â CHRISâ
"My dad has my place ready... in New York," I said hesitantly, not looking at my mom as I leaned over, spelling out the word 'curious' on the scrabble board. I sat back after taking five new letters, and said, "I'm thinking of going down there next weekend. Check things out. And if... if you'd like to-"
"You don't need to ask, Christian. You're not driving two hours to go see... that man-"
"More for the apartment, mom," I cut into her rant, looking up.
She gave me a dry smile. One of the fake ones she uses when she's far from happy. "Of course." Her smile became more genuine with her next words. "While we're there you can get a feel of what kind of theme and furnishing you'd like to go with."
I couldn't help but smile back at her, shaking my head. "You're not buying my furniture mom." Her smile fell. "Dad is going to-"
"Aw, to hell with all of this 'dad this' and 'dad that'," she said nonchalantly, waving me off. I laughed. A deep, amused one from the pit of my stomach because the way my mother reacts to my dad was hilarious sometimes. There were instances where she'd go too far or I'd get slightly irritated with her jabs, but half the time I can't act like it's not fun to watch.
I used to think that was her way of covering up how much she was affected by her and my dad not working out, and sometimes I still do. I've always wanted to ask her how she felt about it even now. If she regrets how things ended and that she doesn't see her older son as much as she should. She talks to him over the phone a lot, but with both their schedules, they hardly get to see each other except for a couple of times a year. Mostly, I know that whenever she has a project or meeting in New York they always meet up, which is why I don't go. As much as I love my brother, we don't exactly get along. His constant need to outdo me for no reason just got tiring over the years and I settled with seeing him when I have no choice. For example, last Christmas.
Mom tried to convince me he's matured, and I can see it to some extent because Christmas wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But that's mostly because I never stayed in the same room with him for more than a few minutes. I'll keep it that way for a while longer. Maybe next time I see him, I'll let his big mouth speak for itself.
"Mom, I told you," I said with a grin as she avoided my gaze by spelling out a word on the board, "You've been providing for me this whole time. He'll take care of the expenses this time. You can always help me with the layout."
Her eyes rose to mine slowly and I grinned wider, wiggling my eyebrows until her face broke into a smile again.
"Could you at least tell me what your palette is?"
I chuckled, looking down at the board because my mind immediately went to lavender. And just like that, images of Ari popped in my head and almost every piece of clothing that she's worn in that color. Of course.
"I don't know," I said instead. "I'm thinking the same for my room upstairs." I sat back after I went my turn. "I'm gonna miss that room."
Her response was a wider smile. After a short moment, she said, "We can work something out. We'll make it the same theme, with... a splash of something different. More oak brown maybe."
"Can't wait," I told her with a smile. And I meant it. But that forsaken lavender color keeps pushing itself to the front of my mind.
"Now," she started, leaning over the board and spelling out 'common', "tell me why you're home on a Saturday night playing scrabble with your mother while your friends are at the arcade?"
I felt my smile turn into nothing but a tug at the corners of my lips. It was somewhat genuine because I thought of them having fun more than the fact that I wasn't there to join in.
It's been a week and a half since I confessed my feelings to Ari. And even though I didn't expect a sudden declaration of love from her, I can't say things went back to how they were. It was different now.
We both know I have feelings for her, and I don't know if she feels the same even a little bit. I haven't distanced myself from her too much, but I've officially taken to treating her like the rest of my friendsâlike a friend. I don't want to push her, I never do, and that's why I decided this was best.
It was easier when feelings weren't involved, when kissing her was a spur of the moment thing that just happened and there was nothing behind it. But now... I don't think I can handle another 'make out this hour and vow not to do it again the next' scenario. I wasn't angry or blaming her, it was just something I had to do for me. And my mentality. My heart.
I still take her home, and we still talk okay, it was just... different in a way.
