posting this solely bc someone said "i smell angst around the corner" babe ur so right, have this
THIRTEEN
Lost in Space
Mars was fuming when Elias saw her after work one day.
She stomped up to him and shoved her face against his stomach. Elias furrowed his brows, cupping the back of her head. "Everything okay?"
"No," Mars grumbled.
He tried to grab her shoulders and push her back so he could see her, but she was adamant on staying in place. He sighed quietly. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
"I hate guys."
"That's understandable. What happened?"
Mars abruptly pulled away and groaned loudly, dragging herself to the front door of their house. Elias followed, unlocking the door so she could get in. He watched her toss herself onto the couch like she was a sack of rocks.
"Mars, talk to me," Elias coaxed, sitting down on the edge of the coffee table. "Come on. What happened?"
"Lily's stupid boyfriend happened."
"Did he say something to you?"
"Yes!" Mars flipped over, glaring at the ceiling. "He's such an a â " She cut herself off, gritting her teeth. He could tell she was trying her hardest not to cuss.
"You can say it."
"He's such an asshole!" Mars shrieked, slapping her hands over her face. "Lily sat next to me at lunch and he got mad. He acts like she's like, his property or something! No, she has her own wants, you absolutely garbage human being. Trash."
Elias took a deep breath, taking it all in. Her face was flushed from anger, and he swore he could hear her heart beating from where he sat. "Do you know what he called me?" Mars sat up, staring at her father, eyes blazing. "And what he called her? I didn't even know what it meant, I had to look it up!"
Elias frowned. "Spell it for me."
"D-yâ "
"Okay, stop there," Elias interrupted, running a hand through his hair. Now he was getting mad. "Don't ever say that word, okay? None of those kids should be using it. It's a word used to demean and dehumanize people like Lily's moms."
"I know," Mars said, gripping her knees. "I read about it. He made her cry! Lily was crying. And he didn't even seem sorry. He was completely convinced me and her were â " She made a random gesture with her hands. "Dating? Which is so stupid. Actually â no, it's not. What's stupid is the fact that they are together. I would be better than him."
She was breathing heavily at that point. "If you have more to rant about, go ahead," Elias told her. "I'm listening."
"I really, really hope she breaks up with him," Mars said, sounding desperate. "He was so annoying when he was with us at her house last weekend. I'm pretty sure her moms hate him. I can sense it. They should hate him."
Mars looked on the verge of tears. Elias' heart broke. He had seen her at far too many low points in the last few months. It pained him to witness. "What's even wrong with it?" Mars whispered, voice cracking. "I don't get it. Why do they all use it as an insult? They call each other gay like it's something bad."
"There's nothing wrong with it," Elias said, swiping his thumb across her cheek when a tear fell. "You're allowed to love whoever you want. You know that." He had raised her to be accepting. He was relieved to see she wasn't letting her peers influence her thoughts.
"I know. I told them you were gay, and that you're cool, so it's not an insult. And they all laughed at me."
Elias blinked. "You told them what?"
Mars frowned. "That you're gay."
He opened his mouth, then stopped, shocked into silence. What was he supposed to say to that? He didn't care, really â these were kids she was talking to. But where had she even gotten the idea that he was gay?
"What... What makes you think I'm gay?" Elias asked, letting out a short chuckle of disbelief. "Mars?"
"Aren't you?" Mars looked confused now. "I thought that's why I don't have a mom."
She definitely hadn't thought that through. "You think I birthed you?"
"Oh..." Mars trailed off. "I guess not. That wouldn't make sense. Wait, now I'm confused. So, you're not... my dad?"
Oh, fuck. "I am â "
"Then, I do have a mom?"
"I â yes... you do." You did, Elias silently corrected.
"Where is she?"
Elias rubbed the bridge of his nose. "It's... It's really complicated, Mars."
Her brows twisted, and she looked like a mix between confused and upset. That wasn't a good combination, and it wasn't one he was expecting to see directed at him anytime soon.
"It can't be complicated," Mars snapped. "Isn't it a yes or no question? Why didn't you tell me?"
"It's not something that's easy to explain. It's â "
"Why can't you just tell me? How is it not easy?" Mars interjected, scoffing. "Why are you lying? This is so stupid. You're so freaking â "
"Margot!"
Mars flinched, going quiet immediately once Elias raised his voice. He saw her eyes start to water, and his chest ached painfully. He had never in his life yelled at her, never raised his voice, so it was no wonder she was reacting like that.
"Mars, I didn't â "
"Don't talk to me," she spat, voice wobbling as she ran up the stairs and to her room, slamming the door.
"Fuck," Elias whispered, hunching over to bury his face in his hands. That wasn't what he had expected to face that day. He hadn't anticipated having that conversation for a while, considering Mars hadn't mentioned it once. He never would've thought of that to be the outcome.
