"I wanted to apologize to you every minute of every day." I continued as Lexi stared at me wordlessly. "I shouldn't have done what I did. I screwed up, I know, and I'm really sorry. But I didn't move. I had to go and help my brother with his daughter."
I didn't know what to expect. Will she believe me? Even if what I'm saying it's true, it doesn't mean she's going to believe a single word that comes out of my mouth. And it's understandable. After everything I've done, I don't deserve her to even listen to me.
"Oh my god Finn I'm so sorry." She spoke after a while and did something I really didn't expect. She hugged me.
I remained standing as if glued to the ground, my hands beside my body.
Lexi is hugging me.
My heart started beating faster and for the first time, I didn't mind being touched by a near stranger.
When I finally came to my senses and wanted to hug her back, she slipped out of my arms and took a step back.
Good job on wasting your only chance to hug her, because it sure as hell won't happen again.
"I thought you left because of me and..."
"What? Why would I leave because of you?" I frowned.
Don't tell me she really thinks I left because of her. Because if she did, and she felt bad because of me, I'm the biggest asshole in the whole fucking world.
"I just exploded. I've never done that before. I'm not the type to do that. And then I thought..."
"Lexi, the only person who screwed up that night was me. I'm really sorry for how I treated you. You didn't deserve it. I should have texted or called, but really, I was ashamed." I had a hard time getting that last word out.
I can't even remember the last time I was this honest with someone.
"I hope one day you'll forgive me and we can be...friends."
With the way you look at her? Good luck buddy.
"Oh." She hugged herself. "Sure, friends." She gave me a weak small smile.
"And as a potential friend, can I take you home?" I raised an eyebrow. "Your home, not mine." I blurt out. "But if you'd like some coffee...I don't have any at home. Maybe vodka? I don't know if you drink. But if you want coffee, we can find some place that's still open and..." I stopped when I saw how much she was holding back her laughter. I put my hands in my pockets and whispered, "It's not funny."
What is happening to me?
"Sorry." A small laugh escaped her mouth, but I couldn't be mad at her. She laughed. Even though it was at me. "Of course, I'll be happy if someone walks me home. It's a lot safer." She laughed nervously. "Um, this was." She pointed behind her with her finger and started walking away from me.
I followed her like an obedient puppy.
I'm screaming internally. SCREAMING!
Finn is back in Portland and he's walking me home.
I was wrong to think he left because of me. How could I be so self-centered? It didn't even occur to me that something could have happened to his friends or family.
He left for a really good reason and I cursed him mentally for days. Even though I was afraid that something had happened to him over time, I was mad at him.
Suddenly I didn't care what he told me that night in the bistro. I know it's a huge "stop right there Lexi, he's probably toxic" but I can't help it.
I'll remind you of that when he hurts you again.
"So..." I started talking, feeling really uncomfortable in this awkward silence, but I didn't know what I even wanted to say. "When did you get back?"
Good save. Shut up.
"Um, a few hours ago. I was just coming back from the store when you bumped into me...I mean, when we bumped into each other." Well, something definitely did change. He didn't blame just me. That's a huge progress
"Oh." I nodded and looked anywhere but at him. How can someone have such a perfect side profile?
"I..." He stopped himslef, clearly nervous. "How were you while I was gone?"
Devastated because I didn't know what happened to you.
You haven't even known him for a week.
"Um, fine." I shrugged my shoulders. "Everything as before. Work, friends, you know, normal things."
"I don't." He whispered until I almost couldn't hear it. I don't think he wanted me to hear it.
"What about you? Do you work somewhere here? Friends?"
I don't know if I was just imagining it, but he seemed much more tense. As if he was not comfortable in this conversation.
Did I do something wrong?
"You and Zack are the only ones I talk to." He put his hands in his pocket.
"Oh." I feel a little sorry for him. "You should go camping with us." It came out of me before I realized what I was doing.
"Camping?" He frowned and looked at me with those mesmerizing eyes of his.
"Um, yeah." What am I doing? I don't even know if I'm going. "Every year we go camping for the weekend. Jerr, the twins, Luca and Lincoln. But this year anyone can join. Destiny will probably go." I bit my lip. "If you would like to..."
"You going?" He jumped into my speech.
"Probably yes." I laughed nervously.
"I'll think about it." He nodded. "Thanks for...you know...asking."
"Of course we're friends, right?" I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear out of nervousness.
"Right." He said tensely.
"We're here." I breathed a little when I saw my house. "Well, thanks for walking with me."
"It wasn't a problem." He looked around and his gaze stopped at my house. "Do you live alone?" He frowned.
"Only with my dad." I hugged myself and looked at the house, which was lit and a figure could be seen close to the window. It's late, why is she still awake?
"Ah." He nodded, but there was clearly something he didn't like about looking at the shadow from inside. "I don't mean to be a bother, but could I have some water, please?" He looked down at me.
"You want to go in?"