There've been times when I thought I saw something in her expression. When she stared at me and got this far away look in her eyes and smile when I caught her gaze. I wanted to hold on to hope that maybe she might feel the same wayâthat she's just scaredâbut it leaves the second I think it. It's no use to hope, and that's why I've taken to distancing myself from her and treat her like I would anyone else in our group. I don't want her to be uncomfortable when I touch her just because she knows how I feel and that my closeness is a result of that, then guilty because she can't feel the same.
I knew she was out with our friends tonight and that's not exactly why I decided not to go. I noticed that she'd get awkward sometimes whenever I came around. Or nervous. I don't think she notices, but it's clear as day to me after being familiar with her body language for months.
I hate it, and it shouldn't drive me away from my friends but with that and not being in the mood, I just told them the truthâI wasn't up for it.
Smiling at my mom, I said, "What? I can't hang out with my mom anymore?" She gave me a look. I shrugged. "Like I told them, I wasn't up for it."
"You know you're leaving after graduation, right?" she said matter-of-factly, pointing at me. I pursed my lips and let out a heavy breath. "I noticed that since your fight last week, you've been dragging yourself around and moping. And I don't know what's going on with you, but don't let it take away the time you have left with your friends."
I thought about that and knew she was right. I've had the thought multiple times because it's not the first time I've declined an invitation since... that happened.
I just have a lot more to think about and sift through that it's been controlling my usually all-too-happy nature of hanging out with the guys.
"I have a week in between," I said, sliding down on my seat. The game was long abandoned now.
Weeks ago, I signed up for summer classes at Parsons. I hadn't told anyone other than my parents and I don't know why. Maybe I just didn't want the theatrics involved. But it wasn't just for classes. For those months I'm going to be putting my apartment together, adjusting to living on my own and getting used to campus. For some it might not be a big deal, they could handle it. But this was different for me because I didn't think I could manage being thrown fully into college life and living on my own all at once. I know a lot of people think I'm tough and this is probably why I don't say any of this out loud, but I do have a problem adjusting to new environments and these past months showed me I'm pathetically delicate when it comes to matters of the heart.
I know I'm going to miss my mom, my friends... It'll kill me. I'm not going to jump face-first into a different lifestyle and end up hightailing right back here. I needed to start out slow. That's why I'm taking two classes and coming back home a couple of times throughout summer.
When I spoke again, the words were truer than I thought they would be. "I have to get used to not being around them as much anymore," I told her lowly. "I'm not pulling away from them exactly, just... it'll be better for me."
She stared at me for a long moment then smiled a small smile. One that was mixed with pity and something pleasant.
"I know what you're thinking," I said teasingly, shaking my head at her. "I didn't get your fierceness-" she grins, unashamed, "-and as much as I really hate it, I've accepted this part of myself so-" I waved her off, my lips twitching into a smile at her amused laugh.
My mom had always known I was soft. It's not something she points out, but she knows. Unlike my brother, instead of making me feel like crap about it, she just supports me whenever I'm going through a messy patch. Like now.
"Well," she started, then got up from her chair and made her way around the coffee table to drop down next to me, "you might not have inherited all of my fierceness, but you wanna know a secret?" Her voice had dropped to a dramatic whisper by the end of that. Her arm tucked behind my shoulders and I rested my head on her chest.
"What?" I said, snuggling into her.
"You're just like your dad when he was your age," she said lowly and I felt something press against my hair.
"Really?" My eyebrows furrowed and I had a hard time believing that because my dad... I was nothing like him, that's for sure.
Other than looking like him, there wasn't much else. My dad was confident, always seemed to be sure of everything, and most importantly, always intact with his emotions.
She hummed. "Since high school. He got picked on sometimes because of how sensitive he was. And whenever he spoke to me he was always sweating and stuttering-"
"No way," I said with a grin. I could see it almost perfectly but still had a hard time believing it because I don't think I'd ever seen my dad stutter.
"I swear, I'm not making this up. Only reason I never brought it up before is because I swore secrecy," she confessed, and my grin got wider. "He used to be so hell-bent on not letting you boys find out how he used to be back then. He was embarrassed about it, but I don't owe him anything." I shook my head in amusement when she paused.
