A/N: This is done in Alice's POV, as a first person chapter. I will try to delienate her internal thoughts by making them italics. The rest will be regular text like this.
______________________________________________________________________________________
Monster strained on his leash, nearly pulling me down the street as the no-longer small puppy wanted to go investigate. It was always amusing to see him like this, yappy and friendly. Because as soon as anyone came near me, Monster reverted to his quiet, sentinel like stare, making sure no threat came near me. Considering how threatening my life has been.....no that's not what I need to focus on. I reminded myself. The hospital therapist had suggested I try to derail the thoughts that usually led to a panic attack.
I could feel the muscles in my stomach quake, but I managed to take a few deep breaths and calm down. Stuart is dead. That fact was the beacon of my sanity, the only reason the panic attacks and nightmares had any hope of ending. Malcolm had killed the sick son of a b****. Although that had opened it's own can of worms.
Malcolm and West had come to resuce me, and people wanted to know why my teacher had been the one to fight off and kill my attacker, they were suspicious as to why I had called for him. Our saving grace, as always it seemed, was West. He lied and told everyone I was his girlfriend, and that I had seen them together and had called for both men. The rest we just tweaked the details of the attack so people believed the lies. It all made me sick. Knowing that we had to lie, that they had been hurt for me. It all added to the guilt I carried and weighed me down.
Speaking of weight.... that's why I was walking down the street. It was hot enough out that winter jackets had been discarded, skin exposed for the sun to kiss. I had big sunglasses and a ball cap stuffed on my head to try and hide the stitches, but people kept giving me that look. You know the one. THAT one, where you can see the wheels in their heads turning, trying to come up with a scenario that would explain the injuries and fit their world view. God I'm sick of people looking at me like that.
I stared down at my feet, only just realizing that I'd put on two different shoes. One was a red converse, one was blue. Maybe I did deserve a few odd looks. Monster didn't care, he just tugged me along, ever closer to the shop at the end of the street. See, I had a theory bouncing around the back of my mind, and I needed to test it. No way... it's not.. .no. I'm out of my mind for even thinking it....but what if... No.
I tied Monster up to the bike post outside and left a frisbee upside down with water for him, incase I was in there longer than expected. Some people just tie their animals up and leave them for hours, but I'm not that cruel. If it was hot enough for me to want to go dunk in a pool, it had to be worse for Monster, he has a permanent fur coat.
Stepping inside the Shopper's Drugmart, I grabbed a basket and wandered down the aisles, taking my time. I knew what I'd come here for, but there was no way I just rushed over and grabbed it. You're an idiot. There is no way.... but....no.....what if? My mind babbled as I stared blankley at the hair dye, building up my courage to grab what I'd really come here for.
I tossed a stick of deoderant into my basket, some packs of gum. As always when I came out here I picked up dog treats and a toy that squeaked. Monster had gotten into the adorable and deplorable habit of biting the ends off his toys to get at the squeaker. He loved chasing them, but the noise seemed to disturb him and he inevitably tore the toy to pieces. Which is why I never spent more than $5 on them.
Eventually I managed to 'sneak' my item of interest into the basket and walked to the front, grateful that the sun glasses ensured no eyecontact. The clerk didn't even bat an eyelash scanning it through and I felt like an idiot for thinking people would stare at me and mock. With a self-mocking scoff I grabbed my bag and went to retrieve my dog. You are so lame. So very amusingly dim. I mocked, the self taunting actually kept me from freaking out about being so exposed outside. I had done it, I had walked to the store without someone there with me and I HADN'T gone into a panic attack! All it took was self-distraction and Monster. Speaking of.... I unwrapped the squeaky toy and tossed it inside, letting the scarred puppy chase after it, h*** bent on squeaker destruction. Salali laughed at him, and let me have the privacy of not asking what was in the bag.
