It wouldn't be me if I didn't released a chapter sooner than I was supposed to. I couldn't wait any longer tho ;)
Sometimes you just want the whole world to stop.
You want to quiet the voices inside your head.
They're screaming so loud that you can't hear yourself talk.
So loud that it feels like it's going to make your ears bleed.
Your hands are uncontrollably shaking, leg jumping and you're zoning out every minute.
You try to smile so no one would worry about you. Be there for others because you know that there are people who have it harder than you.
But that mask we wear falls every time we're alone. When no one is looking.
It's the time when we're looking at the ceiling at three am, lost in out thoughts.
Thought of what would happen if we were just gone. Would it be easier? Would it still hurt? Would the pain just go away instantly?
But those thoughts stay just thoughts.
Because it's selfish, isn't it? Make someone love you and then leave. Check out of their life.
You didn't ask to be loved but suddenly you are and the choice to leave was taken away from you with the snap of a finger.
You look into your sibling, friends, or family's eyes and you know that you can't leave them because it would destroy them. And they don't deserve that.
So you live. No. You exist. A body without a soul. But hey, at least we smile, right? And that makes the people around us feel better. That's all that matters at the end of the day.
It doesn't matter that we're strangers in our own bodies. That we try to shut everything out when we're not around people we care about.
Trying to find ways to stop the pain.
Replace the psychological pain with the physical one.
Get beat up to the point where you just don't feel and the whole world is silent for once. Your head is finally quiet and peaceful.
But then they see us. The day after, our body damaged, but they don't know that in our head we're damaged more.
And the pity in their eyes makes us want to end it all.
They blame themselves. Say that if they did something different we wouldn't be this way.
And maybe they're right. We wouldn't be here but six feet under.
But of course, they don't want to hear that.
So we lie.
We do that so much that we can't even tell the difference between lie and truth ourselves anymore.
And we hate ourselves even more when we lie to those we love.
I know I do.
I hate every single thing I do. From the time I wake up to the point, I go to sleep.
And there's nothing anyone can do.
So when I looked my brother in the eyes, when I was at the darkest place, at the bottom of the well, pit whatever you like to call it, I told him I was leaving.
Said to him that I need help and that I'm going to get it, just not with him in New York, not with any of my siblings.
Another lie.
But I couldn't look at them anymore and see the way they looked at me. It was ruining me.
I need space where I can lock myself up and no one can get in, not even my own thoughts.
Go somewhere where no one knows me. Where I can be just another stranger walking down the street.
Portland.
A place where I've never been.
A city that I picked with a coin. I tossed it over a map and it fell on it. The next thing I did was packed.
I said goodbye to my siblings and left New York for Portland.
Stopped for a night on my way but I didn't sleep anyway. I just stared at the ceiling and thought about things I shouldn't be.
And then I was here. In Portland, driving to my new place, my oldest brother on the phone making sure I got here safely.
"I really hope you got yourself something comfortable. If there's any problem with the money..."
"What you sent is enough." I cut him off.
Killian sent a few thousand to my account, saying that I should get a place to live and everything around it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I won't be sleeping under a bridge, but I can't help thinking that I can't do anything on my own again and have to rely on others.
"If you need anything, please call, Finn." I could hear in his voice that he was worried about me.
"Of course." A lie. "I have to go, I'm almost there."
"Take care and call me."
"Yeah, yeah. Bye, Killian." I let him say his goodbyes before taking my eyes off the road for a moment to hang up and put my phone down.
I looked up from the dashboard and immediately hit the brakes when a woman appeared a few meters in front of me.
I barely managed to brake, the belt cutting into my chest.
"Shit!" I screamed and started throwing my hands at the woman who was looking at me confused.
I honked, which made her jump slightly. She shook her head and continued across the road.
Unbelievable.
*****
I parked the car in front of the building where my apartment was supposed to be and took two travel bags out of the trunk.
I went up the stairs to the top floor and found apartment number 16.
I unlocked it and went inside.
I dropped my bags on the ground next to my feet and closed the door behind me.
I took a deep breath and looked around.
To the right was a couch with a table and a television. Behind the TV was a smaller wall behind which I could see the edge of the bed.
To the left was a small kitchen and a counter that counts as a table with two chairs. Behind the desk, I saw another door that must have led to a bathroom that I would check out later.
I was looking at an apartment that was both full and empty at the same time.
It was so quiet here.
I could hear my own heart beating in my chest.
And my thoughts.
"No," I said to myself and took out a pack of cigarettes from my pocket. I picked one out and lit it before taking two steps into the apartment.