She continued. "The next time you feel insecure or embarrassed because of who you are," her hold tightened, "just remember your father was ten times worse." I couldn't help the snort I let out, but she quickly cut in with, "And not in a bad way. But because he turned out okay after all of it. Even though I hate his guts."
I smiled but sighed. We were quiet for a while and I replayed her words in my head multiple times. It was still hard to believe my dad was anything other than who he was now but even I know that's not realistic. I know my mom would never lie to me about something like this and the more I kept thinking about it, the more real it got. And I started feeling better. Like she said, not because he used to struggle with that part of himself, but because he's grown from that, which means so will I.
"Do you ever miss him?" I said it without thinking. I didn't mean to ask, but I didn't take it back. She didn't have to respond, and if she didn't, I wouldn't push it.
I gave up on waiting for a reply after a while and closed my eyes. I tried to stop thinking. For days I've been thinking, overthinking, and thinking some more, and maybe it was time to take my mom's advice and stop. To just enjoy what time I have left here. It shouldn't be a hard decision, but it was because I was an overthinker, especially when it came to things like this. I thought distancing myself a little at a time would be beneficial in the long run, and maybe it was, but I still didn't want to regret not spending more time with my friends before it was too late.
"He was my best friend."
I opened my eyes and found myself staring at the blank TV across the room. She didn't say anything after that, and she didn't need to because that's all the answer I needed.
â¤â â¤
I opted out of every plan my friends made for the rest of the weekend. It wasn't planned. I told myself that I would at least join them a couple more times, but I didn't think they'd plan three other things between Saturday night and Monday morning.
It was hard coming up with excuses, but I was forward about not wanting to leave my house. Last week it was easier because I was sick for the rest of the week and had Jess pick me up and drop me off for school until I felt better. Of course, she argued with me every day that I should keep my 'nastiness at home.' I ignored her.
After the arcade on Saturday, a couple of them went out for brunch on Sunday. That one I got out of easily because I'd switch to working the morning shift on the weekends a couple of weeks back. Around three they texted me that they're all going to the skating rink later that night. That one was easy to get out of too because half the time I don't go with them to the rink. But then after that, they made a last-minute trip to the beach. That one was harder.
My friends and I were always taking random trips to the beach when it was nice out. Most of the time it wasn't planned, we just ended up there. Just to sit and talk and enjoy just being there. They know I can't turn the invitation down, so when I made up a crappy excuse for why I can't go, I knew they'd figure out something was up with me.
And they did. Nate called me and after answering the Facetime call, it was Thion's face that stared back at me. It was a painful five minutes of him trying to drill me into confessing something was up. I didn't crack. Mostly because Mar had snatched the phone and had a small hi and bye sesh where she asked me if I was okay, I said yes, she asked if I was sure, I confirmed, then she blew me a kiss and hung up.
The rest of Sunday night was spent with me in bed, the lights off, and staring out at the sky and thinking about how much fun they were having. Surprisingly, I didn't feel left out but I did think of showing up multiple times. I didn't.
Ari never texted or called, but I knew she was with them. They tried to use her as bait to get me out of my house. When not even that worked, I know they definitely knew something was up. I'm actually surprised they didn't show up at my door, but I knew someone must've suggested doing that at some point.
Monday morning was a bit terrifying for me as a result of me avoiding them all weekend. Let's just say my friends didn't take rejection well, especially if it came from anyone in our group. And I've been rejecting them too much in the last, almost, two weeks.
I didn't try to meet up with anyone and I purposefully sat in my car listening to music until there were ten minutes left before the first bell rang.
I did the same for my second class. Only I was about five minutes from my class and was chatting it up with some of my lacrosse acquaintances. I walked into Pre-calc just as the bell went and gave Thion and Heath subtle nods as I made my way to my seat.
