"Finn, stop it." I laughed and tried to push him away. "I can't cook in these conditions."
"Then let's go back to bed." He put his hands on my hips and buried his head in my neck, leaving a wet trail of kisses.
"We were in bed most of the morning." I rolled my eyes and continued to stir the sauce in the pan.
"Your point?" He kissed the sensitive spot below my ear.
"If you're bored, go take a shower." I don't mean that he stinks, just that I really can't concentrate when he's behind me like this.
"You going to join me?"
"Go." I pushed him away from me and we both laughed.
"The door will be open if you change your mind, sunshine." He winked at me and slowly walked past the table to the bathroom. After a while, I heard running water and it was not easy to stay standing by the stove and not join him.
I threw the pasta into the pan, where the sauce was already ready, and mixed it well. I put it down and prepared the plates. As I was picking out the cutlery, I heard a knock on the door.
"No counter." I pointed my finger at Sunny, who was already looking at our lunch with a tiny intention.
I went to the door and opened it. I was slightly surprised to see Luca in there.
"Luca, hi."
"Hey." He gave me a narrow smile. "Is Finn here?"
That surprised me even more. "Oh, um, yeah." I shook my head, trying to concentrate on what I was saying. "In the shower." I pointed my finger behind me.
"Did you say something?" Finn shouted and came out of the bathroom. I was glad that he was at least wearing a towel because that would be awkward. "Oh." His gaze rested on Luca in the doorway. "Everything okay?" He looked between us.
"I just finished cooking." I turned back to Luca. "Would you like to join us?"
"Zack and I are going to lunch, but thanks."
"Okay." I backed away from the door and returned to the kitchen. He obviously didn't come to see me, so I'm not going to stand there and get in the way. "Go." I mouthed to Finn when he didn't move and nodded my head at Luca.
"Me?" He mouthed back.
"Oh my God." I rolled my eyes and nodded my head more strongly towards the door.
"Fine." He strode to the door, one hand firmly on the towel, leaving wet footprints behind him. "So..." He didn't finish the sentence.
My hand immediately flew to my face. Guys talking feelings.
"I wanted to thank you for yesterday," Luca spoke up.
"Oh. It was nothing?" Finn sounded uncertain.
"No, it wasn't nothing...so thank you."
"Sure. Anytime?" Is it bad that I want to hit him?
He cleared his throat. "I'll go. Have a good time."
"See you later," I shouted after him.
"Bye." Finn closed the door as Luca stepped back and slowly walked over to the table. "Um, was that normal?"
"Sure. Anytime?" I repeated his words with raised eyebrows. "Really, Finn?"
"What was I supposed to say? It's not that big of a deal. A couple of drunk guys had stupid opinions, it's not that big of a..."
"It means a lot to him, okay?" I interrupted him. "A lot of people had a problem with him coming out as gay."
"Was it bad?" He frowned.
"His parents weren't thrilled." I took the plates from the counter and went to sit next to him. "A few of his friends stopped seeing him completely and some even..." I shook my head remembering how the boys told me some of what happened to Luca when he was nineteen. "He ended up in the hospital. It was a difficult time."
"He didn't want me there yesterday. When I stood up for him, he told me to leave."
"He looks tough, but he wouldn't hurt a fly. If he fought the first time something like this happened to him, he wouldn't have ended up in the hospital."
"Wait, he didn't fight back?"
"He said he deserved it. His whole family is very religious, so they've been telling him it's not right all his life."
"So if I hadn't stopped them yesterday..."
"He wouldn't fight back." I completed his thought. "And since one of them had a knife, God knows how it would turn out."
"I'm not surprised he doesn't like people."
"But he has us." I smiled. "You too now."
"You have good people around you. The guys, I mean."
"Right?" I laughed. "I love them. And if you think that I would never have met them if Jeremy hadn't bumped into me at a party. I didn't even want to go, but it's a good thing I did. I can't imagine life without them."
"Then you're in luck. Even your children will be best friends."
"I hope so, but some may be moving out. Lincoln for work, the twins won't be living together forever, and Jeremy..."
"And how about you?" He cut me off. "Do you want to live in Portland all your life?"
