I didn't get out of my room all day. Correction, I didn't get out of bed all day.
I guess I was hoping that if I lay down long enough, maybe all the bad things that happened would simply disappear.
I felt exhausted. I don't even know if mentally or physically.
It was getting dark when I heard a soft knock on my door and Lincoln's voice. "Lexi?"
I pushed back the covers and fixed my hair before telling him to come inside.
"Hey." He smiled and I tried to do the same, even though smiling is the last thing I want to do today. "I brought your things." He placed my travel bags at the foot of the bed and straightened up. "Your phone and wallet." He took both out of the back pockets of his jeans and handed them to me.
"Thank you." I took my things and put them on the bed.
"How are you holding up?"
"I'm fine." Liar.
I wanted to ask about Finn. Who am I lying to, I wanted to call him and hear his voice in person. I wanted to hear from him that he was okay, that he was better off without me, and that I had made a good decision.
"Can I sit down?" He looked at me hesitantly.
"Sure." I shifted a little on the bed, despite the fact that I would prefer to be alone.
"Look Lexi, I know it's none of my business but..." He breathed out heavily. "You and Finn..."
"I don't want to talk about it." I said before he said anything else.
"I get it, but..."
"Can you all stop saying you get me?" I accidentally raised my voice at him, but I couldn't stop myself.
If everyone really got me, they would leave me alone now. I need space and time.
Isn't it dangerous? Especially with what's on your mind?
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..." He stopped. "I'm sorry, Lexi."
"No, I..." I lowered my head. "I'm just tired." Of life.
"Of course. Look," he grabbed my hand and I looked up at him, "if there's anything I can do, just text or call me. I'll be right there if you need me." He smiled.
It's nice that he cares, even though he has a lot too. But I don't plan to ask him for help, he has his own problems.
"Thank you." The corner of my mouth turned up.
"I'll let you get a good night's sleep. I'll see you soon, okay?" I nodded slowly and Lincoln leaned in, planting a quick kiss on my forehead before standing up and walking to the door. "I know you might not want to hear this, but Finn is miserable. You said it's better this way, but I honestly don't see how that helped him or you."
That's exactly what I didn't want to hear.
"See you later Lexi." He gave me a small smile before closing the door behind him and leaving.
I don't know if it was Lincoln's words or everything else that was going on, but that night I ended up sitting in the shower, cold water running down my body as I watched the blood go down the drain.
I realized that I could hurt myself all night, trying to stop the pain, but I would not find peace of mind.
In order to achieve complete peace, I only need to do one thing, just press a little harder and all worries would disappear. Well, at least I think they would.
My head is a mess. And I look even worse on the outside.
It's been a week since Lexi left. She hasn't responded to any of my messages and Lincoln and the others won't tell me anything about her. I guess she told them that, I really don't know.
I don't know anything these days. I don't know where she is, how she is, or why she doesn't call or text back. It's eating me up from the inside and I don't know how long I can stand it.
I tried to catch her at work but was told that she had not shown up for work for the past week. I even visited the hospital, the corridor where her mother was, but no one saw her there either. It was as if she had just disappeared.
It made me unstable, and by that I mean I lashed out at anyone who showed up outside my apartment door. Mostly it was Zack. More than once I slammed the door right in his face. He didn't deserve it, he was just trying to help me, but the only person who could really help me doesn't even want to hear from me.
My gaze fell on the screen of the phone, which lit up the name Killian. I let it ring for about the hundredth time until it canceled itself.
I picked up my phone and went to messages, opening a conversation with Lexi, somewhat hoping that she would reply.
Read.
I didn't care for a second how desperate I sounded.
I let out a disappointed breath and put my phone next to me on the bed.
How can she destroy me like this? How can she destroy me when she doesn't even answer me?
I rested my elbows on my knees and bowed my head, running my fingers through my hair. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to think of what else I could have done. What else could I do for her to stay?
Not letting her go.
My own thoughts began to frustrate me, as I mentioned, everything was pissing me off.
Slowly, everything that Lexi taught me to feel, everything that she changed about me, started to disappear. I knew it wasn't healthy to be so attached to her, but there was nothing I could do about it, I couldn't control how I felt about her.
My chest started heaving faster and faster, my hands in my hair were shaking, and my vision was starting to blur. I started sobbing.
I slid down from the bed and fell to the ground, tears slowly running down my face.
Everything in this apartment reminded me of her. I could still smell her scent on the covers, her presence in the kitchen, the empty seat next to me on the couch. Everything I looked at reminded me of her and it was killing me. It was killing me because I knew in the back of my mind that she wasn't coming back.
I heard a soft meow next to me and Sunny tried to get to my lap.
"Get lost." I pushed him away from me. Even that shitty cat reminds me of her.
Sunny looked at me confused, turned his head to the side, and tried to climb into my lap again.
"Fuck off." I wiped my nose and pushed him away again, hoping he would stop what he was doing. "I said get lost!" I raised my voice at him as he approached me for the third time. "Stupid fucking cat." Sadness turned to anger in the blink of an eye and I took him in my hands and started walking away from the apartment.
I went down the elevator with him while he was quiet the whole time. I walked out in front of the building where my apartment was located and put him on the ground.
