â¤ARIANAâ¤
Chris pulled the SUV into a space outside my complex and slumped back in his seat. He let out an exhausted breath, his head tilted back with his eyes closed.
I turned to him, smiling. I undid my seatbelt and got up on my knees, placing my elbows on the center console. I pushed myself closer to him and ran my fingernail down the length of his neck slowly. He groaned. I pulled my hand back and dropped my chin in my palm, staring up at him.
"Tired?"
He let out a deep breath. "I feel like I could sleep for days. I'm pretty sure I had a total of ten hours of sleep this whole weekend," he grumbled.
My eyes went to the dashboard. It was a little past eleven but there were enough lights on outside the row of buildings so it wasn't too dark.
I can unashamedly say that this weekend was the most fun I'd ever had in New York and I lived there my whole life. It's just something about these peopleâthey make me enjoy everything by being there with me.
Despite us going to the arcade dozens of times, this time was different. I don't know if it's because we were in a different state, but the whole thing was another level type of fun. I was bummed that the rest of our friends couldn't join us though. If it was a shitty trip, I would be more than happy to tell them that, but we had a great time.
On Saturday we got to see Chris's apartment and even though there was nothing in there, it was hot as hell. I loved itâeverything about itâand I made sure to tell him.
I went as far as letting him know I was going to be his roommate when I start collegeâif I get into Parsons, anyway. He agreed with a shrug that was supposed to be nonchalant but he was grinning like a kid who took something he shouldn't have and no one knew. We both knew our moms would kill us. But they don't need to know every aspect of our lives.
After we saw his place, we all went out for foodâmostly for us kids who have to eat every two hours. To be specific, we kids walked to Central Park, which took us about an hour, and we immediately found a subway and ordered enough food for twenty people, before heading to the park to find Chris's parents.
We took in some cites along the way which was the reason for it in the first place, but also to give Charlotte and Zeke some time talk for a while without us being there eavesdropping, something we'd definitely do.
We got there, ate, sat around getting loud for a while, played stupid games like tag. The guys snuck a football out with them and Jess had cards, so that was fun. We fed ducks and it was absolutely adorable!
By the time we were ready to move on, we only had a few more hours before Charlotte and Zeke threatened to leave us. We told them to go and we'd uber back but they said no even though they were the ones threatening us. We took that time to visit the Met Museum that was like two minutes away so we all walked there.
We stayed there until around nine that night, and as we'd been leaving, everyone practically begged Charlotte for us to stay out a little longer. We tried telling her and Zeke we'd be back at the house earlier than three in the morning this time but she didn't believe us, or she didn't care. Because of that, we ended up not wreaking havoc in the big apple. It was kind of a sour ride back the house but once I jumped into the shower, I was fine and so was everyone else.
We all ended up staying in the outhouse. Chris didn't mind as long as no one was in his room. I really think the guy had issues.
I don't know if we all decided to stay with Chris after what happened that morning but I know Jess, Thion, and I did. I simply didn't feel okay being in that house and I didn't say it to a soulâjust got my still packed bag and hopped houses that morning.
It was midnight when Zeke and Char showed up in the living room where we all lounged around talking shit. Apparently, they had a little talk with Gina, or whatever her name was, and she was no longer there anymore. I didn't know if that was code for "they broke up" or he kicked the bitch out, but it was good enough for me.
Knowing Charlotte, the lady probably ran out of the house bawling her eyes out. However, since we were all already settled in, we decided to make it a party and just stay there for the night.
On Sunday, we all packed up to get on the road early when Chris announced that he was taking me to Brooklyn to see my dad. I'd tried to talk him out of it and not because I didn't want to see my dad, but I didn't want to be a bother when we should've been going home. He wasn't hearing any of my crap though and about an hour later I was standing at the door of my old house and smiling widely up at my father.
That was it for me. That last piece of thread between me and Chris. The past couple of days, I found it more difficult than usual to keep my eyes off him, especially with him being so... him. I didn't realize how much I'd missed him until we went back to our normal.
I don't know what came over me this weekend. Especially when I'd jumped him in the bathroom. I struggled to tune it down the next day, but that night... we ended up sleeping in his bed and sometime during the night- something happened.
We'd found each other blindly in our sleep and I remember our lips touching in our sleepy haze. Our hands had been roaming each other and our bodies were moving, and then... nothing. We'd fallen asleep again.
"Wanna stay over? I can ask my mom. She won't say no. Especially if you'll end up falling asleep at the wheel."
He turned his head toward me and opened his eyesâbarely. His lashes were low and his voice gruff as he said, "I think I'm good. I have enough energy for another twenty-minute drive."
My eyebrows raised. "Sure?"
He hummed, reaching up to brush his thumb under my eye. It was just for a second before his hand dropped but it almost had me choking on nothing.
"Go before she comes out here to see what's taking you so long," he said with a tired smile.
"Are you sure you don't want to come up?" I said worriedly.
He let out a laugh but it didn't downplay that he was still tired. "I'm fine. I'm just being grumpy." He sat up then, running his hands over his face aggressively and slapping his cheeks a couple of times. "See, I just gave myself ten more minutes of energy."
I eyed him, fighting back a smile before I pulled back and righted myself. "Thanks for inviting me," I said, only half teasing.
He made a funny face like what I was saying made no sense. "It wouldn't be a trip without you."
"Aww," I cooed but his words were like a fluffy blanketâwarming me everywhere, inside and out. "Touché." I send him another over the top grin before pushing the SUV door open and hopping out.
