I've seen death.
I looked into its eyes several times. And one thing I know about it?
Death is a bitch.
It takes people who don't deserve it and lets live those who have no place on earth.
I looked at Lexi who hadn't moved from the couch for hours, staring at nothing. She didn't make a single sound, and I was afraid that if I said something, it would only hurt her more.
After I got her out of the hospital, I tried to help her. But how? There is nothing I can do really. And if there was something, if I could trade places with Jeremy, I would.
When I opened the door that evening, I didn't expect Lincoln to be standing behind it. I didn't know what it was, but from one look at him, I knew something was wrong. However, I did not expect what happened next.
With tea, which I know won't help much now, I sat down on the couch next to her and put it on the table. I didn't know if I could hug her. I was afraid that she would fall apart in my arm, and then what? How could I fix that?
She slowly began to move, still without a word, and lowered her head onto my lap. She closed her eyes with a soft sob and it broke my heart to hear it.
She fell asleep in a few hours, probably from exhaustion. I didn't move an inch so I wouldn't accidentally wake her up. However, I didn't close my eyes, I just held her, hoping that we would get through this.
I remember her saying that she couldn't lose anyone else.
And since that happened, what happens now?
It wasn't a nightmare and that means I woke up this morning to a world without Jeremy.
Why can't I believe it? Why am I still waiting for him to walk through the front door with a smile and a good morning?
"I made breakfast." I heard Finn as I was coming back from the bathroom.
"I'm not hungry, but thanks."
"Lexi, you need to eat something. Please."
"I'm not hungry," I repeated and continued walking towards the front door.
"Where are you going?"
"I have to see the guys." I put on my sneakers.
"I'll take you." He set down the plates in his hand.
"No, thanks." I opened the door.
"Lexi..."
"I'm okay." I lied and left his apartment.
"Lexi, wait please." He shouted behind me and I heard his footsteps.
I was almost at the elevator when I felt his hand on my wrist and he stopped me.
"Lexi, please. Let me help you." I slowly looked up at him, but when I saw his face? I saw Jeremy.
"I can't do this right now." I broke away from his hand and instead of waiting for the elevator I started running down the stairs.
And I didn't stop running. I ran out of the building and continued at the same pace to the twins' apartment. A small part of me hoped that if I got there they would tell me it was all just a bad joke.
However, when I got there, when I was standing in front of their door, I was unable to raise my hand and knock. I wasn't ready to lose that tiny bit of hope in me.
And so I ran away.
I didn't know where I was going. I just wanted to be away from everything.
I spent the whole day on one of the benches in the park. People looked at me like I was crazy when I started crying sometimes, but I didn't care. Because while they were walking around me, looking at me strangely, I was slowly losing pieces of myself. And no matter how much I wanted to drop to the ground and pick them up, I couldn't.
*****
"Oh my God." I heard Finn as soon as I got back. "Where have you been? I called the guys but they said you were never with them?" He got up from the couch and ran to me, hugging me. But he was the only one. "Where have you been? Why didn't you let anyone know..."
"I needed to be alone. I'm going to take a shower." I pulled away from him, even though he didn't want to let go of me right away, and slipped past him into the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
I took off my sweatshirt and threw it on the ground. I stood in front of the mirror, put my hands on the sink and looked up at my reflection. My eyes were red and swollen, my skin whiter than ever, and I looked exhausted.
I hated the person I saw in the reflection. Not because of the outside, but because of what was inside.
And there was no escaping that.
*****
Even after three days, I didn't see anyone, I didn't leave the apartment, and when someone came, I asked Finn not to let them in.
We were both quiet. I didn't want to talk and Finn didn't push me to. However, I could see in him that it would not last forever.
I looked at the long-sleeved black dress that was spread out on the bed and was unable to touch it again, let alone put it on.
Three days flew by in the blink of an eye, maybe because I was losing track of time completely, and it was time for the funeral. I wasn't ready for it, but probably no one has ever been.
I looked at my phone, which hadn't stopped ringing since morning.
I reached for it when Finn overtook me. He turned it off from the side and turned it over to the bed with the screen. "We don't have to go if you don't feel like it." I looked up at him and noticed that he was already dressed in a suit.
"If I don't feel like it?" I snorted. "Lately I don't feel like breathing."
"Please don't say that." He said with pain in his voice.
"Sorry." I almost whispered.
"Sunny is fed, he won't need anything until later at night. We can leave when you're ready." I nodded and reluctantly picked up my dress and went to the bathroom to change.
I put my hair in a low bun and secured the front pieces with bobby pins so they wouldn't fall in my face. I tried to cover my dark circles as much as possible, but not everything is easy to cover.
A few minutes later I came out of the bathroom, ready to leave. At least that's what I told myself.
The drive there was quiet, and even when we arrived in front of the church, we didn't move from the car. I wasn't ready to see all those people, especially Jeremy's parents.
"If you want to leave, anytime, we will. Just say so, okay?"
I slowly nodded and got out of the car. In front of the church, which was made of painted white wood, there were a lot of people in smaller groups. There were children, adults and old people.
Jeremy's parents were standing by the steps that led to the church. I wasn't sure if I would be able to talk to them today.
Finn walked past the car and stopped next to me. That's when I noticed a larger circle full of people, which included almost the entire group we were camping with.
