Chan woke up to the feeling of something sitting on his chest. As he squinted his eyes, he found Pumpkin's face peering at him, her tiny feet digging through his skin. He shifted a little, trying to get up. Pumpkin meowed at him, which he took as a sign to feed her breakfast. He snuck a glance at Veronica, exhaling in relief to find her still asleep.
He padded into the kitchen, Pumpkin on his heels. Last night came back to him in tiny waves. The sound of Veronica crying, the way she was shaking in his arms, it all felt too vivid. He had stayed awake, even after she had fallen asleep. Unable to close his eyes, he kept seeing the way she had looked at Helene. The resignation and disappointment in her eyes.
He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't hear Veronica enter the kitchen, jumping a little as she wished him good morning.
"Morning," he replied, stretching his lips into a smile. Her hair was completely askew, eyes puffed up from the crying. He moved forward and wrapped his arms around her waist, his heart swelling at their closeness. Something he still wasn't used to."Did you sleep well?"
Veronica put her arms around his neck and leaned in, placing her head on his shoulder. "Is it okay if we stay like this for a while?"
Chan grinned, tightening his grip on her and burying his face in the crook of her neck. He doesn't know how long they stayed like that. Could have been 20 seconds or 20 hours, he didn't care. All he thought about was how lucky he was to have this. He couldn't help but marvel at the miracle of being able to hold Veronica in his arms and to have her hold him back. Life hadn't been this good in a while.
When they finally moved apart, Veronica pressed a kiss to his cheek. Before she could move away, he pulled her back and pressed their lips together. He tried not to smile as Veronica leaned into the kiss, melting back into his arms. He didn't kiss her delicately. He wanted to show her that he was here. The kiss was a promise that he wouldn't go away. It was everything he had wanted to say to her last night but couldn't.
"Thank you," Veronica whispered into the air between them. Her eyes still closed.
"Coffee?" he asked, reaching over her and pulling out the coffee jar.
"Yes please," she replied, watching him make her coffee.
"You said you'll be coming around to meet Mom today?" The coffee machine gurgled out dark brown liquid, steam rising from the cup.
"Yeah," she said, accepting the cup from him. "In the evening maybe? Do you think she'll be there?"
Chan nodded, watching her sip from the cup. "I am going to tell her that I want to move out."
Veronica pressed her lips together. Grabbing the box of pop tarts on the counter, she popped one in her mouth. "How do you feel about it?"
Terrified. Selfish. Excited. Guiity for feeling excited. He knew his parents were going to be supportive. Hannah would probably treat his new apartment as a place to crash. He wondered if Lucas would feel abandoned. Blindsided?
"I don't know," he replied, honestly.
"You only have to do this if you want to."
He knew that. And he wanted it. Just entertaining the thought felt exhilarating. But there was that voice in the back of his head. The one urging him to stay put. To be close to his family. In case. The in cases were always piling up in the back of his head. He was always doing the math. It was exhausting.
"I want to." He grabbed a cup to make himself some tea. "Did you talk to the building representative? About the empty apartments?"
Veronica cleared her throat, eating another pop tart. "Are you sure you want to live here? I don't want you to think you have to, just because I suggested it."
He took a step forward, pressing close to her. "If I hadn't been clear before, let me reiterate: I want to live close to you. The sheer thought of it makes me want to break into a song. Any uncertainty you might see on my face have absolutely nothing to do with you." He placed both of his hands around her face. "You, my love, my darling, are the delight of my heart and you should never doubt that."
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When Chan dropped her off at the inn, Veronica knew she was done for because the moment he drove away all she could think of was seeing him again.
She was still smiling to herself when Cassie intercepted her midway. Veronica stumbled to a stop, eyes wide. "What the fuck?"
Cassie narrowed her eyes. "Is something going on?"
Veronica narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean?" She made a move to walk around her but Cassie barred with outstretched hands. "Between you and Chan? That wasn't a very fake datey glance that passed between the two of you."
Veronica felt herself blush. She hadn't told Cassie that she and Chan had decided... Decided what? She wasn't sure what they were? Were they boyfriend girlfriend? Was this a casual thing? The last thought seared through her heart, burning her insides. What if this was a casual thing? Her feelings, the intensity of them didn't feel casual to her. The last thing she needed right now was to suffer another loss. She had hoped that her conversation with her mother would be the final chapter in their relationship. That the message she had wanted to convey had reached Helene. She knew that she never truly had Helene but the loss was still there. A hole. An awning. She couldn't afford another wound.
"You are so delusional," Veronica replied with a fake laugh. "There's nothing between me and Chan. As I have told you before."
