I Won't Erase Your Thumbprint
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Rachel POV
I am exhausted. Mentally and physically.
Traveling alone was once a huge adventure for me. However, traveling alone back home with a minor operation acted on your body didn't seems like such a fun activity anymore.
A five hour flight with first class service did ease my discomfort for a brief moment. For those who say money can't buy happiness, think again.
I can't bring myself to read Derek's message nor hear his voice at all. The last time I saw his eyes, the only thing I clearly seen was doubts.
He hesitated.
He hesitated in reaching out for me. I needed him. My whole body, top to bottom, inside out, every cell were screaming for him. Yet, he wasn't responding to my pain of needing him to ease my fear. Immense amount of disappointment struck me like a thunderbolt. He was supposed to be there, not Tony or anybody else.
The ride home via uber cab brought me back to reality. I am alone again in my house. Before heading up to my apartment, I visited the convenience store opposite the street. Cheap wine is still better than no wine. Of course, I needed tissues, box and boxes of tissues plus some instant ramen as comfort food.
Pressing my thumb to the door lock, I headed inside, placing my luggage and my loots from the store on my counter table and trudged towards my sofa.
It's dusky outside, which reflected the mood I have right now, dark and moody. Suddenly, I am feeling afraid being alone in this house. The sad part of it; I did not miss my parents' home, because I have no home to begin with. I left Brandon many years ago, being independent and strong for myself for so many years that I don't actually feel the need to find my dad and cry whenever life strikes me hard.
I breathe in, easing the weight in my chest. Breathe in again, and again. But it doesn't work out well, I resort to open the first bottle of wine.
Drowning myself and making stupor inside your house is better than making a crap of yourself outside. I lay on my sofa with a huge pillow behind to support my back. The wine taste cheap, no matter anyway, I needed it to numb myself today, it's not like I am having a wine- appreciation activity.
My head is starting to spin after the first bottle, once I started on the second one, I took my phone and play Adele's song on my Bang and Olufsen. I hate her song for making me sob, but the lyrics hits me heart, every single words explains my bitter experience.
My vision went cloudy as the moist ooze out from my tear duct, streaming the fluid down my cheek. The more Adele sang louder, the more emotionally hurt I am.
'It's okay, I'm here.' I felt a warm hand stroking my hair, but I wasn't sure if I am hallucinating. I lifted myself up, turning to my back and I saw him standing right behind me.
His listless face and haggard ocean blue eyes consumed all of me. I remained silent, trying hard to keep my vision straight. 'Derek? Is that you?' I said in a brittle voice.
He said nothing, except approaching to where I was seated, lowered himself and scooping me up to sit me on his lap.
God, I feel so hopeless now. I wanted to hate him so badly, hit him hard and blame him for everything. This is where I should be standing up, bursting and shouting all the hate speeches I have been practicing in my mind. But...this is also right where I want to be. Sniffing his scent, that's my very own toxic to keep me sane.
'Hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that...' With soothing voice, he place his hand on my hair, kissing the skin on my forehead.
I can't control my emotion right now. A fresh set of tears just streamed out of my eyes.
'I lost him, Derek...' I sob. 'He is...gone.' My voice was pretty much messed up with me gasping for air and stuck with mucus in my nose.
'It's okay, I'm here. I will protect you.' He pacified me, patting my shoulder, hushing me. 'I will protect you...' He continues to consolidate me, in a way where we both lost someone precious to us. I can't think logically at the moment, there is too much emotional pain I needed to erupt. Even if I wasn't ready to be a mom, I did accept it. I accept that I am going to be giving birth to a life. Two months of pregnancy did not leave me with nothing, my child lived inside my body for eight weeks.
I continues to sob on his chest, having no more consideration if I made a disarray of wet patches on his white shirt. Just like this, while the alcohol numbed my pain, Derek is here to bring comfort to our lost. I have no more strength to find his fault anyway.
'Come on, I'll carry you to the bed.' He stood up, still holding me close to him. I felt the movement that he is leading. Placing me down to my bed, he rest my head gently to the pillow. The fluffiness of the mattress hits me. I can't even bear to open my eyes due to the limitation of the strength I have left in my body.