I walked to my room and put all but one item away. That one I needed. So I slipped into the bathroom and got the bathtub started, calling out to Salali that I'd be a while, bubbles were involved. I hated having to lie to her like that, but I really, really needed a few minutes to test my theory out. You're wrong. You know you're wrong. This is so stupid.... You're gonig to laugh about this in a few minutes. The litany went through my head, but I ignored it. If Iwas wrong, no harm done. But if I was right....
Panic and a thrill of excitement clenched my stomach at the thought. What if I was right? I had no clue what I'd do, but I was wrong anyways.... I unwrapped my purchase and followed the instructions. While I needed a distraction, I cleaned the bathtub. What? When I get nervous I clean. Or I swear and since I was trying to be ninja stealthy right now, cleaning was quieter. The alarm on my phone chimed softly, making me drop my sponge and jump at the d*** thing to shut it the h*** up. Ok, maybe today is a cure AND clean day. Bad sign, really bad sign. Ace.... you're talking to yourself INSIDE your own head. Just check the d*** thing and QUIT STALLING! I opened my eyes and looked. Then I sat down hard and said a very dirty word.
"I'm pregnant." my voice was soft, disbelieving. I stared down at the little stick in my hand, for a moment feeling nothing. Not happiness, not sadness, not even the ever lingering fear and panic touched me. I was pregnant. My hand started to shake as I held that stupid tester and stared at it. According to this lovely bit of technology, I was about two and a half months along. Holy s***. I was pregant during the Gala. Stuart not only almost killed me but the unborn baby inside me.
That particular though spurred me to lean over the toilet and empty out the food I'd eaten thus far. I flushed the toilet and stared down at the swirling water, trying to decide just how I felt about this. Well at least now I know how I managed to gain ten pounds while throwing up everyday. And it explains why I've been such a....wreck. Though some of that I've earned d***it! I got to my feet and cleaned up all evidence of my test.
My hands still shook as I pakced everything up again, stuffed it in a bag and tucked it into the garbage. I remembered Malcolm's words from months ago to West. He didn't want kids yet, he wasn't ready for them. Am I ready for a baby? I laughed a sarcastic little sound at that. Ready or not, here I come. Because I knew, without a moments doubt or hesitation, that I wasn't getting an abortion. I'm not against them, if Stuart had ever knocked me up after one of his attacks, I'd go in there faster than you could blink. But....not now. This was Malcolm's child in my womb. I sat down again, knees suddenly weak.
Haven't I had enough to deal with? I just want a normal life.... I just.... I sucked in a deep breath, not surprised to find my face covered in tears, bent over my knees. It was always like this when a panic attack hit, I'd loose track of the world around me and curl into a fetal position, sobbing. This can't be good for the baby.... the thought killed my sob mid-heave. My heart rate was hammering, my stomach churned and I was hyperventillating. I needed to get a hold of myself, maybe if things were different I could afford the luxery of a full melt down and slowly build myself back up. God knows I've earned it. But there was now someone depending on me holding it together. My baby...Malcolm's child. I'm pregnant. It really started to hit me then. I was almost three months pregnant. A small smile curved my lips as I realized the implications. Mexico.... I laughed. In all likelihood the night Malcolm had proposed, we'd made a baby.
What do I tell him? the smile left my face. He doesn't want kids yet. But that was before he knew you were pregnant. Tell him! But what if he doesn't want kids? How can I expect him to be a father when he just killed someone to protect me? I've already screwed his life up so bad.... my breathing started to hitch and I forced myself to calm down. I sipped at a cup of water, using it to force my body to relax.
