Jo
THERE ARE MANY things I can hear by the lake. I can hear the buzzing of cicadas, the chirping of crickets, the bullfrogs croaking in the lake, the calm sound of the lazy waves on the lake and even the occasional cries from the owl at the top of the pine tree. But I can also hear the ones so close to me. Like the fear in Flynn's voice and the labored breath he's struggling to take in after revealing the reason why he stopped swimming.
"You drowned," I start carefully. I talk as if I'm walking on eggshells. "How did that happen?"
It's almost unbelievable to stomach the fact that a top swimmer like him could drown without a substantial reason. Most of the reasons people drown are usually because they can't swim or are beginner swimmers who haven't gotten fully acquainted with the water yet.
"Anyone can loose themself in the water, Jo. No matter how good you are. That's what Coach used to say to us at every practice." He says. "And I didn't believe that until I almost died in it."
"I'm sorry. I justâ" I pause and then I brush the wet lock of hair from my face and frown. "But what about the scar on your shoulder? You told me it was related to the reason why you stopped swimming. Carter told me you fell down the stairs but I knew he was lying."
"Which means you also know about my sister?"
"Yes," I admit. "YouTube."
"She wouldn't let me take down that video, no matter how much I tried."
"At least, I finally know how you came up with your username."
He smiles a little. "Fair enough."
"I'm sorry about Ellie."
He brushes his hair away from his face. It's still wet so beads of water are still running down his temples.
"It wasn't exactly a lie." He says, looking down at the water. "I did fall down the stairs."
There are no traces of lies in his words. My brows lift on their own. "You did?"
"Myâyes." He stammers and balls his hands into fists. "I fell down the stairs, hurt my shoulder and drowned afterwards because I couldn't swim properly with a bad shoulder."
"Who pushed you down the stairs?"
He lifts his gaze from the water and fixes it pointedly at me. "It was an accident." He clenches his jaw as he speaks. "Can we talk about something else?"
I shake my head and let out a shaky breath. "No. I don't think it's fair that you know everything about me and you keep hiding things from me."
"And what if I'm not ready to talk about it? Huh?"
"But that's not the case, is it?" I narrow my eyes at him. "You want to say it. It's at the tip of your tongue. You're just scared I might see the person who did this to you in a bad light. You're trying to protect them."
"Jo," he says, touching my face. "It wasn't intentional. He'd never hurt me. He'd never hurt anyone."
I hold his wrist and nod. "Okay. I get it, it was an accident. Just tell me why your dad pushed you down the stairs."
He drops his hand from my face and nods. "Okay."
I interlace my fingers with his and raise the fist it formed to his face with a small grin. He lets out a breathy laugh and scratches his left eyebrow with his second hand.
"Remember when I told you about my dad having nightmares about the army?"
I nod and allow him continue.
"Usually, his episodes occurred after a nightmare so eventually, he found a way to feel better at night but it was slowly turning him into an alcoholic. He kept a stash of alcohol under the bed in case he ever got a nightmare and when my mum found out, she got rid of them. When Ellie's cancer came back after going into remission, things just, I don't know. Everything became worse.
"The only time I felt at peace was when I went for a swim so I did just that. Every time, everyday, I was swimming because it made me forget that there was a possibility that I could loose Ellie for real this time. I developed an ache in my shoulder but I overlooked it and didn't tell anyone about it. One night, I was heading up to my room after a swim when I saw him wheeling himself out of the room. He looked desperate and when he saw me, he asked me to help him down the stairs so he could get a drink from the fridge. But I knew better and I refused and we got into a fight."
He blinks once. "He got mad. He got so mad and so desperate and I'd never seen him look at me that way before. I shouldn't have argued with him. I could have just walked away but I didn't and he leaned forward and pushed me down with all his might. I don't know what happened after that. I just woke up in the ER with a fractured shoulder and a broken neck."
There are a lot of things I feel right now but annoyance takes the lead. "Do you hate him?"
He twiddles his thumb with mine absentmindedly. "Sometimes, I try not to. He's a great dad and the best husband but he let the army ruin him. Sometimes, I want to look him in the eye and say 'You ruined my life' and then I remind myself that it may not have been that bad if I'd complained about the ache in my shoulder earlier." He turns to look at me. "Do you hate your dad? Even after what you found out about him today?"