'I'll stay here with you tonight. Get some sleep.' Soon, after he tuck me with the duvet, Derek slid himself in, placing his hand over my shoulder, he gave a light kiss on my hair. I shifted myself closer to his chest, breathing his scent again to be reassured that it wasn't just a dream, for I can't really be sure if that is Derek or it is just the alcohol doing some magic spell to me. Either way, they are quieting the fear inside me.
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'You stayed?' I stared at Derek who is dressed in his white blouse, work pants, disheveled hair covering his forehead. When my voices hits his attention, he finches slightly, moving his hand to brush his hair up, and I couldn't help but glanced at the stupid wedding ring he is still wearing.
His eyes lifted up, eyelashes fluttered, greeting me with his beautiful eyes. Still drowsy from his sleepiness, he just fixed his eyes on mine for quite a while. 'You should say good morning, boyfriend.' He said with croaky voice.
I remained silent, eyes wondering about everywhere except him.
He sighed. 'Rachel?'
I still ignore him. Feeling like a hypocrite, I was craving for him like a baby last night when I was getting wasted, and here I am, acting like a snob.
Derek looks at the clock on my wall, the one with a vinyl record design. It's reading 7.40 a.m.
He is leaving! My brain involuntarily shouts.
'I would love to stay for breakfast, is that okay?' Derek puts a small smile to convince me.
Well, that actually ease me a bit, knowing that he wasn't going to leave every time we wakes up. 'There's nothing in my fridge that I can make a decent breakfast.' I shrugged.
'Sometimes the secret service works as delivery man as well.' He smirked. 'So, what you would like to have for breakfast?'
I thought for a while, my stomach is betraying me with drumming hunger. 'Ramen.' I said.
'No problem.' He gave my lips a quick kiss and headed to get his phone on the nightstand.
I lifted the duvet away and paced towards the bathroom.
Derek came shortly, standing behind me while I brush my teeth. I peered at him through the mirror. He was wrapping his arm around my waist. His thumb stroking at my lower abdomen.
'Did it still hurt?' He stated with concern, pinning his cheek to my ears, I felt his rough patch of stubble.
I thought for a while. Physical pain doesn't add up to the distressed I am going through. I rinse my mouth before answering, or it will end up in comedy when I try to speak with toothpaste foam all over my mouth.
'What were you thinking?' I pop the question that I am dying to hear from him. 'When I was bleeding on the floor, what were you thinking?' I throw a baffled face.
'You.' He answered without hesitation. 'I was thinking about you, I was having a bombshell. But, in that situation, if I were to rush down to get you, we know the consequences afterwards.'
When I heard about the word "consequences", my body spattered in a crazy vine of volcanic lava. 'So you were saying if I am dead on the floor, you would still hesitate about showing your affection to me? I AM AMAZED, Derek!' I exploded in shaky voice, my face redden, my breathing speeds up and all I could think of is blaming everything that happens to me onto him.
'Listen to me, Rachel,' he held my shoulders tight, 'listen to me. You do matter to me, don't ever doubt that, but in that situation, I am caught up with enormous amount of dilemma! I tried to call you, you wouldn't answer. You have all eight weeks to tell me, and you didn't, right now you are telling me like it was a last minute cancellation, I have no chances of knowing at all! Look, what would you do if you were me? You are the president, everyone picks on every single things you do or don't, I can't loose my career when it is so close to the finishing point!' His nose flares up to increase the speed of his breathing.
'I wouldn't answer your call?' I scoffed, 'I tried to tell you I am pregnant! I did not have the chance at all. Do you expect me to casually give a leave-a-message kind of communication when I try to let you know that you are going to be a father! For the first few weeks, I was afraid of telling you! Because the face that you showed me while I needed you is exactly what I pictured in my mind!' My voice is shaky again, and this time, it was caused by my weeping. I covered my face and felt my tears flowing uncontrollably down my fingers.
