hghshehehg i couldn't resist this chapter is so â i love it sm it's my second fav next to chapter 27 wink wink
edit: i am reposting this solely bc i forgot to share the pics i have for roman and elias. i FINALLY learned how to use art breeder and i downloaded the images but it fucked with them a little so if it looks funky my bad
the amount of stress i had doing this
TWENTY ONE
The Moon Controls The Tides (2/2)
"They said there'll be a twenty minute wait," Elias told Roman, sitting down on the bench next to him that was freshly unoccupied. "You okay with that?"
Roman nodded, hands clasped in his lap and shoulders stiff. He was trying his hardest to keep from even grazing Elias â he wasn't sure if it was conscious or not. Did he really think Elias would be uncomfortable? He told him nothing would change.
Elias leaned back against the window behind them and lightly pushed their shoulders together. "Relax," he whispered, trying to catch Roman's gaze, but he was looking anywhere else but him. "We'll be sleeping in the same bed, you know. I really don't care if you accidentally touch me or not."
"Sorry," Roman mumbled.
"Don't be," Elias coaxed, wanting to reach for his hand, but holding back. "You let yourself be vulnerable. You're bound to be awkward for a little while. I'm just trying to ease you out of it, is all."
"Mm."
Elias sighed through his nose. He had to keep himself from being as touchy as he usually was â he hadn't even realized just how bad it was. Had Roman been suffering the entire time? God, he hoped not. Then he'd feel really bad. He wasn't sure how to make him feel more comfortable and less stressed.
He crossed one leg over the other and shifted his phone from one palm to another. Maybe he should stop talking for now and let Roman initiate conversation when he wanted to. Elias just hoped the awkwardness would pass on his end soon â it was starting to rub off on him as well.
Elias was usually able to push through awkward situations pretty fast. He managed to shrug off the feeling and go back to normal in a few minutes to a few hours. He never let it last longer than a day. But he guessed Roman was different.
Or maybe it was the situation that was different. Elias was usually being confessed to, not the one confessing. The few times he'd done it weren't anything special. He'd got rejected once, then the other times the people felt the same.
It just never lasted long. He'd never been in a relationship that left a lasting impression on him.
Hell, he wasn't sure he'd ever really been 'in love.' He knew what love felt like, of course, but not the romantic kind. He wondered if Roman knew â if his feelings for Elias had gotten that far.
Elias glanced at him. He was relaxing a bit more, able to fully lean back against the wall behind them. His hands were still clasped in his lap, his rings being twisted around, his gaze switching its focus from the floor to the activity a little bit away from them.
Roman caught his stare, but he quickly looked away. Elias smiled to himself. He decided not to say anything about it to save him from further embarrassment.
"Have you been here before?"
Roman startled. "Uh, yeah. Once. When I'd just turned twenty one, I think."
"What, you were excited to be able to drink?" Elias teased. "I heard they have good drinks here."
"I was excited to drink legally, yeah," Roman replied, snorting quietly. Elias raised an eyebrow. "Come on. A lot of teenagers drank when they weren't supposed to."
Elias shrugged. "That's true."
"Were you one of them?"
Elias scoffed. "No, my parents would've killed me if they found out. I swear, they had a scarily strong sense of smell. My sister had smoked weed with her friends a few days before, and our parents found out by doing her laundry."
"Oh, wow."
"It didn't really matter to me though," Elias continued, chuckling. "Not being able to drink or smoke. I was never interested in it. Kinda scared me, if I'm being honest."
"Does it, um, scare you now?"
"Nah," Elias responded. "Well, smoking does. Alcohol doesn't. I tried weed once when I was still in college and it made me so anxious. It was terrible. It's funny because people told me it would get rid of the anxiety."
"Mm, everyone's different."
"Definitely."
"Elias?"
He perked up. "Our table's ready," he said to Roman, standing up. They followed their waiter and sat down. It was a booth, thank God. Elias hated having to sit in chairs at restaurants. He had to be near a wall, always. A comfort thing, probably.
"Can I get you two started off with something to drink?"
They gave their orders and when the man walked away, Elias looked to Roman. He was already reading the menu, the entire thing covering his face. He sighed quietly. "Roman," he said. "I can't tell if you're hiding from me or have really shit eyesight."
