The first three days after the fiasco I caused with Lexi, I kept walking around the bistro but didn't dare go inside.
I wanted to text her and apologize. To say that I made a mistake, that I don't want to think the worst about her, but my head won't let me.
I even thought about calling her, but I know I wouldn't be able to get a word out if it came to that.
And then I got a message. One message, five words, and I immediately packed up and got out of Portland.
I didn't know what it meant right away. I didn't know if gone meant she ran away or...
When I came back to New York. I found Killian in the worst condition I had ever seen him. Just by looking at him, I knew what Kai's "gone" meant.
I was there for him and for Lucy, who probably doesn't even know what happened.
Kai told me the whole story. Theo, who is like our brother, and his girlfriend Luna, completed the details.
It wasn't even two weeks after I left for Portland and everything fell apart here.
Even though I didn't know Lyssa for long, she saved my life. Yes, she almost killed me too, but that was more in self-defense, if you can call it that.
But still, I couldn't help but come.
For the first few days, everyone was mostly quiet. I think they were processing that she was gone.
I was trying to get Lucy out of the house. A small child should not be there when all the adults are falling apart around her.
Val, Sebastian, and Kai were the only ones who ever joined me. But always only one, so that the others stay with Killian.
Even though I'm not the best babysitting candidate, I know she needed it too. Get out of the house.
After the funeral, it was even worse. We buried an empty coffin. Killian became even more withdrawn. He stopped leaving the room, eating, and maybe even sleeping for three days.
No one came to his room, he wished it that way. Only Lucy went to him anyway, and I think that helped him.
Yesterday, however, something changed and he came down for breakfast in the morning. He didn't say much, but he didn't have to.
Lucy, who still had a half-full plate, jumped off her chair when Killian got up, walked over to him, grabbed his hand, and they left together.
I knew it would be more than a few weeks before everything was back to normal if it could even be called normal.
I kept getting Zack's messages, but I didn't have time to take care of that. I have to be here for my family.
*****
"Finn?" I looked up from the TV to see Killian standing in the living room doorway.
I put a finger to my mouth and nodded my head at Lucy who was sleeping by my side.
She fell asleep a few minutes back while we were watching one of her favorite fairy tales together, Brave.
I picked her up carefully before standing and placing her back on the couch. I put a pillow under her head and covered her with a blanket that was on the edge. I turned the TV volume down a bit and slowly walked over to Killian.
"You alright?" I asked but regretted it immediately. It's a stupid question.
"Val is going back to LA and I was wondering if you're going with her."
"What?" I frowned. "No, Killian, you need me here." I shook my head.
"I'm not going to ask you to put your life on hold for mine. You left because you needed to. I doubt that changed in a few days."
"But..."
"I'll pull myself together, Finn. It's always been this way. Theo, Luna, Kai, and Sebastian are staying here. I've got Lucy here." He pointed at her. "You can leave. Live the life that..."
"What if I don't want to?" I jumped into his speech. "What if I want to stay here?"
"Then I'll tell you that you're lying."
"Killian, come on." I snorted.
"I mean it. You didn't have a chance when you were little. I dragged you all into this madness, but now you can leave. Live a normal life and..."
"A normal life?" I frowned. "With what's in my head?" I pressed my finger to my temple. "I can't live a normal life, don't you understand? My head is a mess. I met one person and I..." I stopped at the memory of Lexi. "I just can't, okay? I thought I could, but I was wrong. The minute I walk out of here, I'm going to ruin someone else's life. And I'm going to have to live with that." I buried my finger in my chest. "So no, I'm not going anywhere."
"You're making a mistake, Finn. Trust me. You should go. If not Portland, somewhere else. Get out before..."
"Before what?"
"Before you end up like me." He said with pain in his voice. "The first time I didn't want to let you go, but now it's different. Go. Leave."
"What would be the meaning of it?"
"I'll never be able to walk away from all of this." He pointed around us. "But you can and you should. I'm not throwing you out of here, but please go while you have time. We'll be okay, I promise."
But am I going to be?
I watched the end credits of Guardians of the Galaxy scroll across the screen while I waited patiently for the post-credits scene.
When the movie was completely over, I grabbed the remote and stopped it before the next movie started.
I looked at the guys, who were all already asleep. I couldn't help but smile when I noticed how calm everyone looked.
This is our second day of watching Marvel movies.
I wouldn't mind watching another one, I don't want to sleep, but since they're all out, I won't watch without them.
I stood up and walked over to Jeremy, who was lying on the carpet in front of the TV. I bent down to him and shook him gently.
"Jerr." I whispered.
"Hmm." A soft sound escaped him, but he didn't even open his eyes.
"I'm going home, it's getting late." I kept whispering so as not to wake the others. I just want to let someone know I'm leaving so they don't worry when they wake up.
"I'll give you a ride." He muttered under his breath but didn't move.
