Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu....
(SEEK HELP THROUGH PATIENCE AND PRAYER) HOLY QURAN 2:45...
I request my precious readers to pray their salah if they haven't prayed yet before reading this chappy...
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Asfa's pov :
My body was numb, I couldn't feel anything anymore, Humza was telling me something but I couldn't understand anything and he shook me hard, then I came to my senses and tears were flowing freely and he wiped it, blinking back his own...
I wore my Abaya and I took my Niqab, he took the car keys and we rushed down towards the car! we settled on the seat and he hold my hand tightly to give me assurance! but I couldn't understand what did just happened! and he drove above the speed limits and we reached the hospital in half an hour,which was supposed to be an hour journey...
On entering the hospital, I straight rushed towards the OT and everyone was pacing forth and back,saffu was crying hysterically...
Imad was consoling her and bunny was silently standing! on seeing me..
"sistooo" she cried, more and I enveloped in her a tight hug
and she cried on my shoulders, I pat her back soothing her, but my own tears were unstoppable...
Then, she was able to compose herself a bit, then I stood up and imad was looking like a lost child, I tap his shoulder but he hugged me tight and his sobs, were piercing my heart...
"nothing will happen to grandpa right?? " he asked, while sobbing..
"Insha Allah! he'll be alright now stop don't cry" I said, while my own voice was breaking...
Bunny neared me and hugged us and he looked, miserable...
"what happened to grandpa? " I asked, and Humza intertwined our fingers to assure me, he's aside...
"while he was coming back to home! he got into an accident, a car hit ours with uncontrollable speed and the driver was drunk, but the cop's arrested him and he's found guilty! but Mr Jones the driver also had severe injury and grandpa--- " imad's voice broke, while saying...
And the information brought me the old memories back, which haunted me everytime and I was shaking in terror and fear, but Humza was holding me ...
I just stood still, don't know whether to cry or laugh at my condition!! Humza just pulled me in his embrace, and my control broke I sobbed in his chest, my tears soaking his shirt completely, but he was rubbing my back and soothing me with his words, and I hold him tight! fearing he too will leave me someday...
He was cooing me sweet nothings and I was able to pull myself back together, and he cupped my face and wiped my tears..
"he'll be alright just pray for him ok !" he said, smiling sadly...
I nodded and we did our ablution and there was a prayer room and we prayed our nafl salah and I cried, cried and cried in my dua asking for his health, then we headed back..
The doctor came out and he said, that
"the operation was successful but he had a severe head injury and he had internal bleeding! but we fixed it but we can't say if he'll be fine or not" ..
"what do you mean by that?? " bunny asked, angrily...
"Mr yasin it's just that, he had lost large amount of blood and he's in comma Now and we can't say when he'll wake up and whether he's alright or not? we can say only when he woke up from the comma! so just pray for him!" he said...
"and we're shifting him to ICU " he said and tapped his back and left...
A bomb was exploded on me, the words that came out of my mouth was "WHY? "....
My legs gave out and I dropped on my knees, my mind was numb and darkness engulfed me and I fell but someone, held me in his arms..
The last thing, I heard before I get unconscious was "Asfaaa noooo"......
Momma Pls bring my favorite perfume while you'll return from Kuwait plss...
I'll definitely bring it for my asfa darling..
Momma I miss you and dad so much Pls come soon na..
We'll be back soon my baby don't worry until we're back you should take care of your younger siblings Ok...
I will momma you know saffu and imad ate my chocolates and I'm mad at them..
She chuckled and said its OK baby they're your little siblings if they won't annoy you then whom they'll do don't be mad I'll bring lots of chocolate for you..
Yehyy I'm happy I love you momma
I love you too my little asfu...
Finally they're coming back today yippee I'm gonna see them soon I'm so happy...
But grandpa got a call and his face paled and he sat on the sofa with a thud..
I neared him and asked him what happened he just looked at me with tears in his eyes..
They're no more.... He said and my world got crushed into pieces I couldn't breathe...
"Nooooooo" I shrieked and woke up...
Again, those nightmares and I cried, I found myself on a hospital bed and no one was there, in my room ...
"why? Why? Why this happens with me always? " I cried, in agony...
When, I think! everything is going alright, everything is falling in place and when I try to come out of my bubble, suddenly something bad happens.....
