Jo
AT NIGHT, I sit back and lean against the headboard before sitting my opened laptop on my thighs. King is sleeping in my room tonight, so I place my earbuds in so he won't wake up.
I move the cursor to the search bar and type in the words 'Elynne and Fellie' and even before I'm done typing, some results come out already. I click on the first one and a familiar face comes into view.
It's a YouTube channel with nineteen videos and close to a hundred subscribers. The first video starts to play and a girl's face is the first thing I see. Ellie. Flynn's sister and absolute lookalike. They're so identical, it's hard to believe they're four years apart. It's dated six years ago so her babyish features explain a lot. She's seated in front of a piano and her dark hair is up in a loose ponytail. She adjusts the camera and gives a shy wave.
"Hi everyone. I'm Ellie and this is my brother, Flynn." She points at the empty space beside her and then she sighs and turns her head.
"Flynn, come on," she whines with a pout. "You promised."
Very slowly, a head and then the rest of a twelve year old boy comes into a view. I can't stop the smile that bursts out on my face. Twelve year old Flynn is the cutest kid I've ever seen. He barely looks at the camera as he sits next to her and his mop of hair flops to the side.
"This is my brother, Flynn and this is our YouTube Channel," she beams. "Sorry, he's a little shy."
Flynn looks up and sighs before rolling his eyes and looking away. Ellie doesn't mind though. If anything, she smiles even wider.
"I play the piano and he playsâ" she pauses and stretches a hand to him to complete her statement.
"The guitar." He says in an unenthusiastic tone. He looks like he wants to run away.
Ellie nods. "Correct. His guitar isn't here right now so he's just going to cheer me up while I play a song for you. Right?"
Flynn nods and then he turns and whispers something in her ears. She stares at the screen once he's done whispering and then she says, "He said if I let him leave now, he'll get us ice cream later."
"You didn't have to say that out loud."
She blinks once. "Oh. Anyway, my answer is no. Come on." She drags him closer and he pinches his nose in frustration before reluctantly doing what she wants. She plays a very familiar Elton John song and it catapults me to a memory where my dad would waltz out of tune with my mum on a Saturday morning to it while Drew and I pretended we were throwing up in the distance. There was love in their eyes when they gazed at each other and suddenly, my dad was gone without an explanation.
I blink and return my attention to Ellie's performance but she's rounding off already and Flynn seems more relaxed than how uptight he looked few minutes ago. I go ahead and watch the rest of the videos, laughing at some and internally gushing at how cute they are and how similar their mannerisms are. Flynn plays his guitar in some of the videos and I admire how they match so well as siblings. They have the same smile, the same frown and similar things amuse them.
The last video was uploaded three years ago and when it starts to play, I notice how forced Flynn's smiles are compared to how they were in the previous ones. They're dressed in funny looking costumes and crazy hair.
"Happy Halloween," she cheers after her usual introduction. She's eleven now, so she looks a bit mature than the first video. "I'm dressed as a crazy chef and this is what I'll be cooking today." She laughs as she gestures at Flynn's ridiculous costume. He's dressed as a large brown, roughly peeled potato and his lips are pursed into a thin line. He gives a small wave and looks away. Ellie notices and she gives him a glare before returning to the screen.
"I can't wait to hear what you guys are wearing for Halloween. My friend Marla is wearing a clown costume and Druig is going to be The Gringe. Sofia is going to be Barbie and Amaya wants to look like her grandma."
She drones on and on about her friend's costumes and Flynn clenches his jaw each time she says a new name. He abruptly turns around and leaves and Ellie doesn't look too surprised as she watches him go.
"My brother's a potato head. An annoying one." She sighs and then she lowers her voice like she doesn't want anyone to hear. "I'd play you a song I practiced with my brother but he's being a grump."
She sits down and zooms in on herself. "Last week, we visited the hospital and the doctor said I haveâ" she looks left and right and covers one side of her mouth with her hand. "Flynn didn't want me to say it but the doctor said I have cancer. And it's me and not him and mum and dad say I'll be fine but he won't stop being an ass. Language, sorry." She slaps her mouth and her eyes widen.
"Ellie? We're going to be late." Talia shouts from nearby and then she sighs and the camera shakes as she gets up.
"Coming."
