Jackie opened the door and flicked on the lights. She stood in the doorway as she watched her apartment illuminate, taking a minute to look around at the familiar place she once called home. As if almost robotic, she numbly went through the motions of her old routine.
Unpacking her things, she caught sight of herself in the medicine cabinet mirror. No longer recognising the person staring back at her. She desperately tried to find some sense of familiarity, but the steam of the shower fogged her reflection.
Stepping inside, she let the hot water trickle down her face. As she thought back to that night with Catherine.
_____________________
1 week ago
Catherine sat in front of Jackie and was sobbing in a way that Jackie had never seen before. It caused her heart to shatter into a million pieces. Jackie sat there and was astounded by the affect she had on her.
After taking it all in, she knelt in front of her and took her in her arms. That's the only thing she knew what to do. Catherine dropped her hands from her face and wrapped her arms around Jackie's torso, as she continued to cry. Jackie just held her closely for a while until her trembling stopped and tears ceased.
When Catherine slowly pulled away, Jackie wiped her tears.
"I'm sorry."
"Don't I make you happy anymore?" Catherine asked quietly.
Jackie just stared at her. She was completely at loss for words. She watched as Catherine flinched at her hesitation and saw the pain encompass her face as she stood. Catherine stood up and was trying to walk away.
"Wait," Jackie called out as she grabbed her wrists, pulling her down. "I'm so empty inside and it terrifies me. I am completely numb. I literally feel nothing."
"For me?"
"For anything. But seeing this affect I have on you," Jackie went on as she held Catherine's hands. "It completely destroys me knowing I could do this to you. I didn't mean for this to happen, I meant for the opposite."
"You've been treating me this way on purpose?"
"I saw how I was draining the life from you and didn't want to bring you down with me, so I isolated myself."
Catherine looked at her.
"Jackie, as physically exhausted as I was then, I wasn't happy. I thought I had lost you that night of the accident. So having you here, being able to take care of you, I was grateful for every minute of it. I was genuinely happy. Now I'm just miserable. You made me feel like nothing I could do would be enough. And now, what you just said, what does this even mean?"
Jackie turned her gaze to the floor.
"I don't know. I don't know how to fix this," she whispered.
****
After what felt like an eternity of silence, Catherine rose and went upstairs without saying a word. Struggling with not knowing the right thing to say, Jackie stayed downstairs for a bit before following after her.
When she slowly opened the bedroom door, the band of light coming from the hall shined directly on Catherine. Her back was to Jackie and she was lying in bed, motionless. Jackie quietly closed the door and sat on the side of the bed, her back to Catherine's.
"I know how unfair this is for you," Jackie said.
Catherine was silent but Jackie knew she was awake. Jackie then laid down next to her.
"What can I do?" She whispered, turning her head towards Catherine.
Catherine didn't respond so she got to her knees and pulled her shoulder back, turning her around until she was laying on her back.
"I don't think you're in love with me anymore."
"That's not true," Jackie insisted, supplying a defensive expression.
"You said you felt nothing for me."
"That has nothing to do with-"
"You haven't touched me in weeks," Catherine interrupted. "Not even a hug. Do you know how terrible-"
Jackie leaned down and kissed her and cut her off, but Catherine pushed her away.
"Stop it. I know it's not real."
Struggling with her, Jackie grabbed her hands and pinned them to her sides. She saw the despair in Catherine's eyes and stared into them, hoping she would see that the person who loved her was still inside her somewhere.
Catherine's chest trembled, so physically upset, causing Jackie to be drawn back to her. She wanted to desperately console her. Jackie kissed her again. This time she meant it. She felt Catherine beginning to kiss her back, and her arms ease under her hands, so she let go of them.
Suddenly the two of them were pulled into every emotion of everything that had ever happened between them. Things began to heat up, but Jackie could taste the saltiness of Catherine's tears.
Pulling herself away, Jackie gently wiped her tears away and softly kissed both of her cheeks before continuing on.
****
Rachel arrived the next day to help them pack for Catherine's big move. Leaving them no time to discuss what transpired the night before. Despite what happened that night, things still weren't the same.
Catherine reached over and placed her hand over Jackie's as they were driving to the airport. Jackie looked own and then up at Catherine, who flashed her a small smile, as she squeezed her hand.