Our teacher had a system for the class. Each month, she would rotate groups, and every other month we got to pick our groups, so she had the privilege of having Thion, Ari, Heath, and I in one group the second month of the class. The catch though is that when we pick our groups again, we can't have the same people as last time. So, this time, we weren't in four different corners of the room like that first month, we chose different groups but still tried to be close enough that we could still take at most five steps and get to each other.
Ari's group was right next to mine and the best part was, we were practically sitting right next to each other. I could slide my chair over to her in two seconds.
But when I turned my head to the side and looked at her, her eyes were trained on whatever she was doodling in her notebook. It would've looked natural if it wasn't obvious that she was angled away from me a bit awkwardly. Something she never did. At least not when we were on good terms.
I wanted to say hi but bit my lip to stop myself. It wasn't a 'hell no' on my current 'to do and not to do' list I made for her, so I don't know why it was difficult for me to. Then I thought of texting it to her instead and was reaching into my pocket when our teaching came into class and closed the door behind her. Then the late bell rang.
Since last week, this class has been getting longer and longer. I've been staring at the clock for the last five minutes of class and it took half an hour for the bell to ring. For some reason, our teacher wanted to teach until the very last minute today and everyone was busy putting their things away after the bell rang.
As I got my bag from the floor and lifted it onto my desk, I was pulled out of my chair aggressively by none other than Thion.
I sighed, muttering, "Nathion," exasperatedly. I had no clue what he was doing, but I was guessing he was pissed that I kept blowing their plans off on the weekend. But when I looked at him, he was smiling.
"Sorry," he said, smoothing out my collar. "Just giving them a show." Letting out an amused breath through my nose, I shook my head.
Something occurred to me and I turned quickly to Ari, but she wasn't at her seat. I peered around Nathion then over his shoulder. She already left. For some reason, thinking of why she had made my skin prickle and I reached up to massage the space between my brows, then push my hair off my forehead anxiously.
"So," Thion said, rocking back and forth on his feet, "what's up?"
I shook my head. "I shouldn't have told her. I shouldn't have said anything." I gripped the strap of my bag, pulling it off the desk angrily and slipping one strap onto my shoulder.
"Okay, okay, calm down." Thion held his hands up like he was trying to tame a rabid dog and I huffed in frustration. It wasn't because of him, but with the situation. "I knew y'all were acting a little distant but I'm pretty sure all you have to do is just sit down and talk about it."
I'd told Thion the same day that I told Ari how I felt. He'd stared at me with his mouth hanging open, the chewed-up piece of apple he'd been eating on display, until he snapped out of it and declared that it was a good thing. I didn't believe him, and how things have been going right now, I still don't.
I lowered my voice to a whisper. "That's the thing, she doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want it to be real. I hardly got to explain how I felt the first time. She basically saw where it was going and kept freaking out and cutting me off." I already told him all of this, but I was bringing it up again because the more I thought back to the day, the more I regretted even admitting it to myself.
"Now, she's either nervous around me or just doesn't want to talk to me. I feel like the only reason why she hasn't gotten back on the bus to go home is to spare my feelings," I told him. We made our way to the exit. "I don't need my feelings spared, okay? At least not like this. This is worse."
Thion let out a loud, dramatic breath. "I honestly have no clue what to tell you."
I turned my blank gaze on him and stared at him silently, then the second we were in the hall, I broke away from him. I waved him off over my head when he kept shouting my name, but I could tell he was amused about the whole thing. I'd just have to figure it out on my own.
"I guess I'll try and talk to her again," I mumbled under my breath.
The cafeteria was packed as usual, but it didn't take long for me to spot my table in the chaos, with them being one of the loudest spots in the room and all.
Ari wasn't at the table and I found myself slowing as I got closer, my eyes still flickering across every face. Yep, she wasn't there. And I had a good idea of where she might be.
"Hey, look who it is!" I didn't see who shouted that, but I practically ignored the collective greetings of my name and a bunch of 'hey's thrown in.
"Where's Ari?" I pointed, looking at the empty chair next to Jess where she usually sat.
