I don't want to say I was looking at her, but I was looking at her.
Lexi was sitting at the table with Jeremy and other friends. At first, she looked fine, she was smiling.
But within seconds her whole mood changed. Her smile dropped and she looked uncomfortable.
She suddenly got up from the table and ran away while Jeremy shouted after her.
I don't know why my first instinct was to run after her, but I'm glad I didn't listen to that instinct.
I remained seated at the bar until a redheaded barmaid finally walked over to me. "You again?" She smiled at me. "I'm glad you're here. I didn't have time to thank you for..."
"It's nothing." I interrupted her.
"It was something. So thank you. It's on me today." She winked at me and placed a glass of vodka in front of me.
I looked at it but didn't touch it.
"Hey, Destiny sweetheart." She turned to the guy who stood next to me. "The same as always for Lexi."
"Sure thing." She smiled and started stirring something. "Is she okay? I saw her run to the bathroom, should I go check on her?"
"No thanks, we were just talking about camping."
"Oh, you told her you wanted to take others there?" He nodded. "She doesn't look like she's excited."
"She has nothing against you, Dess. I don't know why she reacted like that."
"Are you really that blind?" She frowned.
"What?"
"Oh my god, you are." She laughed. "Camping has always been your thing and now you want to take someone. It feels like you're replacing her. Like you don't need her anymore."
"What? No. We're not doing that. We just wanted to..." He stopped. "Shit. You're right. Fuck, we have to fix this." He took the drink from the bar that the barmaid had placed there a second ago. "Thanks."
"Fix it, you idiots." She laughed before he walked back to the table. "Unbelievable." She shook her head. "Sorry." She looked at me. "I guess you didn't want to listen to that. You prefer to drink in silence."
"It's fine." I shrugged.
"Here you are." I heard a familiar voice and felt his hands on my shoulders. "I've lived in Portland almost my whole life and I've never been here before." Zack sat next to me. "Looks cool here."
"And there was also silence." I grabbed a glass and drank from it.
"Oh please, you love my company." He snorted.
"As much as I love a stick up my ass," I muttered under my breath.
"You were saying?"
"Do you want a drink?" I faked a smile.
"I thought you wouldn't ask." He raised his hand and the barmaid came to us. She looked between me and Zack confused.
"Oh."
"No." I said before she could think of anything.
"We're a friendly bar." She tried to hold back her laughter. "Everybody here is accepted..."
"Destiny," I said her name warningly.
"You're as tense as those over there." She nodded her head behind me to the table where Jeremy was sitting. "I can't even joke anymore." She laughed as Zack told her what he wanted.
"You didn't tell me he was going to be here." He elbowed me in the ribs, which hurt.
"What are you talking about?" I frowned, but then I remembered. He is talking about one of them. I remember him saying one of them was his type. "Then go after him." I waved my hand at him.
"As if." He snorted and drank a bit. "I'm too sober for that. Oh, she's here too." He nodded his head behind me, but I immediately knew who he was talking about. "I'm really bad with names, what was her name?" He though about it for a second.
"Lexi." I said without thinking and immediately regretted it when I saw a smile begin to form on Zack's face.
"How do you know who I meant when you didn't even turn around?" He put his hands under his chin like a high school girl when she hears gossip.
"Why are you here?" I tried to change the subject.
"Why are you here?" I rolled my eyes at his question. "It wouldn't have anything to do with the blonde just walking towards us, would it?"
Without a word, I turned and searched the room for her face. It wasn't until I found her sitting at the table that I realized it was a trap.
With a heavy breath, I turned back to the bar. "Don't you fucking dare." I said warningly.
"I didn't say anything." I glared at him.
He didn't have to, his face told the whole story.
And the worst thing is that whatever he wanted to say, it would be true.
I really should stay away, but how can I when she's everywhere I go?
When I returned to the table, there was a drink waiting for me, and everyone immediately fell silent when they noticed me.
I needed to calm myself down at the toilets. A few words, while I was looking in the mirror, was enough.
"Why are you quiet?" I spoke after a while when they just looked at me. "Hello?"
Am I talking or is it just the voice in my head again?
"I think I speak for everyone." Jeremy started and everyone just nodded. "Just because we thought that we'd take someone to our annual camp doesn't mean we're trying to replace you, Lexi. We just thought..."
"Please stop." I stopped him. "Let's just leave it at that, hm? What do you say?"
"Lexi..." Adrian placed his glass on the table.
"No. Don't say my name like that." I shook my head. "I get it." I put my hands on my lap. "You have other people you want to spend time with. I'm not the only woman in your lives."
"That is not my case," Luca muttered under his breath and with that deserved elbow to the ribs from Adrian.
