Casper
A rather manic sort of laughter filled the room, and it took me a couple of seconds to realise it was coming from me.
I went back over to the sofa and flopped down on it.
I couldn't believe it. I would have never believed it. I never saw it coming.
I finally stopped laughing and looked over to see Joel stood silently next to the couch.
"The worst thing about this," I said, wiping my eyes from all the laughter, "the worst thing, is that this time I can tell you're not lying. You actually believe it." I let out a sort of snorting noise, in an attempt to stifle the laughter that was threatening to spill out once again.
I looked over at Joel. His eyes were locked onto me, giving off icy chills, and his arms were folded across his chest.
"I never thought you would turn into one of those demented werewolves that would swear blind that they were my mate."
The scowl on Joel's face deepened.
"I'm not saying you are definitely my mate, I am saying you might be. And in case you hadn't noticed, I'm not too thrilled about the idea either!"
Joel's words felt like a slap around the face.
Now a slap around the face can have one of two effects. It can bring you to your senses and clear your mind, or it can leave you sore and angry.
No need to guess what effect it had on me.
"Yeah right!" I sneered. "As if you wouldn't be thrilled to be my mate. Look at you. You're nothing but a bottom of the ladder servant wolf, with no chance of climbing any higher. You can't stand there and tell me you wouldn't want to be the alpha's mate, and enjoy all the privileges that would come with it."
My words seemed to hit Joel like little sharp stones. I watched as his whole body tensed up, and his eyes darkened like day had turned into night.
"Actually, you couldn't be more wrong," he growled, "I would never want to be mates with a jumped up arsehole like you."
He quickly made a dash for the door and as his hand stretched out towards the door knob, I could see it was shaking.
Before he opened it, he paused, took a few breaths, then turned round to face me again. The anger seemed to have vanished, and when I looked into his eyes, it was a sight that nearly took my breath away. They looked empty. Absolutely devoid of any emotion. The eyes that I had grown to love seemed to have withered and died away in front of me.
"And seen as I kept to my end of the deal, I'm reminding you to do the same and let Mark have his job back. You don't need to worry about me. I'll make sure that my work keeps me downstairs and out of your way."
"Wait!" I shouted, as he went to open the door. "I don't understand. What does you possibly being my mate have to do with Mark dropping those plates?"
Joel sighed. "He dropped them to create a distraction, because it looked like you were going to touch my face where I was bleeding."
I looked at him blankly, still not quite managing to connect all the dots.
Joel could see my confusion so continued. "Duncan put him on waiter duty to keep an eye on me, and to help if I got into any situation where we might touch, you know, sealing the bond..."
My head was whirring, trying to process all this information. "So, let me get this straight, so you've been trying not to create the bond?"
Joel let out a low chuckle, although I could see in his eyes that he wasn't amused.
"Of course I have. Don't you think I would have touched you by now if I wanted to? It's not like I haven't had the opportunity."
"So touch me now then," I said holding out my hand towards him.
He tilted his head in confusion. The action made my stomach lurch slightly.
"Come on. Touch me."
"Why would you say that?" he asked, and I heard slight pain in his voice.
"Because I'm confident you aren't my mate," I said, not allowing myself to consider whether I truly believed what I said.
Joel took a step towards me. "So you don't think it's weird that you treat me differently to the other members of staff, and that no matter how much I know I shouldn't, I can't help but look you in the eye."
I shrugged. "I didn't say I didn't like you, and maybe I was looking for some sort of a friend, and I can't help it if you think my eyes are stunning."
Joel's lips twitched at the corners, and I saw a spark of life come back to his eyes.
"You're eyes are not stunning!" he said, but I noticed that he couldn't look me in the eye while he said it.
Suddenly he did look at me with confidence again. "And how can you explain how your eyes always seek me out in the room, no matter how crowded?"
"What?" I croaked out, hoping that he couldn't see how uneasy that made me feel.
"You heard me," he said. "It has been noticed."
"By who?" I managed to splutter out.
"By Mark, and Duncan."
"Duncan?" Why wouldn't my brain work? I needed to deny it, but all I could seem to do was blurt out the odd word.
