When I was a child of the eighties, we got giddy with excitement  about such technological breakthroughs as cordless landlines, actual home computers that didnât take up whole rooms and mind-blowing cutting-edge games like Tetris. So when I wasnât listening to A-HA (truly embarrassing) and when I wasnât watching the A-Team (I love it when a plan comes together) you could find me engrossed, for hours, by the almost hypnotic falling shapes. There was nothing like it at the time; free falling shapes, the ability to maneuver them around using arrow keys. Amazing.
Remember, we were still living in a time when computer mice had tails, MS DOS was the talk of the town and you could leave and get yourself a cup of coffee and bake a cake while the computer turned itself on.
Still⦠there was nothing more satisfying than watching those little shapes fall into place. Seeing the lines being created and then disappearing in a flash. Nothing more satisfying when things fall into place---
Standing there with Annie, who was now wide- eyed and had turned a strange shade of ashen gray (yes, even with that sunburn) things suddenly fell into place. Although she looked like she might have gone momentarily mad, staring at a picture on the wall with eyes the size of footballs, I had a moment of perfect, sane clarity. Everything suddenly became crystal clear. There was a solution to my problem, and it was standing behind me. Well, they were standing behind me.
You just canât make this stuff up! Reality really is stranger than any fiction you can think up. And when we got final confirmation that it was in fact the Terrible Twins standing behind us, I saw the name of my movie up in lights, I saw people shoving pop corn into their mouths and slurping down oversized Cokes as they chortled with laughter.
This was the perfect plot. It had it all. Heartbroken, scorned ex goes on holiday to find her ex and his mistress, the one he played kink with, staying at the same resort. The premise was there, it just needed one more story element to make it complete. An inciting incident to propel the narrative forward, something that could---
A giant, Hollywood sized light bulb went off in my head and I stepped forward.
âHi there, sheâs with me.â I said in response to Trev when he asked in a rather gloating tone who Annie was with. The only thing now was to hope that Annie would play along. I shot her a quick look as I slid my arm around her. She squirmed slightly at first, but then turned and looked at Trev.
He had a peculiar, devious look plastered across on his face and was demonstrating the very strange ability he obviously possessed-to raise one eyebrow way, way too high. It was almost unnatural. I think they have lawyer jokes for a reason, because looking at Trev, they all suddenly seemed so appropriate ;
Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Suddenly Iâm trying to figure out how to incorporate those jokes into my film,
âChris?â The guy says extending his hand for a shake. Heâs âperfectâ, this specimen of manliness. He has thick, slicked back black hair that looks unbelievably shinny, as if itâs made of black grease. His features are faultless, the kind one might find on the leading man of a daytime television drama. His jaw is so chiseled he could probably file down metal nails. He wears white linen pants with a pale pink Polo shirt- oh sorry, a guy like this would probably call the color Salmon, not pink.
Either way, he looked like the kind of guy I would've loved to give a black eye to. His big white teeth, poking out of that large fake dazzling smile, make me want to hit him. This guy is pure poison, and I take an instant dislike to him. The kind of reaction one might have when one finds a rattlesnake cozying up to you in your sleeping bag.
âIâm Trev, nice to meet you,â His smile is so large and fake I want to give him exploratory root canal without anesthetic.
âLikewise,â I say, when I really want to say other things.
Butâ¦
â¦but, he would make a great character in a movie. The kind of character that the viewers would hate. The smarmy, shmuck that slimes across the scream.
âAmerican I see?â He says nodding his perfect head, no hair moves. It stays perfectly in place.
I nod back, my hair moves (like a normal personâs usually does) âBorn and bread.â
âSo what do you do Chris?â Ah, heâs one of those guys isnât he? No pleasantries, no âHow are you?â just straight into what I do for a living. I can tell that he defines himself by the work he does. I know his type. Only happy if he is successful and better then everyone around him. Yes, great character!
Smarmy, self-rigorous, self-satisfying, selfish shmuck that slimes across the scream. I momentarily have a thought, how the hell was Annie with this guy?