For a long while, Derek muttered nothing. 'I'm sorry...' Derek said softly, 'my career is above everything. I won't find any excuses.' He replied regretfully.
'I can't stand this anymore, Derek...' I took a deep breath. I opened my mouth again, but I am too scared to say out the things that is coming from my brain. 'I...we...'
'No. No no no.' Derek's hand lifted up from me, protesting as he throw his hand to the air. 'No, Rachel.' He shakes his head bitterly.
'You can't choose to have both your career and me, Derek. When I was pregnant, I wanted you to divorce with Grace, so, so badly.' I sobbed, 'but I can't, because I think about how much it will affect your reputation, it's like a suicide mission for all of us, I can't drag Grace into our scandal because we started it. And what I am most angry about is, I actually think about you more than what I want for myself. If this goes on, we are going to end up badly, and I don't want that, Derek. I don't want to hate you all my life, when thing isn't that damaged yet, let me go.' Eventually, I couldn't stop my crying, and in between my weeping and rambling, Derek move away from me, until he reach the marble wall behind him, he just stood there for eternity, silent and feeling agony. I managed to control my breathing somehow, taking tissue to blow away the mucus in between my nose and the tears that are still running down my eyes.
'I have plan for us, you know I did.' He replied with resentment. 'All I ask for is your patient...'
I shut my eyes, they are pretty much swollen. 'You can't have both, Derek. Maybe time is just too cruel for us. If I met you earlier, or later, not now, not right now. This is just so wrong, but I wanted to know how it feel to be with you, just like Eve who fall for the temptation of eating the apple in the Garden of Eden, look what happened to her. I love you, but this isn't healthy for me.' I bawl my eyes out, this is even more hurtful than I imagined.
He is still refusing to look at me directly in the eyes. I walked up to him slowly, place my hand to his both side of his face.
'Are you sure this is what you want?' His eyes looking on the floor, his voice was morose. He was a lot calmer.
This is it. Once the word come out from me, this would be an end for both of us. As hard as I try to speak the three syllables, my nerve isn't brave enough to voice it. For it seems like forever to hear my answer, it's only a minute that I refuse to open my mouth. When I was ready, no, I would never be ready to leave Derek, but this is the best destination I can find for us after this journey. Memories of Derek and me shows up like a movie inside my mind, for a while, I wanted to take back what I said. But, I know, this is the only way. I nodded, with heavy heart.
This is it...
'Okay.' He nodded. 'I'm not going to change your mind, Rachel.' He brushes his hair over, his expression is still full of emotional hurt. It pains me to see him in such sorrowful stage. 'Can I still eat my ramen here?' He peered up, even at this point of time, he still managed to be loosen up the situation.
In between shedding tears, I crinkled a laugh. 'Of course, if I chase you out right now, Joe might thought I abused you or something.'
It wasn't simple to sit in front of each other slurping the noodles. I clearly have no appetite to finish all of them, but Derek did. 'You could actually finish everything despite breaking up with me.' I glanced at him.
'I ought to, I have a meeting afterwards.' Derek wipes his mouth with the tissue I place on the counter. 'I think I am going to numb myself with work.'
I remained quiet, propping both my elbow on the table. 'Funny isn't it, we started with Ramen, and we ended with Ramen as well, this is a joke.' I shake my head, feeling how cruel destiny was to us. One year ago, during the Japan trip, Derek brought me to hide in the bunker, I took a risk to start the affair with him. I remember how alien he was to me, but I can't deny he was a beautifully crafted alien that I decided to play with fire and got myself burn today. It hurts to leave him, it hurts to acknowledge that we no longer belongs to each other.
'You still remember.' He voiced weakly.
'I won't forget, I don't think I can forget.' I replied with bittersweet tone.
'I will miss you, Rachel. What if I can't fall in love again?' He leans in closer. I have a hunch that his hand is going to take mine where I left it in front of him. Our hand were always clutching each other's, all the time, everywhere. Now, these two hand seems to be divided like the 38th Parallel in Korea, nobody is stepping over the border.
