"No." I said as I opened the door to find Zack standing behind it.
"I haven't even said anything yet." He looked at me annoyed.
"Your point?" I raised an eyebrow.
"You're in a good mood I see." He slipped past me into the apartment and sat down on the couch. "I thought you'd be in a better mood with Lexi staying here."
"How do you know she's staying here?" I closed the door and sat next to him.
"Luca mentioned it." He shrugged.
"He can talk? I thought he just rolled his eyes and growled like a dog."
"That's my boyfriend you're talking about, be careful." He pointed a finger at me threateningly.
"Boyfriend? Are you official?" And why do I even care?
"Well...it wasn't said out loud." He looked away from me.
"Mmm." I put my hand on his back. "It's good to have an imagination."
"Dickhead." He slapped my arm and I couldn't help but laugh.
"So what are you doing here?"
"I haven't bothered you in a long time, so I stopped by."
"Ah, so you missed me." I smiled.
"What were you talking about imagination?" He snorted.
"Dickhead." I laughed.
*****
Zack and I didn't leave the couch for almost the whole day. Only later, when Lexi arrived, did we turn our attention away from the TV.
"Hello, beautiful." Zack smiled at her.
"Hey, Zack." She gave him a small smile and I knew from that alone that something was wrong. She looked worried. "Would you mind if you left us alone for a while?" She gripped her left hand with her right, shifting nervously from one foot to the other.
"Yeah, sure. Looks like someone's got a problem here." He whispered to me as he got up from the couch.
I ignored his comment and kept my eyes on Lexi. I don't feel good about this.
Zack disappeared from my apartment, closing the door behind him, and leaving the two of us alone.
"Why didn't you tell me?" She spoke first.
I paused for a moment, wondering what I hadn't said to her, but I couldn't think of anything. I told her everything after all. At least I think so.
"Lexi, what are you..."
"Pancakes." She cut me off.
"Oh." I breathed a sigh of relief, reassuring myself that it was nothing serious.
"They were oversalted. Why didn't you say anything?"
"Does it matter? I just didn't want to hurt you. And they weren't that much..."
"They were." She said harshly. "They were disgusting, how could you eat them?"
"Lexi, why does it matter?" I looked at her uncomprehendingly. They're just pancakes after all. We all make mistakes, and this is not one of the major ones.
"Why are you letting me sleep here?"
"What's this ab..."
"Why do you care what happens to me? Why did you protect me from my father? Why did you listen when I told you to stop fighting? Why did you..."
"What are you doing?" I jumped into her speech and stood up from the couch at the same time. "What are these questions?"
"Just answer me. Please."
"What do I know? I just did it, why does it matter? Why..."
"Do you like me?" She silenced me.
I stood still, my gaze glued to her, not knowing what to say to her. Where did this question come from? Or what should I even answer her?
Yes Lexi, I like you so much that if you told me to walk on hot coals, I would do it. How could someone not like you? You are kind, caring, intelligent, beautiful inside and out. I'd be crazy if I didn't like you.
Or should I tell her, no, because I don't want to destroy what is between us now? No, Lexi, I only see you as a friend?
I don't know which one would hurt us both more. And what would push her further away from me.
"It's a simple question, Finn." She spoke again when I didn't answer after a long while.
"Nothing about that question is simple." I frowned. "It's complicated."
"Yes or no." She pressed me to answer.
"Lexi..." I closed my eyes hard.
"Yes or..."
"Yes!" I screamed. "Yes, I like you, okay? How could I not? You make me feel things I've never felt before. I can't sleep when I don't know you're okay or when you're not next to me. You're in my head every second of every day." I threw my arms around, words flying out of my mouth without restraint. "I don't even know how it happened. I don't know what to do. Do you know how hard it is for me to see you every day and know that you don't feel the same way I do? To know that one day you'll leave me and go to someone else? Someone who is okay in their head? Someone who deserves you?"
"Finn..." She took a step towards me, but I kept talking.
"Ever since I met you, I've been trying to change for the better, to be worthy of you, to not have to see you with someone else, because really, it would destroy me, okay? I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy with me. But you'll never see me like that, will you? It doesn't matter what I do, you'll never..."
Before I even knew what was happening, Lexi was at my side, pulling me by the neck, her lips crashing into mine, silencing me.
It was the moment when the whole world stopped spinning. When time stopped and everything became silent.
The warmth of her lips and touch was like nothing I had ever felt. It was something new. Something I never wanted to get rid of.
My hands found their way to her cheeks. I held her close and never wanted to let go.
She slowly pulled away from my lips but didn't take a step away. She rested her forehead against mine, breathing heavily before saying, "yes or no would be enough for me." I laughed at that.
"Are you sure?"
"Eh." She shrugged. "Now you ask me."
"Do you like me?" I laughed, glancing between her eyes.
"I've never felt as safe with anyone as I do with you."
And that meant more to me than a simple yes.
I needed to hear those words more than I needed to breathe.
I hate being someone who overthinks everything.
Do you know what it's like? Too much to think about every second of your life?
