"I have to say, no one has gotten to me like you have in a long time." He laughed as he sat across from me and grabbed his jaw. "But it looks like fights are the order of the day for you, am I right?" He nodded his head towards my face before his gaze fell on my ruined knuckles.
"If you expect me to apologize for..."
"Oh no." He jumped into my speech. "I'm glad you did. Especially if you thought I had anything to do with hurting Lexi."
"You said you weren't her boy..."
"I'm not." He put his hands in a defensive gesture. "Do I love her? Yes, but not in a romantic way. But," he leaned his elbows on the edge of the table and pointed at me, "that doesn't mean you stand a chance. Lexi doesn't need a boyfriend." There was a slight warning in his words that could not be missed.
"Don't worry, I'm not a boyfriend material."
Before we could say anything else, the waitress came over and, as Jeremy wanted, he ordered a beer while I just ordered plain water.
"So, Finn, was it?" I nodded. "Are you local?"
"No," I answered him and immediately asked myself how I got here. I wanted to be alone and this is the second person who's trying to get to know me.
Do I have it written on my forehead that I want friends?
"You're not very talkative." He acknowledged and leaned back comfortably. "Come on, do I really have to ask, where are you from?" He raised an eyebrow.
"New York. I'm twenty-eight, four siblings, I drink, I smoke, and I don't like people. Is that enough?"
His mouth lifted into a small smile. "And you're obviously defending people. You don't even know Lexi and you were willing to beat someone up when you saw her wrists. I wonder how you got those injuries." He pointed to my face.
"Does it matter?"
"I don't know, does it?" He frowned. "You're around Lexi and I want to make sure she's okay. Yeah, you protected her today, but the way she's treating you? I've never seen that before. You obviously must have screwed up. Big time."
"Don't worry, she'll never see me again." She made it pretty clear that she didn't want to see my face here. I'm not surprised, a lot of people feel that way, but she's the first one to say it out loud.
"I advise you to." I thought that was a warning, but it wasn't. "Once you feel the sunshine that radiates from her, you won't be able to leave." He smiled. "And you don't look like someone who would be interested."
He cannot imagine how right he is.
OH MY GOD!
What did I say to him?
Learn some manners or find another bistro.
Why would I say such a thing to him? What was I even thinking?
And he hit Jeremy. Jeremy!
What is going on?
I tried to get away from the bistro as fast as possible. I left Jeremy and Finn standing there.
Finn. His name is Finn.
I'm not going to lie and say that's the name I imagined for him. It was anything but that.
But it's nice to have a name for a face that I think about before I go to sleep.
No! Bad Lexi.
I will never see him again. I'm sure of that. Why would I, right? He will definitely not show up at the bistro again. He must have realized by now that he would only find problems there.
Me. I'm problems. Nice to meet you.
When I slammed the door behind me, I finally breathed a sigh of relief. I ran my hand through my hair and closed my eyes tightly, feeling the tension in my chest.
I breathed in shakily and breathed out again.
"Come on Lexi," I whispered. "It's okay."
*****
I stayed locked in my room for the rest of the day. I wasn't in the mood to go to the store or cook something properly. I was in no mood to breathe.
I laid down in bed under my favorite blanket and tried to sleep.
When I realized that it was useless and that I wouldn't fall asleep, I looked at my mobile.
Wasting time on social media made me feel even worse.
People I don't even know are enjoying life to the fullest. Traveling around the world with their partners, family, friends, or alone while I sit at home.
Couples enjoying life together made me want to cry for one reason only. Why can't I have it too?
Why can't I live out something ripped from the books I read? Is what I'm asking really that much?
Yes, I had boyfriends, but they weren't exactly...understanding. No one wants to date someone who has trouble in noisy rooms, prefers reading books to socializing, and spends more time in the hospital than with them.
Or scars on the wrists.
Damaged. I was called that.
Damaged like I was a thing.
In this day and age, it's probably impossible to have feelings and not be judged for them. How I decide to handle my own life is probably everyone's business, since there is always someone nose-deep in it.
But who are those people? They are certainly not the ones who were there for me when I needed help.
But they will still judge.
I was pulled out of my thoughts by the ringing of the cell phone in my hand. A number with the name Lincoln appeared at the top of the screen.
I knew it wasn't a good idea not to pick up. He would call a hundred times until I answered.
"Yes," I said quietly as I picked up and held the phone to my ear.
"Are you okay?" His voice came from the other side, muffled sounds in the background.
"Yes, of course, just a little tired, what's up?" I faked a smile while I spoke so he could hear it in my voice.
"I have a request for you and you can say no."
No. I wanted to say, but I stopped myself.
"Me, Jeremy, the twins, and even Luca are at the bar. I don't know if you read the group but I passed the test so we're celebrating."
"Oh, sorry, no I didn't read it. But congratulations, even though I knew you were going to smash it."
"You were the only one." He laughed. "I wanted to ask if you were coming."
"I..." I closed my eyes tightly and cursed myself in my head.
"It's okay, Lexi." He said when I didn't say anything. "I mean it. If you don't feel like it, that's okay."
"I'm sorry." I bit my lip.
"Stop it. I really don't mind. Even though I'd love for you to be here, I respect that you're not coming. It's okay, I promise."
"Thank you." I almost whispered.
"I have to go, they are calling me."
"Say hi to the others."
"Of course. And if you happen to change your mind, we're with Adrian at work. Bye, Lexi."
"Bye." I hung up and placed my phone on the bed next to me, the screen showing the time lit up.