A breath of laughter leaves my mouth. "I don't know." I answer truthfully. "I don't know if I can ever hate him. I hate that he left and I hate what he's done but I hate the fact that I don't hate him. That I may never hate him."
"You know, at the hospital, they told me going back to swimming was a 50-50 and just like, I lost my scholarship." He scoffs. "It was too early for me to swim after my surgery but I went in regardless. I was furious, felt like a failure. Foolishness on my part, by the way. I went in and for a moment, all I could feel apart from the ache in my shoulder was the crazed look in his eyes before he pushed me. And then I couldn't breathe. Before I knew it, I was sinking."
"Have you ever considered going back?"
He laughs but it's derisive. "Many times. But all of a sudden, I feel suffocated once I'm near the pool and I instantly want to leave."
The guilt that comes upon me is so great that I can't help but apologize immediately. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have forced you to come in."
He gives my hand a light squeeze. "Please, don't apologize. It makes me feel like shit."
I smile regardless. "Alright. I take it back. How do you feel?"
"Less like shit."
"Good enough."
He looks at his watch and then he looks at the sky. "It's starting soon." He dips his hand into the pocket of his hoodie and brings out a little wrapped present. "Here. I got you something."
I take it from him and blush. "Can I open it?"
He nods. "Go on."
"Give me a sec," I say before hastily fixing my insulin pump since I'd taken it off to swim and then I turn to him. "Okay. I'm ready."
I rip off the wrapping paper and see a little box. I hold the box with my fingers and narrow my eyes at him even though anxiety is killing me. "What's in it?"
He looks amused. "It's right in front of you. Open it."
"But you gave it to me."
He laughs. "Just open the damn box, Pryce."
"Fine." It's really small so it's not hard to open it. When I do, I see one folded piece of paper. I unfold it and hold it at the ends and the more I stare at it, the more my face heats up.
"When did you draw this?"
"Honestly," he scratches his head and shrugs. "It's been a while. It's the first thing I did when I came home from school that day. It's the first time I drew you."
From my posture and the surroundings, I remember this day as clear as crystal. It was the day I'd agreed to this scheme of his. At the pool, shortly after Craig had stormed off. I was pretending to read a book so I wouldn't look too desperate waiting for him since he was talking to his coach. I didn't think he was looking.
"The first time you drew me?"
He nods.
"Does that mean there are others?"
"Hey, I draw whatever comes to mind. What am I supposed to do when you invade my thoughts every now and then?" He dips his hand into his pocket and brings out his car keys. "Here."
How can he just say stuff like that so confidently? My cheeks are still burning from what he just said. I look down at his keys with uncertainty. "You're giving me your car?"
He snorts. "You wish. My car's over there." He points at a distance. "What I got you is actually in there. I gave you this, because I felt like I owed you the drawing. Besides, you wanted to see my sketches the other day."
"You've had your car sitting right there the whole time?"
"Yes. We came through a different route. There's no way you could have seen it."
"Why didn't you just bring whatever it is with you?"
"Cos it's goddamn heavy. Plus, it would ruin the surprise."
I pull up my jeans, get to my feet and give him a suspicious glance.
"What?"
"What's what?"
"Why the hell are you staring at me like that?"
"Most of the time, in horror movies, once the girl goes somewhere alone in the middle of the night to get something, she usually dies on the way."
"Well, it's a good thing I don't watch horror."
I zip up my jacket and give him a wary glance before turning to the direction he pointed his car to be. I press the button and it makes a beeping sound before the car doors open on their own. I move closer and closer and then when I lean down a little to get a closer look at what's in the passenger seat, I flick my damp hair behind and my lips spread into the biggest smile.
Right on the seat, sits a heavy looking book bouquet with six new books arranged in order of descent. All six are novels that I've been saving up to buy for a while now. There's a smaller bouquet of fresh flowers right beneath the first book and I take out a flower from where everything is tied at the base with a bow. When I bring it to my nose, I see a small gift card fall to the ground. I lift it up and see a small handwritten note.
Happy birthday. That's all it reads. I cover my face with my hands and beam like a fool.
I clear my throat once I'm done and close the door. Then I shove my hands into the pockets of my jacket and walk back to the dock. I return his keys to him and take a seat right next to him, just like earlier.
I send him a shy smile. "How did you know I wanted those books?"
