Chapter 44: amiga mejor

„Don't worry, nothing's going to happen", I try to calm Ander down as we lay in bed and he seems even more thoughtful than the past days. „Never say that again as if nothing would happen", he replies sharply, „Chemo is taking up all my energy. You can see it. We can no longer act like nothing would happen."

„What can I do to make it easier for you?" „Can you give me a haircut?", Ander chuckles lightly, „I know it's not your best skill but you won't cut my head, right?" „I'll do anything to help you", I reply quickly, „Are you really ready? The others will talk about it." „They will find out sooner or later. I should get used to it."

What confuses me the most with Ander right now is that he changes his mood frequently. One second we're cuddling, the next second he's snapping at me. He doesn't do that to anyone else which is why I'm starting to worry if I'm the actual reason for his behavior. And if that's true, am I just a burden to him? „Em, are you coming?" „Sorry, I was thinking about something." „About-"

„No, don't worry. Just about you and I", I reply softly and follow him into his bathroom. „Will you still love me after you've shaved my hair?", Ander tries to joke but I know that he's seriously interested in my answer. „I already miss your curls so it's a tough job for me to do but I'll get over it", I smile at him in the mirror.

„Are you ready?", I ask Ander and take his hand to make him feel that he's not alone. „I have to, right?" „You could also say that you've cut your hair. You can still wait if you're not ready for everyone to know." „No, it's alright. Better now than later. At least you're here. Let's go."

„Hey, pretty boy", Lu is the first to comment Ander's new look so I give her an annoyed look. She doesn't know the story yet but still she could wait for Ander to talk about it. „Hot look", Valerio adds. I look at Ander and notice that he's not comfortable - of course, who would be comfortable in such a situation? So I tighten the grip around his hand.

„It's because of the chemo. I've got cancer", he begins straight forward while everyone else whispers shocked, „You've probably got a lot of questions but that's what Wikipedia is here for, okay. I get tired quickly."

„Hey", Carla is the first to approach me after class, „You probably don't want to see me and I understand that. But you're still my friend and.. I don't know, I'm shocked. How are you doing? How do you deal with it?" „I'm not the one who's ill so I guess I'm fine", I shrug trying to stay cool so I don't break down in school. Dealing with all of this has been worse than I expected.

„You don't look fine." „I know but what do you want to hear, huh?", I snap at her and regret it the next second, „I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be harsh. It's just.. it's not easy." „I'm here if you need me", she assures me and is about to leave but I hold her back. „Are you okay, Carla? I've noticed that you're not yourself anymore."

„A lot has changed. But I'm alright. I just.. My parents are back together. I have to get used to it after my dad being away for five months." „Yeah, you got used to being alone with your mom and your dad.. I know what he can be like. The typical businessman who would do anything to save his reputation and money." „Exactly." „He's waiting for me now so I have to leave anyways but-" „Call me, okay?", I ask her and she nods slowly before I give her a hug.

„Why didn't you tell me?", Lu snaps at me as soon as she sees me walking through the school's garden. I know that she doesn't mean to be harsh. She's just not sure how to initiate this conversation. "You couldn't have changed it", I shrug. „I could have helped." „Lu, Ander doesn't even accept my help always, how would you help him?"

„I would have helped you. You have to be strong too and need someone", she tells me in a soft voice now and looks at me with worries in her eyes as we stop walking. „It doesn't matter. It's about him. I wanted him to have fun", I ignore the worries in my head. „He's really lucky to have you. We all are", she assures me. „If you only knew."

„I know it. Your flirts with Guzman didn't stop since the last time", she sighs, „But why should they? Don't feel bad for it. You support Ander as much as you can and whenever you guys need us, we're here. But a kiss between Guzman and you won't change anything."

„We've had sex", I admit nervously, „And he asked me to decide between the two of them." „Oh, wow", she breathes out and raises her eyebrow the way Lu does often, „It doesn't happen often that I don't know what to say. What do you think about it?"

„I don't know to be honest." „So you haven't decided yet?" „I wanted to seriously think about it. I love Ander, but maybe you were right and maybe we do need a break. But even if we needed a break, I don't know if I should spend that break with Guzman."

„How was it?" „How was what?" „Sex with Guzman", she clarifies her question as if it was the most normal thing to talk about. „It was good.." „But?"

„It wasn't Ander." „Oh my god", Lu chuckles, „Darling, you're so focused on him that you don't care about anything else anymore. You don't even know what it's like without him." „What are you implying?"

„Nothing", to be honest, "Just be who you are and do what you want. We've all pretended to be someone else too often." „Have I ever told you how strong you are? And smart? You're my best friend, Lu. Nothing will ever change that", I tell her emotionally.

„Will you come to New York with me?" „I- Lu.. That's surprising. I don't know-" „Don't say anything. Think about it. I planned to ask you in a different way but I didn't know how. I just.. if I leave, I'll leave alone. I won't miss my dad and I won't miss most people, I probably won't even miss Valerio or all the others. But I would miss you. A lot." „I love you, Lu", I smile and pull her into a tight hug. „Te quiero mucho."