I did a show of stretching out my legs while pulling my leggings up and pulling my wedgie. He noticed and threw his head back, laughing maniacally.
Another reason why I couldn't resist him anymore; I didn't have to pretend around him. He didn't care. He sincerely wanted to see me comfortable and myself. Not that I go around pulling my wedgie around him all the time or farting, but it's nice to know I can if I really needed to. I'll never fart anywhere near him though, I don't care how comfortable I am.
The thought of him leaving had finally imprinted itself into my brain. It's going to happen and I don't want to regret not doing something or showing him how I feel even if I won't say it.
"You know how Keystones are starting next week?" he said. I stepped forward, close to the car. It was high enough that I rested my elbows on the seat and didn't go down too much. Or I'm short as hell.
Keystone testing happened twice a yearâeach semester. I think it was some test high school kids had to do for college and do it each year. If they pass them the first time, they don't have to take them every year and they get a few days off like the rest of us fortunate souls.
I nodded, reaching for my mini Jansport bag on the floor of the car.
I'd already slipped it on when he asked, "Wanna hang out?"
From the look on his face, I knew it wasn't our typical hangout. If it was only us, there would be no going back to the usual. But I didn't dwell on it too much. I told myself it was the same as ever even though I knew it wasn't.
I nodded.
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"Are you sure you're okay... being here?" Chris said. His expression and body showed how worried he was. "Does your m- did you tell your mom you were coming?" he said again, even though my mouth was open and I was going to speak. I closed it and let him keep going.
We stood outside one of the most well-known malls in our region. The same mall I'd been the last time.
I watched him tug at his hairâhis nerves out of control. He was taking this harder than me. Actually, seeing him this unhinged was kind of taking my mind away from what I was about to do and I needed that.
When he dropped his hands, I took them hesitantly. "Chris," I almost sang, "I'm fine. And no I didn't tell my mom. She'd do too much."
"She has every right to do too much, Ari," he said, frustrated. I dropped his hands, not liking his tone. He was right but his words were bringing on a wave of panic I'd been suppressing. "You were sh-"
"I know what happened." My tone was harsh. I lowered it with my next words. "Should I be scared of the mall for the rest of my life? Prom's coming and I need a dress."
He opened his mouth, but Julia's voice cut him off from a few feet away. Our friends waited for us patientlyâfor Chris to get over his freakout. Or maybe it was just me.
I hadn't told Chris I was coming with them. Keystones started today and those who didn't have to take them didn't have to go to school. When I spoke to Jess on the phone and she let me know they were going on a shopping spreeâplanned weeks ago and I had no clueâ, I acted impulsively.
I invited myself and since then, everyone's been dropping subtle questions, asking if I really wanted to go. Chris was the first to outright address the issue and be straightforward with his concerns.
I understood and appreciated it, but I was doing spectacular before he started giving me a reason to doubt this. He was putting me in a bad mood and we've been on a 'good' streak since our relationship went into that downward spiral a while back that we worked on.
Looking away from him, I said, "Whatever, Chris. If it's bothering you that much, just take me home or call me an uber."
He stuttered, and it took him a moment to get his words together. He started to explain something that sounded apologetic but stopped soon after. Instead, he went with, "You're sure?"
Then he gave me that look of his. It was mixed with worry, uncertainty, and demand. I hated it as much as I adored it because it made me second guess my decision even more.
"I don't know," I admitted, keeping my eyes away from his. I didn't wait for him to reply. "I just- I want to go dress shopping for prom with my friendsâsomething I never planned or thought I'd be doing at all. I want to move on from what happened."
We stayed silent for a while. I felt his stareâhim trying to find an emotion to set him off and drag me to his car to take me home. I didn't give him one. At least I don't think I did.
Feeling him staring at me was hard enough that I had no clue what kind of expression I was wearing. My face got incredibly warm and if he didn't stop looking at me like he was about to dissect me I was going to flip.
"Just tell me if you're uncomfortable or anything. Okay?"
I nodded, reaching up to scratch my cheek nervously with my index finger. It felt like my entire body was itching and the warmth in my face ran over me like a heatwave.
It might've been the shock or realization of where I was and where I will be in a moment that sent my body into panic mode. If mind to reciprocated, I knew I'd back out. It was already getting a little hard to breathe.
"Ariana."
I looked up at Chris. His eyes were already on meâstill worried and unsure. All I had to do was say the word and he'd take me home.
He silently took the few steps to me and slipped his arm behind me, his hand landing on my back. He didn't force me to move, his way of urging me forward on my own time.
"Are we ready?" Jess asked hesitantly when we got close enough to them.
Chris said something while I nodded. For a moment, we stood there. The silenceâsomething they never areâdeafening and tense.
"Man, can we go?" Thion said. I looked up when he walked toward me. I gave a small smile and took the hand he held out to me. "I'm stealing her," he said to Chris, pulling me into him.
"Of course, you are," Chris muttered.
Thion wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against him, leaving no space between us. Like always, I inhaled deeply, closing my eyes when his cologne hit me. I felt better already. When his hands started rubbing up and down my back, pressing against my skin firmly through my top, I could see our life together twenty years from now.
Thion kept his arm tightly around me and stayed in the center of our crowd. I didn't think much, just focused on what they were saying. Their loudness finally came back as they decided where they were going to go first and whether they should split up.
As much as I tried not to, I found myself wondering why I was there. I had no clue what kind of dress I wanted, and I couldn't focus. My mind scattered the second we'd entered the building and it took all my energy to keep my thoughts in the moment and not the past.