He bit down on his knuckles, looking up at the door to her room. He wished he could talk it out and clear everything up right then and there, but Mars was thirteen, not thirty. And she wouldn't be giving him the time of day anytime soon.
He just had to give her space. She would talk to him on her own terms. The car rides to school would be awkward, but â
But the next morning, he realized an awkward car ride wouldn't be a problem.
"I'm taking the bus," she muttered, having already gotten up early to do everything, just so she could avoid having Elias wake her up as he always did. He didn't even have a chance to say goodbye before she was leaving the house without a word.
Elias had to put his mug down because of how badly his hands were shaking.
What have I done? Elias thought, feeling his breathing start to quicken. His biggest fear had always been losing Mars, but never once had he considered this type of loss. He always imagined her being taken away â not pushing her away himself.
There was a reason he had never yelled at her. His father used it as a fear tactic. There was a reason he tried to be as open as possible with her. He had never been able to do that with his own parents â and the one time he did, he was hated for it.
There were so many things Elias promised himself he would never do. And he'd just broken two of them.
Elias couldn't move, but he couldn't stay standing either. He slid to the floor and leaned his body back against the cabinets, closing his eyes. He didn't know how long he sat there trying to calm himself down, but apparently it was long enough to warrant a call from Gale.
"Where the hell are you?" Gale exclaimed, and Elias flinched when he heard just how busy it sounded. "We need you, Eli!"
"I'm sorry," Elias replied, trying to keep his voice even, but it wobbled, and he knew how breathless he sounded.
"Eli?" Gale sounded less frantic and upset; she sounded worried now. "Hey, what's wrong? Is everything alright, sweetheart?"
"Yeah, yeah, it's â it's fine. I-I just woke up late, and â "
"Don't lie to me."
That made his throat close up.
"Why are you lying? Why can't you just tell me?"
He pressed the heel of his hand against his forehead, inhaling shakily. "I'm so sorry, Gale, I â "
"Stop it," she stated firmly. "I won't force you to come when you sound like that. You need to take care of yourself first. Do you need anything?"
"No..."
"Well, text me if you end up needing something. I'll do anything I can to help, okay?"
"O-Okay. Thank you."
She told him to get rest and do things to relax, then hung up, and Elias was left alone to his thoughts once again. He felt like he was suffocating.
Yet the house had never felt so empty.
"Stop it," he hissed to himself, fisting the collar of his shirt. "You're too old for this."
He dug his nails into his cheek, grabbing his phone. He hovered over Roman's contact, thumb trembling with the rest of him. I want him here, his brain said, and Elias squeezed his eyes shut.
Idiot. He doesn't want to be burdened like that. You're not that close. Elias groaned and got up, forcing himself into the bathroom where he turned on the bathtub faucet, dropping himself onto the edge.
He focused on the sound of the water pummeling the bottom of the tub, sounding like harsh waves. The last time he had been to the beach was when he was in his twenties â that was around ten years ago.
He kept his eyes shut, kept his attention on the heat filling the room and the rushing water. But he was torn out of his focus when he heard his phone ring twice, signaling two text messages.
Roman -
Gale told me you weren't feeling well. Are you okay? I can help you again like last time
Marco -
you good?
Elias scoffed lightly into his palm. Why did they have to be good people?
To Roman, he sent: I'll be okay, thank you.
And to Marco: Yeah, thanks.
Roman didn't leave it alone.
Roman -
Are you sure?? I can bring you food, get groceries or medicine for you, I don't mind. I want to help if you'll let me
Elias -
I'm not exactly fun to be around when I feel like crap
Roman -
That's okay. Just means I get to learn more about you (:
Elias -
Jeez
Roman -
??
Elias -
Nothing. You can come if you really want to, but I promise you I'm fine
Roman -
Do you want me there?
Elias -
I don't know
Yes. I do want you here. But Elias didn't want to burden him. He didn't want to feel like he was depending on him, even though deep down he knew he wasn't.
I want you here, Elias thought. But I don't need you here.
I'm not allowed to want.
Roman -
Okay. That wasn't a yes, so just know I'm here if that turns into one (:
Elias didn't reply. He couldn't bring himself to.
He just settled himself into the scalding water after getting rid of his clothes, tilting his head back against the tiled wall. He kind of hoped Roman would take that as a yes, but he knew he wasn't that kind of person. He hoped Roman would've taken that as a confirmation, that way Elias wouldn't have felt guilty telling him to come by.
Wasn't it pathetic though? Feeling like this when he wasn't the victim. Mars was the one hurting â Elias hurt her. Why was he wallowing in self-pity? It was his fault, no one else's.
Now I sound like my mom, Elias thought bitterly, laying his hands over his face. Always the one with the victim complex. He couldn't escape them, could he? It was only a matter of time before he turned out like them.
But I don't want to be like them.
He thought he finished having those thoughts a long time ago. He wanted to stop worrying, but remembering Mars' face just made everything ten times worse and come back full swing. He didn't know what to do.
What were you supposed to do?