"Uh, both."
"Wow, very honest with me now," Elias mused, resting his chin on the heel of his hand. "I'll let you do your thing. But you can't hide forever. After a certain point I'm just going to pester you."
"Are you not already doing that?"
Elias grinned. "I didn't expect you to be so mean when we got to know each other. Wow. So cruel."
"Yeah, well," Roman grumbled, "I didn't expect you to be â to be so evil."
"Evil?"
"Yeah," he mumbled. "You keep teasing me."
"That's because I'm comfortable with you, Roman." Elias folded his arms on the table and leaned forward, trying to peek over the top of the menu. "And I want you to be comfortable with me. So, stop hiding."
"No."
"Why not?"
"You know why."
"Hm."
Roman groaned. "Every time I look at you I get â I get flustered, alright? I don't know how else to say it. I can't even look at you without feeling like I'm â I'm gonna explode or something. Out of just... pure humiliation."
Elias exhaled softly. "Okay. I can't say I understand, but â I do know what it's like to not be able to look at someone. Do you need me to do anything to help?"
Roman shook his head, letting the menu fall but keeping his eyes on the table. "You can't do anything. I mean, unless you felt the same, somehow. But you don't. It's fine. I just â need to let my brain tire itself out."
Elias frowned. "Assuming things will just make you feel worse."
"What?"
"I never said I didn't feel the same," Elias stated firmly. "Would you like to know my thoughts?"
Roman was quiet for a few moments. Then, "Yeah. I really wanna know what you're thinking. And â And please be honest."
"I'm not a liar," Elias said. "I never have been."
"O-Okay."
"I like you more than I've liked anyone else," Elias explained quietly. "I'm still trying to figure out whether it's in a platonic way or not. But considering the fact I imagined kissing you and liked it, I'm leaning more toward the non-platonic option."
Roman blanched. He finally looked at him after that, eyes wide. "What?"
Elias smiled softly. "There's just... a problem. I don't think I could pursue a relationship."
Roman tried to hide the flinch, but Elias caught it regardless. "O-Oh. Can, um â is it okay if I ask why?"
Elias leaned back, crossing his arms loosely against his chest. "I never have a lot of free time," he explained. "I'm always working. When I get home, I'm exhausted. Save for the weekends, and not many people are satisfied only seeing their partners two days out of the entire week."
"I don't mind," Roman said without an ounce of hesitation. "I see you every morning."
"Not many people want a kid that isn't theirs either," Elias continued, feeling his chest ache. "Before you say you like Mars â a lot of people claim they don't mind a kid in the picture, then change their mind later on and leave. I really, really don't want to risk that."
"But â "
"I hate the idea of getting your hopes up. I don't want to risk ruining your feelings or making you bored. And I definitely don't want Mars to get attached and later have to deal with â "
"You're talking like you know I would be that way," Roman interjected, a frown settling in. "You don't know shit, Elias. You're acting like â "
They were interrupted by their waiter returning with their drinks. It was tense, and Elias hoped the poor guy didn't notice. He brought out his notepad and asked if they were ready to order.
"Uh, no, not yet," Elias said, smiling politely. They'd been too busy talking to even look.
"Okay. I'll be back in a bit."
When he left, Elias returned his attention to Roman. His eyes were ablaze with determination. It was a new expression to add to the books Elias had tucked away inside his brain.
"What can I do to prove I'm not an asshole like that?" Roman whispered. "I'm serious."
Elias shrugged. His teasing mood was gone. It was far more serious now. "Prove it however you'd like."
"I will."
"Okay," Elias said with a small smile. "I'd like to see that."
___
"Usually I'd nap after eating that much," Elias mentioned as he and Roman descended the cement steps leading down to the beach. The street lights let them see where they were going well enough.
Roman did that nose-laugh thing. The one Elias always found wholesome. "I always make sure to walk after I eat a lot."
Elias scoffed. "You're weird."
"I'm not," Roman said in defense. "Hey â take your shoes off. Don't want sand getting in them."
"Oh, true." Elias slid his shoes off and let them hang off his fingers as they walked. They started a path near where the water rose, the waves rolling over their bare feet. "But yeah, I usually nap. I just had to see the beach at night."
"Mm."