We finally decided to split up. The girls didn't want the guys to see what dresses they were getting, so naturally, that was the best thing to do. The hardest part of that was getting Chris to leave.
It took all the girls shouting at him to go before he backed off. It didn't help that Thion was on his side either. I wasn't fine, but I didn't tell them that. If I had he would've definitely dragged me out of there or carried me if he was determined.
All I had to do was find a stupid dress and call it a day.
I was okay whenever we went into stores and the girls wanted help picking something out or someone to tell them how it looked. It was something specific to concentrate on.
I tried on a few dresses but nothing that felt right. It sucked because I'd hate to not find anything after throwing logic away and coming here.
We went through four stores in about two hours, but I wasn't the only one who hadn't found a dress. That didn't really make me feel better because that meant we'll be there longer than we needed to be and I still hadn't called or texted my mom to let her know where I was. She'll kill me.
We were currently in some boutique with a French name and I was looking at all the dresses, but nothing caught my eye. They were all beautiful, they just didn't click for me. At the moment, I wasn't very excited for prom and I wasn't a dress person either. I can say those were my excuses for now. But I'd be partially lying because all I wanted was to leave.
It was ridiculousâgoing through all this mess and paying hundreds of dollars for a dress for a high school event. I didn't even like the school. I do the darndest thing for these people. Didn't matter how much I didn't want to go, I'm forcing myself into one of these deathtraps and I'm going to have a great time with my friends.
Right now, I wanted to go home and curl up under my covers somewhere and feel safe. I didn't want to be doing thisânot hereâand my thoughts reflected that.
It didn't take long for me to give up and find somewhere to sit down. I watched a few of them go into dressing rooms and come out looking like Cinderella and I was happy to see it. But the selfish bitch in me couldn't help think I wouldn't look nearly as good as they did.
Jess came out in a black gown that was tight around her chest and hugged her torso before flaring out at her waist gently, down to the floor. It was an off the shoulder dress that had lace-sequence designs stitched into the bodice and stopping a couple of inches past her waist and following the dress's design. The bottom of the dress was a soft, almost shiny fabric that looked a lot like silk.
We cheered and Jess turned in a slow circle, showing us a deep V that went all the way down to the bottom of her back, exposing more of her skin. We all knew that was her dress and the huge smile on her face said the same.
She changed back soon after taking some pictures to send her mom and went to look for shoes. Some of the other girls went to try on dresses, but since I don't think I want to afford any of them, I went to help Jess choose a pair of heels.
"You didn't see anything you liked?"
I shook my head. "Not really."
She set down a pair of shiny black heeled sandals she'd been eyeing and turned to me fully. "What do you like?"
My lips pursed and I shook my head slowly again. "I... don't know... right now."
She clapped and I could tell she was about to start blurting out a bunch of words I'd have to struggle to keep up with. But when her mouth opened, she stopped and stared at me.
Blinking a few times, I gave her a moment but when she still didn't say anything, my eyes widened. "What?" I said, letting out a nervous laugh.
She dropped her hands. "Are you okay?"
I tilted my head back, eyeing her hesitantly. "Yeah..." She went on staring, not responding. Eventually, I sighed. "I don't know. This whole time I've been... just questioning why I'm here. I don't know what I'm doing."
"Is that it?"
Before, I was barely keeping it together. I tried to keep out of my own head and tune into their conversations, which made this more tolerable.
But I dreaded someone coming up to me and asking me this exact question.
Blinking back my tears didn't help because they were already falling. "I don't know why I came here." My voice came out frail and broken. I struggled to believe I was the one who spoke, but I couldn't think about it for long.
I stood there, feeling vulnerable and scaredâknowing it was my stubbornness that got me into this situation. It always got me into the worst situations. And everything I felt from all the way back when the accident happened came rushing through me; the pain and helplessnessâfeeling aloneâall of it had my body trembling.
I couldn't see her face but when I felt her arms around me, I let her hug me. I was sobbing too much to do anything else or even hear what she was saying.
I tried to explain to her through my tears and sobs that all I wanted was to go back to normalâto go dress shopping with my friends like any other teenager before prom. That I told myself it had been months, I was fine. But not even the first few words came outright. It just sounded like a blubbering mess.
All the while Jess let me soak through the shoulder of her shirt, all I thought about was my dad. That I wanted to be with him and away from here. It had only been a few days since I'd last seen him and I started getting into the habit of calling him every night before bed and I missed him.
It was fucked up that I couldn't think about my mom right now, but he was the only person I wanted to talk to.
I heard multiple voices come up and ask if we were okayâme specifically. It only made me cry harder.
A while later, I was still taking up Jess's personal space, trying to hide as much of myself against her as I could because I could feel more than hear everyone around us. I didn't want to pull away because this might be one of the most embarrassing moments I'd ever gotten myself into.
Then I heard Chris's voice.
At first, I couldn't imagine how he knew I would've broken down at some point, but then I figured one of the girls could've easily called him. I didn't turn to him right away. If anything, I angled myself away from him.
He'd seen me at my worseâat this kind of lowâbut it was more the fact that he knew. He knew I wasn't ready to be here and so did I. I had no clue what I was trying to prove by coming here, but if the image of my sobbing, shaking body wasn't enough...
"Baby," he said lowly, his tone gruff and breathy like he ran across the mall to get here. Knowing him, he probably did.
He kept talking to me, not caring that Jess had ears and could quite easily pick up something sketchy in his affectionate tone. At this point, I think the only thing Chris hadn't done in front of our friends is kiss me, and by the looks I get from him every day, I know they already suspected something. This most likely isn't new to Jess.
