Ray's mind was an absolute mess right now. Like millions of threads that seemed impossible to untangle, countless thoughts were running through his head. However, they all revolved around the same words:
"I had to change school because of it."
Did he just say "change school"? that was the question he kept on asking himself, as though he was trying to confirm whether he heard what his boyfriend just said correctly. A part of him didn't want to believe what he had just been told, because he knew that if it was true, then this story wouldn't be a happy one.
It wasn't as if he expected it to be good in the first placeâMatt lost his trust in people, so it wouldn't be surprising to hear that he had gone through a tragic experience. But never did Ray expect him to transfer. Having been a formal student and now a professor, he was well aware that changing school wasn't an easy process and no one decided to do it overnight. For as far as he knew, the majority of the transfer students did it because their family moved to somewhere very far away, which made transferring necessary. However, there was another reason for them to do it, but it was a very sad one and Ray desperately hoped that it wasn't the case here.
Going through pain was part and parcel of living and growing up, but he couldn't bear the thought of his partner having to endure it so much that he was broken.
"I..." Matt said, pulling Ray out of his thoughts. "I don't know if I should really go into details about this..."
"Matt." With a firm voice, Ray took hold of Matt's shoulders, slightly startling the latter. Matt slowly removed his gaze from his hands and looked up at Ray, whose eyes were staring at him in a very serious manner as he spoke. "I'm not forcing you to tell me everything, but I want to let you know you can confide in me. I mean it. If you have any trouble that you can't tell anyone, you can always come to me, okay?"
Ray pulled Matt into a warm embrace, hugging him just like the way Matt had always hugged himâgently and lovingly. Silence engulfed the room, but unlike usual, it was probably what they needed right now, especially Matt himself. He needed to calm down before he could do anything else.
It wasn't like he wasn't ready to talk about it yet. During the three years they knew each other, not only had Ray proved that he was a reliable man who always kept his word, but he was also so understanding and non-judgmental. Matt truly found it hard not to place his trust in him, so he had no idea why he hesitated a while ago. Perhaps it was a conditioned reflex, making him flinch at the mention of coming out. Or maybe it was the fear of becoming a burden. He was always willing to let Ray lean on him for emotional support, but when it came to dealing with his own feelings, he never wanted to bother the other with it. He preferred to sort them out himself, not having to depend on anyone.
He sighed, resting his head on his boyfriend's shoulder before returning the hug.
"It's a long story..."
__________
"Well, what do you have to say now, Matthew Parker?"
The voice of the boy before Matt was scary and full of ridicule, but it wasn't what he was afraid of. The voice that absolutely frightened him was the one coming from the other's phone. To be more specific, it was the recording of the conversation he had had with the person he could no longer see as a friend.
With the mocking look the other boy was giving him, minutes felt like hours of torture. He felt trapped. He was trapped. With his back touching the wall and the boy standing right in front of him, there was no way of escaping this situation. But even if there had been one, he still couldn't run away from it completely. His secret was out, the recording being the very proof of its existence. One wrong move and it would be spread across the world through the power of social media.
The eerie and spine-chilling atmosphere brought him back to the question of what he had ever done to deserve this. It had reappeared in his head multiple times, making him search for the answer in distress. But little did he know that it had actually been there the whole time. He had just been refusing to acknowledge it until now.
He had been denying the fact that he himself was the reason this happened. He was the one at fault for giving away his trust so easily.
It was at this moment that he finally realized how naïve he really was. People considered someone their best friend because they had common interests, because they had gone through ups and downs together, or because that person had proved that the other could trust them with their secrets. But Matt, he immediately considered someone his best friend right after the first time they talked to each other.
He didn't know exactly when he and that boy Lucas became so close to one another, but he was certain it all began when he hesitantly asked Matt to lend him a pen. It was surely the start of their friendship, because from then on, they began eating lunch together and chatting with each other during breaks, and they were rarely seen without the other's presence. After all, it was the very first year of high school for both of them, so making friends was very important to them.
Lucas was Matt's first ever friend in high school. He was nice, friendly and a good person, so Matt especially cherished him. That was why he held no suspicion when one day, his best friend asked him a question that was quite unexpected:
"Hey, Matt, what's your biggest secret?"
