Chapter 39: defense

„Hey. I've got no idea how long that takes but I cancelled my shopping date with Lu so I have five more hours which need to be filled with activities", I joke as I sit down next to Ander and his mom in the hospital. „Do you want a coffee, Emilia?", Azucena asks me as she stands up. „Yes, please."

„We've been talking about you yesterday. She appreciated what you said." „Can I stay or do you want me to go? I was honestly really afraid of coming here because I don't want to disrespect your decision but I also want to support you."

„It only takes three hours so you still got two more if you want to invite Lu on a shopping tour", Ander jokes back so I grab his hand and give him a kiss. „I'll spend the other two hours with you as well if you want me to."

Great, now the boys completely freaked out making a fake account for Polo and posting tweets. At least Ander and I share our opinion in that case and talk to Samu and Guzman in the evening at home. „You have to stop it", I begin. „We owe that to her."

„No, you don't even think her while doing it. You're just thinking about yourselves because you want revenge", Ander supports my point. „No, we don't want revenge but we don't let a murderer move on with his life just like that." „Life is short, you know. It's not worth it wasting it", Ander tells them with a softer voice and I immediately grab his hand. Watching him yesterday during his chemo made me also rethink a lot. Marina's death made me angry, sad, anxious. I had many negative feelings and I'm still sad when I think about Ander. However, he's so strong and I admire him for how he's handling it at the moment.

„What would you know about life, Ander. And why do you even protect him, Em? And what is even going on with the two of you? What about we stay strong together and you don't want to see him again, Em?", Guzman glares at us. Before I can even defend myself, Ander justifies his actions. „Because Polo has tried to commit suicide." „Fucking Las Encinas", Rebe mutters next to us. „I've said that I would tell the truth if he doesn't go to the police himself. I put too much pressure onto him." „I didn't know that. Why didn't you tell me?", I whisper worriedly.

„Wait, are you telling me that so I forgive him or you?" „Guzman", I snap at him, „He's telling you that to make you understand what impact you could have on him. Polo deserves to go to jail but not to be bullied until he does what he thought about."

„Just to be clear, Polo deserves everything that he is going through. And hopefully, you will get what you deserve one day as well", Guzman states coldly and points to Ander. I swallow hard and grab Ander's hand even tighter. „Guzman!"

„What Emilia, huh? Do you want to come up with another lie telling me how we're a family? If you stick with him again, then you haven't learned anything. Besides, Marina wouldn't be pleased. Are we done?"

„Why didn't you tell me about Polo?", I whisper when Ander and I sit on his bed after everyone else has left and we also went back to his home. „I didn't want to drag you down. And after Carla has spoken to the police, I tried to talk to you. But you didn't listen. I tried to talk to you a lot the past months, Em." „I'm sorry", I say again. I'm apologizing a lot these days. „I really am." „I know."

„Guzman didn't mean it, you know that. If he knew what you're going through, he wouldn't have said that." „He would." „No, no, Ander. Amor, look at me. We've always been best friends. Guzman is going to forgive you. He just needs more time."

„Why do you wear your uniform?", I ask Ander in the morning when he leans against the wall. Last night was the first night which I stayed here and which we finally enjoyed together although we haven't talked about everything that happened. But that's how we and our relationship work. We're here for each other when we need it, even if we had a fight just a second ago. „I'll stop the chemo."

„What? Why? No." „You've seen what they've said about my prospect." „We've talked about it." „I know that we've talked about it but I'm done being strong and totally optimistic. That bullshit about staying storng and smiling until the end. You don't know how much I'm pressured. I'm not doing well and I don't have the strength to go there. Don't make me feel bad for it." „I just want to be there for you, amor", I whisper and feel guilty for telling him to continue chemo but I would feel the same guilt if I didn't.

„I want you to be here, too. But you have to accept my decisions for that." „If you promise me that it is not only about what Guzman said but fully your decision?" „It is. I promise." „Alright, I accept your decision. Although it's not easy. What am I saying? It's not easy for you. I'm sorry, amor. Tell me when I cross a line." „Em", Ander whispers, „Thanks, baby."

„Why did you do that, hanging out with that guy again?", Guzman snaps at me. „Oh, so we're talking? I thought you were pissed." „I am. Because you let yourself in again with someone who isn't good for you. Ander made you lie to everyone, to me, your best friend and Marina's brother." „Shut up, Guzman, it isn't his fault!" „Who's then, huh?"

„It's my own fault", I admit and look to the ground feeling ashamed. It was never Ander's fault. He may have told me to give Polo time and Polo may have pressured us, but I still let them do it to me. I'm responsible, too.

„Then why did you break up with him?", he questions again. „Okay, you're right. Ander and Polo put pressure on me and that's why I didn't want to let myself fully in with Ander anymore but it's my fault, too. I let them do it. I didn't have control. That's why I didn't talk to him much.. but we were hanging out sometimes, at least for sex. But that changed. I can't blame him forever. It's my mistake." „He's still responsible." „Yeah, but me too. Please, Guzman, just accept it. You're my best friend-"

„Only your best friend", Guzman scoffs, „After what happened?" „What did you expect me to say?!" „It doesn't matter", he mutters. „What, Guzman? Tell me? Did you think that what happened changes anything?", I snap at him bitchily although it's not my intention to do so.

„Forget about it and be happy with him", Guzman replies simply and leaves me alone. And I've got no idea what's going on and why he would act like that. What was it about? Only sex or did we do it because of certain feelings for each other?