"Yes Duncan. Duncan who knows everything that goes on here. Duncan, who is also genuinely concerned that we might be mates after seeing us together."
He held out his hand towards me. "Are you sure you still want to touch me?"
I just stared at his hand in a bit of a daze. I felt like my whole world had just been turned upside down.
Duncan. I trusted Duncan. I valued his opinion. And he thought that Joel might be my mate?
I looked over at Joel and saw the concern etched across his face.
"What changed?" I asked. "Why now? Why did you not think this at the beginning?"
He licked his lips, looking a little nervous. "It was the night of your party," he began, "and you had passed out on the sofa downstairs. Simon asked me to wake you up while he went to get help, so without thinking, I went to grab your hand." He stopped like he needed to take a breath before carrying on.
"When my hand got near yours, I felt something, like a shot of electric shooting from my fingertips. And before you say anything, no it wasn't static electricity. It didn't hurt, but it sent tingles and shivers followed by a warm glow all over my body. To be honest it absolutely freaked me out. It suddenly dawned on me what this could mean."
There was silence while I tried to process this information, and Joel recovered from having to say it.
"Huh," I said eventually breaking the silence.
"Huh?" Joel repeated with a raised eyebrow.
"I'm guessing that's why you pelted me with cushions?" I said.
Joel's eyes widened. "Oh my god, is that all you've got to say?"
I smirked at his response, but that quickly disappeared as I continued to ponder over what he had said.
"I think I need some time to process everything," I said, my head still reeling with information. "Do you mind leaving now?"
"No, that's ok," he said, and made his way to the door again.
"Duncan has put me on kitchen duty so you shouldn't see much of me. And please can you do me a favour and try not to let Emily ask for me in person. It would make this a lot easier if I wasn't constantly put in your company. And just for the record, whether I am your mate or not, I think Emily is the right choice for you, and I'm happy for the two of you."
He smiled at me again, before walking out of the door and closing it quietly behind him.
I must have stood staring at the door for a full 5 minutes before I eventually collapsed onto the sofa.
_______________________________________
I didn't see my Cub again for 6 weeks. I never knew that 6 weeks could feel like such a long time.
My emotions over those six weeks had been like a rollercoaster. I'd gone from being angry with him, to being scared that maybe he actually was my mate, to being sad and depressed that I couldn't talk to him, to being relieved that he was making this easier for me by staying away.
And then the wedding was fast approaching. The last 6 weeks had been a blur of planning. Of choosing guests, music, rings, food, a cake, a best man, bridesmaids, ushers, clothes, decorations, flowers, colour themes, invitations. My god, the list was endless.
I'd kept my word to Joel. I'd reinstated his friend. Because even if it had been a crazy idea, he was just following orders he had been given by Duncan. I kept meaning to speak to Duncan about the whole thing, but I always backed out at the last minute. I always came up with some excuse, but I knew in my heart that I was just scared to hear what he had to say.
The more I thought about it, the more I wanted proof that he really wasn't my mate.
Some days I would almost convince myself to go and find him, and make him touch me, so we could just put all of this behind us. But there was always that nagging thought in the back of my mind. The one that wondered whether in fact we were mates.
It didn't help that I still had his coat. And it didn't help that on the days where I really missed him, I would still bury my nose in it and take deep breaths. And what worried me even more, is that it worked. That everytime I smelt his scent, the aching in my chest would ease just a little.
The nights were the worst. During the day, I was so busy with planning the wedding, that I wouldn't have time to think about him. But at night, when I was on my own, I would just play everything over and over in my mind. I would analyse every interaction we ever had, looking for any clues that would help me figure out whether we were mates or not.
Consequently, I hadn't slept well in weeks. And it was starting to show.
Thankfully, everyone seemed to think this was perfectly normal for a groom approaching his wedding day.
Everyone except Emily that is.
Ah Emily.
She was the one person who was getting me through all of this. She was always so positive and upbeat. She'd always know how to make me laugh, and despite the stresses involved in planning a wedding, somehow she made it fun. I felt so lucky that I was going to be marrying her.