By how clearer his low words were, I knew he'd gotten closer but I only got some of what he was been saying.
When I felt his hand rest gently on my lower back, I didn't thinkâmy body reacted instantly. I pulled away from Jess, hiding my face behind my hands before pressing my forehead to his chest.
His hand on my back became firmer and so did his words of encouragement. His other hand reached up to hold the back of my neck, his fingers tickling the curls he found there. He said something louder that I didn't even try to listen to before I felt a few gentle pats and rubs to my back.
Chris didn't speak for a while. He just held me in the middle of the store. A few times I thought someone would come over and kick us out, but it didn't happen. Probably because they felt sorry for me.
"Hey." His body shifted and I pulled my head away a little to rest my cheek against his shoulder when he leaned down. He spoke next to my ear. "Wanna go?" I wasn't too deep in my head to notice that he tried covering me with his body. I curled into him even more.
I did want to go. I didn't know where, but I didn't want to go home, and I didn't want to be here.
But what I said was, "But I haven't found a dress."
My eyelids felt heavy when I tried to open them and I had to blink a few times to clear my lashes from the tears stuck to them and blurring my sight. It didn't matter if I could see though, because I ended up just staring at the side of his neck and under his jaw.
"If you weren't crying right now, I would've fought you for saying that," he said, just a small hint of humor in his voice.
"But I haven't." I pulled away to look up at his face, not caring anymore if people saw me ugly crying. The sobs had toned down, but my chest still heaved every couple of seconds. Embarrassing. "I came here for a dress and I couldn't even focus on getting one-"
"Arianna, stop worrying about a stupid dress right now," he said, his voice dropped to a low tone. My eyelashes fluttered as I blinked when he placed both his hands on my face, wiping away the wetness. I was crying so much I knew I wasn't letting out those cute little one teardrops. My whole face was a mess and I'm sure my nose was running. "We're leaving."
"Okay," I whispered, getting lost in his eyes. He had brown eyes. They weren't dark like mine, but they weren't light brown either. It didn't matter because he had the prettiest eyes I've ever seen.
Someone came up to us and I turned my head away slightly. Chris turned my gaze back to him, dabbing a napkin all over my face before I even knew what was going on.
He tried to be goofy about it and as much as I didn't want to; I smiled. Until he put the napkin over my nose and ordered me to "blow". That's when I let out a muffled laugh, and he reciprocated.
As I took the thing from him and blew my stuffy nose, I knew I'd always feel safe with him. Because he knew how to make me laugh when I wasn't in the moodâhe knew how to take my fear away without even knowing he could. But I knew he could because I felt safest with him.
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At noon on Thursday, I ran around the house, searching for last minutes things around the house that I'd need today.
I was spending the day with Chris. Well, actually, I was spending a couple of hours with him until he had to go to work. But we promised to hang out and that's what we were going to do. At his house. With his mom not home. And neither of our moms knowing we were- but we're hanging out! It's not gonna kill anybody. Unless our moms found out.
I had my school bag packed with my pre-calc notes and textbook because we had assignments to do before I helped him pick out furniture for his apartment. I have to say I'm more excited about that than calculus.
He and his mom had already started on it and I've seen a couple of things that had me really impressed. It made me even more excited for Charlotte to start mentoring me. We already started with the basics, but because finals are coming up in the next week or so, she said I should focus more on studying because we had all of summer and my senior year to perfect my nonexistent skills. I added the nonexistent part though. Charlotte thinks I catch on fast and that I'll be an expert soon and that was probably the best thing I'd heard all year.
But when we came back from New York, she was already making boards and adding furniture to the photos she'd taken of the apartment. I've seen the digital version and all her boards for each of the rooms. Chris had sent me photos and videos on Snapchat and was going to show me them today.
I was snatching my phone up from the couch and biting into an apple when I heard honking from outside. I didn't even have to check that it was him. I was already grabbing my keys and heading out, muttering "I'm coming, asshole," when he kept honking.
Even as I got outside and made my way toward the car, he was still honking despite looking right at me. I saw him see me.
It sounded like he was going off some tune and stopped only a few seconds after I'd been standing by the passenger door, staring at him blankly through the open window.
He grinned, showing me all thirty-two, and said, "Hey."
"Really?" I said, trying my best to keep my blank face on but I failed. Like I always do.
I got into the car and tossed my bag in the back.
"Want some brunch?" He said, pulling out of the spot.
"I have some brunch." I showed him the apple before biting into it again.
"You know what I think," he said, ignoring me. He leaned back in his seat with one hand on the wheel when he turned onto the main road. And of course, my stomach dropped, and my eyes moved from the tips of his hair, all the way down to his foot on the accelerator. He was so fine, it hurt.
"I think I'm going to stop buying fast food," he said.
"I would benefit from that too," I said teasingly. I bit my lip to hide a smile.
The events from yesterday played in my head for some reason. It's been on replay ever since it happened.
After my breakdown, we convinced our friends to stay and keep shopping while Chris took me "home". We both knew that wasn't going to happen. No way in hell was he leaving me alone.
I clung to him the entire time he led us back to where we entered the building so he could find his car easier. At one point I almost asked him to carry me so I could be closer to him but I didn't doubt that in that time he would've done it. And knowing how people are in this day and age, I didn't need any more photos of us roaming the internet than what already was. No one knew how happy I am that my mom didn't mess with social media like she once did.