Matt was a little taken aback and raised an eyebrow at him. They were walking home from school, and while it was true that they were talking about silly stuff, it was still a very random question. "Why are you suddenly asking me that?"
"Oh, uh, I-I'm just c-curious, th-that's all," Lucas said nervously as he scratched the back of his head. Once again, Matt just chuckled without any doubt in his mind. Lucas stuttered like that all the time, so this was nothing strange.
Matt let out a small "hmm" before nodding, agreeing to reveal his greatest secret to Lucas. He had never disclosed it and didn't plan on disclosing it any time soon. But this was Lucas, his best friend and someone he had known for many months, so he believed his secret would be safe with him. Besides, Lucas had told him many embarrassing things he did in elementary and middle school, and he claimed he never dared tell anyone about them except Matt. He must know how it felt to have your secrets exposed, so he wouldn't just go and sell Matt out, would he?
"Alright, but promise me you wouldn't tell anyone about it, okay? And promise me you wouldn't hate me for it."
"I promise," Lucas replied, still looking a little nervous for some reason. "You're my best friend. I could never hate you."
"Okay..." Matt took in a deep breath, calming himself down before continuing. "I'm, I'm actually g-gay...."
"Dude, what?" A loud gasp was heard from Lucas. "Really?"
"Yeah, and, and..." Matt stumbled over his words as he glued his eyes to the ground, a red blush clearly seen on his cheeks. "And I have a crush on a guy from our school..."
"Oh my god." Lucas gasped again, but this time in an excited way. "From our school?"
"I-I actually know him from middle school and he-he's my first crush. I was happy to find out he goes to the same school as us."
Lucas was squealing all the time, asking him countless things about the special someone in Matt's heart, but it didn't distract Matt from the way Lucas was holding his phoneâhis hand was shaking so much that he could drop it at any second. It could make anyone suspicious, yet Matt ignored it once more. His trust for Lucas was so great that it blinded him, hence he paid it no mind until just a few minutes ago, when he was told that Lucas had been paid a large sum of money to make Matt confess about his most unspeakable secret and record it to use as evidence.
"My, my, who would've thought our Matthew here has such a secret?" The boy in front of Matt laughed, snapping him out of his thoughts and bringing him back to the situation at hand. "He's such a modest student too, always refusing to do my homework because it's 'for my own good'."
"Wh-What do you want?" Matt's voice was shaking as his eyes followed the way the other's hand put away his phone. Dylan, who gave him a sneer, was known to make others do things for him and taking credit for their hard work. As one of his target, Matt was cautious and always stood up for himself, not appearing weak and never surrendering, no matter how many times Dylan tried to threaten him. But little did Matt know that he had such dirty tricks up his sleeve. Bribing someone with one hundred dollars to record him talking about his secret, it was something Matt didn't think this guy was capable of, and neither did he expect the person who did the deed was his best friend.
"You're smart, Matthew." Dylan leaned closer to him as a sinister smirk appeared on his face. "You can figure out what I want you to do, and I believe you know what would happen if you try to disobey."
That encounter marked the start of Matt's suffering. Every day, the amount of homework he had to do doubled, and since he had no one to help him, he would come to class every day with a strained body. Dylan's part in his group project was all thrown to him, yet the one who was praised for all his hard work wasn't him. Before he knew it, he had lost count of how many days he had endured this, just like how he had forgotten the last time he had a genuinely happy smile on his lips. He felt unsafe both at school and at home. He was terrified whenever it was time to check his text messages. He rarely hung out with his peers. He was on his own the whole time. He avoided talking to others. He did everything by himself without asking anyone to lend him a hand. It was as if he had completely forgotten how to have fun and interact with others.
The only one who was able to make him feel true human emotion again was Lucas himself, and that emotion was none other than rage.
"Get lost."
That was what he had told Lucas as he mercilessly yanked Lucas's hand off his sleeve, walking away without a single glance back. He could hear the other boy's words from afar, hear him pleading for forgiveness and begging him to listen to his explanation, but Matt couldn't care less.
Disgusting, that very word filled Matt's head as he tried to block Lucas's plea out of his ears. You can still beg me to forgive you after all this.
Liar.
Filthy liar.
Shameless traitor.
