Jackie stared up at the ceiling, watching the reflections of light casting from the windows scatter across it. She had been doing so for a good portion of the morning after a night of minimal sleep.
Catherine's phone unexpectedly began to ring and it caused her to jump. She grabbed it, even though she was still half asleep, but quickly got up when she looked at the screen.
"This is Catherine," she spoke professionally.
Jackie watched her as she paced around the room, trying to figure out who was on the other end of the line. It was definitely a university offering her a job, but which one?
"Again, thank you so much and you will be hearing back from me shortly."
She hung up the phone and spun around, smiling coyly.
"You got a job?" Jackie stated, raising her eyebrows.
"I did," Catherine smiled.
"So, who was it?"
"UCLA."
Jackie flashed her a giant smile. At least now she knew she would have Catherine in LA.
"When do you start?"
"I didn't accept it yet. They're going to email me the offer to look over and I have a couple of weeks to decide. Hopefully, I hear from Stanford before then."
"What about Berkeley?"
"I didn't get it."
"I'm sorry. When did that happen?"
"When you were in hospital. It's no big deal. Stanford and UCLA were always my top two anyways. I'm just relieved to know I have something now. What a way to start the day. I had the best night sleep and I got to wake up to that...And you," Catherine smiled. "How did you sleep?"
"Great," Jackie responded, lying through her smile.
"I figured as much since you fell asleep on me last night."
"I'm sorry. I guess the steps wore me out."
There goes another lie from Jackie.
"I'm sure the warm bath didn't help either," Catherine said.
After getting Jackie back downstairs, Catherine asked if she minded if she went on a run after breakfast.
"I'm just feeling energised and want to take advantage of it," Catherine explained cheerfully.
"Yeah, no problem. I can entertain myself."
****
When Catherine was on her run, Jackie sat on the couch feeling worthless. As happy as she was for Catherine, it just reminded her of her own career in shambles; not to mention her body.
She glanced over at the liquor cart and debated for a minute before making her way over to it and drinking straight from the bottle of scotch. Not wanting Catherine to know, she brushed her teeth directly after and hoped she didn't keep a close eye on the amount in the bottles. Jackie wasn't sure if it was because she hadn't drank in almost two months or if it was the medication, but she became light headed almost instantly.
****
Another night went by with Jackie able to avoid Catherine's advances. This time claiming to suffer from a headache, which wasn't completely false given that she drank quite amount of scotch.
Still unable to sleep, she silently slipped out of bed and went downstairs. She took some swigs of vodka before retreating to the couch and was careful to switch things up, so Catherine was less likely to catch on.
Too nervous to turn on the television and wake her, she regrettably spent the next hour scouring through the tabloid articles on her. The paparazzi's comments towards her was enough to drive her deeper into this hole, but now reading what the rest of the world thought of her sank her beyond saving.
****
"Jackie," Catherine said, shaking her up.
Jackie slowly opened her eyes. The warn sun just began rising through the large windows in the living room.
"What's wrong? Why did you sleep down here?"
Her headache gave Jackie a reminder of her late night escapade. She nervously looked around, hoping that she put the liquor bottle back. Her relief settled in when she saw it sitting on the cart.
"I couldn't sleep," Jackie replied.
"Is it your head still?" Catherine asked.
Jackie felt the nausea abruptly set in and quickly went to the bathroom.
"Are you okay? Maybe we should go and see the doctor," Catherine spoke nervously outside the door.
"No, I'm fine. It's just a migraine," Jackie said as she opened the door.
"It might be related to your concussion. I think we should go, just to be safe."
"Catherine, that was almost two months ago. I'm fine. It's just being out here in the Midwest. I use to get them all the time when I lived here."
"Well okay then, but let me know if your headache gets any worse."
Catherine then went to the kitchen to start making breakfast and Jackie was leaning against the bathroom door, thinking about how she got away with it and how she was quite impressed with her own quick thinking.
****
Later that day, while they were eating lunch, Catherine received another phone call. Jackie's stomach knotted. As soon as Catherine started smiling, she knew it was a done deal. When she hung up, the biggest smile Jackie had ever seen expanded across Catherine's face.