Don't I deserve to be happy! Ya Allah why me ?? And everytime my fears were proven right, I fear to lose my loved ones more and everytime tragedy strikes with my loved ones..
I loved my parents and grandma and they left me alone! in this world to live and now grandpa...
Why everyone leaves from my life whom I love the most?? am I that unlucky??...
Why? I can't live a normal life like others! why it has to be me always...
So only! I don't let new people to enter my life and I fear to love them! I always fear! because, once I get attached to someone I can't live without them and I did that for my whole life, but Humza was an exception!!...
He was the only one to broke my bubble and he was the only one to make me fall in love with him very soon and now I fear that, when I'll lose him I'll die and I can't afford to lose him at any cost, because his life is very precious to me, if anything happens to him, I'll not forgive myself and for that, I had to do this..
I had to push him away from me, I can't let him to be near me, I've to do it! I've to make him hate me! so that he'll leave me, because I deserved to be alone! in my whole life..
I admit, I'll be worse without him, but I had to do it for his sake..
"I'm sorry Humza! I've to do this, Pls forgive me! " I sobbed...
I've made my decision and no one will change my decision now! I know you'll never forgive me Humza! but I'm a coward, I can't lose you! because I'm a curse...
"thank Allah! you're awake now! I was so worried for you!" he said, hugging me and I didn't hug him back..
Don't be so nice to me Humza! I don't deserve this kind of treatment...
"are you OK now? " he asked, cupping my face...
I didn't look at him in his eyes! I just detached his hands away from my face and he looked hurt...
"don't touch me! " I said icily, void of any emotion, he looked taken a back..
"hey what happened? I know you're hurt right now---" he said, but I cut him inbetween..
"no! you don't know how I'm feeling right now? just don't be near me! I just want to be away from you! I don't want to see your face! " I spat furiously...
He looked shocked and hurt and I was dying inside for hurting him! but I had to do this...
"I know you're just trying to hurt me! but I don't believe you! because I know you love me! " he said shakily...
And, I was again shocked! because he reads my mind so easily, but I'm not going to stop...
I took a deep breath and said "I don't love you! " I said and he released my hand....
"no! you're lying ??" he said in broken voice, more to himself...
"no! I'm not! I really don't love you! " I said, void of any emotion...
"then, look at my eyes and tell? " he said, tightening his hold on my wrist...
I can't do that, it's my weakness! I'll lose for sure, but I'm not backing out now....
I took a deep breath and looked into his eyes and he looked vulnerable! who'll break anytime soon! but I masked my emotions..
"I don't love you! I never loved you! and I'll never love you! " I said, my voice dripping with poison...
He looked beyond hurt "then why you said you love me! this earlier evening " he asked, with a shaky voice...
And I ran out of lies, but "because I felt PITY FOR YOU! JUST PITY!! AFTER YOUR CONFESSION, ABOUT YOUR PAST, YOU LOOKED VULNERABLE! SO, I JUST DON'T WANT TO MAKE YOU SAD! SO, I SAID IT AND IT WAS A LIE! A BIG FAT LIE! I DON'T LOVE YOU NOR LOVED YOU! HUMZA! I JUST FELT PITY FOR YOU!! " I spat at him with a high pitch voice...
A tear slipped out of his eye and he looked like a lost child, he released my wrist, from his hands and it felt like life has been slipped out of my hand...
He stood up and he moved towards the door and before turning the knob he again asked, "you seriously don't love me??am I that bad to be loved? " in a broken voice...
I wanted to say no you're the only person who deserved every happiness in the world... But I said the otherwise..
"yes and I don't love you " I said bitterly...
He left and slammed the door and I did it! he is hurt right now! he is mad!..
"congratulations asfa! you did it! you hurted him! now he'll hate you! is that what you wanted right??? you broke him! you shattered his life! you just born to hurt others! I hate you asfa! I really loathe you! " I shouted in agony....
I just cried and cried and cried, I will never be happy again! happiness is not for me..
Again you lost asfa! you lost! and your fear won! he left you! you made him left...
My head started hurting badly from all the crying and shouting and my head began to spin then darkness engulfed me and I fall on the bed...
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Ouch! It hurts really hurts!
My poor Humza baby what he'll do now?
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See you soon sweethearts
-love Noha