Losing Miranda wasn't very detrimental.
After all, nearly half of the girls didn't know who she was until we were informed that she wouldn't be coming back. Served them right for making someone like her spend another summer here. But her absence has been affecting me, even days after. She was the one who knew about the notes and the only person I could somewhat confide in about them.
This week I've only found one, wedged between two books on my side table, another shady but harmless threat.
I don't know that I did something that would cause someone to have such a level of animosity towards meâor maybe I just can't remember.
I lean back on my hand and stare off at ceiling, wanting to be anywhere but here at the moment. Cheryl and a few of other female trainers who all practically look the same have gathered the fifteen of us in the yoga studio for another "relax and talk" session. Yes, I will surely have a blast relaxing with Willow sitting two feet away from me.
"Okay girls, before we can talk, let's sit down and take a few deep breaths and then get into the downward dog position."
I close my eyes and think of my comfortable bed at home and my mother's cooking. My stomach grumbles loudly and three girls turn around to stare at me.
"Sorry," I whisper, closing my eyes again and trying to forget about home food.
"Just breathe out and forget all of your worries and troubles," the squeaky blonde one says.
We go through six different yoga poses, my body feeling like a folded-up pretzel on the last one. I fall onto the mat in a heap when we finish, and my cheeks flush in embarrassment. I may have mastered running, but yoga is another story.
"Gather into a circle so we can begin today's session," Cheryl says, summoning us with a circular hand motion. I get up reluctantly and head over to the middle of the room.
"This fitness journey isn't only about tackling the physical challenges, there is also a large mental aspect. It's surprising what we can keep ourselves from accomplishing because of how we think." Is she Axel Chandler Lite?
As Cheryl continues to speak, the room is silent. Some girls point their heads downwards while others watch her with interest. I feel nauseous, as I have no desire to discuss my emotions with a group of strangers.
Cheryl wraps her arms around her knees and leans back slightly, her eyes glazing over us. "When I was in high school, I was bullied. It happened every day, specifically over my weight. After years of hiding under my insecurities I decided to go into fitness for myself: to become stronger. Now at twenty-seven, I can say I am. It was the hardest transition I'd ever made, but I have never regretted my choice since."
"Have any of you ever experienced bullying before?" the squeaky blonde asks us, as if this will make us shoot our hands up in the air and start pouring our hearts out. I eye the girls around, seeing wary hands creep up. I keep mine down.
"Don't be shy; it's alright to say if you have," Cheryl says, and I cringe as I finallyâbarelyâraise my hand into the air. "Do any of you want to share your story?"
No, I do not.
One of the larger girls nods and says, "I got called fat by my classmates, friends and my family. I was always aware of how I looked. But it felt horrible to be constantly reminded of it. I just want... I want to come out of here as a new person."
Cheryl smiles broadly, a dimple showing on her right cheek. "You can do it. Remember that you're competing with yourself and no one else."
The girl smiles and nods. I slink back, trying to make myself unnoticeable. I glance at Willow, who is busy staring at her purple Puma sneakers.
"Anyone else?" Cheryl asks, looking around. Her eyes stop at me, and I shake my head a few times in a row. When she finally lets us go, I dash out of the yoga studio like a cheetah on steroids. As I'm about to reach my room, someone taps my arm. I turn around and see Willow, her face bearing a nervous expression. I take a step back.
"What is it?" I ask.
"Whitney, I want to talk to you," she says calmly.
I raise a brow. "Really."
"I wanted to say thatâ" Before she can finish, someone yells my name from down the hall. It's Martina, and she's jogging towards me.
"Whitney, you forgot your phone in the studio!" she says, handing me my white-cased iPhone. "Good thing I found it."
I smile half-heartedly. "Thanks."
Willow sighs and walks away, running a hand through her soft blonde hair and dropping it to her side in frustration.
"Why were you talking to her?" Martina asks.
I shrug. "She talked to me."
We enter our room, and Martina reaches up to tie her hair; her shirt rides up, showing a sliver of ink on her hip bone and a belly button piercing. She tugs it down and clears her throat.
"You have a tattoo?" I ask. "And a piercing?"
She looks flustered. "I'm sure it was obvious right there."
"Hey, I wasn't insulting you. It's cool."
"And pretty fucking stupid too," she replies, sitting on her bed and rubbing her forehead. "Honestly, can we not get into this?"
"Yeah, whatever, sure." I glance down at the time on my phone, realizing I have to meet with Axel soon. "I have to leave now."
She glances at me through the mirror. "Okay, fine."
I walk outside in the comfortable evening air, devoid of suffocating humidity. Today's we're working out on the beach; Axel had mumbled about it yesterday when we were stuck in his room. I'm not disappointed, since the beach is far from the main camp. But after what happened yesterday, I don't know how to feel about Axel.
First, we nearly kissed.
And then, he blatantly ignored me.
When I'm near the entrance of the beach, I slow my pace. I see him sitting on the sand, phone in hand and his hair blowing across his forehead.
I approach him silently, waiting to see when he'll notice. Sure enough his head jerks up in and he hops to his feet.
