Jo
I'VE NEVER BEEN more fascinated by the way steam rises from a cup until now. It's like mist, almost invincible but I see it slowly rise in waves and then dissipate softly. I've been watching it do the same thing ever since the cup of coffee was placed it front of me and I haven't looked up or said a word to the man in front of me because I don't know how to begin.
Any minute from now, it's going to run cold.
"I didn't get to see you the last time I stopped by," Dad says, breaking the silence. "You've grown up so much."
I'm staring at the dark, brown liquid in my cup but I blink when he speaks. Like his voice pulled me out of a trance. It's still the same. But when I look up at him, he's aged. Thin grey hairs peak at me through his neatly combed hair and there are wrinkles around his eyes, forehead and lips. He looks older than his age.
I don't say anything in response. I'm just looking at him and how much Drew looks like him. I'm just looking at him and remembering how much pain he caused us when he left.
His lips lift a little, like he remembers something and he lifts his cup again and brings it to his mouth. "You know, I didn't think I'd see you again."
"You left." Is all I say.
He nods like he's ashamed. "I know how much that hurt youâ"
I don't know what annoys me most. How casually he speaks about this or how looking at him makes me torn between lashing out at him and hugging him so tight, he can't run away again. "No, you don't. You absolutely have no idea of how much you hurt me, Drew and Mum so don't even say that."
He stretches his hands on the table and reaches for mine but I don't accept them. Hurt flashes through his eyes when I do and he rubs a hand over his chin. "Everyone makes mistakes, Josephine. We're human. We're not beyond that."
"That's your excuse?" I ask incredulously. "That's why you left me at the park all by myself just to abandon the rest of us and flee with another woman who was carrying your child? That's why you stopped sending child support after the first year and left mum to handle it all by herself? That's why you thought you were better off without us? Because you're human and you make mistakes or because you're selfish and the only person you think about is yourself?"
He looks round when a few heads turn to us and lowers his voice. "Josephine, if we're going to talk, I'm going to need you to calm down."
I had no idea I was agitated enough to the extent that I'd started raising my voice in his face. I lean back against the chair and exhale like I'm out of breath. I grab the cup in front of me and lift it to my mouth but it's gone cold and it annoys me even further.
"You're mad, I get it." Dad says. "I left without a word and I'm sorry, okay? What I did wasn't good enough but we can move past that. I'm not the same man I was five years ago. We canâ" He gets interrupted when his phone rings and his lips seal into a tight line when he glances at his phone.
"Look," he says, tucking his phone back into his pocket. "I need to leave." Again. "I'm sorry, baby but it's urgent. Let's try this tomorrow, okay?"
He gets to his feet and takes out a card from his pocket before scribbling a few words on it and placing it in front of me. "Let's meet up here. Think about it, okay?" He smiles and then he turns around and leaves without another word.
I snap out of my dumbfounded state because everything that just happened, happened in a blur. I glance at his familiar writing on the white card and stare at the door he just walked out of.
He didn't even pay for our coffees.
â
FLYNN HOLDS MY hand while we walk towards the cabin. His fingers are interlaced with mine and distant conversation from afar, already tells me the others are outside. I'd suggested to get home before me while I spoke to dad but Flynn wanted to stay behind with me so while we were at the cafe, he had been sitting outside and waiting for me to come out.
"How did it go?" He asks finally and I sigh. He didn't ask me any questions in the Uber and I'd been silently grateful because I didn't feel like talking.
"It just happened so fast," I reply. "One minute, he was there and the next, he was gone. I lashed out at him and we didn't get to talk."
There are a lot of things I didn't say, a lot of things I didn't ask either.
"Did you give him a chance to say anything?"
"I tried. But he gave such a lazy bullshit as an excuse and I got mad."
He doesn't say anything for a while as we get closer to the front door.
"He wants to meet up again tomorrow," I tell him. "He wants us to start over."
"Do you want to start over?"
My immediate response should be no because I should hate this man for what he did to us and I shouldn't want to have anything to do with him anymore but I can't just do it. I can't bring myself to hate him, no matter how hard I try. Throughout the ride back here, I'd let myself consider a lot of what ifs.