I'll tell you what it's like to be one.
In front of me is a man who just told me he likes me and I can't shake the feeling that this is all just some kind of game. A game I will lose.
His eyes and actions tell a different story, but I can't help it. A little voice in the back of my head won't leave me alone.
What if it's a game?
What if he just wants to hurt you?
What if?
What if I'm just being naive again? Because that's what I'm good at. I always have been and probably always will be.
Oh god, why did I even go to see him? Why am I...
"Lexi." Finn said my name in a firm voice, his hands on my cheeks, concern in his eyes. "Breathe."
I took a deep breath before closing my eyes and exhaling heavily, repeating this a few times in a row.
"That's it." He said quietly. "It's okay. You're okay. Just stop thinking."
"I'm sorry I..."
"I get it." He cut me off. "You have nothing to apologize for, sunshine. But we're going to have to work on it, okay?" I nodded slowly. "That's my girl." His fingers moved on my cheeks, causing me to relax more.
"It's stupid, I know." I opened my eyes with less determination.
"There are a lot of stupid things in the world, Lexi. But your feelings? Never." He smiled. "Why don't we sit down and watch something, huh?" He raised an eyebrow.
"Okay." I said quietly.
"Okay." He smiled. "Would you like a pancake?"
"Oh God." I laughed and hid my face in my hands. "Please tell me you threw them out."
"I offered them to Zack. His face was unforgettable."
"I'm going to fall underground." I groaned in frustration.
This will haunt me for the next few weeks.
*****
It's been a few days since I kissed Finn and we still haven't talked about it.
In those few days, we fell into a routine that was not like the previous ones. It wasn't like one of those I hated so much. Something was different.
I was getting ready to leave for the hospital when Finn stopped me. "Where are you going?"
"Since we're going camping tomorrow," I started putting on my shoes, "I want to go check on my mom."
"Ah, good." He nodded.
Finn's injuries are now gone. He said that nothing hurts anymore and I was glad about that. His bruises are slowly fading and every day Finn is getting stronger. But just to make sure I didn't hurt him at night with my excessive tossing and turning, he stayed asleep on the couch while I was in his bed.
I tried to argue with him about it a few times, but I never won.
"I hope you enjoy your weekend." He gave me a narrow smile.
"What?" I frowned. "You enjoy? You're not going?" The whole time I thought we would go together.
"I thought I wasn't...I thought you might have changed your mind since you haven't mentioned anything in the past week."
"Well, I didn't say anything because I expected you to go. You don't want to go?"
"Of course I want to go with you," he stood up from the couch and took a few steps towards me, "I just didn't know if you still wanted to. We spend a lot of time together, so I thought you wanted to spend a few days with your friends. "
"You're still my friend too." I grabbed my left hand nervously. "I want you there."
"Oh." He smiled, relieved by my words. "Then yes, I'll be happy to go."
"Okay." I said quietly. This is the first conversation in a week that was a little more awkward. "I'll go." I pointed to the door and took a step towards it followed by another.
"Lexi, wait." He stopped me when I opened the door.
"Yes?" I almost stopped breathing.
"Can I join you?"
"Of course you can." I nodded with a smile.
*****
"Lexi, can I take you away for a moment?" I tore my attention from my mother to the door where Rachel was standing.
I looked at Finn who just nodded. Normally, I wouldn't feel so comfortable leaving someone with my mother, but I didn't have a problem with him.
"Mmm." I stood up and left them alone while I stepped out of the room and into the hallway with Rachel. "Is everything okay with mom?" I asked with less concern.
"Yes, yes, your mother is fine." I was relieved at her words. "It doesn't look like the treatment is working yet, but that could change from day to day." She smiled. "I wanted to ask how you are, sweetie?"
"Me?" I looked at her in shock. "Well...yeah...I'm fine."
"That's good." She nodded. "How are things at home?"
"I really don't know." I shrugged my shoulders. "I'm not staying there right now. Why do you ask?"
"Your father..."
"He was here?" I asked scared.
"No no." She shook her head. "I mean, yes, but not to see your mother."
"What?" I frowned. "So what then..." And then I realized it. This is a hospital. If he was here, something must have happened. "Is he fine?"
"Just a broken arm. Nothing serious."
"That's..." I breathed out. "That's good. Did he say how it happened to him?"
"He wasn't very talkative."
"Thank you for telling me Rachel." I gave her a narrow smile.
"Of course. I have to go but take care, sweetie."
"Sure thing." She smiled at me and squeezed my shoulder gently as she walked past me.
I returned to the door of the room, a heavy feeling in my heart, but it immediately disappeared when my eyes fell on Finn and my mother. Finn was sitting a little closer than when I left and my mother was holding both of his hands like she does with me while she laughed at something he said to her.
I just stood there for a short moment, enjoying the sight of them.
I never thought I would get here. I never thought anyone would accept me with all my baggage.
And here I am, looking at my mother and the man I'm falling more and more in love with every day.
How did we even get here?
I'll be a bit busy next week so sadly another chapters will come out on the 11.12