The last bell rang, pulling him out of the overwhelmingly angry thoughts. He used to like the sound of the last bell because it meant he got to go home and relax. But now, he hated it. He despised it, and even though he had no idea exactly when he found it unpleasant, he definitely knew why. The last bell no longer meant the end of the school day to him. It now carried a different meaningâthe time for him to receive new orders from his "master".
Matt found it very reasonable to call Dylan his master, as that guy now had him under his thumb. Every one of Matt's movement, he controlled it easily like a puppet, with Matt being the said object. And to tell the truth, Matt sometimes thought he had become a literal puppet, because he was sure he had lost control of his own life and sanity. Even at this moment, it didn't feel like his body was moving on its own. It rather felt like his arms and legs were tied to invisible strings and being dragged forward against his will.
Every afternoon, he had to meet Dylan behind the school building to "report" to him. It had become his routine and he never bothered complaining or resisting. But today was an exception. He didn't want to go there this afternoon because he knew this meeting wasn't going to go smoothly. However, he had no other choice. Those invisible strings, they were the constant reminder that if he didn't go, things would end up way worse than him getting beaten up.
"What the fuck?" Dylan shouted as he threw his notebook harshly at Matt, hitting one of his eyes. "Why didn't you do my homework?"
"I'm, I'm sorry..." Matt had nearly stumbled over when he crouched down to pick up the notebook, fearing that his punishment would increase if he didn't do so. "I, I had a test today. W-We only had three days to prepare for it, so- so I forgot... P-Please give me a chance to, to make it up to you."
Dylan eyed him for a few seconds, seemingly thinking about something before letting out a snort. "I was going to say no, but you just look so pathetic that I feel sorry for you. Fine, bring me two hundred dollars tomorrow and I'll let this slide."
Matt lifted his head up in one swift move like he had just heard lightning striking right next to his ear. "Th-That's, that's too much!"
"Would you rather pay up or let that recording get leaked?" Dylan smirked as he was sure which option Matt would choose.
"C-Can you at least give me a few days? I, I don't think I'll be able to get that much money right away."
Dylan gave him a look of disbelief before rolling his eyes and sighing exasperatedly. "Ugh, fine, choosing beggar. You'd better have the money by Friday, or else I won't be as generous as today."
Friday? That's only two days from now, that worrisome thought haunted Matt. His family wasn't made of money and he was only working as a fast food waiter. How could he possibly get two hundred dollars in two measly days? Stealing was the only option, and it happened to be the option he, in no way, wanted to even think about. What should he do now, wait for Dylan to post that recording online and let him announce to the world his biggest secret? He couldn't even bring himself to imagine what would happen to him if that scenario ever came true.
Whispers reached him suddenly, and when he glanced up, thousands of eyes were glaring at him. Those eyes were filled with disgust and ridicule, laughter and gossips spreading across the hallways of the school. They sounded like static, broken and unpleasant static that couldn't be ignored, regardless of how much he tried. He did his best to walk away as fast as possible with frantic steps, but the more he walked, the longer the hallway seemed to get. And the more he walked, the louder the laughter and whispers became.
It clearly seemed that the whole school knew about his secret already, but it was impossible. It wasn't even Friday yet, and Dylan had said he wouldn't do anything until then. But, to think more about it, if that guy was capable of taking advantage of people without remorse, then was it really safe to believe any word that came out of his mouth? Oh no, why didn't he think of it sooner? Maybe Dylan had actually posted the recording online as soon as Matt was out of sight. Stupid, stupid Matt. He should have done Dylan's homework before he worried about his exam. Yeah, maybe his grade would be lower than usual, but at least his secret would still be kept hidden.
He couldn't think properly. His head hurt. Those whispers were seriously messing with his mind. He shook his head violently as an attempt to clear his thoughts, and that was when he was brought back to the real world. Instead of the never-ending hallways, he was walking on the pavements. And instead of the cruel laughter and gossips, there was just the chatter of the people around him, as well as the sound of the cars running down the busy streets. Realizing that he was actually just on his way home, he stood there silently, letting people walk past him one by one.
He felt like he could go insane at any second, and he thought that if he failed to breathe in enough air, he would pass out.
It was lucky that no one would be home the same time as him today, because he would have some space to actually figure out how to deal with this mess in peaceâ
"Oh, you're home."
The moment Matt opened the main door, the voice coming from inside the house absolutely scared the ghost out of him.