"Stanford?" Jackie asked.
Catherine didn't say anything. She just nodded her head yes with a giant smile still plastered on her face. Jackie got up and hugged her as Catherine squealed in happiness, hiding her disappointment.
"I'm so happy for you. You deserve this," Jackie said to Catherine as she was hugging her.
****
As Catherine was busy reading over both contracts that night, Jackie slipped outside to the backyard and stared up at the sky. She missed being able to see the stars like this. The view definitely wasn't the same in Los Angeles.
"There you are," Catherine said from behind her, as she closed the door. "What are you doing out here?"
"Nothing. Just relaxing."
"Can I join?"
"Of course," Jackie smiled. "This is the only view you can't get in Los Angeles."
"Very true. I'm going to miss it."
They both sat in silence for a minute, gazing at the stars before Catherine broke the silence.
"Jackie..."
"Mmhmm?" Jackie mumbled as she turned her head.
Catherine looked down, obviously nervous to speak.
"I think I'm going to take the Stanford job," she said as she looked up.
Stanford. Five and a half hours away. Not thinking it was possible, Jackie's world just got even darker.
"I know," Jackie responded sweetly.
"You do?" Catherine asked, looking relieved.
"You always said it was your first choice."
Although she wasn't lying, Jackie had a small ounce of hope that Catherine would choose UCLA to be close to her.
"Are you upset?"
"Of course not," Jackie replied. "This is your dream. You didn't stop me from mine."
"This is really hard for me. I don't want to be that far away from you, but I don't think either of us would be happy if we sacrificed our careers. It's something we're both passionate about and makes us, us."
"It's a lot closer than here," Jackie chimed in, knowing she had to be as supportive as possible.
No matter what was going on inside her head.
"This has all made me think and... I really want you to accept that acting role when they offer you it. It will be hard but we will figure out how to make it work."
Jackie's stomach dropped. A reminder of how lost she was. Not wanting to lie yet, yet not wanting to tell the truth, she just smiled.
"I love you," Catherine said.
"I love you too," Jackie responded, as Catherine came over and kissed her.
"I'm going to go inside."
"Okay, I'll be in a bit."
"Don't get too tired," she whispered in Jackie's ear, before gently kissing her on the cheek.
Catherine flashed her a seductive smile before disappearing back inside.
Jackie knew she couldn't put it off anymore. It was Catherine's big day. It wasn't fair to push her away. She looked through the window and saw her sitting at the kitchen table, so she quietly went into the living room. Grabbed the bottle of vodka and sneaked back outside. She chugged as much of it as she could while keeping a close eye on Catherine's whereabouts. When she saw her beginning to wrap up, she went back inside and placed the bottle back on the cart.
Jackie then made her way into the kitchen.
"Do we have any ice cream left?" Jackie asked Catherine.
"Yeah, I think so. Are you hungry?"
"No, just need something sweet."
Jackie grabbed a spoon but Catherine got to the freezer before her.
"Let's take it upstairs," Catherine smiled.
****
When they got upstairs, Jackie felt almost as nervous as she did their first time. Thankfully, the vodka was beginning to kick in. Since Catherine had blocked her from the ice cream, she was going to have to avoid locking lips with her until she could mask the alcohol on her breath. Catherine had her sit on the bed, then grabbed the ice cream and straddled her.
"Is your leg okay?" Catherine asked, before carefully sitting on her lap.
"Yeah," Jackie responded quietly, trying not to let her catch the scent of her breath.
Catherine dipped the spoon into the ice cream but leaned into Jackie first. Jackie was panicking, so she quickly began kissing Catherine's neck. Catherine began to quietly moan, the results of months of celibacy.
Jackie pulled back to get the ice cream but Catherine set it on the night stand and kissed her unexpectedly on the lips. She could feel Catherine starting to pull away as soon as she tasted it, so she grabbed her head and kept kissing her; hoping the heat of the moment would make her forget.
It didn't though.
Catherine quickly broke free.