Once we'd gotten outside, I finally felt like I could breathe, and he gave me space to do it. But then he'd said to me, "You want to go get some books?"
There was a Barnes & Noble thereâone I forgot all about until he said that. I hadn't responded, just stared at him, because I wanted to say yes but at the same time, I hadn't known how I'd feel being in there. All he did was smile, take my hand, and led me to the bookstore. Then he opened the door for me, giving me the chance to turn it down. I didn't.
We'd stood in the entrance for all of a second before he asked if I was okay. But the second I smelled the scent of books and coffee I knew I was truly fine.
He never left my side and I hadn't wanted him to. He crowded me in the best way. Usually, I'd push him away or playfully tell him to give me my space, but at the time, all I'd wanted was for him to be closer. And when he went too far away, I'd moved to be where he was. I felt too vulnerable. Even when he was checking out a book on another case in the same aisle... right behind me.
I'd caught a few people looking at me weird, probably thinking I was a clingy bitch, but I couldn't care at the time. Chris had caught on quickly, and kept one arm around my waist, keeping me against his side; but most of the time he'd stood close behind me, his body pressed against mine, as he'd continued grabbing books.
From the few times we'd been to bookstores together, he knew I was a roamer, so the fact that I kept clinging to him and not touching anything explained how fucked the situation actually was.
I hadn't lied about feeling okay there, because I was. In my head, I could separate where I was then, to where I had been half an hour before and how I'd felt in the two places. The bookstore was the safest place for me, and he was the safest person.
He'd kept handing me books he thought I might like, or he'd read the description out loud and asked me if I was interested in it. In the end, we had about fifteen books. He'd scoped out an isolated corner in the store and set the books down on the carpeted ground before pulling me down on top of him.
Then he'd sat with his back against an old-looking shelf of children's books with me snuggled into him. I'd sat sideways, with my ass on the floor, between his legs and my back against his right leg that was bent at the knee and pulled up almost to his chest. Then he'd took one of the books I'd said I'd always wanted, and he'd read to me.
With the side of my face against his chest and my fingers rubbing the fabric of his shirt, he'd read to me.
It was the sweetest and hottest thing that had ever happened to me in my life by a guy. I knew I couldn't let him go after that. I was going to be grieving every day for the next year if he went to college and found someone better. I knew he couldâhe would.
And I didn't want his memories of us to be filled with rejection, stress, or too much complication. Not in these last few weeks we had. He was so good to me and I had no clue how to return it but that was all I'd be putting my energy into doing from now on.
"Yeah?" he said. I turned to see him wearing a confused expression.
Then for a second, he took his gaze off the road and let his eyes roam me in that way he did. It was only for about two seconds but the heat of it had my body locking up and my mouth falling open in astonishment.
I didn't know who the hell told him he could start doing that, but he'd been acting bold these past few days. I couldn't tame him. I didn't want to.
"If you say so." His eyes went back to the road, and he successfully went on like nothing happened.
As much as I wanted to point out what just happened in his eyes and my body, I decided to stick to the topic. Letting out a breathless laugh, I said, "What are you saying?
He shrugged, not taking his eyes off the road this time. "Nothing. If I say it, you'll reach over and run us off the road, anyway."
I threw my head back and laughed. "Oh, is that your way of saying I look better with the twenty pounds I've put on?" I retorted, smiling at him. I was guessing my weight gain since I haven't checked, but it sure felt like it.
He started with a low sound in his throat before hesitantly dragging out a, "Maybe..."
I snickered, reaching over to poke his stomach. "You don't look too bad either, with your beer belly."
"Beer belly!" His voice came out more in amusement than anything else.
He actually dropped some of the weight he'd gained throughout the year. I noticed back in New York. I saw him shirtless a few times and had to fight myself not to jump him.
I knew it was because he picked up running again and he does a couple of minor workouts each dayâafter waking up and before bed.
"I don't know. I should be eating healthier, y'know?"
I gaped at him. "And I shouldn't?" My voice came out high-pitched in disbelief. "You're just gonna walk around biting into raw cabbage and hand me can of cookie dough?" His laughter had me grinning, but I still said, "Seriously, how does that make sense?"
We debated the whole drive to his house on the same topic. He finally came out about why he was so sketchy and explained that he liked my weight. It was something I already knew but it was so weird to me and the conversation didn't help.
He was sitting here making plans to start eating healthier but not including me into those plans.
I seriously thought he was going to do exactly what I saidâeat healthier food and get all ripped and sturdy while doing everything to fatten me up. It reminded me of that witch in Hansel and Gretel, only he wasn't fattening me up to eat me.
He pulled into his driveway and shut off the engine before turning to me. Me, like a whole fool, was explaining to him why my health was just as important as his and that I can't even walk up the five flights of stairs to my apartment anymore because of him.
I sucked in a breath before I stopped breathing entirely when he leaned across the console, turned my face to his, and kissed me softly. It was a slow, skin burning, heart racing, intoxicating kiss that had me leaning in closer and biting his bottom lip.
As innocent as it might be, and it was, compared to some of our other sessions, my imagination ran wild with visions of all the things we could do in this car. All the things we've come close to doing in this car in the past few days.
Truth was, the real Chris Rich was a babbling idiot who got red in the face and fidgeted when he was put on the spot. But whenever we were alone, like this, another side of him came out to play.
And another truth: I liked playing.
"Pre-calc," I whispered against his lips, my voice basically wind.
"Furniture," he said, his voice low and gruff, reminding us of the other thing we had to do.
But then his palm rested at the base of my neck and our lips met again.