Elias copied the sound he made, causing Roman to look over at him and roll his eyes. Elias really liked that he was becoming comfortable enough around him to do things like that. A few months ago he would've been too scared to.
"I think I'm liking coming out here more than I thought I would," Elias commented, pushing his free hand through his hair. There was a breeze whipping it this way and that. "I worry still, but that's a given."
"I'm glad you are," Roman replied. "You deserve a break."
Elias smiled a little. "Thank you. I probably wouldn't have come if you weren't going."
"Well, uh, I'm here."
Elias laughed. "Yes, you are."
They walked side by side in silence for a little while. It was a nice one â it wasn't awkward or tense, which was a relief. Perhaps because they were both naturally quiet people.
Elias went to break it after a certain point, but instead of a word leaving his lips, it was an embarrassing yelp instead. Something crawled over his feet, and he jumped back, then to the side, grabbing onto Roman's arm instinctively. He looked at the sand, watching as a white crab started burying itself into a hole.
"What? Are you okay?" Roman asked worriedly, stopping to place a careful hand on his shoulder. "What happened?"
Elias kept staring at the sand, because if another one came out when he wasn't looking â "Shoot, there's another!" Elias shouted, stumbling back and tugging on Roman's sleeve to try and get him to move as well.
"Wait," Roman gasped. "Wait â I can't run in the sand, Elias! You're gonna make me â "
Elias slipped, and by default, so did Roman, sending them both to the gritty, yet soft ground. "You're gonna make me fall," Roman finished weakly, wincing. They'd landed next to each other, thank God, because Elias was pretty sure one of them would've died if they landed on each other.
"I'm sorry," Elias said breathlessly. "There were crabs."
Roman sputtered out a laugh, covering his face with a palm. "Yeah, obviously there were crabs. It's the beach. The ocean."
"Wow, you're so mean. I could've died, and you're mocking my fears."
"Dramatic," Roman said, but it was fond.
There was a sudden urge within Elias to kiss him. Which was very different from the ones telling him to hug or take his hand. Very different. He supposed that confirmed where his feelings stood. He'd never even considered what he felt was romantic until today. He hated it and liked it at the same time.
It didn't help that he was pulling Roman further and further out of his shell as time went by. And he was liking every new thing he saw and learned, like his sarcasm or his occasional sass. Seeing more sides to him was giving Elias more reasons to want... more.
He was beginning to realize he hadn't felt like this in a long, long time.
In the chance that Roman did prove to be someone Elias was looking for, he wasn't sure what to do, in all honesty. How would he know? When would be the right time? Would Elias even be able to handle those types of feelings?
He wasn't sure. He was scared. He wished he knew the answer to every single question â but that was impossible. You couldn't know everything. You couldn't predict everything. And you couldn't ever be completely fearless.
That was the scary part. The unknown. He'd been faced with it one too many times in his life, but â he always came out fine. Great, even.
Could this end up great, too?
"Elias?"
Fingers gently combed his hair out of his face, a feather-like brush against his forehead. It was soft. He hadn't been treated so gently before in his life.
"Hm?"
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I just â " He sighed, lowering his head to press against Roman's chest. He felt him stiffen momentarily. "Getting a little tired, I guess."
"We can go back," Roman offered, starting to sit up, but Elias lightly pushed at his shoulder to get him to lie back down. He did so easily, but not without confusion. "What's wrong?"
"Can we just stay here for a little bit?"
Roman paused. "Yeah, but I thought you were afraid of the crabs."
Elias tilted his head up to smile at him. "You'll protect me, right?"
He couldn't see him that well under the moonlight, but Elias had a feeling Roman was blushing. That was one of his favorite expressions on him, if he had to choose one. Maybe it would change. He wasn't sure.
"Yeah. If that's okay with you."
There was another meaning behind that answer. But for now, Elias wanted to pretend it was just him making sure he didn't get impaled by pale pinchers.
"Who's showering first when we get back?" Roman whispered. Elias laughed, very aware of the gritty sand coating his clothes and skin. They were definitely going to find more in the worst places.
"You. I think you got the worst of it," Elias replied. "Sorry for making you fall."
"It's okay. I don't really mind."
"Such a gentleman."
"Is that what you like?"
Elias buried his face against his chest wordlessly. Roman just laughed quietly.
___