"Is that vodka?"
"What?" Jackie hesitated. "No."
Catherine leaned in closer but Jackie leaned back.
"Stop. What are you doing?"
"It is. Jackie, why do you have vodka on your breath?"
"Okay, you caught me. I had a drink," she said, continuing to kiss her.
"When? Why?"
"I just needed to loosen up. It doesn't mater, come on."
Jackie leaned in but Catherine stopped her.
"Why? Do you need a buzz to sleep with me now?"
"Catherine, stop. Just kiss me. Come on," Jackie pled.
"No. Look at me."
Jackie looked away.
"Jackie, look at me and kiss me if that's what you want to do."
Jackie took a deep breath in and tried her best to hold in every single emotion that had been silently beating her down, then looked up at Catherine. Her action must have taken her by surprise because she saw her aggression melt away as soon as they locked eyes. Not wanting her to catch on, she did as asked and kissed her.
While deep in their kiss, she fidgeted with her sling, trying to remove it, but Catherine stopped and did it for her. The first time she did it was romantic, now it was just exposing her inadequacies.
Jackie reached around and rolled Catherine over onto the bed, crawling on top of her. It only took her until she was halfway down her body for her arm to begin shaking, struggling to play double duty and was unable to hold her own body weight. As hard as she tried, it finally gave in and she fell on top of Catherine. She let out a sigh of frustration and tried to begin again, but Catherine sat up.
"It's okay," Catherine smiled, before gently rolling over and taking control.
Jackie felt the lump in her throat catch, making it difficult to swallow and knew what was coming. The moment Catherine began undoing her pants, she felt the tears overflow and began slipping down her cheeks. Jackie was hoping it was too dark for her to notice.
Once they were off, Catherine leaned down and began kissing her neck but must have felt the tears. She placed both hands on either side of Jackie and hovered over her.
"Are you crying?" Catherine asked.
"No."
Jackie wanted to give an excuse but it was all she could slip out. So she grabbed Catherine's and began kissing it.
Catherine began kissing her neck again, but now Jackie's chest began to tremble as she tried choking back the tears.
"You are crying. What's wrong? Am I hurting you?"
"No, nothing. Just keep going," Jackie insisted.
"Jackie, you are crying. I'm not going to keep going," Catherine said, before leaning over and turning on the light.
As soon as the room illuminated, Jackie placed her hand over her eyes and began to cry even harder.
"What is it?" Catherine asked, with concern.
Jackie just shook her head and still covering her eyes.
Catherine grabbed her arm and removed it.
"Hey, talk to me," she said softly.
"I'm just not having a good day."
"Is this about Stanford?"
"No!" Jackie insisted.
"Then what is it?"
Jackie knew Catherine wasn't going to let this go until she gave her something. So she decided on something small.
"You went for a run today and I can barely make it up these steps without getting winded. You have to remove my sling for me and then just now... I can't even do that for you."
Catherine took her hand and kissed it. When Jackie finally looked up, Catherine's eyebrows were pressed together and her forehead wrinkled in concern.
"Don't pity me. It's the last thing I need. I'm just feeling completely inadequate."
"I'm so sorry. I wish you would've told me this. I shouldn't have rushed-"
"It's been two months. That's a long time for you."
Catherine looked at her with shock.
"I'm not going to take offence to that, given your current state, and the fact that it may be true," Catherine smiled. "But you're a lot more important to me than just sex."
Jackie just smiled at her.
"Can we at least cuddle?"
Jackie nodded and smiled back.
****
The progress they made that night seemed to dissipate as soon as the sun rose. Jackie slipped back into her melancholy ways and Catherine soon found out prying was only making things worse. Jackie began sleeping on and off most days, and when Catherine would wake up in the middle of the night, she would be gone.
The first couple of nights she found her on the couch watching television, so it eventually stopped bothering her and to just let Jackie have her space. Catherine would be moving to Stanford soon, and the thought of leaving Jackie in the state that she was in both terrified her, and broke her heart.
After discovering the amount of liquor missing from her bottles, she knew it was time to either intervene or get help.
