I looked at Lexi, her eyes filled with remorse. She blames herself for not seeing that I wasn't okay.
"I'm so sorry." She repeated with a trembling voice. "I should've known. I should've been there. And maybe if I'd noticed sooner, you wouldn't be..." You looked me over from head to toe. "How could I be so blind?"
"It's not your fault." It's only mine.
I know I'm not okay. I know I'm messed up. Every part of my head is screaming until it's unbearable. And the only way to soothe them is to replace that pain with physical pain. And it worked. Every time.
Well, at least until I met her. My sunshine.
When I'm with her, everything else disappears. Everything else seems unimportant. All the worries of the world go away when she walks into the room and I don't know why. I don't know why her.
But I'm afraid of what will happen when she leaves me after this. And that will happen. She'll finally see how damaged I am and leave.
"Why, Finn?" She almost whispered.
"I don't know," I told the truth. "I can't help it. It's the only way I can quiet my head."
Her hands flew to her mouth before she covered her entire face, especially her eyes, and let out a shaky breath.
I didn't know where it would go from now on, what would happen. Will she leave? Is she going to leave me? If so, what will I do?
Lexi suddenly moved from her spot, hands still on her face, and started walking towards me. I didn't know if I should dodge her because she wanted to leave, but I stood like a pillar as she crashed into my chest and her arms wrapped around me.
"Please talk to me." She hugged me tightly as if she was afraid I would run away. "Whatever it is just...talk to me."
I was still looking at the place where she had been standing a moment ago, confused as to what was going on. My heart slowly crumbled with every step she took towards me, worried that she was leaving. But now? My heart beats in my chest like it never has before.
And my head is not quiet, but not loud either. it's...calm.
My arms found their way around Lexi and I hugged her back. I felt her relax immediately.
"Just talk Finn. I promise I will listen."
I heard those words over and over while we hugged, I will listen. She will listen. She won't yell at me and tell me that what I'm doing is wrong. That I'm ruining my life. She just wants to listen to me.
And precisely because of those words, I think I fell in love with her.
Okay, so, that was a little more emotional than I thought it would be. But I'm glad that a few things were said. Mainly that I'm here for him if he needs it. And I hope that if he needs help, he'll tell me, preferably with words, because it's obvious that I'm blind as a bat sometimes.
When I calmed down and pulled away from Finn, I immediately went to make us tea. It was too late when I realized there was no way he had a tea stashed somewhere.
"I'll be right back," I said walking out of Finn's apartment without a word from him.
I knocked on Zack's door and waited for him to open it. "Lexi, hi. I should stop being surprised to see you here." He laughed. "What's up?"
"I need tea. Please." I put on my best smile.
"Anything for you." He went back to the apartment and returned a few seconds later with three boxes of tea. "I don't know which one you wanted, but you can have them all."
"Thanks, Zack. I'll get them back to you ASAP."
"Don't worry about it." He waved his hand over it. "But are you sure you don't want something stronger?" He raised an eyebrow.
"This is enough, thank you." I laughed. "See you later."
"See ya." He winked at me and went to his apartment while I went back to Finn's.
I found him exactly where I left him. He didn't move an inch. His gaze was still on the table and it was obvious that he was lost in his own head. That's not a good sign.
I walked over to him with the tea and sat down. I relaxed a little when he looked away from the table and looked at me. He thanked me for the cup that I handed him and placed it on the table as I did.
"I don't remember my mother." He started. "And my father...well, he was aa asshole." His gaze shifted from me to the white cup in front of him. "He tried to kill me one night."
With those words, as if all joy disappeared from the whole world.
"That's how I got to this." He ran his hand over the scar on his neck. "I remember it like it was yesterday. Sometimes I dream about it. That I'm under him again, with the kitchen knife at my throat. After that happened, I don't think I was ever normal. Killian kicked him out of the house and I haven't seen him since I know he was trying to take Val but I wasn't home at the time.
As we grew up, I think I came off the worst. I don't know if everyone forgot about it, but I couldn't. The moment I had a chance to forget it, I took it. I started drinking and fighting. It wasn't that serious at first. Some black eyes, scratches, scuffed hands, or a torn lip.
Everyone slowly became interested in something else. Killian was building a name for himself and us in New York, and Kai helped him the most. Sebastian was taking care of himself and the other woman he would bring to bed that day. I think it was his defense mechanism to avoid having to face reality. Val moved out the moment she had the chance, which was good for her, but I was left alone. I slowly disappeared into the shadows and was only noticed when I came home covered in bruises and blood.