She knew that something was wrong though. It took her a while to ask, but I knew it was coming.
We were out walking in the manor grounds after dinner. I really hadn't slept at all the night before, and after I'd yawned about 5 times, she finally said something.
"Casper, what's wrong?"
"What do you mean?" I asked, not sure what she was asking.
"I can tell you've not been sleeping. Is it the wedding? Are you worried you've made the wrong decision?"
I turned to face her, and saw that the concern in her eyes was all for me, not herself.
I took hold of her hands in mine.
"Don't ever think that again. Agreeing to marry you is without a doubt the best decision I've ever made."
Emily smiled and her cheeks got a dusting of pink on them. Her smile quickly fell off her face though as she asked, "then tell me what's wrong?"
I sighed and let go of her hands, continuing our walk.
"I don't know if I can," I said almost under my breath.
Emily quickly matched my pace and carried on walking beside me. I reached out my hand and took hers as we walked, lacing our fingers together.
Emily was silent while she thought about it, then said, "I'm not going to be angry if you feel you can't tell me. But I think it would help if you did. You see, wolves that are mated naturally together can't keep anything from their partner, because they feel everything their partner feels. So tell me Casper, if I was your true mate, what would I be feeling right now?"
Her words were spoken with such gentleness that I really did want to just tell her everything.
"Maybe it would help if you could feel what I can feel, because maybe then you'd be able to tell me what it was. Because I'm such a jumbled mess I don't even know what I feel anymore."
I felt Emily squeeze my hand, and I turned to her and smiled at the gesture.
"If you want to delay the wedding, I won't mind," she said.
"Would you stop that!" I said, firmly but kindly. "It has nothing to do with the wedding. In fact planning the wedding with you, is the one thing that is keeping me sane."
"Please Casper," she said, her eyes staring deep into mine. "Please tell me something."
I hung my head down low, shutting my eyes for a few seconds.
"I'm scared," I said.
"Of what?"
"Of losing you."
As soon as I said that, I knew it was the wrong thing to say. Her face paled a little, and she quickly looked away from me.
"Emily, please look at me," I pleaded.
She turned to face me, but her smile was forced and she looked nervous.
"Have you done something wrong?" she asked.
My eyebrows shot up when I realised what she was thinking.
"Oh no, no, nothing like that. I haven't done anything."
Emily frowned then looked away again.
I knew that I had said too much and yet not enough. There was no point in hiding it from her. It wasn't fair.
I pulled her over to a fallen tree and we sat down on its trunk.
I took a deep breath.
"I may have found my mate."
Emily took a sharp intake of breath.
"Oh, it's not what you think. And I don't even know for sure because we've not touched." I said, trying to reassure her.
Emily cocked her head on one side while looking at me questioningly.
"It's Joel," I said quietly.
Emily's eyes widened and her mouth hung open.
I smiled at her apologetically.
"Oh wow," she said, and I could see her mind whirring with unanswered questions.
"Does Joel know?" she asked.
I nodded.
"What are you going to do?" she asked.
"What we've been doing for the last 6 weeks. Avoid each other as much as possible."
Emily frowned. "So have you talked about it with him?"
"Only once, when he told me that he thought we might be mates. We've not talked since."
"So he was the one who told you then?" she clarified. "And do you think he's right?"
I sighed and ran my hand through my hair. "I don't know. And not knowing is kind of driving me crazy."
"I can imagine," she replied.
We sat in silence for a moment, each of us lost in our own thoughts.
"Casper, I er......I need to ask you something, and I need you to give me an honest answer."
I looked her in they eyes. They were looking directly at me, not wavering at all.
"Ok," I said, waiting to hear what it was.
"Ok, then. Casper, are you gay?"
I let out a snort of laughter. "What?! No, of course not."
I saw her shoulders visibly relax at my reply.
"So you've never had those sort of feelings about a guy?"
"No," I replied with absolute certainty.
"And have you had those sorts of feelings for girls before?"
I hesitated. "Well, yes, I suppose......but it's not like I've been with anyone. I was waiting to find my mate."