The second I stepped through the front door, I called out Charlotte's name despite her not being there.
Chris snickered behind me and I said, "I have to make sure."
"Not like that does anything," he said, smirking as he worked his shoes off by stepping into the backs of them. "You know she doesn't answer to that."
"Oh yeah." My head tilted back in realization and we both chuckled lowly at that.
"Okay, so we're pre-calcing first," he said, clapping his hands together loudly. I nodded with a humored smile. Leave it to the geek to turn a class into a verb. "But!" He held up a finger excitedly and I grinned, holding back a giggle at how adorable he was. "Food. We have leftover crab cakes and steamed cabbage from last night." He almost sang the words, wiggling his eyebrows.
I shook my head at him but I was still grinning. "You're literally the devil. Let's go." I ran past him toward the kitchen and went to the fridge as soon as I got there.
I heard his laughter, but I already spotted the two containers of food and took them out to place on the counter.
"I'm assuming these are homemade?"
His face scrunched up funnily. "Of course. Why do you keep acting like you don't know my mother?"
We both made a plate and ended up sitting across from each other at the breakfast counter after heating them up. We talked about... everything. From school, to how his furniture search was going, graduation that's like three weeks away and all the things we have planned by that time.
"I haven't really asked you," he said, his voice taking on a mixture of nervous and serious. "Umm... how do you feel about me leaving for the summer?"
Yesterday, after leaving the bookstore, we all met up at the same huge park we always go to. That was where Chris announced that he was spending the summer in New York. In his apartment, which will be fully furnished and stocked by that time.
At first, I didn't know what to thinkâwhat to feel. I didn't feel anything. Until I felt everything.
I was sad at first, then angry, then jealous. After some time, I understood, and I was happy for him. Not one hundred percent happy and onboard, but I was. That didn't stop the jealousy though. He was going to be living in New York. The whole summer! And started classes at Parsons. He was already in college before college even startedâliving out my very dream of not being in high school anymoreâand it killed me. I wanted to be him. If not, at least be with him.
But being all the way back here and him all the way there and having his own place... it won't be easy to go up there and see him. Our parents won't allow it. Not unless they were there, or at least a couple of our other friends were with us.
I wore a smile as I spoke, twirling my fork around my plate. "Even though it looks like you're doing everything not to be around us anymore," I paused, letting my teasing sink in but from the look on his face he knew I wasn't. Not really. "I understand. I think it'll be good for you." I nodded.
"You know that's not why I'm doing it," he said lowly.
It was obvious it bothered him, but I was being honest. I couldn't help feel that way, not with how distant he was before. He'd pushed us away and this doesn't feel any different. Even if he added school to make it sound better.
I shrugged instead of answering, before getting up to bring my empty plate to the sink. I rinsed it off more thoroughly than I needed to before putting it and the fork in the dishwasher.
He came up behind me and placed his utensils in the sink. I was reaching for them when he said, "Can you turn around, please?" Even though he made it sound like a question, I knew it wasn't. His tone was a lot more demanding despite his low voice.
Letting out a breath, I did. I stared at his chest for a moment before tilting my head back.
"You know," he started, emphasizing 'know', "that I can't just get up one day and live on my own while jumping into a whole different kind of... school system or whatever you wanna call college." He waved nonchalantly. "You might be able to do it but I'm... delicate."
The last part made me smile as much as I didn't want to. He was right though. If I had the same opportunity he did, I wouldn't hesitate to spend my whole summer here and adjusting to a different lifestyle on my own, by the end of it. I haven't known him for that long, but I know things like this, for him... he needs to get used to it gradually.
I don't mind being alone because I'm used to it. But Chris... he's always been surrounded by people and it made sense why he'd want to ease into this. Especially seeing how emotional he was about next to everything.
"Okay, Taylor Swift I get it," I said teasingly. I reached up to straighten some of the rumples in his shirt. "I guess, I haven't really thought about it that way. But I'm happy you are either way. You get a taste of college life early." He was smiling by the time I finished, but I couldn't help add under my breath, "Ass."
He sputtered out a laugh. "What?"
I pushed him away halfheartedly. "I told you I couldn't wait to leave high school and here you are, going off to college before me!"
His smile was full of teasing and amusement. "I'm pretty sure you need to complain to your parents about not getting pregnant with you a year earlier."
Ignoring him, all I could do was grin at him when I said, "Dude."
When I just stared at him, he laughed and said again, "What!"
"I'm so happy for you." I nodded at him. He gave me a small smile, tilting his head. "I'm serious. I'm done crying until it's time for me to ship you off. But I'm genuinely happy for you and I can't wait for you to start living large and living life and all that shit."
"Now you're getting me emotional," he said, but he had a funny look on his face that made it look like that was more of a retort or sarcasm. I knew he meant it though because in the next second we were hugging and rocking side to side.
"I think we just had a breakthrough," he said and I smiled.
Not long after that, we made our way upstairs to his room. At first, I tried my luck in getting a nap, but Chris knew I didn't take naps. The second I went out, I wouldn't be getting up until it was time for him to bring me home.
The hour and a half that followed were spent working on pre-calc. I was at the foot of his bed and he sat at his desk. Once we were done, we compared answers and tried not to insult each other when the other got something wrong. I could see it on his face that he was having a hard time.
Yeah, we went back to the whole "be nice to each other" thing. It had been working for the most part but like every bad habit, we slip up. I couldn't help it and that's when I realized and accepted that he was my best friend. I didn't tell him though. I planned to keep it to myself for a while longer.