What if he's changed? What if he really wants to start over? What if we can bury the past and move on? What if he leaves again? What if he hurts me again?
"I don't know," I answer honestly. "And I hate myself for it."
Flynn squeezes my hand when their voices get louder and kisses my knuckles. "Whatever you decide to do is fine and you don't need to hate yourself for it. Sometimes, you're allowed to be selfish too. Just remember you're not alone and I'm here for you," he gestures to the cabin. "We all are."
I look down because my eyes already feel watery. "Thanks."
"There you are," I hear Amanda's voice say and when I look up, she's walking towards us with a can of cola in one hand. "I was sure I was hearing voices. We're at the lakefront. We made a campfire and a bunch of s'mores."
She walks towards me and locks her elbow with mine before dragging me away from Flynn.
"You okay?" She asks in my ears. "We were worried about you."
"I'm okay." I nod, cleaning my eyes with the base of my palm because I didn't want to cry in front of Flynn. I nod again with a tiny grin after I've composed myself. "I'm good."
She grins as well. "Alright. Come on."
The rest of them are gathered around a campfire, holding sticks of toasted marshmallows and cans of soda. There's a small cooler next to Cass and a box of pizza while the opened bag of marshmallows, a couple of sandwiches and s'mores sit in a small basket. The lake ahead is clear and undisturbed and under the moonlight, it looks like it's glowing. It reminds me of the lake back at home, only smaller.
When they see me approaching, Khalid stops his story for a moment and Amanda waves her hands back and forth.
"She's alright. You can carry on with your web of lies."
Khalid scoffs at Amanda as Flynn and I take our seats while Cass hands us paper plates with sandwiches and cans of soda.
"It's not a lie."
Ellie laughs from where she's sitting. She's wrapped in layers of jackets and blankets and her head warmer covers her eyebrows. She toys with her nasal cannula while she speaks. "It's written all over your face. Carter's the dumb one, yet he knows you're lying."
"Actually, I was there when it happened. Flynn was too. We all were." Carter says, pointing an accusing finger at Flynn.
"What happened?" I ask and Cass clears her throat before she speaks.
"6th grade, summer camp. Khalid peed in his pants in front of everyone because he kissed a girl and she rejected him."
"It wasn't even a real kiss," Amanda laughs. "It was a peck on the cheek."
Flynn nudges me on the side. "You don't remember? Pissy Missy?"
"Oh my god," I start laughing when the memory clicks. I turn to Khalid. "That was you?"
Khalid leans back on his elbows. "That's not exactly what happened. Look, her name was Anita and she scared me, okay?"
"She was bigger than the rest of us. Some people said she was fourteen but Khalid had a crush." Cass says and Amanda nods.
"Yeah, he's always been into older girls."
"I wasn't going to do anything about it. I was talking about it to a group of friends and then youâ" he points at Carter and Carter lifts his hands in mock surrender. "You urged me to kiss her in front of everyone. You and Flynn. We weren't even friends then."
"Everyone knew Carter and Flynn in 6th grade," Cass says. "Carter was the troublesome one, Flynn was rather quiet."
Carter sits up. "But what you guys don't know is that, this fucker right here was the brain behind everything. I was just the executioner."
Everyone turns to the culprit sitting next to me and he shrugs. "Don't judge me. Sometimes I got bored."
"I never would have guessed," Amanda says. "Was the nickname your idea?"
"Of course it was." Khalid huffs and Cass raises her hand.
"Actually, that was my idea."
"I refuse to believe that."
She laughs and Ellie laughs alongside with her. "Your pants were wet and you were crying like a girl. I had to but hey, you're a ladies' man now, so we can move past that."
Khalid grabs an empty can of soda and tosses it to her head. She ducks and it rolls away from her. "Write today's date on your palm, Cassandra. We are done."
Amanda sticks about six marshmallows on her stick and lifts it over the fire. "You know in 6th grade, I thought Jo was a snob. She and Hana were always together, barely talking to other people. I thought they were rude but deep down, I was jealous of their friendship."
