for 2k <33
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I wasn't going to dwell on the feelings that wrapped around my thoughts like ropes that had seen better days, the kind that chaff against your skin and always seem to leave violent red marks behind. Instead, I forced my legs to move to Tom's kitchen. He was already there standing behind the stove, work shirt half tucked into the waistline of his dark jeans.
"You're up early."
"Jet lag," which we both knew didn't make sense at all but neither of us thought the idea of an argument appealing that early in the morning.
"I made bacon."
I made a sound of approval as I slowly gravitated towards the coffee machine. "Can I?"
He smiled tiredly. "You don't have to ask. Jesse is the only one who uses it."
I poured myself a mug and settled against the kitchen counter. "Rough night?"
He shook his head, flipping eggs and bacon over the pan and trying to avoid the continuous attack of sizzling oil. "Doesn't matter."
So I let it go, knowing I wouldn't want to talk about it either. Instead, we entertained ourselves through questions of our culinary skills, or lack thereof in my case. Even though Tom mainly handed out the drinks at the coffee shop, occasionally having to prep them from time to time, he still had the ability to cook. Picking up the skills from a family member, he practiced on his meals whenever he found the time.
"But I like baking more," he said. "It's how I got the job at the coffee shop in the first place. I made a batch of oatmeal cookies for a friend and they asked if I needed a job."
He handed me a plate of my breakfast, and I mentally thanked the universe that Tom had offered me a place to stay.
He hurried to work soon after, and I was left to wander the apartment again on my own. I settled on flipping through TV channels and wasting away on the couch. My thoughts often drifted but it was better than bumping into someone familiar in the streets. I should have gone to a place where no one knew my name, but hanging out with Tom only proved to be entertaining so far.
Hours dragged by and I found myself moving between waves of consciousness and drifting off to sleep. Flashes of pale skin and sandy hair, of morning kisses and the strong taste of coffee. I made myself another cup, an excuse to get off the couch.
When I walked back to the couch, my nose filled with the smell of coffee, I checked my phone.
Hey
i miss you
where are u
scarlet won't say anything to me. where did u go
The messages kept coming, one after the other, sending my thoughts into a frenzy of desperation. What was I supposed to? Reply back? No. He was drunk, I assumed, and once he was sober he would regret sending anything at all. Any response would only make me look weak.
But by that point, I had so many things I wanted to say back. Forgive him for something I didn't even think needed forgiving at that point. Whether he was drunk or not, Raphael wanted me. I loved that he wanted me. I wanted him too.
My fingers hovered over the keyboard, but when I thought of what Scarlet would say, I quickly discarded any scenarios of reconciling away. Staying away was good for me. It was the healthy option.
I turned my phone off and settled my half-hearted attention back to the TV screen.
â
For two days, I allowed myself only a few peeks at my phone. Raphael stopped messaging me, but I found myself staring at our messages, waiting for something. It was pathetic, really. When I knew that even if he did text me, it wasn't like I was going to reply. I refused to acknowledge anything he said to me, because even though a small part of me really wanted him back, another part fueled with dislike whenever I caught his name on my screen.
Tom seemed to pick up on my mood, and I caught him glancing at me every few times I lifted my phone from its place.
"We need to get you out of this apartment," he finally said one afternoon. "I mean I know I'm busy at the café most of the time but it's been four days."
"Three."
"Four," he said. "I'm counting the day your plane landed here."
"I'm not," I said stubbornly.
He rolled his eyes and I felt a slither of guilt for dragging him into the situation. "I know all you feel like doing right now is avoiding people, but eventually you'll have to face them."
I was dreading this conversation. "This was a bad idea."
"But you did it anyway, so since you're here you might as well do it."
I decided to confront the elephant in the room. "He doesn't want to see me."
"Fuck what he wants."
"Tom."
He shrugged. "I'm serious. Do this for you."
"I don't even know where he could be."
"His apartment, probably."
"He could be anywhere."
"He's probably at his apartment," he said. "Or on his way over here."
"Wait, what?"
"What? He's my friend. Sometimes he stops by when Ian becomes too much."
"How often does that happen?" I asked, glancing at his door.
He frowned as if considering it. "Not as often as you'd think. Apparently they really like each other."
I snorted. "No shit."
"So yeah, he might come over for dinner."
I stared at him. "Dinner?"
He checked the time. "We do that sometimes. Ian comes along when he feels like it."
"You mean tonight?"
"I mean in less than an hour."
I stood from the couch but he quickly shoved me back down. "Fuck no, you're staying here."
"I think the fuck not."
"I think you fucking will. I ordered Chinese, you should help set the table."
I opened my mouth to say something but he just yanked my arm, forcing me to stand up, and shoved me towards the kitchen. "Go. I'm going to change my shirt. You better be here when I get back."
I clenched my hands into fists as I watched him disappear into his bedroom. I eyed the kitchen before I began scattering the plates around the table. Then I glanced back at his room, and slowly inched my way towards the door before sneaking out and shutting it behind me as slowly as I could.
I turned around and walked a few steps towards the stairs before I froze in my tracks.
Nate was slowly climbing up the stairs, head bent over his phone as his fingers moved across the screen.
I should have moved away, or ducked my head, or doubled back and walked the other end of the hall, but panic over took my senses and by the time he glanced up from his phone, I had only just taken a step backwards.
I watched as his expression turned from surprise to a blank stare.
"I'm going to kill Tom," he stated, eyes traveling from the top of my head and down to my toes.
"Not before I get there first," I muttered.
He scoffed. "You don't get to say that."
"I would have left if I knew."
His fingers tightened around his phone, but before either of us could say another word, Tom opened the door to his apartment. "There you are."
