"So I woke up the next morning hung-over with Heather in my bed. But she wasn't just in my bed. When I woke up Heather was already awake. She was lying on my left side on her belly and her left arm was draped across me, she was actually holding my breast. And she was kissing my neck. So I sat up really quickly.
"'What are you doing?' I asked, or something like that. She looked kind of confused.
"'We got back last night and talked about fooling around. You said you wanted to. You brought it up. Then you passed out. I thought we could try it again today.'
"And I was shocked. I mean, I had no recollection of that at all. But I knew she was telling the truth. I knew that I had...feelings for Heather. They were always just below the surface. We were so close." For a moment, Riley stopped talking and just looked down at the sidewalk below her feet. I heard a slight hitch in her voice. But she continued.
"And apparently I'd finally said something to act on it when I was drunk. And Heather hadn't just been into it then. She was still ready the next morning. I mean, it was the answer to my unasked for wish! I couldn't believe how lucky I was. How could Heather feel the same way?
"And she said...And I will never forget what she said, because she said, 'come on sunshine, I won't bite unless you ask.' She kind of laughed but I felt my blood run cold. My mother...She always called me 'sunshine.' It was an ironic nickname she gave me because I was such a blustery kid. And suddenly I wondered what my mother would think if she saw me like this. If I went any further. I could rebel against my parents by going to school or by dressing funny and swearing. Or even drinking. But lesbian sex... sexual purity was like THE primary belief of my parent's church. I had asked Heather to commit an abomination with me. And she would. And, I didn't think I believed in that. But my whole family believed it. And even though I pushed back against everything my parents stood for, my mother was still my model for womanhood. I still wanted...desperately wanted to be a woman like her. I knew that I wasn't, but I couldn't give up on the ideal of being like her. Even then I think I knew I couldn't be the woman my mother is, but I wasn't ready to accept it.
"So I told Heather that it was a joke or something. I said I didn't really want it. I tried to be gentle; I didn't mock her or anything. I just said it was a misunderstanding. She knew it was a lie. And worse, she'd exposed herself freely to me. She had the same upbringing that I did. And she had been willing to love me because I asked her to, and I couldn't follow through. She must've felt so...abandoned. We weren't ever really the same after that. I haven't talked to her since I graduated. I think she dropped out." There were tears rolling down Riley's cheeks as she recalled this memory. I felt for her, though I didn't have any experience to compare. I wanted to show her that I understood, I reached out and took her elbow. I cradled it gently and rubbed her arm with my thumb, trying to show her some affection.
"I must've said something to Eric and so when his wife said something about you...they just decided," Riley said. And the final piece of the puzzle now made sense.
"I am sorry if this hurts, I didn't want you to deal with any of this, I just want to leave, I am so sorry," I said. Riley sighed and shook her head.
"I live with this every day. Part of me always knew who I was. Maybe that was why I reacted so...I don't instantly to this date. Like why I jumped to being angry and defensive so fast. Fighting against who I am, you know?" I thought about Riley's words for a moment. I understood who she was and why she behaved the way she did. It made sense, even if it was terribly sad. But I felt less certain of myself. Where did my hang-up come from?
"I guess it was different for me," I said, "It wasn't just below the surface or anything. It was so deeply buried that I didn't even realize it myself. Kim almost came out and said it and I still didn't realize it. I just...I couldn't realize it." I was trying to explain to myself as much as to Riley
I couldn't claim to have any religious-tinged fear of same-sex attraction that stretched back to childhood. My family was not a church going group. I didn't have an overbearing, conservative mother who sought to keep a tight lid on sexual conformity. My mom was almost a hippie and while we rarely talked about sex, I knew she wouldn't have cared as long as I was happy. My father was not appreciably different. The only explanation I could find was that, from my earliest days, it had always been my outright goal in life to do everything to do everything the "right" way. And doing things the right way meant following the most conventional path to a happy and successful life. People were supposed to work hard in grade school, join clubs and sports, apply to impressive colleges, go to a very impressive university, get an impressive job, and then work like crazy. I did all those things.
And one thing that women were supposed to do was find a man they loved and marry him. And so I never questioned that that was what I was supposed to do. And when it didn't work out, I considered it a failing on my part. I was doing something wrong. It just...it never occurred to me that I had set one goal that was unachievable. I couldn't fall in love with a man and marry him, but because my heart (and my body) didn't want that. I needed something different. I hoped that Riley could understand.
"It was something that just wasn't one of the things that was supposed to be 'Me' so I didn't think about it. Like I actually repressed it. It wasn't just waiting for a chance to get out. It was like it didn't exist. Like I didn't really have sexuality. I didn't even have the first inkling of awareness of it until tonight."
"What made you realized it tonight," Riley asked, her brows furrowed. I looked at her, this woman I had spent the evening with. She was funny, quick, outrageous, and brave (though maybe not as brave as I'd first believed, she was vulnerable too, which was alluring). And I was learning that she was sweet, insightful, and caring. I looked at the gentle curve of her cheek, the brightness of her blue eyes, the long, delicate lashes above them. I saw the thick, full pinkness of her lips (quivering a bit in the cold). I found that my body felt like it was vibrating, my limbs felt weak, and my heart was simultaneously in my throat and at the bottom of my stomach, pounding. I felt an electrical feeling all over, something I'd never felt before. An anticipation for something, anything. My inner thoughts were a half-formed riotous requiem for a barrier that was about to break.
"It..."I started to explain, but found that my words failed me. The final dam had been broken. I had torn away all the defenses of a lifetime and suddenly I didn't have anything to hold me back. 34 years of longing was too much to hold back. And now there was this person in front of me, finally, reminding me of where that desire came from and where it was directed. I closed my eyes, turned my neck slightly to the side, and leaned forward. My body now did the work that my brain could not comprehend, urging my being forward towards oblivion or a new me. And both.
I felt my lips press softly against Riley's. Her lips were slightly cool and were pillowy soft. They were just slightly damp and thick and my two lips bracketed her lower lip carefully in an easy lock. The external sensation of my lips pressed against hers was absolutely lovely. But it was not entirely alien. It was a sweet, almost chaste kiss. But internally, the physical power of the kiss was overwhelming, beyond even the intense emotional effects.