Jackie just smiled back before looking out the window again. As guilty it made her feel, she was relieved Rachel was coming.
"Hey girls!" Rachel squealed as she ran and hugged them both. "I missed you both of you so much!"
Rachel chatted their ears off the entire ride home. Pausing only for a moment to ask them how they were doing. Both Catherine and Jackie hesitated before offering a generic, "great!"
****
Before beginning their packing duties, Catherine cooked them dinner as they enjoyed multiple glasses of wine throughout the night. Jackie could feel Catherine was mentally keeping track of how many glasses she had. It started to irritate her quite a bit.
Rachel gulped down the last bit of hers and asked if anyone else wanted another glass as she stood.
"I'll take one," Jackie responded.
However, Catherine's facial expression let on that she thought she had enough.
"Actually, never mind. I think I'm going to turn in for the night."
"Aww so soon?" Rachel whined.
"Yeah, sorry. I'm wiped out and the wine didn't help."
"Ok, well sleep tight. Catherine, another glass?"
****
As Jackie was changing for bed, Catherine came into the bedroom.
"Are you okay?" Catherine asked.
"I'm fine."
"You don't seem fine."
"What do I seem then? Drunk?"
"I didn't say that."
"You didn't have to. I saw you judging me for every glass of wine that I had."
"I'm just worried about you," Catherine said softly.
"Well, you don't need to be. I'm a big girl. I think I've made it pretty clear that I don't need your help anymore," Jackie snapped.
After Catherine didn't fire back at her, she looked up and saw the shock in her eyes.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that," Jackie apologised.
It was then too late because Catherine turned and left.
****
The next day, when Jackie woke up, Catherine wasn't in bed with her. She wasn't sure if she slept through her coming and going, or she never came to bed at all.
Feeling guilty for snapping at her, she was nervous to see what type of mood she was in. Hoping there wouldn't be a scene in front of Rachel.
When she reached the kitchen, the two of them were packing up the dishes.
"Hey sleepy head," Rachel joked. "Looks like little Miss Hollywood can't hang anymore."
"Very funny," Jackie responded, noticing Catherine ignoring her presence.
"So where do you want me?" Jackie asked.
"You can start on that cabinet," Catherine replied, pointing to it, but still avoiding eye contact.
****
Later, when Catherine left to go pick up lunch, Rachel turned to Jackie almost immediately.
"What's going on between the two of you?"
"Why? What did she say?" Jackie asked.
"Nothing. She didn't have to. I just spent all morning in the same room with you two and you hardly even looked at each other. Usually I can cut the sexual tension with a knife."
"I snapped at her last night when I shouldn't have."
"Why? What happened? Everything seemed fine."
"Just stupid shit. I felt her judging me for how many glasses of wine I was having, so I said things I shouldn't have."
"Has that been a problem lately or something?"
"No. Well, maybe a little."
"Jackie!"
"Stop. I don't need this from you too. I don't have a drinking problem."
"You better not, or I'll bust your ass!" Rachel teased, putting her fist up to Jackie's face.
****
Later that day, when they were finished packing, Jackie went upstairs to take a shower. When she was done, she was on her way back downstairs. She overheard Rachel and Catherine talking about her. So she paused at the top of the stairs.
"I just feel like I can't make her happy anymore. I don't know what I'm doing wrong."
"She's just going through a hard time," Rachel insisted.
"Maybe. Or maybe she just doesn't love me anymore."
"Oh Catherine, she still loves you."
Not wanting to bombard them, Jackie didn't make much noise as she could coming down the stairs. When she entered the room, Catherine quickly said she was going to go and take a shower.
Once she was out of sight, Rachel pointed up the stairs.
"Go and talk to her," she said, sternly.
Jackie hesitated. Rachel yelled at her this time and pushed her towards the stairs.
"Go! You two take all the time you need. I'll be down here."
****
By the time Jackie got upstairs, the shower was already running and the door was closed. So Jackie sat on the bed and waited. As she was waiting, she saw the stuffed bunny Catherine always kept above the bed and smiled. She grabbed the bunny and it brought back memories. She thought back to that first night and how terrified she was of Catherine.
To think now, she had the power to absolutely destroy the once overly confident woman she was so scared of, it made her feel awful.
Not long after the shower stopped, Catherine opened the door and came into the bedroom.