'I'm afraid I'll ask the same question too. You are perfect, Derek, you don't have to even think about lacking of options. You are the forbidden apple, remember?' I don't know what just happened, but it seems like we are beginning to talk like ex-lovers who are reminiscing the halcyon days of their relationship.
'And once you eat that, you realized you were naked and that's where human reproduction happens.' He managed to create such indecent jokes at this point. He peeks at his watch. A loud and heavy pang hits my heart whenever he sees the time. There would never enough time for us.
'You know what? Whenever you see the clock, I just took a flip inside, no matter how long we spent together, it would never be enough.' I gave a tight smile to him.
He nodded, hands clutching tightly, like he was making some important decision. 'You know, next time if we are making such an important decision like this, make an appointment with my secretary, she is efficient in securing the whole day for you.' He jokes.
Everything falls back to silent again.
'I've read somewhere before, couples who had affair, and got married afterwards ended up in divorce anyways. I wonder how true is that.' I shrugged. Time is tickling like a minute bomb.
'I still have so many things to tell you, Rachel, but I cannot...'
'I won't erase your thumbprint in my door, just so you know...' I told him. 'I don't know why I am telling you this, but unless I have a new boyfriend, you are always welcome.'
'Plus you can use my thumbprint to your benefit, after all, you can sell it for billion of dollars.'
We chuckles. I bite my lower lips, there is so much things I have yet to say, but it will only make the goodbyes harder.
Derek's phone vibrated, he took a look and press the lock button, that silent the whole room again.
'You should probably go.' I initiated. The thing between us right now, is like a girl sending her lover to war, they were bidding goodbye in between the window of the train. Of course, Derek is not going to the war, but, figuratively, he is in the battlefield, fighting for his iron throne.
He steps down from the counter chair, took his blazer.
'Let me help you.' I took his tie and hook it over his neck, adjust it and tied it neatly. 'You are good to go.'
'Can I hug you, Rachel?'
Without replying him, I wrapped myself around him, sniffing his Givenchy Homme. 'I won't forget how intoxicating you smell like, and if I met a man who had the same perfume as you, I'll run as fast as I can.'
He chuckles. 'Same, I will run away from any woman who behave like you, who is so proud of her inheritance, her superficiality, and one who can make brownies that taste like coffee.'
'I will run away from any man who drinks coffee with digestive biscuits.'
'Rachel, I'm going to change my mind if we continues this.' He speaks softly, but every words he said reflected his honesty.
'Derek?'
'Hmmm...'
'I'm going to let you go now.' Slowly, I begin to release him from my body. Derek took both my arms and squeeze it.
'Goodbye, Rachel.' His voice was heavy.
'Goodbye, Derek.'
I watched him slowly step away from me, heading towards my door. My visions was already blurry from my tears. He halted for awhile when the door is opened, however, he never look back at me, which I am really grateful for, I won't be able to control my emotions, it would be like watching Titanic all over again, I remember I had to cry in the theatre secretly when Rose let go of Jack's hand.
I don't think I would ever erase his thumbprint no matter what. He has been a significant part of my whole existence.
I look around my apartment, it contains many memories of him. I never knew I would have the courage to break away from Derek. Sometimes you have to release the string before it breaks, guess that is what it meant.
As I heard the clicking sound from the door when Derek closes it, everything seems so hollow. It's like a chapter in my life has ended, but I am not ready to flip onto another page yet. It pains me to leave him, but I would never regret any of this.
A/N
I don't think a break up is avoidable. Honestly, Rachel needs to think for herself, she can't send herself to a black hole, knowing that staying with Derek would only damage her or him. She needs to sort out her thoughts.
Girls or guys out there, I personally believe you have choices in relationship, because destiny is a matter of choice. You may think you can't find 'someone like you' again, but time will tell everything. Go out there, be brave, you'll never know what the future might hold for you?
Time will solve a lot of things, it will sort out your thoughts, letting you know what you want in your life, or maybe when the time is right again, you will go back to the same person you love.
Happy Valentines day! I hope you find someone who love you as much as you love them!