Come on Lexi, don't be boring. They are your friends.
I lay on my back, looking at the ceiling.
If I called Lincoln, he'd be here in a second without even thinking. I'm a bad friend.
Exhaling heavily, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and stood up.
I threw on light blue jeans and a big white sweater. I put my hair up in a bun, leaving the front strands pulled out and falling in my face.
I corrected my mascara, which was slightly blurry. I took my wallet and phone in my purse and left the room.
I quietly walked around the rooms and heard snoring from my father's room. A part of me breathed a sigh of relief.
I got on the first bus to the city and got off at the stop next to my work. From there it's only a few streets to the bar.
I stopped on the sidewalk in front of the bar and looked in through the windows. It didn't take me long to find a table where everyone was sitting and having fun.
Sometimes I think it's strange that they are still such good friends after such a long time.
Jeremy and Luca met in elementary school. Even though they each went to different high schools, they stayed in touch.
Along the way, Jeremy met Lincoln, who had known the twins since they were little because they lived on the same street. Somehow they got together and then I came.
I met Jeremy first. He found me in the corner at a party I really didn't want to go to. He took pity on me. I still don't know why.
Later he introduced me to others and we even found out that I went to the same high school with the twins.
We started meeting more and before I knew what was happening, they were my personal "bodyguards". That's what they like to call themselves.
They were there when I needed them. And stayed when they didn't have to.
I owe them everything, so I will beat myself up for them.
"Why are you everywhere I go?" I jumped when I heard a guy's voice behind me.
"Oh, Jesus." I clutched my chest and turned to the guy behind me to find out it was Finn. "Why are you sneaking up on me like that?" I tried to calm my heart, which was beating wildly.
"Sneaking up?" He frowned. "Should I wear a bell around my neck?"
I rolled my eyes. "What are you doing here?"
"Me? Why are you here?" His gaze wandered to the bar behind me. "This doesn't look like your scene."
"And what is that supposed to mean?" I crossed my arms over my chest.
"Nothing." After a moment of silence, he said.
"I told you I don't want to see you." I crossed from one foot to the other.
"You think I'm here because of you?" He snorted, a smirk on his face. "Dream on, sunshine." As he passed me, he put his hand on my head as if I were a child or a dog.
He continued on to the bar while I threw daggers at his back.
He gets on my nerves like no other.
I followed him to the bar because I go there to see the guys, not him.
To my surprise, he held the door for me. When I was right in front of them, he let go and almost hit me in the face.
I saw him smiling through the glass.
Idiot.
With an irritated sigh, I opened the door and entered. While Finn went to the bar, I headed to the table where the others were.
"Lexi." Adrian, who was sitting across from me, was the first to notice me.
As soon as my name came out of his mouth, everyone looked at me.
"You came." Smiling, Lincoln walked up to me and hugged me. "Are you sure you want to be here?" He whispered. "I'll understand if you don't."
"It's okay." I patted his back and pulled away. "We're celebrating you." I smiled and we went to the table together. Meanwhile, Jeremy went to get a chair from the next table and slid it in for me as I sat down.
"I'm glad you came. I have something for you." Stefan pulled out a patchwork bag from under the table. "They just arrived, I thought you'd like to read them." He handed it to me, and when I looked into it, I realized that they were books.
"You shouldn't have. I'll pay you for them andâ"
"No." He jumped into my speech. "The cover on the back is slightly damaged, so Amelia," his supervisor, "gave it to me almost for free."
"But..."
"No buts, enjoy them." He winked at me and I smiled and thanked him.
"Before you came, we've been talking about this year's camp," Adrian said with a hand full of chips. "Do you think you'll be attending?
We used to go camping together every year, but the last three years it was a little more difficult.
It was canceled the first year my mother was admitted to the hospital.
The second year they went without me because I wasn't comfortable with going away for the weekend. What if something happened?
And this third year I didn't even think about camping. I completely forgot about it.
I used to love that weekend. We stayed up by the fire until morning while Stefan played the guitar. Jeremy and Adrian were always goofing around while Lincoln tried to calm them down. And Luca and I looked at them and laughed.
"I'm not sure yet." I shrugged my shoulders. "When are you planning it?"
"Lincoln has a few more exams so we were thinking sometime next month. Maybe sooner." He stuffed chips in his mouth. "But this year we were thinking of taking more people."
"What? Who?" I frowned. Camping was our thing. Only ours.
"Jeremy would like to take Ellie, from the cafe. I would take Destiny." He nodded his head for me at the barmaid, his colleague.
Of course, I know Destiny. She has red hair, a darker skin tone that is absolutely flawless, and the body of a goddess. But what I didn't know is that Adrian is interested in her.
"Lincoln likes a woman in his class, Stefan just has to wink at someone at his work and Luca says 'hello' and they'll both have someone."
"Oh." I was slightly surprised. When did all this happen? When did everyone find someone?
"It's our thing, it's a bad idea to drag people into it," Luca spoke and I've never been more glad.
"No offense, but I would like to welcome a female face there. I see you douchebags almost every day." Jeremy put his hands up in a defensive gesture.
I remained silent while I watched them argue about it. I felt as if I was being replaced.
And all because I'm not good enough. Because it's not like before. Because I screwed up something again.
"I need to go to the bathroom," I said while they were talking and moved away from the table.
"Lexi." I heard Jeremy yell behind me, but I continued on.
Good job, Lexi. You are slowly losing them too.