"Not here," Carlos said, leaning forward. He chewed as he spoke. "You two fighting again? Cause it's starting to seem a bit toxic." That I didn't entirely disagree with and I plan to change it before it happens.
I made my way to an empty chair and placed my bag on the seat. "I'll go get her," I said, placing my hands on the back of the chair.
"What'd you do this time?"
Ignoring that and who it came from, I reach down to snatch a fry from Nate's plate. He stabbed me with his pencil. Yes, he was one of those people who did homework at lunch sometimes and today was not my day.
I cried out but popped the fry into my mouth before staring down at the small scrape on my hand that was already bleeding.
"Lead poisoning, dude," I said between chews and took a napkin from the table to press against the scrape. He just shrugged and went back to what he was doing.
"What did you do!"
I looked up and they were all staring at me. I'd decided in my time of contemplating my life that I wasn't going to tell them anything. Thion might know, but I know he won't say anything. But from here on out, anything that happens between me and Ari is going to stay with me. She can tell whoever she wanted, but anyone who comes to me will be successfully ignored.
So grinning, I took an apple from Shannon's tray next and stepped back while biting into it. She turned and gave me a murderous look and I smiled as well as I could with my mouth full. I swallowed most of it and called out, "I'll bring her back!"
I walked into the library already looking for her and she was easy to spot. From the entrance of the room, I could see between every bookcase, but on the right of the last bookcase in the middle of the room, there were sitting areas. That's where she was. She sat at the desk in the back corner, next to the shelf pushed against the wall.
I smiled at the librarian who sat at her desk near the entrance and went past the computer stations. I didn't take my eyes off her and as I got closer I tried to tilt my head to make out what she was reading. Then I quickly found myself trying to find out if I should sit across from her or next to her.
Because I didn't have enough seconds to think about it more, I went with what could be the safest option. I sat across from her. It was only after I sat that I realized that she could easily throw the book at my face if this goes south and sitting next to her would've been better because then I could stop her quicker. It was too late because she looked up a second after I sat.
"Hey," I said lowly. When she kept staring at me, her expression bland, I cleared my throat and added, "Wanna come to lunch?"
Her eyes went back to her book and she said, "I'm busy."
I pressed my lips together because as much as I knew how cranky she got when I interrupted her reading... "Ari, you need to eat."
"I did eat," she said firmly, not looking up again. "This morning."
I let out a humorless laugh and suddenly I was thinking about when exactly we became this pair; always fighting or having a misunderstanding. I despised it. I just wanted us to be good and stay good.
"What happened to us?" My voice came out in a whisper because I hadn't meant to say that out loud.
She closed her book then and sat it down. I knew this was going to be huge because she didn't bookmark it. She never closed a book before bookmarking it.
"What happened to you?" she retorted, her voice a low hiss as she leaned across the table. "Cause I'm fine. I just... can't keep up with you anymore-"
"Me?" I said incredulously.
"Yes," she whisper-shouted, "you! For like two weeks now you've been distant, and I don't know what I did this time, b-"
"Wait, Ari." By some miracle, she actually stopped and waited for me to say something. "You're not... you're not ignoring me because of..."
She made a funny face, blinking rapidly. "No! Not at first anyway, but then I noticed that you- you acted like you didn't want to be around me, so I tried to make it easier for you."
I didn't know what to say. I sat there staring at her with my mouth open. My mind wandered to the last couple of days and I realized that she was right. I never explained it to her, so obviously she'd think the way she was.
"Stop looking at me like that. You even stopped coming out with us." Her voice had gotten quieter when she said the last statement and her eyes fell to my chest.
Groaning, I leaned forward, folding my arms on the table in front of me and burying my face in them. Seconds later, I felt her nudging my arm. When I sat up, I placed my hands on my face and ran them down slowly.
"That wasn't my intention," I said hoarsely. I brought my eyes to her after a quiet moment. "I didn't want you to feel like I was pushing you, so I was giving you space."