"I grew up here. I don't know anything else." I shrugged my shoulders. "And I can't leave my mom."
"How is she, by the way?"
"Better. I want to bake something this week and bring it to her."
"Wednesday, right?"
I was a little surprised that he remembered. "Yeah, Wednesday."
"Can I join?"
"You don't even have to ask that. Now eat before it gets cold. It's best as soon as it's cooked."
"Yes ma'am." He laughed and threw himself into the food, but after the first bite, he made a sour face. "Um, sunshine."
"No, no, no. Don't tell me I mixed up sugar and salt again." I grabbed my fork and tasted it. Everything was normal and when I looked at Finn he was holding back a laugh. "It's not funny." I punched him in the shoulder. "I was genuinely worried."
"Sorry, I couldn't help myself."
"You're lucky you don't have any rat poison around." I glared at him.
"Why? You'd get that mixed up too?" He laughed.
"Oh, no, no, no." I shook my head. "It wouldn't be a mistake." I frowned.
"Should I be afraid?"
"Yes." I said harshly.
I swear I was trying to sound and look intimidating. But it obviously didn't work, as he kept laughing.
And as much as I'd like to be mad at him when I hear him laugh, it's impossible.
*****
"Thank you for coming with me." He closed the apartment door behind us when we returned from my mother's.
"I enjoyed it. Adelaide was full of jokes today." He's right, we laughed more today than ever before. She also made Finn call her by her first name. She wasn't too thrilled when he called her ma'am, even though I thought it was cute.
"Hi." I bent down to Sunny and patted him. "Did you miss us?" He licked my hand with his rough tongue.
"He had no one to give him food, of course he missed us." He walked past me to Sunny's bowl and gave him his usual dinner. Sunny immediately ran to him.
"So you're basically saying he's you."
"Ha-ha-ha." He rolled his eyes and came back to me. "Funny." He put his hands on my hips and lowered his head to kiss me. "Can I lock him in the bathroom tonight?"
"What are you planning on doing with me?" I laughed.
"Only what we'll both enjoy." He smiled into the kiss, but we were interrupted by the ringing of my phone.
"Just a second." Finn let out a frustrated breath before I took my phone out of my pocket and noticed it was Ellie calling me. "Yes?"
"Hey Lexi. Uhm, are you with the guys?"
"No, why?" I looked at the clock in the kitchen and saw that it was only half past six, so Luca was still at the vet and Lincoln was at the hospital.
"Jeremy texted me that he was leaving the twins and I haven't heard back yet."
"From the twins?" Finn lowered his head to my neck and kissed it softly. "I'm not surprised, he probably turned off his phone because they were watching a game." I laughed softly as Finn's kisses began to tickle me.
"Maybe you're right."
"I have to go, but text me when he shows up." I pulled away from Finn. "Stop." I whispered to him.
"Sure. Sorry to bother you."
"Oh no, it's okay. Have a good night, Ellie."
"Bye." I canceled the call.
"You can't help yourself, can you?" I laughed.
"Not when I'm around you." He grabbed my thighs and lifted me into the air. "How about an early shower?"
"I think that's a wonderful idea." I wrapped my arms around his neck. "But this time I'd appreciate it if we undressed first."
"You would end up naked anyway." He started walking with me on his hands.
"Finn." I playfully hit him on the shoulder.
"What? I'm only telling the truth." He laughed.
He's telling the truth, but he doesn't have to say it out loud like that.
*****
"What are you in the mood for?" Finn asked as we sat on the couch a few hours later trying to pick a movie.
You. I wanted to answer. Again. "Maybe some rom-com?" I shrugged my shoulders. "Choose something, I'll go brush my teeth quickly." I pushed the blanket off me, revealing Finn's sweatpants and the t-shirt I was wearing, and headed to the bathroom.
I started brushing my teeth while looking at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I hated it. I didn't like the way I looked, or I didn't know the person who was looking at me.
But now it's different.
I think I'm finally starting to figure out who I am. I would say it's about time.
I smiled in the mirror for the first time in years, not because I practiced my fake smile, but because I wanted to. Because I was happy.
I used to be afraid to be happy because something bad always happened afterwards, but it was all just in my head. Now I know.