"It's okay." I smiled. "Sleep, I'll text when I'm home." I leaned over and gave him a quick kiss in his hair. "You won't remember I told you anything anyway. Again." I laughed and stood up.
Jeremy tried to at least raise his hand to wave at me, but almost hit Lincoln, who was lying next to him.
I shook my head with a muffled laugh, gathered my things, put on my sweatshirt, and quietly slipped out of the living room. I put on my shoes and left the twins' apartment.
When I came out of the building, I took a deep breath of cold air, which overwhelmed me even more.
I walked towards my house since no bus would go that way this late.
I walked through dark streets that were only occasionally lit. One or two cars passed me, but otherwise no signs of life.
It's sad to say this, but if every day looked like this, the world would instantly be a better place.
I was just walking past one of the more richer parts of Portland when it seemed to me that the street was no longer as empty as it had been a minute ago.
I told myself in my head that I was just imagining it, but as I crossed the street to get to the other side of the road, I noticed a figure that was near me.
Even though I knew it was nothing, my heart began to beat faster, and my breathing became irregular.
It didn't help at all when the mysterious person whose face I couldn't see crossed over to the other side behind me.
"Surely it's just a coincidence," I whispered, but still picked up my pace a bit and started to turn around more so I knew where the person was.
When they also sped up, I started to pull out my phone from my pocket with shaking hands.
I went to contacts as quickly as possible and found Lincoln there.
I turned sharply to the right on the sidewalk, around the park, and when I wanted to dial a number, I hit a hard chest.
The phone slipped from my hands and landed somewhere on the sidewalk before a pair of strong hands caught me to stop me from falling from the impact.
Frightened, oblivious to my surroundings, I almost started to scream but stopped when I saw the face of the person I bumped into.
"Finn," I whispered, not believing my eyes.
"Lexi." He looked at me in surprise, as if I were a figment of his imagination. "Are you okay?" He frowned when he probably noticed how quickly my chest was rising.
He released me when I was firmly on my feet and my instinct was to turn to the person behind us and make sure they weren't getting closer and closer.
The person was standing in the middle of the sidewalk, under a small light, hands in pockets and hood over their head. But suddenly they turned and started walking away.
So maybe I didn't imagine it.
"Lexi. Lexi, hey." Finn's voice snapped me out of my trance and I turned to look at him. "Are you okay?" He asked again, concern in his voice. He looked at the person walking back from us and then back at me.
Only from his point of view, I concluded that he knows what would have happened if I hadn't bumped into him.
I looked into his eyes, not understanding how is he here right now. What is he doing here? I thought he moved.
I didn't want to believe my eyes. Maybe this is just a dream or almost a nightmare. Maybe I fell asleep at the twins' place.
I lightly pinched my hand just to be sure, and I can assure you that this is not a dream.
Finn is really here.
"What were you thinking?" He bent down and I was slightly taken aback by his words. "Why are you walking the dark streets alone in the dead of night?" He straightened up and handed me the phone. "God knows what could happen to you. You never know who you might run into." It was a reproach.
He's kidding me, right? He's not serious right now.
He did not come back after several weeks of no contact, and his first words were further reproaches aimed at me.
"Unbelievable." I snorted. "You're unbelievable." I shook my head, trying to absorb this whole situation.
"What?" He asked, not understanding.
"What?" I repeated his question. "You ask 'what'. I really can't do this right now." I raised my hand and slipped past him.
I know it's not safe for me to go around alone, but I won't spend another second of my life with him.
He asked WHAT!
"Lexi wait, you can't go alone..."
"Give me a break Finn." I cut him off before walking on.
I thought he was going to leave me alone, but I heard his quick footsteps behind me and soon he appeared beside me. What does he want?
"Lexi, please." He grabbed my hand, but I broke out of his grip.
"What do you want? Did you not understand me? Leave me alone." I continued on my way.
"Look, I understand that you're upset about what happened at the bistro, okay? I screwed up, I know that, and..."
"Do you really think that's all this is about?" I glared at him while unintentionally slowing my pace.
"It isn't?" He honestly seemed surprised.
"You know what? It doesn't matter." I waved my hand over it. "You just left and didn't let anyone know you were okay. If Destiny hadn't told me you moved..."
"Wait, what?" He cut me off. "I didn't move. Lexi stop." He grabbed her hand, now a little tighter, and we stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. "I didn't move." He repeated.
"Zack has been trying to call and text you. Just to know you're okay. Do you even know how scared we were? That something happened to you?" Now I blamed him for something.
"You were scared for me." He was taken aback, and his hand slowly fell from mine.
"Yes, just because you're acting like a jerk doesn't mean I wish anything bad to happen to you."
"I had to leave."
Yes, because he actually got to know me, and that probably scared him.
"My brother's girlfriend died." He swallowed hard.
Oh Lexi, you idiot. Why do you think that the whole world revolves only around you?