Chapter 45: time

„Who can that be?", I wonder when someone rings the bell at night. Ander shrugs his shoulders so we go outside to see who would come by so late. „What are you doing here?", Ander exclaims as soon as he sees Polo standing in front of us.  „I came here to offer you my help. If there's anything that I can do, just tell me. If you need money, I could make the best doctors to perform your treatment."

„Where do you think we live Polo?", I question him harshly, „Ander has got access to the best doctors, even without a bunch of money or a charity event. Do you think money can solve all of this?" „I just wanted to help Ander but I don't know how", he goes on and actually looks pretty helpless like a worried child. Ander looks at me quickly so I immediately know what he plans to do next and I nod. He respects me enough to check if I'm fine with what he's thinking of.

„Do you have plans?", Ander asks Polo calmly and jokes, „Come, I'm bored to death and Em is not the best company." Although it's still hard for me to even look at Polo, I can and I should suppress what has happened at least for today. At least Ander deserves an evening with his friends like nothing has happened in the past and I will not ruin that. „Beer?" Polo nods so I give him a bottle of beer, Ander shakes his head. Although it's raining, we go outside on the balcony and enjoy the calmness for the moment.

„How many more times do you have to go to chemo?" "I'm not sure. Next week will be the last one for a while. Then they will remove samples and we will see if I have to go there again or not." „And afterwards, you always feel down?" „Em says I look like the girl in the movie exorcist", Ander chuckles and grab my hand with his free one. „You know I'm not serious when I say that." „I know, bébé", Ander whispers back and gives me a kiss on my sleeve.

„How are you doing, I mean the two of you?" Ander and I share a quick look, not knowing how to describe it. I'm glad we're closer again but his mood swings are extreme and taking a lot of my energy. But a feeling like the one that I've got right now is giving me all my hopes back. His hand in mine, the little kisses, the smiles. „Em is giving her best to be here, she's never missed chemo even when I told her to leave. We're trying to make it work the best way possible", Ander describes it perfectly so I strengthen the grip of our hands and lay my head on his shoulder. „Don't forget, the hard times show on who you can lean on."

„Do you mean Cayetana?" „No, Valerio." „Are you cheating on her with him?", I wonder loudly but chuckle surprised about him mentioning Valerio instead of Cayetana. As much as I disrespect her for what she did, it looks like she's really trying hard to be there for Polo, even if that means that he treats her the way he does and that we all don't even look at her if we don't have to.

„No, I swear. You know we're doing it in a threesome.. like the three of us once did." „Shit", Ander laughs, „You're the one who fucks around the most." „But it's not only about sex, it's more. I think it's going well. Maybe it's not really normal but what does normal mean if you can be happy?" „That's actually quite wise of you", I agree with him, „If it makes the three of you happy and no one's hurt, do whatever-"

I am interrupted by my phone ringing so I stop talking and look at it confused and raise my eyebrows. Guzman. „Who is it?", Ander wonders about my reaction. „It's just Samu", I reply quicker than I could think about it.

Guzman

I need to see you

Em

tomorrow before class starts?

no, now

I'm with Ander

and Polo right

shit, Guzman

you know it doesn't mean anything

so you weren't laughing

with Marina's murderer?

Are you here?

meet me around the corner

„Is everything alright?", Ander asks, „Samu can come by anytime if he needs you." I give him a slight smile and nod. „He's actually in the neighborhood. I'll talk to him quickly and be right back." „Sure."

„Why the hell are you talking and laughing", Guzman underlines as soon as he sees me walking into his direction, „With Polo? Did you forget what he's done?" „Of course I haven't! Don't even try to make me feel bad for sitting there with him. Ander wanted to spend a normal evening with us." „Ah, alright so you just invite the murder of my sister to drink beer and talk and-"

„We didn't invite him. Polo came by to offer his help. Don't always make it look like we betray you or commit a crime when in reality we're just trying to enjoy the time which Ander doesn't have to spend in the hospital. You've been there and you've seen him. You know it's not easy." „Let's say it's okay that Ander spends his time with Polo, how about you? Which excuse do you have to do the same? Are you thinking of a threesome again?"

„Are you crazy?", I exclaim irritatedly, „Honestly, I've got no idea what's gotten into you. I understand that you're angry and sad when it comes to Polo alright. But I've spent all my time the past weeks with Ander, why should I leave just because him and Polo hang out? Ander wanted us three to hang out and he would prefer it if it was us four again. I understand that you won't agree to that but then please just look away. And don't come up with old stories, that's bullshit. Ander's not even strong enough to do anything sexual."

„I only asked if you're thinking about it again", Guzman goes on and ignores what I've just said. Great. So I give him many enough reasons to stay calm and he.. is jealous? Is he? „Are you jealous?" „Of course, I am, Emilia! What do you expect me to do? Whenever we meet and we're close, you push me away afterwards and try to ignore me. I just don't get it, you know? In the one moment, you enjoy being with me, then you don't. It's driving me insane."

„It's.. Guzman-", I whisper and swallow. I knit my brows and feel my hands starting to shake as he grabs it. „Don't tell me it's complicated, Em. If you want me, tell me. But until then, you can't expect me to stay calm all the time, whenever I see you. I can look at you without freaking out, that's alright, but I'm so upset on the inside." „I didn't mean to make you feel like this, I didn't even think it would turn out this way. I.. I need time. That's all I'm asking for." „Okay."