"Yes, Val, I know." I heard Finn as I was coming out of the bathroom. "Sorry...Of course...Just a little tired...No, no, you don't have to."
I stopped in the doorway and from there I saw him sitting on the couch, supporting his head with one hand while holding his cell phone with the other. He looked tired.
"I appreciate it, but you have your responsibilities...I know. I promise I won't fall back into...Yes, I know I've made a lot of progress, but you've got nothing to worr...Val come on." He breathed heavily. "Fine. I have to go, thanks for calling. Me too." He almost whispered and put his phone on the table. He ran both hands into his hair and sat there for a moment just looking at it.
Yesterday I listened to a similar converstaion, but with Zack. It looks like everyone can see that Finn is definitely not doing so well and for some reason, I don't blame Jeremy's death but me.
You are not only destroying yourself but obviously him as well.
I swallowed the stone in my throat. "Finn?" He immediately looked up at me.
"Yeah?" He ran a hand through his messy hair and adjusted himself a bit.
"Um..." Let him go. "I..." I shook my head. "Nevermind." I moved from my place and went to sit on the bed.
You're ruining both of your lives. Let him go.
I tried not to listen to the voice in my head, but it would be easier if it wasn't so loud.
Let him go.
*****
I knew it was a bad idea. However, when I picked up my phone and started scrolling through the gallery, it was already too late.
The photos flooded my phone screen and I wished I could go back to the moment they were taken.
The moment I saw a picture of just me and Jeremy, I threw my phone to the other side of the bed.
How can this be the reality?
"Lincoln." I heard Finn from the door, not noticing if someone was knocking or ringing the doorbell. "What are you doing here?"
"Is Lexi here?" I was glad to hear his voice, but I didn't dare to get up from the bed and face him.
Finn exhaled heavily. "Look..."
"Just..." He cut him off. "Just tell her we're having our own kind of funeral for Jeremy tonight."
"Own kind of funeral?"
"Yeah. Just me, the twins, Luca and hopefully Lexi too. We want to meet at the cemetery at seven. So would you tell her..." He cleared his throat.
"Of course."
"Thanks. See ya." I heard the door close and then footsteps heading in my direction.
"Did you hear him?" He stopped at the closet, at the border of the invisible wall that divided the living room and the bedroom.
"Yes." I said quietly.
"You going?"
"I'm not sure."
"Look Lexi, I get it..."
"Don't" I interrupted him. "Don't say you get how I feel. You don't know how I feel."
"Those guys need you as much as you need them. Why can't you see that?"
"I don't want to talk about this." I pushed back the covers and tried to slip past him but failed. He grabbed my arm before I could.
"I get it. But they're your friends. Family."
"You don't get it, Finn." I looked up at him. "How could you? You don't know what Jeremy meant to me." My voice was on the verge of shaking. "He was the person who drove away all bad things with one smile and a few words. He was my person." I dug my finger into my chest. "My best friend. You say you get me, but do you? Do you get that I love him, but I'll never be able to tell him? Or hear it back? I'll never hear his voice again, and sooner or later I'll forget how it sounded." A tear slipped down my cheek. "I need him. Him, no one else, because no one...no one can take his place." I said with a hoarse voice.
"I'm sorry." He let go of my hand, guilt on his face. "I didn't mean..." He lowered his head. "I'm sorry."
"No, Finn." I took out the key to his apartment that he had given me from the back pocket of my pants, grabbed his hand and placed it in his palm. "I am."
But what I didn't regret was that I was giving him a chance to live. To live the life he deserves without me ruining it.
Confused, I looked at the small metal in my palm.
It was a key. Spare key to my apartment that I gave her a few days ago.
"Lexi, what the..." My throat tightened and it was hard to speak. "What are you doing?" I looked up at her, looking for some answers on her face.
"I'm sorry Finn." She said with tears in her eyes.
"Lexi, I don't understand what..." I clenched the key in my hand. "Why would you..."
"I need space."
"Lexi, don't do it. Please." I begged her. "I understand you're in a vulnerable place right now, but please don't push me away. Not now."
She opened her mouth, took a deep breath, but no words came out. She pursed her lips in a thin line to make them look less trembling and started walking towards the door.
I knew one thing at that moment, I wasn't going to let her go without talking to her properly. I haven't pushed her for days, but now she will have to.
"Wait." I was faster than her, so I caught her just before she opened the door. "Stop." I grabbed her hand and turned her to face me. "Lexi..." I cupped her face in my hands and looked between her eyes. "What are you doing?" She didn't say anything. "Sunshine, please don't do this. Don't leave me."
I was overwhelmed with my emotions, so I couldn't read hers. For the first time, I didn't know what she was thinking and I was terrified.
"Just say something. Tell me how to fix it, tell me what to do and I'll do it." I said desperately. "Please." I would beg on my knees if she wanted. Without hesitation, I would sink to the ground, and give her everything she wanted, if it meant she wouldn't leave.
I can't lose her. Not like this.
"Let me go." She said quietly.
"No. Something else, anything else."
I never wanted to let her go. I couldn't let her out of my life. I thought she felt the same way, so why is she trying to leave me?
"Lexi I lo..."
"Don't say it." She cut me off before I could finish my sentence. "Don't say it. Please."
One word. One word that stopped me from saying anything.
She begged me with her look to let her go and I had no choice.
I let go of her face.
Anything...she could say anything and I wouldn't let her go without fighting for us. Anything but that one word.
She took a step back and opened the door. She hesitated for a moment, but took another step out of the apartment and disappeared from my sight.
