When I told Scarlet about finding a place and asking a friend about it, I lied. To some extent. I was going to find a place, I knew I would, but I had no idea who to go to.
I did the closest, or the farthest, thing to finding out.
I stalled.
The busy streets were alight under the darkening sky, reminding me of the view from Scarlet's apartment windows. My windows. And now it seemed ridiculous that I was here, walking down the streets of a city that no longer even felt familiar to me. I couldn't believe this used to be the place I called home.
I let my feet lead the way, and soon found myself standing outside the coffee shop he used to like.
I scanned the place quickly, and was lucky to find no trace of his brown hair.
"Jake?"
I glanced up at the sound of my name. "Hey, Tom."
He grinned, still looking friendly in his apron. "Hey yourself. What are you doing here?"
I ran my fingers through my hair. "I have no idea."
He winced. "Nate doesn't know?"
I shook my head. "Did he tell you?"
"Pretty much everything."
"Great," I said drily.
Tom pushed me towards an empty table and took my order before promising to be right back. I watched him disappear, feeling a sense of déjà vu at his retreating form and wondering if he was about to pull out his phone and text Nate right away.
"Fuck," I muttered, holding my head in my hands as I stared down at the tabletop.
What would Raphael say now? I asked myself bitterly, almost mockingly. Probably laugh and say something about rash decisions and how the fuck I had just spent money on a useless plane trip.
Luckily Tom returned before my thoughts could venture too far into self hatred.
"What's the plan?" he asked, taking the seat in front of me.
I frowned. "Plan?"
"Well, I'm guessing you're not just here for killer coffee."
"Sadly."
He smiled. "He's okay, you know. With everything. I mean, it's fucked up-"
"Thanks."
Tom rolled his eyes. "It's fucked up but he likes you enough to put it behind him. You guys just need to talk it out."
I let the coffee mug warm my hands as I looked away from him and towards the window. "Yeah, right."
He was silent for a second. "You don't like him, do you?"
I shook my head. "Not anymore."
"You met someone else?"
It wasn't as simple at that, but exhaustion from a long, restless plane trip didn't allow enough energy to explain. That it wasn't just that I found someone else, but that the time I had spent yearning for Nate wasn't because of who he was. I wasn't yearning for him, I was yearning for the idea of him. That there was someone familiar and safe I could rely on to feel the same way. And taking the easy way out has always been a guilty pleasure of mine. Thus the impromptu plane ride.
Above that, there was the resenting fact that it had to take Raphael's presence to make me realize all of that. I hated that I could not have figured it out on my own. That again, I needed someone else to hold my hand and drag me from one revelation to the other.
I shrugged. "Whatever."
"Complicated?" he eyed me carefully.
"You couldn't imagine."
He sighed. "As long as you're finally over him. It's been eating him up ever since he got your email."
I said nothing for a while. "How's Jesse?"
Tom snorted. "An idiot."
I raised my eyebrows. "Share and I'll tell you about Raphael."
Tom smirked. "Deal."
"Where is he now?" I asked, and so Tom ventured off towards an endless tale of how Jesse and his band were spotted by some big shot record label, and they were off in god knows where, signing god knows what.
"I totally support him," he said, "been there for him from the start. It just feels off whenever he calls, and I have no idea where we stand. You know what they say about band members? The tours, the life on the road...Sounded like bull to me at first, but he just doesn't call as often, doesn't pick up whenever I do."
Then he laughed. "Whatever. I don't want to stop him, y'know? From living his life the way he always wanted to. I'm just a guy he sort of had feelings for, and in a few years I'll probably be some ex he only remembers when he's drunk or sleeping with someone else."
I raised my eyebrows. "At least you think he'll still remember you."
"Oh, he will. He's already written songs about me."
I grinned. "You're joking."
He shook his head and lifted a hand. "I swear it. Same song that got him signed."
"No."
"Yes." He laughed again. "It's hard to believe, but wait a few months and you'll probably hear the same song on the radio."
"Isn't that kind of cocky?"
He shrugged, looking away. "You tend to be once you date someone like that. Rubs off on you."
He'd changed, and I could see it despite never getting to know him that much. His usual curled up self had long stretched out, and he sat comfortably in the opposite seat, an arm slung over the back of the other that perched beside him.
Someone called his name and he lazily looked in their direction before getting up. "I'm still waiting to hear about Raphael."
"You'll hear about him another time."
He rolled his eyes again. "I better."
I lingered long after he got back to work, swirling the left over coffee in my mug and watched as it sloshed around from side to side.