"I don't need space, Chris," she said with a laugh that sounded more flustered and frustrated than amused. Her voice had risen a little. She stopped, breathing deeply while I was once again stunned into silence.
"You don't?"
She shook her head. "I really don't."
"You don't feel pressured?"
"No," she said slowly, practically spelling out the two letters in the word. "I feel pissed because instead of talking to me about it, you made the decision to give me space and basically cut your friends off."
"They're your friends too."
"That's not what I- Chris." She was visibly becoming frustrated with me and all I wanted to do was pause everything for a minute, then press fast forward to when this was all over and we were fine again.
Getting up, I made my way around the table and took the chair next to her. She'd sat back before I'd even gotten there, but even as my knee pressed against her thigh she didn't look at me. Her natural hair was up in a bun so I appreciated that I could see her face clearly.
"I know, I'm just- I want you to be comfortable with me."
She turned to me. Like, turned completely around, making me move back so she could adjust both her legs so they were between mine. "And I love that you do," she said softly. Pathetically, my skin prickled with goosebumps and I had to force my heart to slow down.
She chewed on her lip, staring down between us and my heart picked right back up when she reached for my hand. When she finally touched me, I half wished a demon would come up from hell and rip the thing from my chest because now I couldn't breathe.
"But I'd appreciate it more if you didn't guess what you thought I wanted and take my choices away from me," she said, squeezing my hand. "Okay?"
I nodded because if I tried to speak, I'm not sure I'd be very successful. We stared at each other until she bit her lip. My eyes went straight for the action, but I quickly looked back up. Her lips twitched and she turned her head away, failing to hide a smile.
A smile made its way to my lips because I couldn't help it. "What?" I said, leaning forward to see her face better.
She quickly shook her head. "Nothing." She was grinning now.
My eyebrows furrowed and my smile widened. "No, tell me. What are you saying about me in your head?"
She laughed lowly, untangling our hands slowly so she could turn around again. "It's nothing." She struggled to stop smiling as she took her book back up and flipped it open.
I sat there, staring at her and waiting, but she was fully engrossed in her book and never looked up from it once. Mostly, I was admiring her profile, but this was an excuse to do it openly.
I let myself indulge in her entirely, from the way she blinked to how she licked her bottom lip before biting down on it and slowly dragging her teeth over the flesh. It was probably the hottest thing I've ever seen and I struggled to tell myself we're in school where there are eyes around every corner waiting to catch us in the action. And she'd probably slap me if I kissed her again.
It's been weeks since we last kissed and if I could admit to having feelings for her, I can easily say I've missed her kisses. I couldn't begin to count the number of times I was a second away from pulling her to me in front of everyone and kissing her until she couldn't breathe. But I'm counting down the days for when I get to do it. Kiss her in front of our friends and family and even strangers without restraint.
"You're not coming to lunch?" my voice came out lower than it should've and I saw her hands tighten on her book.
"I am at lunch," she tried to be cool about it, but her voice cracked.
I smirked, leaning closer and pretending to look at her book. "You should eat. What are you reading anyway?"
"Chris." Her voice trailed off. I knew it was supposed to be a reprimand because I was interrupting her, but it came out... low and feather-like. I didn't know if that was a thing, but it was now. She tilted her head to the side a little, giving me a clear view of the smooth skin of her neck. And down the front of her shirt.
I got up quickly and she jerked in her seat.
"What the hell?" she said lowly, looking up at me.
"Coming or staying?" I raised my eyebrows, trying not the think about what her simplest of reactions were stirring in me.
She stared up at me quietly and I could see her trying to figure out what made me so jumpy.
I snapped at her with a playful grin. "Come on. We have like half an hour left."
She pouted before sighing and closing her bookâafter placing her bookmark between the pages this time.
"I'm tired of being human," I heard her mutter and I laughed loud enough that I heard a loud 'sshhh' come from somewhere, making me press my lips together.
I gave Ari a sheepish smile and she rolled her eyes mockingly.