"You scared me," he says, holding his chest. It's kind of cute seeing him frightened.
"Sorry," I say. "What do you have in mind for today?"
His lips curl in amusement. "I'm planning on giving you a break today."
I glance up. "Define 'break.'" I use air quotes for emphasis.
"I mean we're not exercising today. I swear this camp is overkill." He mutters the second sentence. "Anyway, don't you remember what today is?"
Today? I search through my memory, but it quickly hits me like a brick. "It's the Fourth of July. How did I forget?"
"Bad memory?" he tries with a smirk. "Come on, follow me," he says, walking to the entrance of the beach to leave. We cross the pavement and a parking lot comes into view. Axel walks over to a sporty silver sedan and unlocks it.
"Nice car," I mumble, admiring the shiny exterior.
"So glad you like it," he answers, giving me a fake smile. He holds open the passenger door for me, and I slide onto the leather seat, which is still warm with the absorbed heat from the sun. He gets in and slams the door shut, starting up the engine and turning the air conditioning on high.
"Are we allowed to do this?" I ask. "I mean, completely skip a session and leave the camp grounds?"
"Do you want to live by the rules all the time?"
"No," I answer quietly, staring down at his clean floormats. Yes.
He drives onto the road, and I breathe a sigh of relief because we finally left this camp, at least temporarily. I haven't realized I've been craving a change.
"Where are we going?" I ask. The road is packed with cars trying to get somewhere too on this celebratory Saturday evening.
"To get you a good meal," he says. "I don't care what you say, the food at that camp sucks."
"Thank you!" I exclaim, doing a happy dance in my head. "I swear if I eat another undressed salad or protein smoothie, I'll throw up."
His car stops in the parking lot of a strip mall loaded with food places. We get out of the car, and Axel walks ahead of me. I jog to catch up, my sneakers pounding against the concrete.
"Do you always walk so fast?" I ask, letting out a breath. He turns around.
"Do you always move like a tortoise?"
"Rude."
"You like burgers right?" he asks, walking to the entrance of a hamburger place.
"Oh no, I'm actually a strict vegan, sorry," I respond as a joke. Surprisingly, he believes me.
"Wait, really?"
"No," I chuckle. "Do I look like the kind of girl who says 'no' to ice cream?"
He laughs, and I see the faintest laugh lines next to his eyes. I always find them oddly attractive. "Only you, Whitney," he murmurs.
Inside the restaurant, laughter and the clinking of plates resonate. A little boy throws his head in laughter, his father leaning across the table and speaking with a wide grin. I find myself unconsciously watching them; Axel is doing the same.
"Let's find a seat," I say, placing my hand on his forearm. A waitress leads us to a booth in the back of the restaurant near an elderly couple bickering over what drinks to order.
"Are you alright?" I ask Axel gently, placing a hand on the table. He looks up, putting on a straight face.
"Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry," he blurts, but I doubt that. A cheerful waitress comes by and hands us a menu each, asking if we'd like anything to drink. We both opt for water.
"What do you want to order?" he asks. "Don't feel ashamed to get the biggest burger on the menu with fries. This is a judgment free zone for once."
"Okay then. I'll have the jalapeño cheeseburger and fries."
He orders for both of us when the waitress returns with our waters.
"Axel," I say after a minute. "Are you in college?"
"I actually graduated in May," he answers, his fingers toying with a salt packet from the table. "What about you?"
"I start my first year this upcoming semester."
"You're young..." he remarks to himself.
"Not really," I reply. "I mean, I'm not twelve." Though, there is an undeniable three-year age gap between us. Not that I mind my men slightly older...
Shut up, Whitney.
He chuckles. "I guess you're right."
After the food arrives on two large plates, my stomach grumbles. The burger looks mouthwateringly juicy and the fries hot and plentiful. "Thank you," I tell the waitress and pick up a fry from my plate.
We don't say much during dinner, but I enjoy it more than any loud, conversation-filled meal I've had. I took the time to watch him, study his mannerisms, like how he wouldn't eat an even slightly overdone fry or touch the ketchup.
"I'm stuffed," I say, pushing away the plate with a chunk of burger left.
"Same here," he answers. He calls for the check and pays for the meal. Being honest, I would have offered, if I wasn't so broke at the moment.
Night is almost here, the sky a deep blue tinted with the slightest bit of orange, as we walk outside, and the air carries a light breeze. I close my eyes for a moment and enjoy the wind's touch on my skin.
"Come on," Axel urges, motioning for me to continue. I hurry to catch him, and we go to his car. Only this time he doesn't unlock it. Instead, he hops onto the trunk.
"What are you doing?" I ask him, puzzled. He grabs my hand and pulls me onto the trunk beside him.
"Lie back and look at the sky," he says. One by one fireworks explode into the night, red, white and blue showering the darkness. A few explode so loud I jump, and Axel grabs my arm to keep me from falling off his car.
"It's so pretty from here," I remark, mesmerized by the view from upside down.
"Yeah, isn't it?" he replies and reaches a hand out to the sky as if the fireworks were tangible. I do too and both of our hands are in the air. For some reason, our hands gravitate to each other's, and he clamps his over mine.