I laugh because Hana and I are not what we used to be before. Then, she didn't want anyone else to ruin our bubble and I wasn't much of a talker anyway. When I got older, I realized she did that because she thought we were odd, different from the rest of the kids in our grade because we were diabetic and not able to consume as much sugar or indulge in so much sweet junk that other kids could.
"I did too." Khalid says. "Honestly, I think we all did."
"Except me." Flynn says, brushing his shoulder with mine. "I thought she was cute."
"Yes because you crushed on her for pretty much most of our childhood." Carter blurts out and Amanda gasps.
"Is that true?"
Flynn chuckles and dusts his hands against his jeans. "Yes."
"Oh my god," Cass exclaims, poking my shoulder. "Would you look at that?"
I pretend like I'm not blushing but the flames illuminate our faces and it will only take a few seconds before everyone sees that I'm pink.
"The first time we saw you was at the park," Carter says. "Flynn's parents and mine used to have this family picnic every Saturday at the park when we were much younger. Ellie ran off at some point so Flynn and I had to go look for her since we were getting ready to go home. We split up and I found Ellie first but Flynn found you instead." He laughs and Ellie nods.
"I don't remember you but I do remember running off with some of my friends from school. They were having a tea party. I had to tag along."
"Anyway, we found him staring at you. You were on the swing, alone and you looked kind of sad while muttering something. I thought it was weird but I had to drag them away since his mum was calling. See, I've always been responsible for these two. Might as well be their older brother."
Flynn and Ellie scoff at the same time. "You wish."
I smile when everyone else laughs at their banter but that day at the park had to be the day my dad left. I hadn't been aware of my surroundings then. I only had one thought in my mind while I was counting. Dad is coming back soon.
Flynn and I share a look when they start arguing about something and I think he knows what I'm thinking already.
"This is exactly how I'd pictured this night to be in my bucket list," Ellie says, wringing her fingers together. "And to make it even better, Flynn is going to sing for us."
"Huh?"
"Yup. I played the piano at the sleepover. It's your turn. So, Carter helped me sneak your guitar here."
All of a sudden, I see Khalid walking towards us with the guitar I'd seen in Flynn's room the other night. I didn't even know when he stood up to get it.
He drops it on Flynn's hands and goes back to rest his head on Cass's thighs. Flynn hesitates for a hot minute and looks at us.
"I don't know, I haven't played in a while. I might be a little rusty."
"Go on, dude. I'm tone deaf. I wouldn't even notice a thing." Khalid says and Cass agrees.
"I haven't seen you play before," I say as I reach out for a s'more only to discover that there's nothing left. "You'll adjust eventually."
Amanda opens the box of pizza and passes slices on paper plates around while Flynn plucks the strings at first.
"Play Lakehouse," Ellie smiles and then sighs. "I wish my piano was here. Why can't it be easily moved about like a guitar?"
Cass slaps her forehead like she just remembered something and turns to Ellie. "Right, that reminds me. Ellie, what do you think about performing a piece at our winter formal?"
Ellie's mouth drops to the ground.
"Flynn told us how you've always wanted to play in front of a live audience. That's why you started your YouTube channel in the first place, right? I brought it up at the student's council while we were preparing for the formal and no one had a problem with it. Besides, we always hire outsiders to play for us and they strip us of most of our money."
Ellie frowns. "But I'm also an outsider."
"Not exactly," Amanda chips in. "The whole school loves Flynnâsorry Joâand since he's one of us, you're not a stranger. And if anything at all, your mum is funding the entire entertainment section because of you."
"She wanted it to be a surprise." Flynn says and Ellie places her hands on her cheeks. Her smile is so wide, it makes me smile too.
"So what do you say?"
Her smile drops and a frown mars her face. "What if I don't do well?"
"You will." Carter says and Khalid agrees.
"I might be tone deaf but you're talented. You'll do great. I'm sure of it."
She nods excitedly. "Okay. I'll do it."
I tap on the strings of Flynn's guitar and he looks at me. "Now, do yours."
"Alright." He says, this time without hesitation and starts to play.
We fall silent when he sings but minutes later, Ellie joins in. Nobody else does. We just let them harmonize in sync and it's beautiful.
AN: three chapters left. thank you for sticking aroundâ¤ï¸