With a smile on my face, I walked out of the bathroom and noticed Finn standing by the open door. The moment I came out, two pairs of eyes shifted to me.
"Lincoln?" I walked a little closer. "What are you doing here?" I stopped at the kitchen table and looked at the time, it's eleven, a little late for a visit. I then looked back at Lincoln and only then did I notice his expression. "Lincoln, are you okay?" I stood next to Finn, who also didn't know what was going on by the look on his face.
"I didn't know..." His eyes filled with tears. "I didn't know who it was about when they called."
"What are you talking about? Lincoln, what happened?" I grabbed his hands trying to calm him down. "Something in the hospital?" I knew that he was supposed to work in a hospital for these few months, it's like practice. It's hard work, especially when half of the cases that occur are life-threatening.
"I'm sorry Lexi, I couldn't help him." He was breathing shakily. "He hit a tree and broke his neck."
"You're not making any sense." I squeezed his hands tightly, but I really wanted to hug him. "Who hit a tree?"
As the question slipped out of my mouth, I realized something. Why would he come to me if it was a random person? I know Lincoln had similar experiences before, he saw death up close, but it never threw him off like this, so why now?
"Lincoln?" There was concern in my voice.
"I'm so sorry, Lexi." He shook his head, tears streaming down his cheeks.
The fact that he didn't say a name scared me even more. Why doesn't he want to say it?
"He was on his bike..." His voice trailed off and all I heard after that was the name. A name I didn't want to hear. "Jeremy..." His mouth continued to move, but I didn't hear any words.
"No." I shook my head and let go of his hands. "No." I backed away from him. "He's okay, right? Jeremy's okay."
"Lexi..."
"He's in the hospital and they're helping him, aren't they?" Please say yes.
"He was going too fast and..."
"They're helping him, aren't they?" I said harder, my breath hitching in my chest. "He'll be fine, won't he?"
Just one word, I wanted to hear just one word. Yes.
"Lincoln say that..." My eyes filled with tears and it was almost impossible to see anything. "Where's Jeremy? Lincoln where's Jeremy?" I raised my voice because I wasn't sure he could hear me.
"Lexi..." I heard Finn's voice but ignored it.
"No." I sobbed. "It's not true." I hugged myself trying to find some comfort. "He's fine." I walked towards the door. "He's fine." I repeated before quickly putting on my shoes.
"Lexi, wait." I don't even know which of them tried to stop me. "Where are you going?"
"To see Jeremy." I brushed my hair away from my face and wiped away my tears before quickly walking down the hall.
Everything was in a fog. I don't know if I went to the hospital on foot, by car or by bus.
The next thing I remember is the hospital door. I went in and stopped at the reception.
My heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to jump out of my ears. I was just about to say the nurse a name to tell me which room my best friend is in, but I stopped.
I noticed people, some sitting, some standing not so far from me.
"Miss? Can I help you with something?" The nurse behind the counter spoke up, but I ignored her. "Miss?"
I took a step back when I noticed two faces standing out to me the most. Jeremy's parents.
His father held his wife tightly, who was crying and sobbing uncontrollably. Her eyes were so red that she looked as if she had been crying for hours.
"Lexi." I heard a voice behind me and a touch on my arm. I slowly turned my head to Lincoln.
In the back of my mind, I expected that if I looked at him, everything would be fine.
But the only thing I found in his eyes was sadness.
"He's gone, Lexi."
With those words, my whole world shattered into a million pieces.
I fell to the ground, tears pouring from my eyes, loud sobs coming from my mouth, the sound of a cracking heart in my ears.
I felt as if the walls around me began to narrow in an attempt to trap me between them, and it worked. I felt trapped, unable to move.
I heard voices, at least four, but the only words I kept hearing were "he's gone".
And no matter how hard I tried to wake up from this nightmare, I couldn't.
Why can't I wake up?
Please let me wake up.
Please.
Good news and bad news.
Bad news, chapter releases are going to be a bit messy in the following months. They will not be released regularly like now. For one or two weeks there might not be any chapter at all or maybe more than one chapter will be released in a day. It will all depend on how I'll be able to manage my time.
Good news, you will have some time to recover from Jeremy's death, and trust me, it will get worse. ;)