"Can we talk for a minute?" Jackie asked.
"Jackie, Rachel's here-"
"She's fine. Please?"
"Let me get dressed first."
Jackie fidgeted with the bunny as Catherine dressed. She just realised that she never asked Catherine about the story behind it. It didn't exactly fit Catherine's personality, or decor. Catherine stood in front of her once she was dressed.
"Sit," Jackie said as she patted the bed.
When Catherine sat, Jackie put the bunny down and turned to her.
"I'm really sorry for snapping at you last night. I didn't mean it."
"I just don't understand. What was the other night? Just a way to shut me up?"
"No, of course not."
Catherine kept her focus on the ground.
"You know, I appreciate everything you've done for me right?"
Catherine didn't answer.
"Right?"
"I'm not sure of anything anymore," she finally said, looking up at Jackie.
"I still love you. I hope you know that. The other night was real, and you don't deserve the way I've been treating you in the slightest. I'm just in this really bad place and I don't know how to get out of it, but none of that is because of you. I promise you that's the truth. It kills me seeing the way I'm hurting you."
"I just don't know what else to do," Catherine sighed.
"There isn't anything more you can do. You've been my rock throughout this all. I'm just a really independent person, so suddenly faced with all of these limitations, it's been hard. It also got me thinking. After we get you moved to Stanford, I'm going to go back to LA for a while and let you settle in."
Catherine looked up at her and was confused.
"Not like that," Jackie insisted, shaking her head. "Just some time for me to get my head straight. I think we both need some time to figure out our lives and you're going to be so busy at Stanford. I don't want to get in the way of that."
Catherine picked up the bunny and rubbed its ear between her fingers.
"I just want you to be happy again," Catherine said softly.
"I want us to be happy again."
Jackie leaned over and hugged her for a long time. When she let go, she noticed Catherine was still holding the bunny.
"Where did you get that bunny from, anyways?"
"My mum," she smiled.
Jackie took it from her hands and kissed it before handing it back to her.
****
Things after that seemed fine. They were able to enjoy the time they had left with Rachel without the tension. When the weekend was over and they loaded all of Catherine's belongings into the moving truck, they looked back at the house.
"I'll leave you two alone," Rachel said before getting into the car.
Jackie watched as Catherine stared at the house.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
"Yeah. I just never thought I would ever be leaving this place."
"It's not gone forever. We will be back, I promise," Jackie said as she rubbed her back.
****
When they landed in California, Rachel immediately went back to LA to give Catherine and Jackie some time alone. Jackie only stayed for a day to help get Catherine's essentials put away.
She scheduled her flight back to LA early in the morning, thinking it would be best not to drag out a long goodbye. When the alarm went off early at 5am, she quietly rolled out of bed, but felt Catherine's hand on her arm.
"Stay."
Jackie smiled.
"Okay but I only can a little longer."
She moved in closer before she heard Catherine's whisper.
"Don't go."
The words broke Jackie's heart.
"Catherine..." Jackie said, hugging her tightly. "This isn't a goodbye. It's just an 'I'll see you later', as cliche as that sounds."
"I hope so."
"It is."
When she came back from the bathroom, she turned on the light and packed her remaining things. Catherine just sat on the bed and watched Jackie as she packed her stuff.
"So this is your thing? You leave me broken in my bed," Catherine joked.
But Jackie could tell she wasn't joking.
After a long hug and kiss goodbye, Jackie left. Just like she did in Bloomington.
In some ways it was better, she wasn't leaving her with nothing. Catherine had a great job to look forward to, but in one way it was worse.
Much worse.
Catherine asked her to stay.
_________________________
Back to 1 week later after Catherine and Jackie separated ways- Jackie in her apartment
When Jackie brought the wash cloth up to her arm, she saw how red her skin was. She realised she had been in the shower a lot longer than she had planned. So she quickly wrapped up.
As she stepped out, she saw the entire bathroom was filled with steam. She rubbed the sleeve of her robe over the mirror and looked at herself again. This time she focused on her eyes, remembering the way Catherine had taught her when she was feeling lost.
Then she saw it.
She was still there, and she would find her way back to Catherine.
A/n Thanks for reading my story. Please vote and drop a comment. Comments will help me a lot more than you might think. â¤ï¸