I stood there, in the middle of the room, and looked at my palm. Even though she gave me back a key, she actually gave me back my heart. In my palm, I held my heart, which I gave her but she gave it back.
One scary question remained in my head, but I didn't want to hear the answer because I think it would destroy me.
Did I just lose her?
It was a good decision. Said the voice in my head.
I hoped it was right because if not, I don't know what would have happened to me.
And if it was a good decision, why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest?
At some point I started running. Lately, I've been doing nothing but running away from things. I would love to be able to really run away from everything, but that's not possible. Not with my mind.
I didn't know why and I didn't know where I was running to. But for some reason my feet took me to the place I once called home.
Tears streaming down my face, I ran out onto the terrace and knocked. I didn't know what I was waiting for. What I was hoping for. I guess I just wanted my room back. The room in which I have always endured everything until now.
The door opened wide and my gaze landed on my father. For a moment he looked surprised, but when he saw my face, there was concern in his.
"Jeremy..."
"I know." He cut me off.
"I don't know why I'm here." I shook my head. "Sorry."
"Don't be." He reached out to me, and to my surprise hugged me, despite his broken arm.
Until it happened, I didn't even know how much I needed a hug from him.
"I'm sorry about what happened to your friend." I sobbed uncontrollably into his T-shirt, which surprisingly didn't smell of sweat or alcohol. "Come on, let's go inside." He pulled away from me and took a step back so I could get inside.
"Can I...can I go to my room?" I stopped at the stairs and turned to him.
"Of course you can." He gave me a small smile. "I'm leaving for work in a moment, but if you need anything, call me."
I've been wanting to hear those words for years, and when he finally said it, it was so much better than I could have ever imagined.
"Thank you." I started walking up the stairs, but his voice stopped me again.
"Lexi." I looked at him. "I'm sorry."
For some reason, I got the feeling he wasn't talking about Jeremy right now.
*****
I hoped that I would find comfort in my room, but unfortunately, it didn't happen. It was cold and empty.
I tried to sleep, but I couldn't close my eyes.
I tried to read something, but the sentences on the pages made no sense.
I tried anything that would allow me to leave this world for a while, but it was impossible.
A knock on the door pulled me out of my thoughts.
"Come in."
"You're still awake." Father was standing in the doorway, probably coming from work.
"It's just..." I looked at the clock next to the bed. "Almost seven."
We want to meet at the cemetery at seven. Lincoln's voice echoed in my head.
"Something wrong?"
"Oh no, it's just..." I looked at him and then back at the clock. "The guys wanted to meet and have..." I cleared my throat. "One last night for Jeremy I guess."
"Oh, so when are you leaving?"
"I'm not going." I shook my head.
"Why?" He frowned confused.
"I don't know, it's just..." I guess I'm not ready to say goodbye. "I don't know."
"I'd like to give you some advice, but I don't know what. But, uhm, I think you'll regret it if you don't go." He walked into my room and placed the house keys at the foot of the bed. "If you change your mind and go. I'm tired so I'm going to sleep, good night." He smiled.
"Night."
I looked at the back of my departing father and wondered if aliens had abducted him and switched him, because the man who was just walking out of my room looked like my father, but he sure didn't act like it. Did I miss something?
After he closed the door behind me, I turned my back to the clock and faced the wall.
I let out a frustrated breath and pulled back the blanket. I took the book I had next to the bed and continued where I left off.
I read the words on the pages, but I didn't really read them.
"Really?" I put the book back on the table. "Get yourself together." I ran my hands through my hair. "Come on. Ugh." I wanted to scream or hit something.
I just wanted to get everything out of myself.
I think that's why I got up, grabbed my sweatshirt and my house keys, and headed to the cemetery. The moment I left the room, I noticed the time. 19:15
I might not even catch them there.
But that didn't stop me from going.
*****
My arms were wrapped around me as I walked past the graves, heading for the one that belonged to my best friend.
Without chairs and a crowd of people, Jeremy's grave looked empty. I know there were flowers and hundreds of candles, but still.
Four people were sitting right next to the tombstone. They had blankets spread on the ground while they had soft artificial lighting and light from the candles around them.
I stopped a few feet from them, under a tree.
I can still leave. They didn't notice me.
Maybe they are already planning to leave, I don't know what time it is, but the journey here took me longer than it normally should have.
I took a step back, but it felt like someone squeezed my heart hard at that moment. As if it wanted to tell me that this was a bad decision.
"If I should join them, give me a sign." I whispered, waiting for an answer. It was stupid, I know, but I still tried.
Nothing. Dead silence.
"Thought so." I took another step back, ready to leave.
That's when I heard it.
Owl.
I looked up at the tree above me and there she was. She was sitting on one of the branches and was looking directly at me.
"Will you shit on me if I don't go?" I asked her as if she could answer me.
She turned her head to the side, her chest heaving quickly, and hooted again.
"Fine. Fine." I rolled my eyes and took an uncertain step toward the guys.
I was only a few tiny steps away from them when they noticed me. Stefan being first. "Lexi."
Everyone immediately turned in my direction. "Hi." I didn't know what else to say.
"You came." Lincoln smiled.
"I know I'm late, but..."
"We haven't started yet." Adrian interrupted me.
"What?" I frowned. "But Lincoln said at seven."
"We wouldn't have started without you." Lincoln shifted. "Come sit down. Some things need to be said today." I walked over to them and sat between him and Luca while the twins sat to our right.
"Great." Luca muttered under his breath, which made us all laugh.
"Hey." Lincoln nudged me and grabbed my hand. "I'm glad you came."
I think I am too.
I have my first Maturita tests next week and instead of actually studying for them I writing books𥲠that's gonna bite me in the ass...