Cassie crossed her arms. "And not believing you is my prerogative."
Veronica shook her head, hanging her coat on the coat rack. Martin was chatting up with one of the guests, his expression deadpan. No matter what was going on in her life, at least this was a constant. Martin and his absolute hatred for the people who came to stay at their inn. Veronica wondered if she had the energy to intercede their conversation. After ten seconds of pondering she decided on the negative.
Walking into the kitchen, she went for the fresh pot of coffee and stopped as she noticed Minho talking to one of their helpers. She thought he wasn't coming back for another week. "You are alive!" She exclaimed, hugging him.
Minho grinned. "It's a miracle. The cold really planned on staying forever."
Veronica couldn't stop herself from smiling. She knew it was stupid but the kitchen smelled like Minho's cooking. He was making omlette and blueberry pancakes for breakfast. Veronica asked if he could make her an cheese, tomato, and spinach omlette. She was starving.
She ate in the kitchen talking to Minho. It felt nice to have him back, gossiping and filling each other on their lives. Minho had mostly stayed home, trying to recover from the cold, surviving on soup and antibiotics. Veronica, in turn, told him about her life. About Charlotte getting into an accident. How Martin had almost made Dan quit because he made him redecorate the inn for the festive season, because the first attempt had been absolutely putrid according to Martin.
She didn't tell him about Chan, carefully skirting any mentions of him. The happiness she had felt in the morning- hugging him, kissing him- had evaporated. His words still reverberated in the back of her head: You, my love, my darling, are the delight of my heart and you should never doubt that
She had believed him in that moment. But Chan had a way of making her feel things she had never felt before. And she had never felt like this. So safe. Happy. Comfortable. She didn't feel like she was in her senses. Not when he was letting her fall asleep in his arms. Or making coffee for her as if they were a couple. But she could feel the dread swimming in the pit of her stomach. The devil on her shoulder. Telling her things she didn't want to hear. Whispering to her in her weakest moments. She would be lying if she said that she wasn't afraid. Afraid of screwing this up. Because that was what she did. The moment it got too real, that was when Veronica twisted things until they broke. It was a habit. An ugly one. She was terrified of twisting this thing between her and Chan. Because if she did, wouldn't she be just proving herself right. That she willing messed it up. Overthinking his words, parsing them for subtexts she wanted to find.
When afternoon rolled around, she was busy attending the Wine tasting club who was staying over the whole week. As she checked them in one by one, she spotted a familiar figure standing in the lobby of the inn. Veronica offered Diana a small smile, giving the last guest her keys to the room along with the schedule for her group.
She let herself have exactly two deep breaths before she walked towards Diana. She tried to keep her smile as earnest as possible as she said, "Hey! What are you doing here?"
Diana greeted her with a smile of her own. All teeth. Veronica felt her guards go up. "Just wanted to see you. You didn't come to my party, Chan was alone."
Veronica cocked her head to the side, trying to understand the meaning behind the weird sentence. "Yeah, I had stuff at the inn." Then. "I am sorry for calling him out early though, there was an emergency. Charlotte was in an accident so he came to the hospital with me."
Diana pressed a hand to her heart. "I didn't know that. I hope she's better now." The earnestness in her voice made Veronica judge her perception. That maybe she was overthink. "I have to say, it's so nice that you guys are still going strong."
Veronica had to suppress a snicker. She felt a twinge of victory. She had been right. There was some hidden meaning behind Diana's visit. "What do you mean by still going strong? Is there a reason we shouldn't?"
Diana must have heard the bite in Veronica's voice because she switched her expression to one feigning compassion. "Oh no. I am sure you guys got over what happened at my party?"
Veronica felt her ears ring. Knees unsteady. She recalled Chan telling her that nothing had happened at Diana's party. It had been before everything. Before the kiss. Before him burrowing into her bones and carving a place for himself there.
"At your party?" Even as she said the words, she wanted to take them back. To live in the unknown. In the safety of oblivion and not-knowing.
Diana pressed her lips together, as if it pained her to say the words. Veronica knew it didn't. "The almost kiss. In my defense, I was very drunk. But nothing happened. I pulled back at the last moment because I thought of you. I am sure Chan wanted to pull back to."
Veronica felt herself fall. The surroundings disappearing. She knew she shouldn't trust Diana. Should talk to Chan before jumping to conclusions. Before making up her mind. In the back of her head she knew it didnt matter what had happened between Chan and Diana. It was in the past. But all of those voices faded into nothing. Diminishing over the roaring: Run. Run. Run. I told you. I told you. I told you.
She faintly remembered telling Diana that she had to go work. But all she did was sit on her desk and pray that for once in her life things would be different.