Sip. Tell him, what's the worse that could happen? My hand shook and I gulped the water down painfully, coughing to clear my airway. Bad question to ask when I'm still suffering panic attacks. Ok, deductive then. If I don't tell him, I'm gonig to have to leave him and run away again. I'll have my highschool diploma though, so there's an advantage. He'll come after me though. He won't just let me walk away. But I could tell him that I cant handle the fact that he's a killer. It's a low blow but he'd let me go then. Like Shawna. my chest squeezed, not from fear but from heartache. Just the thought of hurting Malcolm like that tore at me. I couldn't do that to him because I was still ridiculously in love with him. But if I just run, he'll come after me and find US. It won't be hard for him to figure out why I ran away when he catches up to a beached whale. I looked down at my still flat stomach. Looking for it now, I could see the slight swell in my abdomen, but part of that might have been wishful thinking. I don't want to leave him baby. I put my palm against my stomach, skin to skin under my shirt. Your father is a good man. I need to tell him. Once he knows.... he'll want you. I know it. Malcolm said he didn't want kids but that was before he knew you existed. I sucked in a deep breath, still feeling the prick of tears in my eyes. I wish I could ask my mom what to do. There weren't a lot of times I missed my mother. I never knew her, she'd died bringing me into the world. When I first hit puberty, that was one of the times I missed having her, this was the other time. Mostly I just missed my dad but a part of me knew this would not be his area of expertise.
I walked back out to see Salali on the couch, her pipe extinguished as she watched tv, one of her word searches on the couch arm. She looked up at me, having to notice the tear stains on my face. The first time I had met her, I'd been beaten blue and raped the night before, and she never remarked on the evidence painted on my face. I'd wondered about it then, but knew she was the kind of person to wait for an explanation, giving me a choice to tell her or not. She cared, but she respected my privacy too. I handed her the tester and let her see the results.
"Huh." was all she said, handing it back to me. I looked at her, just not understanding how she had no other reaction. Until I burst into tears. Then Salali was onto her feet and hugging me faster than I imagined the large Native woman ever could have managed. She was murmuring to me in her Native language, and I still didn't know enough of it to understand more than the basics. I didn't need to, the words were inconsequential. It was the fact that she was there and I wasn't alone right now for this. "You do things all out of order child." Salali shooked her head at me.
"Huh?" yes I'm that intelligent sometimes.
"You're supposed to graduate highschool, go to college, get a carerr, find a boyfriend, move in together, get engaged and THEN have the babies. The way you do it, we're going to have to find a bigger dress than I originally planned." Salali stated simply. Again I stared at her, but this time I burst out laughing.
"It's not all a**-backwards. I got the boyfriend, then got engaged and knocked up pretty much at the same time. I'm a multitasker like that." I joked, grateful that the tears on my cheeks were from laughter and not fear.
"It's everything else you've gotten out of order." Salali pointed out as if I hadn't caught that fact already.
"That's true." I admitted with a shrug. It should have terrified me, being a teen mom. But it was just... something I'd deal with. Knowing I was carrying an innocent life inside me, I couldn't let my own personal demons control my life anymore. I refused to let the things that had marked me touch this child inside me. It was that simple. "How do I tell Malcolm? I mean, he still hasn't really talked to me after....I know it bothers him that he killed Stuart. It's in his eyes, his actions are tearing him up." I asked Salali. She'd known Malcolm for years, knew him better than even I did.
Salali's face looked a little grim. "I don't know Alice. I really wished I could help you there. But it's a hard thing for a man like Malcolm to handle, loosing control to his temper so completely he killed a man." Salali hugged me to her. "You're going to have to nail his feet to the floor to get him to stay still long enough for you to talk to him about it though."
That was true enough. Malcolm had developed a pacing habit after the.... Gala. He couldn't stand still anymore. Even though the wounds were healing, and the police agreed his actions were self defence and not murder, the whispers followed him now too. People whom didn't believe their lies and figured she was with him, whispers of students wondering how safe he was if he could kill, all of it. He wouldn't stay still, especially if I was in the room. Seeing me just added to his emotional turmoil. He was happy I was alive, and I knew he would do it all over again to save me. But he was also torn that he is capable of killing. He thought he'd left all that in the past. But our inner Beast never goes away. It just learns to be a more patient monster.
"I think I know how to tell him...." I turned to Salali with a hesitant smile. "If it goes pear shaped though, I'm gonig to need your help."
____________________________________________________________________________--
A/N: Still feeling like blue hell right now folks. I'll be better tomorrow, just need sleep. Feel the love, you all called it.