It was an escape. From everything and everyone. Many times I wanted it to end. I wanted whoever I was fighting to finally get me. With each punch I received...I felt a little lighter. But then I realized what will happen after I'm gone. I didn't want them to blame themselves. So I tried to avoid fights at one point. My mental health only got worse and it was impossible to be in the same room with me. I started again and it was only more brutal.
I always tried to hide it, but Kai saw through all my masks. He always started yelling at me that one day it was going to kill me and as soon as he finished he went to get Killian to tell me something too. It was only worse. They didn't understand what was happening to me and I wasn't any better. I had no idea what was happening to me. I just wanted it all to stop.
When Lucy arrived I knew I had to leave. I went here. My plan was simple. Survive. First day here and got drunk to the point of blacking out. I wanted to be alone. I didn't want other people to worry about me." He looked up at me. "And then there was you. You radiated joy and your smile..." He smiled. "I couldn't stay away even when I wanted to. You didn't even know it, and you helped me more than my siblings ever could. But after what happened at that party, something inside me broke again, so I pissed off the biggest guy I could find and let him beat me until I felt nothing. The worst part is that even though it always helped, it didn't work this time. I just felt worse. So you're right. I'm not okay. I'm not okay, but I don't know what to do. And until I came here, I probably didn't even want to change it."
"And now?" I finally said, unable to say anything more.
"I want to change, Lexi. I really do." He said with sincerity in his eyes. "You didn't run away when I told you about the mafia. Now I told you..."
"I'm still not going anywhere." I cut him off before he finished. "I'm sorry to tell you, but if you want me gone, you're going to have to kick me out and lock the doors and windows." I laughed and was glad when Finn joined me.
"Thank you for listening to me." He said and something inside me broke for him. He just needed someone to listen to him and not give him advice on how to manage his own life.
"Okay, so...my turn, huh?" I laughed nervously.
"Lexi, you don't have to do that for me..."
"I don't think I'm doing this for you Finn." I looked up, his eyes on me. "I think I have to do this for myself too. I've never told anyone, and maybe if I do, it won't hurt so much."
"Okay." He said carefully. "Whenever you want to stop, just say."
"Okay, so...I started with it when I was seventeen." I crossed both my legs and leaned against the sides of the couch. "My father used to scream when he was drunk. He used to beat my mom. And sometimes me." I looked down at my hands on my legs. "He used to yell at us that everything that went wrong in his life was our fault. And I think I took it too much to heart. One night when I was twenty-one..." I shook my head. Why is it so hard? "I'm sorry, I..." I exhaled heavily. "I want to say it, but it's just..."
"Take your time. We have all the time in the world." He gave me a small smile and I relaxed a little.
I took another deep breath before I started talking with the determination to finish this time. "One night I was sitting in my room reading the book The Fault in Our Stars." I said the exact book because I remember it like it happened yesterday. I remember all the feelings. "It was quiet and then I heard my mother scream 'Mark stop please'. When I came downstairs I saw my father strangling my mother. She tried to fight and scream but it was like he didn't hear her at all. She immediately noticed me and I still remember the way she looked at me. Her heart broke at that moment. She screamed at me to go back to the room but I didn't listen. Instead, I ran to them and tried to get him off her. I punched him right in the face and he let her go. I pulled her close and immediately started hugging her. I told her we should leave, but she said..." I closed my eyes hard. "She said it would be okay. When Dad pulled himself together, he lunged at us. He was screaming like crazy and I tried to stop him from getting to Mom, but he just threw me out of the way like I was nothing. I hit my head against the wall and was out for a moment. I just heard voices and screams until..." I shook my head. "It was quiet."
"Lexi..." Finn moved closer to me and placed his hands on my cheeks. Only then did I realize I was crying because he started wiping my tears away.
"When I came to I saw her on the ground and there was so much blood under her head. And he just stood there. He didn't do anything. I screamed at him to call an ambulance and when he did he said she had fallen. She was in a coma for weeks, and when she woke up...she didn't know..."
"Shh." Finn pulled me into a hug and I couldn't say anything anymore. He didn't even need me to tell him anything more, he knew the rest. He knows that she never got out of the hospital after that.
I cried into his shirt for I don't know how long while he held me without saying a word the whole time. It should have been the other way around. I came to help him. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this today. He wasn't supposed to be the one to comfort me.
But the worst thing is that I didn't feel any better. I didn't feel any lighter. On the contrary. I felt as if someone was squeezing my heart, trying to destroy it.
And if Finn wasn't holding me at that moment, I don't think I'd have any heart left after today.