"If it's not a problem." He smiled.
He can't even imagine what he would get into. I never know how I'm going to find my father.
Guys understand and respect when I don't invite them to my house. And dad's also not exactly thrilled when I bring someone home, so I don't.
"I'm not sure..." Before I could finish the sentence, the sound of breaking glass came from the house.
Without any hesitation, I ran into the house with Finn on my heels.
I opened the unlocked door and stopped between the hallway and the living room when I saw my father on his knees picking up pieces of glass by the TV.
"Dad, are you okay?" I asked, but he didn't even look at me, he just continued to collect the glass and put it on the table.
"It's a mess in here. It wouldn't hurt if you cleaned up here and there. I don't know what you do all day." He snorted. "You're always around those bastards who think..."
His words were interrupted by Finn, who cleared his throat right behind me.
Father immediately turned around and looked up from the ground to me and then to Finn. "I didn't know you were bringing guests," Dad said through gritted teeth and awkwardly stood up.
It was obvious to me that he was drunk. I know him. I don't know if Finn noticed. If so, he plays really well that nothing is happening.
I hate the feeling in my chest when I think about what Finn must be thinking right now. I feel as if someone is squeezing my chest and a stone appeared in my throat, through which I could not say anything.
"Let me know next time." He looked at me with a stern look and I could only nod.
"The kitchen is this way. You wanted water." I tried to get Finn away from my dad, but he spoke again.
"Then bring him water while he sits down. Sit down. I insist." He pointed to the couch looking at Finn.
"I have legs, I can..."
"It's okay." I jumped into Finn's speech. "I'll get you some water, but I'm sure you have somewhere to be." It was a minor request. I begged him with a look to take the water and leave.
He looked at me for a moment with a look I couldn't decipher before slowly nodding.
I quickly turned away from him and went to the kitchen. I picked up a glass and started to pour water when I heard voices from the living room.
"So what field do you work in?" I closed my eyes tightly at my father's voice.
"Currently unemployed." I could hear the hardness in his voice that he only spoke to Jeremy when they first met.
"Ah. Can't find a job?" It was a mockery.
"I'm not looking." He said while I was just walking back into the living room with a glass in my hand. Finn stood in the same place I left him while Dad sat in the chair. "Thank you." He reached for the glass and took a sip.
"If that was all..." I wanted to get him out of there as quickly as possible, but my father interrupted me.
"Don't be rude, Lexi. Sit down, both of you."
I closed my eyes tightly and exhaled heavily, turning my back to my father and facing Finn. "I'm sure Finn already has something." I looked up at him. "Go, please," I whispered so that only he could hear me.
He hesitated before glancing between my eyes. "Yeah, I have something." Finally, he said. "Thanks for the water." He handed me the glass back. "Will you walk me to the door?"
"Sure." I quickly placed the glass on the table next to my father and walked back to Finn. I escorted him to the door.
He was already standing outside the threshold when he started talking. "Lexi..."
"I'm sorry," I whispered. "Got to go, see you later. Night." I closed the door before he could say anything.
I saw through the peephole that after standing for a while he decided to leave.
When I couldn't see Finn anymore, I took a deep breath and prepared myself to face for whatever happens next.
I pushed myself from the door and walked back into the living room.
The moment I saw my father's face, I regretted not sleeping at the twins' place.
"I don't know what the fuck you think you're doing, but this is my house." He said between his teeth. "You won't bring whoever you want here." He stood up and I reflexively took a step back.
It was a mistake as it only made him start walking towards me. When he was close enough to me, he grabbed my hair hard, my neck tilted back, his mouth close to my ear, and my nose filled with the strong smell of alcohol.
"Don't you find it disgusting? Hanging out with so many guys." His grip on my hair tightened. "I didn't realize I didn't have to pay anyone to have a whore under my roof." With his hand in my hair, he pushed me into the nearest wall and I fell to the ground from the impact.
Before I regained my composure and opened my eyes, the pain easing slightly, my father was already walking away.
Tears welled up in my eyes when I heard him closing the entrance doors.
Unable to lift myself off the ground, I sat there and let the tears roll down my cheeks.
I don't know how long I just sat staring into space, but after a while, I got up and my legs started to carry me to the bathroom.
Fully dressed, I sank into the corner of the shower. I turned on the cold water, which started running down my hair and then all over my body.
Before I was even soaked from the cold water, I reached for a spare razor and placed it gently on my hand, on the already healed cuts.
I watched as a white strip followed behind the razor blade, which after a few seconds turned into a slightly red shade.
I pressed the razor on the scar, and the moment I damaged the skin, I felt all the tension drip out of me along with the blood.
I threw my head back in pleasure as I continued to cut slowly.
I could finally breathe.
Suddenly it didn't matter anymore that I broke the promise I made to myself. Promise that I'll never do it again.
Nothing mattered.
"It's all right." With a smile on my face, I breathed a sigh of relief. "It will be okay."
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