"B-Bryan?" Matt's face turned pale upon realizing to whom that voice belonged. Turning his head to the left, he confirmed that it was really his brother, who was sitting on the couch with his eyes on the TV. "Y-You're home early."
"Yeah, the guys are all busy, so we couldn't play today."
It was obvious that Lady Luck didn't smile on him that afternoon. His brother always played basketball after school with his friends every Wednesday, so why did it have to be on this Wednesday that he came home early?
"O-Okay..."
Matt reluctantly answered as he hurriedly headed to his room, until he was stopped in his track by his brother's firm tone.
"What's going on, Matt?"
By the time Matt had the courage to turn his head back, Bryan had already had his eyes on him. The fact that the TV had been turned off had Matt fearing for his own life, because if Bryan was watching TV, then he would never turn it off until he decided to stop watching.
"Wh-What do you mean, Bryan?"
"I know something's up, so don't try to hide it anymore," Bryan said as he walked up to his trembling brother. "That's why I lied about my friends being busy. I was actually the one who decided to come home early and talk to you about this."
Matt was sweating bullets and he knew it. "I d-don't know what y-you're talking aboutâ"
"You definitely know what I'm talking about, Matt, so stop trying to deny it." Bryan's voice was strong and his gaze was serious. "I don't think you fell down the stairs like you said. Mom and Dad are suspicious too. Tell me, someone's been hitting you, haven't they?"
Matt's eyes widened as his heart skipped a beat. "H-How did youâ"
"Those bruises have been on you for so long that I know they aren't there because you fall down the stairs or trip. And I notice they keep appearing too!" Bryan held Matt's arm and lifted his sleeve up in one swift movement. "Look, these bruises weren't here a few days ago. You're not so clumsy that you constantly fall, are you?"
Matt's mouth kept opening and closing, unable to get any word out. He was so stunned that he was speechless. He could never imagine such a carefree person like his brother could be that perceptive. However, that wasn't important right now. Bryan's eyes were looking at him so sternly that it was hard to keep up with his lies. And truthfully, he was glad to be confronted, because if he hadn't been, he would have continued to live a lie, the lie that he was a perfectly fine high school student who wasn't being bullied and robbed out of his own freedom. Those invisible strings, it was time to cut them for good.
__________
"Bryan spent the whole afternoon comforting me." Matt had a sad look in his eyes as he recalled that day. "My parents came home that evening and Bryan told them the whole story. My dad was angry and my mom burst out crying, not because I was gay, but because I was hurt."
He gave Ray a brief glance and continued when he heard nothing from him, his eyes glued to the floor once more. "The next day, my mom went to my school herself and reported the incident. The principal was appalled and decided to catch Dylan in the act that Friday. The principle demanded that Dylan and Lucas delete the recording, and both of their phones were confiscated. They were also suspended for a while, if I remember correctly."
Silence was found once more and Matt decided to break it before it became too unbearable. "After all that, I asked my parents to let me transfer to another school, and they agreed to. At first, I didn't plan to do so, but every day at school had become so uncomfortable that I couldn't take it anymore. Just the sight of that school scared me. I... I wanted a fresh start. I wanted to reset everything, but that incident had been engraved into my mind, so I went through high school without trusting anyone ever again."
Ending his story with that, Matt let out a tired sigh. The atmosphere in the room was a lot heavier now, but he could handle it. What he was anxiously waiting for was Ray's response. The man in question was awfully quiet, which made Matt wonder what was going on in his head or how he would react. Even he couldn't understand why he was getting scared all of a sudden. Ray surely wouldn't shun him away or anything. He had no reason to, or did he?
Just when Matt was beginning to get lost in his thoughts, Ray wrapped his arms around him, pulling him away from them.
"R-Ray...?"
Startled, Matt asked in a small and soft voice, but once again, he received no reply from the other man. Seconds went by without anyone saying anything until Matt felt something on his shoulder...
Tears.
Ray was... crying.
"I'm, I'm sorry, I..." Ray struggled to talk between sobs. "I-I'm supposed t-to be the one t-to comfort you, b-but, but..."
