Please if people could check the conversations tab of my profile you'll find a VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE there.
I would greatly appreciate it if you could all read it please!
I was ushered into the bathroom by Cameron in a hurry where I was left to my own devices. That was until Mel came rushing through the door and closing it forcefully behind her.
Still having no idea what was going on, she unwrapped the jumper from around my waist and turned me around. Her hand cupped her mouth in shock as she moved to the bathroom cabinets.
"Mel, what the hell?"
"Ash I think... I think..." just then my reflection in the full-length mirror beside me caught my eye. Down the back of my thigh was a bright red streak of blood. My heart dropped.
I stared at it, stunned.
Did I knick myself? Did I scratch myself on something?
I tried to think of every possible excuse that would be anything except what I knew it was.
Mel whipped around and shoved a packet into my hands.
"Stay here, don't leave or anything," her eyes were wild and frantic as she left me.
What do I do now?
Blood had started to seep onto the back of my dress, so I peeled it from my skin slowly and gently, as though I was scared that the slightest movement would rupture a flood.
I was stripped down to my underwear and looked at the packet of pads Mel had handed me.
It seemed wrong to sit on the toilet but I didn't know what else to do.
I sat there, head in my hands and my mind running a thousand miles an hour as I felt my body begin to empty itself of happiness in all sense of the word.
It seemed like a lifetime had passed since Mel had left but once I'd checked my phone I realised it had really only been five minutes.
The bleeding had slowed somewhat, so I'd managed to clean myself up and now sat rigid as stone on the closed toilet waiting for someone to come back.
I was cold, my hands were like ice and my body was covered in goose pimples. I didn't want to think about what had just happened, I knew Mason would have a thousand questions.
Oh god. Mason.
He's going to be heartbroken.
Right on schedule, there was a rapping at the door and the muffled sound of what I thought was 'open up, Ash, it's me'
I jumped up and opened the door enough for him to slide through and for no one to see me in my bra and undies.
He was breathing erratically and his eyes were wide with panic. He looked around the room, his eyes murderous as he searched for the source of my pain before his eyes landed on me, shivering in my skin. His face suddenly became understanding as his mouth opened to an 'oh'. I felt my heart finally splinter as I painfully sobbed and began to sink to the floor against my own will.
He caught me quickly and held me in his arms, rocking us gently from side to side while slowly caressing my hair.
"Ashley, what's wrong? Mel and Cam came and got me, saying you were in trouble? Please tell me, I can't bare to see you like this," his voice betrayed him, he knew what had happened but he was scared to admit it.
"I'm so, so, so sorry," I sobbed wetly into his shoulder as I gripped his shirt tightly in my hands.
"Don't you dare. Don't you damn dare apologise," he whispered forcefully into my ear, pulling back to take my face in his hands. "This isn't your fault, it's no one's fault. Okay?"
I nodded but I wasn't sure I could believe it.
After a few minutes, Mason called Mel and asked her to bring me some clothes.
I apologized profusely for having to leave her birthday but she shook her head and hugged me tightly. We slipped out with anyone really noticing and as soon as we got in the car I rang an on-call nurse to ask for this advice on what to do.
He said to take it easy and go see our doctor in the morning to tell her what had happened and discuss our options.
I was curled up in a ball in bed with the covers pulled tightly under my chin while Mason smoothed my hair gently beside me.
"Ashley, sweetheart, please talk to me,"
I had barely said a word since I got off the phone with the nurse. I couldn't speak. My baby had been torn from me and I couldn't get him back.
What did he want me to say? Did he want me to say I'm sad? I think that's pretty self-explanatory.
I was afraid if I spoke, I would take my anger out on him too.
But my baby is gone.
"He's gone." Was all I could push out. There weren't tears anymore. I was empty in every sense of the word.
"I know," he whispered in the still tense air around us.
A sudden red fury overtook my senses and I found a fire building in my belly. A source of fuel to kickstart my anger and make it burst from me. I tried my hardest to contain it.
I shocked him by sitting up and his hands immediately went to my back to support me.
"Maybe it was for the best," I kicked off my sheets violently and began making my way to the kitchen.
"What? What do you mean?" He followed behind me slowly, his voice shaking and I could all but hear the plummeting of his heart at my words.
"You don't want kids and I want to finish my degree. It's just not great timing." I filled up a glass with tap water, not daring to look at his face.
There was tension between us as the silence lingered and sat heavy in the air threatening to suffocate the both of us.
"But, I do want kids... at least, I want kids with you,"
"But you don't, you got mad when you thought I was pregnant and you proposed to me when you found out I was pregnant," I walked around him to the couch. "I mean, that's the only reason you proposed right? You didn't mean it otherwise."
Stop, Ashley! You don't mean any of this, why are you taking your anger out on him!? I tell you why, because I'm in so much pain that the tiny bubble that was a mix of Mason and I, our little join, has been broken. It's gone.
"Baby, you're sad and angry and I understand that-" he started but I cut him off.
"You don't. You don't understand, I've lost my baby," I was sobbing now. Rough, painful pounds on my chest and back that ripped through me and were giving me a headache.
I didn't hear him up beside me but I felt his strong hand on my shoulder.
"I've lost my baby, too," he choked out, his voice breaking along with my heart.
I felt the anger wash from me and fill me despair. He's hurting too. I know he is but I couldn't help but take my anger on him.
I turn to him to see his eyes rimmed wth red and his lips puffy from unshed tears.
I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly and sobbed into his shoulder.
"I didn't mean to hurt you, it just came out, I didn't mean any of it" sobs wracked through my body, forcing my shakes into his body as well.
He shushed me, holding gently onto the back of my neck as he kissed my ear, the side of my face, my neck, my shoulder.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have taken my anger out on you, I'm just... I'm just- just so sad. So incredibly and terribly sad,"
"We'll have other chances, baby. We'll get another chance. This one just wasn't meant to be,"
We didn't sleep that night, we spent the whole night on the couch, Mason's arms wrapped protectively around me while I was huddled on his lap.
We didn't say anything because we could feel it all.
I wasn't about to let this ruin us, we are resilient and we always come back to one another.
"I love you," I murmured into his shoulder early in the morning and he replied by pressing a lingering kiss on my forehead.
I got changed into comfortable clothes in the morning and held Mason's hand the whole way to the specialists office where we'd booked late last night.
Sitting in the two arm chairs with grim looks upon our faces, we were reassured by the doctor.
"A miscarriage this early on isn't uncommon. In fact, most women have had miscarriages without even realising. In this case, think of it this way: it's difficult I know, to see your baby on a screen and then suddenly like the click of your fingers they're gone,"
I gripped Mason's hand a little tighter and I could feel his eyes on the side of my face as our doctor continued her speech.
"One experiences a miscarriage, usually, because the foetus is not forming properly. If it's any solace to your soul, by having a miscarriage your body is saving you from an arduous birth that would likely result in a child that would not survive a long duration of time. I know it's hard to hear but it's really for the best. Your body is providing that child with a peaceful death before it can really feel anything. It was still a forming cell and it is unlikely it would have even known what had happened."
We nodded in understanding and I reached up to swipe away the few tears that had formed under my lashes.
"Don't let this pull you apart, I see a lot of boyfriend and girlfriend couples like you two, but you're different to the others. You two have a bond I haven't seen before. Don't let this small set back deter you from doing your normal activities, get out there and have fun, don't forget that it happened but understand that what happened was a part of life. It happened for a reason and maybe that was to bring you two closer together,"
Please take the time to read the IMPORTANT MESSAGE on my CONVERSATION BOARD on my profile.
Thanks guys