"One of my athlete friends is having a party tomorrow," he said as we're packing up and putting stuff away.
I zipped my bag shut, placing it on the floor at the foot of the bed. "Do I know who it is?"
"You might," he said, dropping a pen in a holder noisily on his desk. "He's on the lacrosse team. Lives right down the street actually, if you'd like to go? We're all going but..."
I folded my leg under me, smirking. "Who says my mom will let me?"
He rolled his eyes playfully. "First off, you never drink or do drugs whenever we go out and we always bring you back home, fed and in the same condition you left in. That's the only reason why she says yes each time." He got up from the chair and pushed it in neatly before making his way over.
"I guess I could ask. I might end up asking to stay at Jess's too. She's going right?" I asked just to make sure. My head tilted back the closer he got until he sat next to me.
I stopped myself from leaning forward and pressing my nose to his shirt to smell him. He smelt that heavenly. Not to mention, I felt like I've been too clingy lately, especially with what happened yesterday.
He hummed, stretching out his legs in front of him and staring out the large window across from us. "Are you ever going to have a sleepover with me?" He was grinning but he didn't look at me.
I snickered. "I can't have a sleepover with you without everyone else here. Sorry about that."
"Shame," he mumbled, feigning sadness. "We'd actually have a lot of fun. We could take a bunch of photos and print them out... make another collage for you to tear up at when you look at it..."
I poked his side and he jerked away, laughing lowly. I didn't disagree with him though. It did sound fun. We'd have to do that before he left.
"Could make a polaroid too."
I watched the side of his face as he kept throwing out all the things we could do at this so-called 'sleepover' of his. He started it off as a joke but I could tell he actually wouldn't mind doing all those things. Come to think of it, I didn't mind either. I've always been interested in photography, but I've never gotten into it. Seeing him talk about it was just as fun.
He looked so content and laid back, staring out at the tops of trees and houses and the sky. It did something to me and I have no clue what it was. Just that he was there, and he was... beautiful.
It's absurd, but in that moment he was. His hair was pushed back out of his face messily, his eyes half-closed, his pink lips barely moving as he spoke. I loved being around him but when he was like thisârelaxed and looking high but wasn'tâit did something to me. It reminded me why we were so compatible sometimes. We both knew when to get loud but when to sit back and chill too.
Damn. If I have any more revelations of why I won't survive a year without him I was going to have another breakdown.
Reaching up, I placed my hands on his face to turn his head to me. His expression didn't change. He stared at me, a smile forming on his lips. I reciprocated before leaning forward to press my lips against his.
He hummed. It was a low gruff sound that did unusual things to my insides.
"You make me do crazy things, Rich," I whispered against his mouth.
I felt him smiling then he said, "Don't call me by my last name. You remind me of Nathion."
I grinned, giggling when he started falling back on the bed, pulling me down with him. We bounced uncontrollably before I groaned and rolled until my chest was against his and he was looking up at me.
"You're messing up my hair," I told him lowly, reaching up to run my fingers through his gently to tame it.
Touching his hair wasn't something I did a lot. I could make out with the guy and even grab his ass if I felt up for it, but when it came to his hair, I stayed clear of it. He hated when people touched it but even before I found out, I still wasn't comfortable doing it. It's more personal and... intimate to me somehow.
His hand resting on the back of my neck and he raised his head the same time he pulled me closer and bit my bottom lip before kissing me like his life depended on it.
We alternated between kissing painfully slow, deep and passionate, and simply brushing our lips together. I lost all thought other than feeling and being aware of his body beneath mine.
I had no clue when this started happening exactly, but we never spoke about it. It just happened and it became normal somehow. Something happened in New York and we hadn't been able to keep our hands off each other since then so we stopped trying to.
It wasn't like before. Before, there was always something innocent about our kisses and touches. Now, it was... more. More heated, more passionate, more sensualâit drove us crazy. It didn't help that I've been having improper thoughts about him either.
In the end though, I told myself to stop fighting it. To let it happen. Just for now.
My scrambled brain came together enough for me to notice that I was moving. I wasn't moving myself. His hand that was curled around the back of my thigh was pulling me on top of him and his hand that was on my neck had moved so his arm was tight around my back.
I went willingly, adjusting myself on top of him so I was pressed against him everywhere. I near choked at what was pressing against my stomach the same time his hand moved down to my ass.
"Woah, dude," I breathed, pulling back from the kiss. I was panting like I just ran up the stairs.
"Too much?" he said lowly, just as worked up as I was. I already felt his hand moving back up.
It still took me a moment to get myself, thoughts included, together. "Uhh, keep going until I figure it out." I cut off his deep chuckle by kissing him again.
The next round was us going at each other like we haven't seen each other in years. It was a hair-pulling, lip biting, moaning and groaning, hands roaming everywhere kind of session.
Fuck me.
He stopped. His hands froze and so did his body. I forced my eyes open and immediately saw shock on his face. The back of my neck got hot.
"Did I say that out loud?" My voice sounded too deep compared to my normal one. My lips burned and tingled so much I knew I'd need ice later.
He cleared his throat and swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. "Kind of, yeah." Unlike mine, his makeout voice sounded sexy as hell.
I chewed on my bottom lip because there was no way I could say I didn't mean that. Approaching this was harder since this was Chris. He wasn't like most guys his age and I see him kindly pushing me off him and backing away from me like I was an alien.
Guess we'll just have to see.
I kept my eyes on his, not making even a move to indicate I didn't mean it. He saw.