Seemingly unable to speak any longer, Ray ended his sentence at that, letting his sobs fill the room. Matt couldn't blame him, as he didn't know what to say either. However, there was no need for words at this moment, so he just let out yet another sigh and returned the hug, melting into his partner's warmth. Ray said he should be comforting Matt, but honestly, just this was enough to warm him up and make him forget about the past. All that mattered right now was the present he was in, and he was happy to stay like this with Ray for a little longer.
Rain had been pouring without them realizing it, and it really brought Matt back to the day he came out to his suitemates. That afternoon, Ethan came across an interesting video while lazily surfing on his phoneâan interview with the LGBT+ community. They discussed a lot of matters in it, and Ethan looked so focused that it made Matt curious. But curiosity kills the cat, as they always say. He decided to watch the video along with Ethan and was so into it that he blurted out:
"As a gay guy, I can definitely relate to them."
That sentence right there, he thought his life was done for because of it.
He could have played it off as a joke and went about his day, but he was unable to think straight. His heart was beating fast and he was sure his face had turned as pale as a ghost, his mouth stuttering and spewing out nonsense. It was even worse that Ethan wasn't the only one there with him. Chloe and Eve were also sitting on the couch, and all three of them were looking at him with wide eyes. Before he knew it, the hallways of his first high school had come into view, as well as thousands of students who were mocking him. Standing before him was Dylan himself with his phone in his hand, the dreaded recording playing loudly for the whole world to hear.
He fled.
Without waiting for their response, he wordlessly got up, rushed to the front door and slammed it shut behind him. He ran, ran and ran. He was unaware of where he was heading and he didn't care. His only objective was to get away as far as possible. "No," that very word echoed in his head endlessly. He refused to believe that he had messed everything up.
"Trust no one", that line was Matt's reminder to be cautious of people everywhere he went. He told himself not to be deceived by others' friendly look, and he had done so when meeting his new suitemates. No matter how nice they were, he just couldn't bring himself to fully believe that they wouldn't betray him one day. He avoided sharing anything personal to them at all cost, but all that effort had been wasted just because of one moment of carelessness. He cursed himself and wondered how he could be so foolish.
He had no idea how long he had been running, but it was certainly long enough for black clouds to appear, and raindrops wasted no time to fall down. Shelter wasn't really a problem, as there were many shops that he could stand under to hide from the rain. The main issue here was that he didn't know where to go or what to do. He felt lost. His suitemates must hate him now and didn't want to even look at him ever again, so he couldn't just go back to his dorm and face them. He didn't have any relative who lived nearby and he didn't have any friend here, since he just moved to this unfamiliar city a few weeks ago. As he watched the rain fall, he let his mind wander, questioning how he ended up like this and if it was his fault from the very beginning.
"Matt!"
A panic-striken shout sounded in the distance, jolting Matt out of his thoughts. He didn't know where it came from, but when he looked up, he saw Ethan standing there with his entire body drenched. Drops of rain were dripping from the tips of his hair as he breathed heavily, clearly exhausted.
"E-Ethan?" Matt asked in a very surprised tone. "What are youâ"
"I've been looking for you!" Ethan cut him off, his eyes full of worries. "Thank goodness you didn't go far."
Matt found himself at a loss for words when he realized Ethan must have run all over the city to search for him. "Y-You shouldn't haveâ"
"There he is!" Another shout was heard and the girls were soon seen running towards them. Unlike Ethan, they had a coat to shield them away from the rain, but they were still soaked nontheless. As they all stood in front of him, Matt stared at them in bewilderment, incapable of processing what was happening. Still unable to believe the fact that they weren't shunning him away, he tried to find any sign of hatred or loathing in their eyes or gestures, but he found none. All that was visible was worries and care in the way they were looking at him.
"Matt, I know you're probably frightened right now, but don't be afraid." Eve put both her hands on his shoulders. "We don't hate you for who you are and neither will we judge you. So, please, don't be scared anymore and go back with us."
Oh how he had wished to hear those words from people other than his parents and brother. Never did he realize how much he needed it until now. Ever since that incident, he had always tried to convince himself that no one other than his family would accept him, but this moment had proved him wrong. Tears made their way down his face as he apologized non-stop, telling that he was sorry for making them run all the way here and for not trusting them. Once again, they didn't blame him one bit. They just stayed there and soothed him until the rain stopped.
The hug they had all given him, it was as warm and comforting as the one he was sharing with Ray at this moment.