I turned around and walked back to his side. "I hate you."
He grinned, then glanced back at Nate. "Hey."
"I'm going to kill you."
I walked into the apartment before I could hear the rest of their conversation, and grabbed my phone on my way to the guest room.
After a few desperate messages to Scarlet, who probably wouldn't read them for another ten hours, I settled back comfortably onto the bed. It still felt better than staring at the walls and uselessly trying to find ways to sneak off.
Tom knocked on the door and poked his head through. "Good, you're still here."
I shot him a blank stare, causing him to sigh rather dramatically. "I'm not going to apologize, god knows you two will have to do enough of that to last us decades. I was only trying to help."
My eyes traced the pattern on the wooden floorboards. "Fine. And thanks."
"Don't mention it."
I waited a few seconds after he left my room before I did the same, slowly inching my way into the kitchen.
Nate wouldn't look at me at first, and I couldn't blame him. I barely managed to look at him myself. Shame and guilt clouded over my conscious while he quietly conversed with Tom on the side, as if I wasn't there. As if I was there but he really didn't care if it seemed rude.
But then we slowly managed to connect again; when I passed him the plate of rice, when he asked if I wanted the last piece of chicken. And then he was reminiscing a time where he had enough free time to stop by the café.
"Remember when Jesse performed for the first time?" he asked Tom. "You definitely had a crush on him the moment he sang on that stage."
Tom's cheeks went pink. "I did not. And that wasn't the first time he performed at the café."
"It wasn't?"
Tom shook his head, trying to hide the blush on his face by chugging down his can of beer. It only made it worse. "It was just the first time you saw him there."
"Huh. But you did have a crush on him that time."
Tom glanced at me desperately. "Do you blame me?"
I shook my head. "No way."
Tom seemed to relax. "See?"
Nate reluctantly turned his gaze to me. "His opinion isn't really valid."
"It totally is," Tom rushed. "He's practically in love with a European. He would know attractive from not."
"I'm not-" I started to say when Nate interrupted.
"That was a lie."
I cringed. "Yeah, it was a lie until it wasn't."
Nate scoffed. "See, now he's just trying to deny it."
"I'm not," I said. "I lied about meeting Raphael at first, but then I actually did. It sounds hard to believe but I actually met someone with that name, all right?"
Nate shook his head. "Yeah, sure, and I'm as straight as Rob."
Tom snorted into his can.
"You don't have to believe me, but I can show you our texts if you really want to know."
He frowned, looking away. "Whatever."
Tom glanced back and forth between us. "Okay, I'm gonna go now."
"Wait," Nate almost shouted, but Tom was quickly out of the kitchen.
We awkwardly sat in silence around the table. I didn't want to leave, not truly. What I wanted to do was make up for lying to Nate.
I wasn't expecting him to stay either, but he did. He held his unopened can of beer in his hand and swiped his thumb against its surface.
He cleared his throat suddenly. "So, are you in love with him?"
"No," I said quickly. "No, Tom is just being..."
"Tom," he filled in. "Yeah. But you like this guy?"
I shrugged. "Doesn't really matter."
He sighed softly. "What happened?"
"You wouldn't believe me."
"I sort of have no choice."
I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I wrote that email to you a few weeks ago because I couldn't handle not telling you the truth. But I couldn't bring myself to send it to you, so I saved it as a draft in case I somehow gathered the courage to do it another time. Then I met Raphael and I let him read my emails to you in exchange that I get a glance at his sketchbook."
"You let him read our emails?" he scrunched up his nose.
"I kind of already liked him at that point," I told him. "Didn't really want to say no. Anyway, he must have found my drafts and he sent the email."
"He sent the email?" he repeated.
"Yeah."
He stared at me for a second. "And you like this guy?"
I laughed. "I like making out with him?"
"Say no more," but he was smiling lightly.
Nate ended up standing from his seat and making us both a cup of tea. We sat on Tom's couch and switched on the TV, while he told me tales about Nic and the things he got up to with Ian.
"You know," he said, "I can't blame you for lying to me. I mean, I felt hurt for a while. I thought we were better than that, but I remember how I lied to Devin about Tom, and then about Ian. I feel like I don't have the right to really be upset about it, but I think the only reason I lied was because I wasn't that close to Devin as I thought I was. Because I couldn't trust him enough to tell him the truth, and I'd hate for that to happen to us."
"I'm sorry," I said. "You know that, right? I fucked things up because I was selfish. It won't happen again."
He smiled. "I hope not. When do I get to meet him?"
I shook my head, smiling back but painfully. "Probably never. I pushed him away for sending the email."
He winced. "Do you think you can forgive him?"
"I'm not sure. But I really want to. Sometimes it feels like I'm not even mad at him anymore."
"But if you can't trust him to stay out of your emails, how can you trust him with everything else?" he asked.
I shrugged. "He said he was jealous."
"Oh," he said.
"Oh?"
Nate shrugged. "I was jealous of Ian so I lied to Devin about it. Raphael sent that email to me behind your back because he was jealous of me. I don't think I have the right to tell you what to do. It's your choice to decide whether or not he's worth a second chance."
Sorry for any mistakes and stuff I don't like this chapter much lol I'm just trying to push through to the good stuff
ALSO
MY PLANT, MY SUCCULENT, MY BABY DIED. RIP. I LITERALLY JUST WANTED TO NAME IT AND THEN LDKAJFAKFN.
But thanks for the suggestions, guys. I'll definitely keep them in mind for the future <33333
(Like I literally had a plan to post a picture of it and show you guys and then like announce the name I chose and some honorable mentions but NOOO. I WOKE UP AND THE LEAVES WERE PRACTICALLY BLACK.)