"And I understand that the last few years I haven't been completely...I haven't been there for you. I mean, I don't even know you like Destiny." I pointed at Adrian. "And El?" I looked at Jeremy. "Or you and someone from your class?" Now at Lincoln. "But I'm the only one, right?" I looked at all of them. "Because you know everything between you."
Their silence told me I was right.
"I..." My voice cracked, so I cleared my throat. "I think I should go." I stood up from the table. "Thanks for the books, Stefan." I took my bag and headed for the exit.
I didn't turn around, I just continued on my way. I stopped when I accidentally bumped into someone with my shoulder.
I started to apologize but stopped when I saw it was Finn. "You okay?" He frowned as he scanned my face.
"Like you care." I almost whispered and slipped past him and out.
As the cold air hit my face, I tried to hold back the tears.
I'm slowly losing the only people who were there for me and I didn't even know it. How could I be so blind?
*****
I was sitting on the bus when my cell phone started to fill up with messages from everyone.
I didn't have the strength to reply to either of them, so I put my phone on silent and put it back in my bag.
I looked through the bus window at the streets shrouded in night. The lamps along the sidewalk were already lit and only a few people were wandering around in the dark.
A large sign with the word hospital caught my attention, and after a few seconds, I decided to get out now.
I stood up and walked to the exit. The bus driver stopped when he saw me standing and I got off.
Taking a deep breath, I walked towards the hospital.
I know visiting hours already ended at eight, almost two hours ago, but I was hoping Rachel was working today.
I could see from afar that she was sitting at the front table. I was relieved.
I started walking toward her, her face lit up when she noticed me. "Lexi, what are you doing here?" She stood up and walked around the table to me. "Are you okay? Is something wrong?" She looked at my face.
"No, I just wanted..." My gaze wandered to the closed door at the end of the corridor.
"Even if it wasn't after visiting hours, she's asleep. She had her dose of medicine and..."
"I just want to see her." I interrupted her. "Please."
Rachel let out a breath and looked around us in the empty hallway. "But only quickly."
"Thank you." I tried to smile before following her. She opened the door slowly so as not to wake her and stepped back so I could see her.
Even though I know she wouldn't know who I was if I woke her up, I wanted to. I wanted to talk to her. I need it.
I need my mother.
"Sweetie, what's going on?" Rachel asked, grabbing my shoulder.
She slowly started pulling me out and closed the door. We sat down on the chairs in front of the room.
"Sweetie?" She grabbed my hands. "Is everything all right?"
"I just wanted to see her," I said, my gaze on the ground in front of me. "I'm sorry if I caused you any trouble or..."
"Nonsense." She waved her hand. "What's bothering you?"
"I don't even know." I shook my head. "I don't know anything lately."
"Oh, sweetie." She squeezed my hands.
"It's never going to go back to normal, is it?" I looked up at her, tears on my face. "I'll never get her back."
"You can't know that. Actually, there's something new." She said carefully and I knew why she didn't tell me about it sooner.
"How much?" I breathed out hard.
"A lot." She pulled her hands away. "Even though they say it works..."
"Not always." I nodded. "But still, how much?" When the sum came out of her mouth, I closed my eyes hard. "Oh God."
Even if I worked all week, weekends, and all holidays in the bistro, it wouldn't even be half of what I'd needed.
"I'm sorry." She put her hand on my back. "I know you're trying to help her in any way you can." But it's still not enough. "You should go. Get some sleep. It's late."
I nodded and we both stood up. I thanked her for being able to see my mother and she escorted me to the exit.
I got on the next bus and was home in a few minutes.
When I locked the door behind me, my eyes fell on my father on the couch.
Trying to hold it together, I headed straight for the stairs. I went to my room, locked it, and threw myself on the bed.
Since I didn't turn on the light, the room was engulfed in darkness. The only light was from my cell phone shining through the bag.
I fished it out and found a total of fifteen missed calls and messages.
When I clicked on the conversation with Lincoln to text him that I was fine, I got another message, but from an unknown number.
I frowned and switched from my conversation with Lincoln to a message from an unknown number.
Who would write to me this late?
Who would even write to me?
Even more confused, I read the message over and over. Sunshine?
I wrote a quick message: Who is this?
I saw three dots appear before they disappeared. This was repeated a few more times before he actually sent the message.
I rolled my eyes before texting him: Leave me alone, Finn.
After I sent the message, I put the phone on the mattress and started to change into my pajamas. I'll shower in the morning, even though I don't like to do it in the morning but before sleep.
My cell phone lit up a few more times, but I let it go. I didn't write to anyone, I just turned to the other side and tried to sleep.
Tomorrow will be another day.
Another day you can screw up like this one.