"You survived in the wild, it won't be more difficult here. Someone will take you." I turned to go back into the building but he tried to follow me. "Leave me alone." I nudged him with my foot. "Find someone else to annoy." I swung the door open and closed it behind me before he could slip through.
I gave him one last look before turning my back and leaving him standing in the middle of the sidewalk as people walked past him, paying him no attention at all.
I didn't know what it was like to be at rock bottom until I was sitting in the shower trying not to pass out.
Or maybe I wanted to pass out. I don't remember anymore.
I clumsily stood up, grabbing the wall, even though it wasn't much of a support. I walked over to the sink, not before almost tripping over my own feet three times. It's not my fault that the whole room is spinning.
I reached for the cabinet and opened it. I took out a small box of painkillers that had been prescribed for my dad when he broke his arm. I dumped two into my palm and put the others back in their place.
I threw the pills into my mouth, bent down to the sink, turned on the water and took a drink to swallow it without any unnecessary problems.
Pulling away from the tap, I wiped the excess water around my mouth with the back of my hand.
I then took out the bandages from the cabinet and tied them around my left wrist.
When I was done, I looked up at the mirror and honestly wondered who was the person looking back at me.
She looks tired and devastated. Her hair is a mess, she has huge dark circles under her eyes that barely stay open, which stand out against her pale skin, and she looks a few pounds thinner than she did a week ago.
I ran the cold fingers of my left hand over my collarbones.
Good news. Not only do I hate my inside but my outside as well now.
I staggered out of the bathroom, grabbing everything around me so I wouldn't fall. I think I lost a little more blood than is healthy.
For some reason, I wanted to laugh at the thought. I don't know why.
I threw myself down on my bed in the room, hitting the mattress and pillows with my head.
I had the feeling that the moment I touched the bed I fell asleep. Or I passed out. It's the same right? Yeah, I think so.
*****
"Lexi." I heard a voice calling my name. I couldn't tell who it belonged to, but he sounded like an angel. "Lexi, wake up!" Has an earthquake started? Because I swear everything is shaking. "Shit, Lexi."
"Mmm." I tried to open my eyes, but it was a little harder than normal. I think I said something, but I'm not sure what, or if it meant anything.
When I finally focused on the person shaking with me, so good news it wasn't an earthquake, I found out it was Stefan.
He wasn't far from an angel, so I was basically right.
"Stefan?" I frowned. "What are you doing here?"
"What am I...Lexi, are you crazy?" Bad angel, I thought. "I've been trying to wake you up for five minutes, I was planning on calling an ambulance."
"I'm fine." I supported myself with my hands so that I could sit up. "God, why is it so hot in here?" I ran my hands over my face, still sleepy and feeling dizzy. Maybe I shouldn't have taken two of those pills.
"Oh yes, sure." He snorted, sarcasm pouring from his mouth. "Lexi, what the..." He pulled my left hand away from my face and looked at the bandage, which was covered in blood. It looks like I tied it poorly. Oops.
"It's okay." I pulled my hand out of his. "Why are you here?" I asked as if nothing had happened while Stefan looked at me like I was out of my mind.
"Lexi..." He kept looking at me like I had two heads. "Why..." He shook his head in confusion. "What are you doing?"
I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and stood up. "Will you tell me why you are here? I have some things that need my attention." That's an obvious lie, but he might not notice.
For the last week, I've been doing my best to avoid food, human contact, and stupid questions.
"Are you serious?" He raised an eyebrow. "You're out of your mind." He snorted and took a step back, slightly taken aback. "Oh God." He ran his hands through his hair. "This is not happening." He shook his head. "None of this is happening. First Adrian, then Lincoln, and now you."
"What are you talking about?" I frowned. "What happened to Adrian and Lincoln?" And why didn't anyone tell me anything? Or did they tell me and I forgot? Or did I not notice a message?
"We didn't want to...I didn't want to burden you with things." He ran his hands over his face. "I just came from the police station, where until now Adrian was detained. He beat up one of the clients in the bar. Lincoln barely shows up at the hospital and in a little while he has his final exams, which by the way he's not studying for, because he's completely out of it. And you..." He pointed at me with his hand and shook his head with a disappointed look. "Everything is falling apart and I don't know how to fix it."
Well shit.
Oh, Lexi, what are you doing? Your friends need you and you're wallowing in self-pity.
"Then I'll help you fix it." I moved from the place, took the sweatshirt that I had thrown by the window and put it on. "Let's go." I started walking towards the door of my room.
"What? Where are we going?" It took him a while to come to his senses.
"Adrian and then Lincoln," I said as I walked down the stairs. I crouched down by the door to put on my shoes. "How is Luca?"
"He doesn't say much, but I talked to Zack and he said he's doing fine so far."
"That's good." I straightened up. "And you?"
"I'm holding on." He smiled. "I have Destiny."
"Remind me I owe her for that." I smiled and walked out of the house, Stefan at my heels.
What about you, sunshine? Will you tell someone what's going on with you?
No, because my friends need me.
So once again, you're in last place, huh? It will destroy you.
The worst thing was that I knew it, but I still didn't do anything to avoid it. I couldn't bring myself to care.