I turn and look at Annie, sheâs still squirming and looking unsure of herself. It doesnât take a MENSA genius to figure out that sheâs clearly uncomfortable with the situation I just dropped on her like an atomic bomb.
âIâm a writer, â I quickly add. I look at Trev, and before my eyes his face sort of scrunches up in disapproval, disdain or maybe it was disgust? It was definitely a âdâ word though.
âAaaah, â He shoots a look over to the woman that must be Mistress. Tess.
Incredible.
She is possibly one of the most stunning woman Iâve even seen and I suddenly imagine Megan Fox playing her role. She would ooze and smear sex across the screen just with her very presence.
âUnpredictable work, isnât it? Not very regular? Donât really know where your next pay check is coming from hey?â Â He says to me in the most condescending tone Iâve ever heard.
I can almost hear his inner thoughts;
Score! Trev 1. Chris a big fat zero.
I suddenly wished more than anything that I had a tape recorder on me, you cannot write this kind of dialogue! This guy- who clearly plucks his eyebrows looking at them- is the biggest douche bag Iâve ever met, and the stuff that comes out of his mouth should be flushed instantly.
And the more he spoke, the more fecal matter he expelled. Talking about how well he was doing, how successful he was, how amazing his relationship was, how good he was at golf, what a great sports and outdoorsman he was, what a great fiancé he was and what an amazing chooser of large expensive engagement ringsâ¦
Engagement ringsâ¦
And then another thought hit me. Having the couple pretend to be engaged would totally up the ante. It would take the storyline to a whole new level. It would build such tension in the character dynamics and the---
It just flew out of my mouth before I could really weigh up the implications of what I was saying.
âWeâre also getting married. What a coincidence!â
There was a generalized silence that descended upon us. I felt Annie squirming next to me again, before she started throwing pointed sideways glances at me as if she was trying to communicate with me telepathically. And then Trevâs lawyer-y spidery senses seemed to kick in as he scanned Annieâs hand for the tell tale signs of a ring. I laughed loudly, anticipating their thoughts as Tess leaned in and searched Annieâs hand tooâ¦
âOh she doesnât wear it in public." I said, "Or we would have to walk around with bodyguards. Rare pink diamond. Priceless.â
God, it felt so good saying that! Especially when I saw the look that washed over pretty boy's face.
âWell nothing is too good for our girls, huh?â He flashed me another cheesy grin and I wished I had some kind of a giant erasure that I could use to wipe it off his face. If an artist who drew caricatures of people had to draw Trev, he would basically be a big toothy smile with legs. Maybe just feet. Maybe no feet at all. He could very possibly just be a smile.
He scooped the gorgeous, trim, tanned Tess up in his arms and kissed her. He even used tongue. How totally inappropriate. She responded by sticking the tip of hers out and licking his lip- this story was getting better and better by the second- especially when I remembered what the opening scene of the movie needed to be; these two with nipple clamps and leather straps.
Trev gave Tess a little nip on the lip and she gave a slight breathy moan. I smiled to myself as I imagined this scene playing out on the big screen. If I were writing this scene right now, I would have our couples engage in some kind of kiss-off, each trying to outdo each other with more breathy whimpers and tongue licksâ¦
Thatâs comedy!
Suddenly I felt fired up. Inspired, my comedy mojo was back, my juices were starting to flow and I couldnât wait to crack out the computer and bang out some scenes.
I glanced over at Annie and she looked⦠she looked, perturbed. There was no other way to describe it really.  I watched her, watch them, and suddenly I felt very bad.
Shit. I liked her. She seemed like a really cool chick and I was about to steal her life and use it for my own comic gains. But I couldnât think about that right now, my deadline was looming, I was desperate and this, right here, was too fucking delicious to pass up.
** A reminder to all of you (in case you havn't picked up on my not-so-subtle reminding yet) that 'Burning Moon' is on sale now. You will find the link to the book on Amazon on my profile page and also in the comments section below. End of unsubtle reminder.