Everyone slowly started moving into the church, me and Finn among the last. I wanted to sit as far as possible from the coffin, which was open. I wouldn't be able to look at him.
After a while, the ceremony began. It was really beautiful. The priest said some wonderful words, but something in me still couldn't accept that he was talking about Jeremy. About my Jeremy.
I held myself together during the entire ceremony, I didn't cry, but when the coffin was taken and all the people moved from the church to the cemetery, I knew that sooner or later it would happen.
We arrived again among the last, so there were no more chairs left for us. We stood back behind all the chairs, away from the hole in the ground and the coffin that was being prepared for burial. Behind the coffin was a small wooden counter where a priest stood, praying again for Jeremy's soul.
At the end, he said that if anyone else wanted to say something, they could. I didn't expect Lincoln to stand up and replace the priest's place.
"Everyone," he bowed his head, "I was asked to say a few words. And I have it written because I didn't want to forget anything." He took a piece of paper out of his pocket with shaky hands and looked at the people in front of him. His pained gaze rested on me and for a moment he seemed pleased to see me. "Jeremy was..." He swallowed hard. "Well, if you knew him, you know what kind of person he was. He was a good guy and a good friend."
Tears welled up in my eyes and no matter how hard I tried to push them away, it wasn't enough.
I wanted to run away. Turn around and get out of here.
But Finn's hand stopped me. He intertwined his fingers with me, and that was the only thing holding me together now.
"I'd like to say that..." I heard his voice in the background before my gaze fell from him to the wooden coffin. I couldn't take my eyes off it.
No matter how wonderful a speech Lincoln had prepared, I couldn't focus on it. I was unable to concentrate on anything.
From that moment I stopped perceiving everything.
Jacket in hand, I opened the door and let Lexi in. I closed them again and stood in front of them.
"You should eat something."
Lexi is in a bad shape. She only sleeps when she is completely exhausted, hardly speaks, and barely eats. I tried to help her, but I didn't know what else to try. I hate that I can't do anything to help her.
"I'm not hungry, but thanks." She said the same thing she's been saying to me for three days. "I need to get out of this." She pointed to her dress and started walking to the bathroom, Sunny at her heels.
I wanted to say something else, but it would be in vain. Lately, she can't hear me at all, some days she can't even look at me. How can I help her if she won't let me?
I was looking at the closed bathroom door when the phone in my pocket rang. The moment I picked it up and noticed the name Val, I heard a loud noise from the bathroom.
I threw my cell phone on the table, dropped my jacket on the floor and ran to the bathroom. I opened the door to find Lexi on the floor, leaning against the glass of the shower, tears streaming down her cheeks. Everything that was on the shelf next to the sink was under my feet.
Sunny ran as fast as he could as soon as I opened the door, scared shitless.
"Lexi..." I dropped to my knees next to her and checked her for any injuries. "Are you okay?" I cupped her face in my hands to make her look at me, but for some reason, I had the feeling that she couldn't see me, that she was looking right through me. "Lexi, hey..."
"I don't know what to do." She blinked and tears rolled down her cheeks. "I need Jeremy."
"Hey..." I hugged her tightly. "I know." I whispered into her hair. "I know." I breathed heavily.
I held her as tears streamed down her cheeks, unable to help her in any way, and it was destroying me inside.
I let her change her clothes and then went to clean up the mess on the floor. Lexi was lucky she didn't hurt herself because there was a lot of glass from broken perfumes on the floor.
With broken glass, which I wrapped in a towel so as not to cut myself, I returned to the connected part of the apartment. Lexi was sitting on the couch, knees close to her chest while her back was turned to me.
I didn't know how long it would take for these wounds to heal at least a little. Things will never go back to normal, but at least when she starts eating it will be progress.
I know she is grieving, everyone who knew Jeremy is grieving. And me? I was so focused on how Lexi was feeling that I didn't have time for my own grief.
I didn't know him like everyone else, but still. He was also my friend and a good person.
While I was throwing away the glass, Lexi got off the couch and went to bed without a word, looking like a body without a soul. I would give anything to see her smile again. Anything.
*****
She finally fell asleep.
I'd rather have her eat something, but still. For a moment, I don't have to watch the woman I love suffer. Is that selfish?
I pulled the blanket she had draped around her a little higher and turned off the small lamp on the bedside table.
When I heard a knock on the door, I thought I was going to kill someone.
Before that someone knocked again, I ran to the door and opened it, leaving one hand on it.
"Shit Finn, you look terrible," Zack spoke up a little louder than I liked.
"Quiet," I warned him. "Lexi is sleeping. What do you need?"
"Oh, actually, I came to ask you the same thing. When was the last time you slept?"
What is today Saturday? Sunday?
I think that says it all.
"I'm okay." I'd like to say it's not a lie, but I can't. I would love to sleep, but what if I slept so hard that I wouldn't wake up if Lexi needed me?
"Come on Finn." He looked at me in disbelief. "I can stay with her if you want. You can go lie down at my place and..."
"Thanks, but I'm fine." I repeated. There's no way I'm leaving her now.
He exhaled heavily, hanging his head in defeat. "Fine. If you change your mind, just let me know."
"Sure, night."
"Good night Finn."
I only slept three hours that night. I wouldn't have minded a few months ago, but now? When I got used to sleeping next to Lexi for hours without any problem? It was kind of destroying me.
But I didn't care as much as I should have.
I don't know if that's good or not.