I clutched his arm when the world became a blur for a second. I had a feeling he was throwing me off him like I thought he would. But I was a little surprised to still be staring at his face when I blinked a few times to get rid of the sudden fatigue I felt.
"Ari, you can flirt however you want, but you can't say stuff like that to me," he said lowly. He slid higher up on the bed so we weren't so close to falling off with me on his lap and angled my hips back to I wasn't sitting directly on top of his dick.
I pushed myself closer to him anyway, almost shivering when he let out a low groan. Hesitantly, I reached up to curl my hands in his hair from the back of his head, running my fingers over his scalp.
His head tilted back and he stared up at me with his eyes barely open and his tongue swiping over his bottom lip before biting down on it. My eyes followed the action heatedly and I had to drag my eyes back to his. The next second we were kissing again.
From the second we'd started kissing, an insatiable heat had lit under my skin. But now, my body was starting to itch from inside and out, like if I could walk out of my body, I would, just to wrap soul around him. He makes me think weird shit like that.
He pulled back, his eyes unfocused as he stared at me. I smiled and I ran one of my hands down the side of his neck. He tilted his head and sighed.
"Are you sure you want to do this with me?"
"Who else would I do it with?" I retorted, not even thinking about it.
I used my other hand to press my thumb against the spot below his earlobe and leaned down to kiss him there. It was a sensitive spot for him and my stomach clenched when he grunted before letting out a hiss.
His voice sounded strangled when he said, "I don't know. Thion."
I pulled back abruptly. "You did not just say that."
His lips pulled into a small smile and he barely opened his eyes. "I'm just saying, if you're going to lose your virginity to someone, at least have it be someone who knows what they're doing."
I didn't acknowledge the fact that that could also go for me. He was trying to talk me out of it. Not because of my inexperience but because of his.
Chris wasn't the most secure guy out there and needed some reassurance when it came to stuff like this, so I tried my best to do that.
"Chris," I said softly, admiring the curves and sharp edges of his face, "I'm not losing it." I leaned in to kiss him softly. "I'm giving it to you." He could've held my heart in his hand just then and squeezed with the look he gave me. "No one's losing anything here. Unless-" I paused, my hands going limp on his skin and running down his chest, "unless you don't want to."
His head hardly moved in a side to side motion. "I... I don't want this to be bad for you."
I grinned. "Call me a desperate bitch but I really don't care. I just..." my hands toyed with the end of his shirt. "I want it to be you."
I didn't believe I was actually considering thisâthat I was talking about him having sex with me.
"Ari..." He trailed off, sounding too unsure for me.
I tried not to let it get to me, but I hated feeling like I was forcing him, especially since we were both inexperienced here.
Sure, I didn't expect him to jump at it right away, this was a huge step. It was worse because we were... I didn't even know what we were! I just knew I felt something for him that I couldn't tame or lock away and every time I'm close to him I wanted to be closer.
But I wasn't going to force him into it if he wasn't ready or sure.
I didn't hesitate to push myself off him. He wasn't ready and I was going to respect that because he cared enough to even suggest that I hop in bed with his best friend. If I didn't know he said stupid crap when he was nervous, I probably would've suffocated him for saying that.
"It's okay, I understand," I told him and tilted my head back before working my neck to get rid of the tension in my body that I didn't notice before. It felt like every muscle in my body was straining. "There's no rush. If you're not ready or... you just want to be with someone else or in an actual relationship," I said, letting out an embarrassed laugh at how dense I was.
Of course, the guy would want to give his body to his girlfriend. Or wife! He did say something about a wife a few months back.
My face was hot with shame. I was so embarrassed I could cry.
I covered my face with my hands, not looking at him when I said, "I'm sorry. I don't know what just happened, let's just forget it ever did, okay? You can meet me downstairs." I started walking away, saying over my shoulder, "You wanted to show me the board you and your mom were filling out for your apartment, right?"
If God could just strike me down now, I deserve to go to hell.
"You are so fucking dumb," I said lowly to myself, my eyes wide in disbelief as I stared at the wooden floorboards. The whole Adam and Eve thing was no joke. I already corrupted him, I shouldn't be trying to convert him all the way into a life of sin.
And in his mom's house, you whore!
"Ariana," he called.
I was already a few feet away from the door so I only replied when I got there and was on the other side of it, holding on tight to the doorknob.
"Yeah?" I still didn't look at him and almost pained me physically to still be standing where he could see me. I was seconds away from just running at this point.
But he was already halfway across the room. He got close enough that I couldn't not look at him.
The unsureness that was one his face before was nonexistent now. He was staring at me the way he did to make me melt. It wasn't in a stoic or unreadable way. He wasn't smiling, just... looking.
Slowly, I took in a breath, but I still didn't feel like I was breathing. My nerves went through the roof and I got a little lightheaded when he wrapped his arm around my waist and gently coaxed me back into the room.
He stared down at me with those fuck-worthy brown eyes. Then he leaned down and kissed meâsoft at first, before he went deeper, his tongue sliding against mine. It was gut-churning but exhilarating and I fought to keep the sounds brewing in the back of my throat from surfacing.
I whispered his name the first chance I got when we broke away, our breaths mingling. I couldn't explain why, and I stopped thinking about it because he leaned down and placed his hands on my ass before hoisting me up and directing my legs around his waist.
Then he kicked the door shut and I think he locked it, but he'd already been kissing again me by that point.
â¤â â¤
Girrrrllll....
This whole book I didn't know if they were gonna do it but...
We'll find out in the next chapter lol.