"How's your shoulder?" Catherine asked while they were eating dinner.
"Good," Jackie replied.
"Is it finally starting to feel back to normal?"
"Yeah."
One word responses. Jackie's new favourite.
"If you're feeling up to it, maybe we can start going on walks everyday? It might help to give you some energy."
"Yeah, maybe."
"Are you excited to get back to California?"
"I guess."
"Has Wade said anything on when you would hear about that movie? It seems like it's been a while."
"These big blockbusters usually take a while to cast."
Catherine thought back to when Jackie landed the role in Neptune 26. It only took a month to hear back and it was going on for almost three months now.
"Oh wow. So this must be a bigger deal than Neptune 26, since you heard back pretty fast then, huh?"
Jackie paused before pulling her chair out.
"I'm not really hungry tonight," she said before getting up.
This was a current theme and their new norm. They would sit in near silence, or Jackie would hardly touch her dinner and disappear into the living room.
Catherine placed her hand on her arm.
"Can you talk to me?"
"Catherine, not tonight. I don't feel good."
Catherine closed her eyes as Jackie began to walk away. The pain she felt not being able to get through to her was unbearable at this point.
"Jackie, I miss you," she called out quietly.
She heard her pause, hoping she would come back, but she didn't.
****
After cleaning up, Catherine made her way into the living room and saw her laying on the couch; mindlessly watching the television.
That was it.
She made her way to the liquor cart and grabbed the two bottles.
"Is this what you do all night when you sneak out of bed? Get drunk? Is that why you lay around all day?"
Jackie ignored her and kept staring at the television. So Catherine put the bottles back down and sat in front of her.
"Jackie, please talk to me. Let me inside your head because it's killing me inside for not knowing."
Jackie finally looked at her.
"No, I'm not excited to go back to LA because I have nothing to go back to."
"Your entire career is there. Everything you've worked so hard for."
"No it's not. I didn't get the role," she said, emotionlessly.
"I'm so sorry, Porcupine. When did you find out?"
"When were were in LA."
Catherine looked at her and was confused.
"You mean months ago?"
"Yeah."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"It never came up, and when it did, you had just gotten the job at Stanford and I didn't want to interfere in your happiness."
Catherine placed her hand on Jackie's leg.
"It's fine. It's not like I wanted it anyway."
"Regardless of the role, you still have so much going for you. Now you can find a role that you're passionate about. Just like you said you wanted."
"No one's going to hire me. They all hate me," Jackie said, her voice still monotone.
"What are you talking about? That's not true."
Jackie sat up and pulled out her phone. She began typing and then showed Catherine the screen.
"Oh it's not, is it?"
Catherine took the phone and saw dozens of tabloid articles pulled up. All of them were criticising Jackie for Tommy being in jail.
"This is all bullshit. Is that what you've been reading for the past two months?"
Jackie just looked away. Tears were forming in her eyes.
"What on earth possessed you to look at these?"
"After I heard what the paparazzi had to say to me."
"What did they say?"
"That I single handed lay ruined Tommy's career."
"And you listened? That's complete bullshit Jackie. They were just trying to get a reaction out of you to post in the tabloids. Tommy is to blame for all of this."
"You just don't get it," Jackie sighed.
"Then help me understand."
Jackie stayed quiet and continued to look away.
"Why won't you let me help you?" Catherine pled.
Catherine couldn't handle Jackie's silence any longer.
"I have been in more pain these past few weeks than I ever was the entire year without you," Catherine said, her voice was breaking as she began to cry.
Stubbornly looking away, unable to expose her own personal struggles, Jackie had felt entirely dead inside until that moment.
The moment she heard Catherine's voice break before sobbing quietly.
Jackie quickly looked at her. Tears were running down on her face. It was that moment she realised that in her attempt to protect Catherine from the darkness inside her mind, she had caused something worse to happen.
Much worse.
She had caused Catherine to create her own darkness and suffer in it all alone.
A/n Thanks for reading my story. Please vote and drop a comment. Comments will help me a lot more than you might think. â¤ï¸