"Sometimes, you're a real hot mess and sheets of papers tend to slip out of your journals at the library. I saw your list just like I saw your poem."
"Somehow, this has managed to be my worst and best birthday yet." I smile genuinely. "Thanks a lot, Tris."
He nods. "We're just going to let that one slide today." He looks at his hands and then he looks back at me. "Do you, uhâdo you want to come with me to see my sister on Saturday? If it's not a bother, that is. She's been meaning to say hi for a while."
"I'd love to."
His eyes dart to my lips and back to the rest of my face. "Thanks. She'd love that."
We're sitting so close now and every inch of my body is aware of his presence. I'm not sure which one of us leans forward first but we're close enough that I can feel his breath fanning my lips.
"If you're going to do it, do it now." He says.
"Do what?"
"Kiss me now." His thumb brushes my hip. "Please."
A beam of light passes through the water and I reluctantly drag my gaze away from him. When I look down at the water, I see another one and when I look up at the sky, I find him already staring at it.
Multiple bright streaks of light race through the sky as if they're in a competition with one another. They differ in brightness and some are so bright, they leave luminous trails in their wake. It's mesmerizing and utterly beautiful but after a few minutes of watching the view, I realize there's something else present apart from the awe I feel from staring at the sky.
It's the fact that my skin is burning from the intense proximity with Flynn on the dock. The urge to press my mouth to his is maddening and highly intoxicating and after a few seconds of contemplating, I rip my gaze from the sky and slip my fingers through his silky hair.
He turns to look at me and he doesn't speak even when I leave my sitting position and straddle him. His hands rest on my hips and he looks up at me silently. I don't know what this means or what it would turn out to be but we shouldn't be kissing when people aren't around. We kiss for show but now, we're the only ones here. There's no-one to pretend for and there's no-one to make jealous. It's just two of us. Alone.
I ignore the beaming sky because my heart is racing and so is his and because of that, I give in to the intense desire and kiss him softly.
His response is immediate and he kisses me back slowly. His lips are warm and soft and one of his hands hold the back of my head in place while the other wraps itself around my waist. He kisses me repeatedly and I enjoy the feel of his silky strands against my fingers. He pulls away and kisses my jaw, my chin, my nose, my cheeks, my forehead and then he dips his head lower and attaches his lips to my neck.
What I feel is a rush of heat and excitement. It bursts and spreads everywhere. My face, my arms, my entire body. I don't think of anything else except for the fact that he's kissing me. I don't remember anything else. I don't see anything else. I just know that his body is pressed against mine and with every kiss, I'm responsive enough to feel him smile against my skin. I grip his hair a little bit tighter and when he brings his mouth back to mine, he kisses me hard and deep. Our lips part and his tongue slowly caresses mine. I breathe him in because he steals my breath away. His cologne, his shampoo, his ice-cream flavored breath.
He pulls me closer to him like I'll leave if he doesn't do that, our chests press against each other and he doesn't stop kissing me and that's good, because I don't want him to. When I nibble on his lower lip, the sound he makes, makes the heat in my body intensify. He groans softly, low in his throat and pulls away.
We're both breathing hard and his lips like mine, are slightly swollen and red. My heart is running a mile a minute as I stare at him and his thumbs are tracing lines on my skin beneath my shirt.
"When do you want to leave?"
"I don't know," I smile and shrug. "But definitely not right now."
He pokes his cheek with his tongue and smiles. "You have a beautiful smile, Jo. And beautiful eyes. A beautiful nose and a fucking beautiful mouth." He kisses my mouth once and pulls away.
"You forgot to add skilled."
"Maybe."
I narrow my eyes at him. "Maybe?"
He looks me in the eye and smirks. "Maybe. Or maybe you could show me how good you are."
"I'm good at a lot of things. Kissing is one of them."
"Right." He says and tugs my hips to his in one fluid motion. "Well, seeing is believing. Or in this case, kissing is."
"Kissing."
"Yes." He nods. "Mouthâ" he kisses me. "To mouth." He kisses me again.
Butterflies flutter in my stomach instantly and I lean forward and grab his face with my hands. "Ask and you shall receive."
"Good." His eyes darken as he lies back on the wood and props himself up with his elbows. "Now kiss me like you mean it."
AN: happy new year!!