Chapter 43: party reversed

„Are you coming with me to Lu's party tomorrow?", I ask Ander as he closes his bag after chemo ready to leave the hospital again, „It'll be fun. Plus, some cute guys may show their muscles and girls their new outfits. I'm excited to see how everyone's working with Lu's idea." „It sounds stupid." „I guess, I'll go alone?"

Normally, I would never go alone especially since Ander is sick but I promised Lu to come and support her. I forgot to visit her as much as I did before so I should start again being a good friend to her. When Carla confessed what happened to Marina, Lu and I both felt betrayed and got even closer than before if that was even possible. „Do so", Ander shrugs coldly.

„When I want to go there, it's bad. When I ask you to come with me, it's even worse and when I suggest to stay here with you, you treat me like shit. What am I supposed to do, Ander?", I sigh and grab his hand but he loosens the grip. „Don't ruin the last bit of my lifetime that's left. Is that asked too much?"

I swallow. Do I really ruin the last bit of his lifetime? Is it even the last bit of his lifetime? And what does Guzman do compared to me to make Ander smile when they see each other? Shit. All I wanted was to really try and be there for Ander the way he needed it. When Ander sits in the car already, Guzman waits a minute to ask me if I'm driving back to school with them but I shake my head. „He doesn't want to see me, didn't you hear it?" „Em, he didn't mean it." „I need a walk right now", I let him know. „I could-"

„No, no need to come with me. I just need to be alone and.. I don't know think of Marina or something", I laugh with a cracked voice but still try to play cool. „I'll talk to Ander." „No, Guzman. He needs to do whatever he wants right now, even if that's without me. At least he's got you." „I'll see you later, okay?" „Okay."

Lu

where are you?

I haven't seen you at school

Emilia

I'm taking a walk

excuse me?

with your own feet?

yes, Lu, that's how walking works

Is it about Ander?

How do you know?

Guzman has been talking to Ander

about you

I'll tell you more later

but it sounded pretty protective

when are you here?

I need another twenty minutes

class starts in ten minutes

well, you probably know a good excuse

thanks Lu

you're a bitch

te quiero también

„Who do we have here? You look great", Lu welcomes Guzman at her party. She ordered me to stay at the entrance to control if anyone doesn't bring a drink. She mostly runs around telling people to buy alcohol if they didn't already bring any. Just like now so I'm alone with Guzman now. „You look really good", I make him a compliment as well. „You too, Em. But you always do. Listen, I-"

„You've talked to Ander, I know. Lu told me. It's okay, Guzman. I told you, you don't need to play the hero for our relationship." „I only told him that he could be lucky to have you. Don't you want it? To save your relationship?" „I don't know what I want, Guzman." „Is that why you don't know how to be around me?" „I don't know anything anymore. I'm in love with Ander and course I've got feelings for you but it's too much for me right now if I'm being honest."

„Is it because of Ander's treatment?" „Sometimes I feel like I'm not doing it because I really want to help him after all this pain. I just feel guilty. Guilty that it's him and not me." „Em, no. We both know you're just making yourself feel and say that because it's easier when you're angry instead of sad but you love him."

„I'm really confused, Guzman. First you ask me to be with you, now you tell me that I love Ander. What are you trying to prove?" „I just.. I don't know what's right, okay? I want you, but I also want you to be with the one you need not with who I tell you." „I don't know what I want right now. All I'm thinking about is that I hope that Ander will be fine soon." „Then what would you do if you weren't with him now?"

„Probably having fun, maybe with someone else. Just partying, laughing, kissing someone." „Do you even know that someone? You're quite picky so it won't be a stranger", he implies with a certain cheeky smile so I chuckle and shake my head. „Em?" „Yeah?"

„I don't mean to be an idiot and I don't want to push you away but.. please come to a decision. It tortures me not knowing what's going on between you and Ander or you and I." „Is that an ultimatum?" „It's a request", he says softly so I know that he isn't sure about it himself, „I need you. But if I can't have you, I'd at least want some certainty."

„You're right, you deserve certainty. I just didn't know that you feel so serious about it at first. I really thought that we were only friends." „We're not, at least not if you think like me. Tell me when you're ready."

„Hey", Ander comes over to me as I'm filling my cup with water now to calm down. „What are you doing here?", I wonder, „You wanted to stay at home. Are you alright?" „I just wanted to apologize and see how sexy you look in a pantsuit", he smiles and lays his hand on my neck to pull me close. „Don't worry about it. It's fine", I assure him. „Em." „What? Everything's fine."

„No, it's not and you know it. Shit.. I'm completely fucked up. And the only person I treat like shit is you. But no matter what I do, you're always here. No matter how much I push you away, you're always coming back. That's not fair and not what you deserve it. You deserve to be loved like when we were in love back when everything was normal. It's been more than a year and I hate to see you like this, I can feel how you're hurt. But I'm trying to change, to treat you better. Can you forgive me?" „No", I joke and feel way better as soon as both of us laugh together.

„Lu. The party is great", I complimented her after Ander and I decided that we would leave. „I know." „You know you're never alone. I'm always here for you and I won't leave you", I assure her knowing that after seeing all the couples kiss, she feels lonely. „You're the only person that won't leave me, right?"

„Remember that one day in our childhood? You made me sign a contract that I won't leave you. I'm legally bound to you", I chuckle and hug her once more before I grab Ander's and and we leave.