I exhaled a cloud of smoke and relaxed slightly.
I left my bags on the floor in front of the door and walked over to the bed. I jumped at it, my gaze on the ceiling.
"You and I are going to be best friends," I said before taking a drag of my cigarette.
Before I could even breathe it out, the sound of knocking echoed through the apartment.
I sat on the end of the bed and looked at the door in confusion. What the hell?
As I wasn't walking, I heard another knock.
So it wasn't just in my head.
I stood up, cigarette between my fingers, and walked to the door. I moved both bags behind the door with my foot and opened it.
I frowned at the guy standing outside the door of my new apartment.
He was almost as tall as me. He had a slightly built body and couldn't have been more than twenty-seven. But what struck me the most was his hair.
It was blue.
Where the hell did I move to?
"I thought someone had finally moved in." He smiled and looked at me with his hands in his pockets.
"Can I help you?" I raised an eyebrow, slightly annoyed.
"Zack." He took his hand out of his pocket. "Apartment fifteen." He nodded his head somewhere behind him.
I examined his hand, but instead of accepting it, I put the cigarette between my lips and took a drag.
"Can I help you?" I asked again.
I'm not looking for friends here. I'm not looking for anyone here. I want to be left alone.
Apart from a conversation with a saleswoman in a store or restaurant, I have no plans to socialize.
"I like you." He laughed and pulled his hand back.
"You're not my type," I said seriously.
"See? I like you even more now." Before I could even react, he slipped past me into the apartment.
"Hey! The fuck do you think you're doing? You can't just walk in here." I remained standing by the door. "Get out."
"Do you like hockey?" He stopped by the couch and turned to me.
"No." Why can't he leave?
"Me neither." He smiled. "So where are you from?"
"Get out," I said sternly. "I'm not looking for friends here." I opened the door even more. "Out."
"Unfortunately, I'm here. If you haven't noticed, there are only two rooms on this floor. That means..." He pointed at me and then at himself. "We're basically roommates."
I should have chosen Europe.
"Trust me, you'll love me." The corner of his mouth turned up. "By the way, your tattoos are sick." He nodded his head at my hands.
"What do I have to do to get you to leave? I'll pay you." I meant it.
"You're not a people person, are you?" He laughed and walked over to me. "We'll change that, don't worry."
"Please leave," I said desperately.
"All right." He nodded his head with a smile and walked closer to the door. "Hockey is on in the evening. We can watch it and curse at how stupid the game is. I'll bring beer." He turned on his heel and walked out of my apartment, straight into his. He slammed the door behind him and disappeared from my sight.
I stood in the doorway, stunned, thinking about what the hell just happened.
*****
I had no plans to go anywhere today, but I ran out of cigarettes, so I went to buy more. While I was there, I also bought the cheapest vodka and some chips.
"Bag?" The elderly cashier smiled at me.
"No, thanks." I took the card out of my wallet and held it to the terminal.
I put the cigarettes in my pocket and took the bottle and chips in my hand. I walked out of the store and breathed in the fresh cool air.
I started walking back to my apartment along the sidewalk.
People were walking past me. Men, women, children, and I again began to think about stupid things.
Each of them has their own life. Their own problems and worries.
Some of them may have it worse than me.
I mean, what do I have to complain about?
I have a brother who makes millions. A roof over my head, food if I want it, and siblings who want to be there for me.
And I'm still not okay.
How can I not be okay? What am I doing wrong?
I could easily be a billionaire and still be who I am now. Money can't buy you to be okay.
But what can they buy? Alcohol.
Yes, it's just a stupid way to fool my own head that everything is fine, but I can't help it. I'm weak.
Therefore, even before I got to the apartment, I opened a bottle of vodka and drank from it.
Just as I was closing the door to the apartment, my cell phone buzzed in my pocket. As I took it out, I found a message there.
I looked at his message with pain in my chest.
I don't deserve my siblings. I don't deserve someone who cares about me. I'll just ruin their lives. I will pull them into the hole in which I am alone.
They don't deserve that.
Nobody does.
My grip on the bottle tightened as I looked at my cell phone whose screen had already gone blank.
My jaw clenched and I squeezed the bottle harder, and that's when my nerves must have snapped because I threw it directly into the chairs.
The bottle shattered into smaller pieces and its contents spilled over the counter and floor.
I'm messed up.
The first chapter is out!
I hope you're as excited as I am.
I can't wait for you to get to know all the characters and the story of Finn and Lexi.
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