"You're still here?" Tom shrugged on his coach. "Come on, follow me."
He led me out into the streets, and we walked silently away from the coffee shop. "Do you need a place to stay?"
I cringed. "Kind of."
"I used to share an apartment with Jesse," he said. "It's pretty empty now he's gone, and I usually crash at Nate's when I don't feel like being there. I think he's starting to get sick of it."
"You mean you think Ian's starting to get sick of it."
He chuckled. "That too."
"Okay, if you don't mind. If Jesse doesn't mind either."
He waved a hand at that. "Don't worry about Jesse."
"Thanks," I said.
He waved me off again. "So Raphael?"
I gave a dramatic groan. "Can we wait until we get away from the cold?"
"Nope."
"When I said 'another time', I meant another time. Another day-"
"Another week? Month? Year? Never?" he interrupted with a raised eyebrow. "I know how it goes."
So I told him about Raphael and how he started off as a blurry character born through my imagination, and then became a solid tangible human being. Emphasis on him being tangible.
I left out the nights I spent learning the shape of his lips, studying the way his eyes looked this way and that. Or the fact that for a moment, I got used to waking up by his side and that I enjoyed it that way. Envisioned it to remain that way for a long time. Far longer than it actually did. And that now I found myself miles away for no rational reason, with no actual plan.
"But it was his fault," he said. "For sending the email."
"I know, but it's also my fault for writing it in the first place."
He seemed skeptical. "I don't know, Jake. Maybe if you hadn't trusted him so soon. But either way, he shouldn't have abused your blind faith like that."
"That's the problem. I did trust him too soon."
Tom shrugged.
We were nearing an apartment complex. It was quieter there, and almost felt like it wasn't part of the city if not for the occasional police siren.
"Well you can't help it now."
He unlocked the door and showed me to the guest room I would be staying at. "For as long as you need to," he said. "I'll let you unpack."
I didn't get a lot with me, not knowing how long I would be staying, so unpacking was too quick and too easy. I was tired, but not tired enough it seemed, and when I lay against the bed and stared at the ceiling, my thoughts caught up with me almost overwhelmingly.
I sat up once thoughts of Raphael crept up on me again.
I needed a distraction, something to completely get him out of my head. Not only my head, but the rest of my body too. Everywhere he touched me, everywhere his lips touched me.
My phone was one thing, but then I found myself staring at the last thing he texted me. And then I was listening to all the voicemails he left me, the sound of his voice familiar and so close. I hated how my body reacted to it.
It wasn't even really him, I told myself. Tried to convince myself that I shouldn't be feeling this chaotic drive to call him and hear his voice and how it would sound like now. Convinced it would sound different now, because everything about him should be different yet the same. Comfortable but foreign all at the same time.
Instead, I busied myself with replying to Scarlet's texts. Reassuring her that I had arrived safely, and that, yes, I did find a place to stay.
I inevitably ran out of things to do, and decided exploring Tom and Jesse's apartment was the most reasonable way to occupy my time before fatigue grew too troublesome.
It wasn't the most spacious apartment. The one I shared with Scarlet was far larger than this one in size. The windows were few and small in size, and the walls were covered with posters, picture frames and various art work to cover up the peeling wallpaper. It reminded me of Raphael's, except less chaotic. I pushed the resemblance aside and walked towards the kitchen for a glass of water.
Tom was standing by the microwave, his phone clutched in one hand while his eyes stared unfocused at the microwave that hummed with an orange glow.
"Did you tell Nate?"
His head snapped to the side, and then he quickly followed my line of vision to the phone he was holding. "No, not yet."
"Not yet?"
"I won't tell him unless I have to," he said. "I don't want to lie to him."
"Then why are you holding your phone like it's a murder weapon?"
I motioned to grab a glass and he nodded an okay before I filled one with water from the tap. "Stupid stuff with Jesse."
"Is it about me staying here?"
"No, he doesn't care about that."
"Right," I glanced at the phone one more time. "I'll leave you to it."
I walked back to the guestroom feeling more disheartened than I did when I left it. It seemed like nothing was working out. I flew to the city in hopes of finding it a familiar ground but so far everything seemed different. Tom and Jesse's relationship was only a small aspect of it, but even the lights that flashed behind the window blinds didn't flash as brightly as they used to.
Blah.
Guys, I have plant (a succulent, to be exact). Had it for almost two months, I think, and it's not dead!!! Yay!! BUT it also doesn't have a name. And it needs a name. And I suck at coming up with names. So please help lol. I'll love you forever and ever and ever. Thanks!