It wasn't uncommon for werewolves not to have any relationships before finding their mate. It just wasn't in our nature to want to be with others in that way. What was the point if they weren't your mate.
Emily looked like she was thinking over my answer.
She looked down at her hands before asking, "Do you think you could have those sorts of feelings about me?"
"Yes, of course!" I replied, taking her hand in mine. "I know that it will take time for us to bond, but I feel like I'm growing closer to you every day."
Emily smiled, and I was pleased to see that it was a proper smile. One that made her eyes sparkle.
I hoped she was done with the questions, but she soon started again.
"So, if you're not gay, it wouldn't make a lot of sense for Joel to be your mate."
"No," I replied, wishing rather than believing she'd stop there.
"But yet you seem to think there could be a possibility he is."
"Mmmm" I replied, looking straight ahead rather than at her.
"Casper?"
"Yes."
"Casper?"
"Yes."
"Casper would you look at me?" she said, grabbing my chin gently but firmly and turning my face to look at hers.
"Casper, do you have feelings for Joel?"
I swallowed the lump that seemed to be lodged in my throat. "No?"
Emily smiled, looking surprisingly amused by my answer.
"Come on Casper, you can do better than that."
I sighed. "Fine, I think he's adorable, ok?" I threw that out there in the tone of a moody teenager.
Emily laughed at me, clutching hold of my leg to stop her falling off the tree.
"Why are you laughing?" I said, genuinely confused by her reaction.
"That. Was. So. Cute." She said in between fits of giggles.
"No, Joel is cute, I'm manly and handsome!" I said, part of me joking, and part of me deadly serious.
Eventually Emily calmed down. "So you think he's adorable and cute then?" she asked.
She didn't seem upset by that so I felt able to talk about it with her.
"Yes. When I'm with him, I feel kind of protective towards him. Like I want to be close to him, and keep with me at all times."
Emily nodded, showing she was listening. "And is that it?" she asked.
I looked at her and raised my eyebrow. "If you're asking if I have any sexual feelings towards him, then no I don't. I sometimes want to hug him, or stroke his head, but no, I don't have any urge to rip his clothes off."
"That's good," she said, then when she noticed me look at her with a frown, she quickly added, "I mean about you not wanting to rip his clothes off. Obviously the rest of it is not good."
I chuckled making sure she knew I wasn't offended at all. I put my arm around her shoulder and brought her into my body.
"You're amazing, do you know that?" I said, kissing the top of her head.
I felt her smile as she nuzzled her face into the right side of my chest.
After a while she pulled her head back just far enough to be able to say, "you miss him don't you?"
For the first time in our conversation, I felt the emotion of the past few weeks hit me. I bit my lip to try to stop the tears that were threatening to spill out of my eyes.
I held Emily close to my chest, partly for the comfort, and partly because I didn't want her to see that my eyes had glassed over. Did I miss my Cub?
"Every day."
Emily squeezed me tighter and I buried my nose in her hair. It smelt of flowers and summer time. It didn't give me the same feeling as smelling Joel's coat, but it was still a wonderful smell, and one that brought me instant calm.
We sat there like that until the sun began to set.
Eventually we stood up and walked, hand in hand back to the manor.
Just as we were approaching the front door, Emily stopped, and pulled me round to face her.
"Casper, will you do something for me?" she asked.
"Of course, anything," I replied.
She smiled a little guiltily at my reply and I suddenly wondered what it was I had just promised to do.
"Will you talk to Joel before the wedding?"
My eyes widened slightly, "Why?"
"Because this is happening to him as well as you. And on top of that, he also has to watch you get married. It's easier for you if you think about it. You've just cut him completely out of your life. He doesn't have that luxury. You're still his alpha, and his boss, and I'm sure that all he hears about is you, and the upcoming wedding.
"Please Casper, just promise you'll talk to him. Check he's ok. And maybe get some closure for the both of you."
I could feel my heart beating faster. It could have been the thought of having to talk to him again, or it could have been the thought that my little Cub was probably in pain right now. But I knew Emily was right.
I needed to do this.
"Yes, I promise I'll talk to him."