She stumbles around, looking for a shoe and then she awkwardly sits the camera at the corner before grumbling to herself while fixing a nasal cannula around her nose.
"This is my new friend, Patrick." She says, knocking the gas tank twice. "I have to take him everywhere I go so he's a part of the family now. I think Flynn is jealous." She giggles that last part and then her face turns solemn.
"Ellie! I'm coming up."
She shrieks and hastily waves. "I'll tell you the rest later. Subscribe andâ" The video comes to an end. That's it.
I close my laptop after that and stare at the ceiling for a while with three words spinning round my head. Ellie has cancer.
I'd assumed it was a terminal disease from the look of things but hearing the truth doesn't make it sound any better. I lower myself further into the bed and bring my covers up to my chest. I close my eyes but I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I keep wondering how Flynn must be doing and how Talia shows up at the store with beaming smiles on her face. You wouldn't know anything was wrong. I don't know if I'd be able to do that if someone I knew had cancer or any terminal disease. For the first three years after my diagnosis, I let diabetes define me. I hated myself, hated the illness because I blamed dad's disappearance on it. He'd left shortly after I was diagnosed and he'd lost his job shortly before that.
I open my eyes again because I can't stop thinking. What do I do when I see Flynn again? Do I tell him I'm aware of his sister's condition? Would he feel angry because I hadn't let him tell me first? Would he know what to say in fact? I grab my phone but not because I want to call him now but because the whole sibling thing makes me think of my brother. Even though I'm sure he won't respond, I dial his number and tuck my lip between my teeth.
The last time we talked, things didn't end well. Thanksgiving is tomorrow which also means, I'll be 18 tomorrow. Tonight, I'm not excited about it like I've secretly been. I just want to know how he's doing. Of course, it rings and rings but Andrew Pryce doesn't respond. It goes straight to voicemail. I send him a text afterwards and toss my phone aside.
You're the best brother ever.
I reach under my bed and grab my stack of gift cards and recorded voice messages that my dad sent to me on my birthday after he left. I'm glad Flynn didn't see any of this when he was in my room the other night. I read each one, one at a time and a small smile graces my face. I should be mad. I should be mad at a man who abandoned his family without any form of explanation. I should be mad at a man who broke my family after he left. I should be mad at a man who abandoned me at the park and told me to count from one to hundred even though he knew he wasn't going to come back for me. And sometimes I am but sometimes I'm not. Sometimes, all I want to do is hear his voice again or listen to him laugh at some funny experiment I came up with. I want him to tuck me to bed again and fix up a new set of glow-in-the-dark stars because theses ones are old. That's one of the reasons why Drew probably hates me. Because he knows that if dad came back today, I'd run to him and welcome him with open arms.
â
WHO WAKES UP to hypoglycemia on the morning of their birthday?
That's right. I do.
Mum's plans to surprise me at six in the morning falls through because immediately she walks in, I jerk up from the bed because I'm hot all over. My pillow is soaked with sweat and my head is heavy. I already know my day is going to seem like a big pile of shit but I'm hopeful. I'm hopeful because I'll hear from dad today.
She hurriedly drops the cake on the table and I look over at it as she searches for my blood glucose meter. It's a red and white cake, lit up with eighteen candles and a smiley face because there's no space for longer words.
"Where's your glucose gel?" Mum asks as she pricks my thumb with the lancet and places my thumb on the meter.
My mouth is dry as I speak and the amount of sweat gathering on my forehead and neck is too uncomfortable for me. "I ran out."
Mum sends me a sharp look. "You ran out? And you didn't tell me? Are you trying to hurt yourself?"
The meter displays the figure 53 mg/dL and mum sends me an alarmed look. I send her a tight-lipped smile even though I'm panicking internally. She moves about, searching through my stuff, most definitely looking for my glucagon injection.
"You're going to be okay." She assures me but she's trembling. I haven't had a severely low blood sugar since the few times I had some when I first got diagnosed.
I think my eyes are slowly closing because she's telling me to open them and she's screaming for her mum to get her car keys. I close my eyes and smile wryly to myself.
Yay. Happy birthday to me.
AN: i'm incredibly sorry for these overdue updates. i got back to school recently and it's my first year as a Med student so settling down and trying to adjust to the new semester, took up much of my time. thanks again for reading and happy holidaysð