I couldn't concentrate in the library. What Mr. Grant said haunted me throughout the entire day, and it wasn't all what he said. But more how he had said it. With such... casualty.
I didn't even know if I was afraid or nervous about going to tutoring later that same day. Afraid of his mood swings and sudden shower of tension... Or nervous because I honestly did not know what to expect. I was both, and it was stressing me out.
"You've been standing there looking at those books for a while now." The librarian, Mrs. Kennedy, told me with a raised eyebrow.
"I'm just... I don't... Never mind. I'm sorry." I blabbed and grabbed my stuff hearing her teasing laugh as I exited the room. She loved me just as much as the other teachers, and I got along with her as well.
Eventually my discussion with him slipped my mind and I was left with the ablility to pay attention to my classes. I felt my old self coming back. I was able to think as I was before and not babble with sassy words.
I didn't think about Mr. Grant until I made eyecontact with him in the hallway when I went to my locker, which was right across from his room. My luck. He looked normal. Not normal for him, but just normal in general. He didn't look mad, he didn't look happy but no surprise there. Instead he just looked split between the emotion of bored and careless. The eye contact with him made me uncomfortable because I wasn't used to him... so not angry looking.
I grabbed my things quickly and rushed to my english class because I didn't want to linger around him any longer.
"You've been more quiet lately, is everything okay?" A classroom friend of mine asked. She was quiet too, so I just laughed at her.
"Yes, I'm fine." I assured her. She was the type of random person I'd go to with a dangerous secret, knowing she'd never let it slip. Not that I've ever told her a secret like that before. I had no secret to tell. Other than being sad and lonely. And missing my father more than anything, but I guessed my english teacher knew about that. Sort of, not too much about how much it affected me, but that was a good thing.
"Remember you can talk to me if you want." She promised.
I gave her a smile in appreciation and nodded. "I know, thanks."
But I didn't tell her how suddenly nervous I was to go to my calculus class. I didn't tell her how the man who taught the subject had been making me miserable throughout the entire year. I never said to her how stressful he'd been making it to learn just because he hated me. I never told her he hated me. Or why. Because I didn't know why.
I was on my way to the class and walked slow, pretending the do things on my phone. I ended up at his class right before the class began and the bell rang. He looked a bit annoyed, but he looked... Okay. His faced eased up the slightest from his usual expression and it took a turn in the entire class, the way the tension eased up as well.
"Let's get started." He began, and I watched the girls in the room fawn over him as they had been doing more often than they should. Not that they should at all, but I internally shrugged to myself and leaned over my desk lazily, propping myself on my elbow and allowing myself to admire him along with everyone else.
Who knows how many times he caught me, he was teaching and when I raised my hand he answered me. But it was a weird kind of answer because I didn't know what he said, so I didn't exactly know what I was asking and neither did he.
He looked from the board to me and began to say something and stopped himself. "Wait, what?" He asked in confusion, and I knew I wasn't the only one to find it... Adorable, because the class laughed quietly.
I held my own laugh back, but couldn't with a smile when I told him I didn't know what we were doing. Pretty soon I did, because he explained slower.
He handed out sheets of papers to the class towards the end and I'd sneak glances at him curiously and watch as his fingers twirled his pen in and out skillfully.
Ryan beside me tapped my desk while we were working. I looked up at him and he talked to me like I was normal again. It made me wonder what was going on. Everyone suddenly eased up on me and I didn't mind. "By the way, you look pretty today." He whispered when I answered his questions.
I gave him a smile. "Thank you."
I didn't know why I was suddenly normal to everyone again.
The bell rang and everyone crowded out of the class room. I stayed in my seat and said nothing, only tapping on my desk and humming a song that made me go in a daze.
The emptied room was quiet so I just doodled on my notebook lazily with crossed legs and closed lips while my humming continued.
Soon after time passed I was woken up from the song by his deep voice. "Diana." He said.
I cleared my throat and shut my notebook, turning around to look at him. He was tapping his pen and had his elbows up on his desk. He looked at me.
"Yes?"
"Come here." He said.
It was weird. How casual he was. I stood up from my chair and only brought my pencil when I dragged a chair beside him and sat down.
"Where's your paper?" He asked.
"I finished it."
"Well let me see."
I stood back up and brought it to him, only standing in front of the desk and not sitting back down. He read over it in my hands and nodded. "Well, sit down."
"Did I do it right?" I asked him.
"Yes, now sit down."
"If I understand, why do I still need tutoring?"
He just stared at me with narrowed eyes. "Stop being so difficult."
"I just want to know. It's a bit unfair, don't you think?"
"Do I repulse you that much?"
I said nothing and felt him getting angry. "What do you want? An apology?" He asked, running his hands over his face that showed annoyance.
"An explanation." I told him. "Tell me why it's me out of everyone you don't like the most."
"I'll give you an apology." Was all he said. "Sit down."
I wanted to argue back, but I just didn't have the energy and sat down anyway. "I'm sorry." Was all he said.
I narrowed my eyes, but realized he wouldn't say anything more because his pride was too strong. So I excepted it and nodded. "Accepted, so what are you teaching me now?" I said.
He actually looked surprised by my acception and obviously didn't expect me to let him off so easily with just an accepted apology that meant nothing. He soon regained his posture and scooted closer beside me, making me suddenly aware of how he smelled so much like a man. "Well, what do you want me to teach you?"
I stared at him in awe. How was he suddenly all... casual with me when we were just fighting with eachother the previous day? "Did something happen?" I found myself blurting out.
He looked taken aback but shook it off. "Uh, no."
"Then why-"
"I said I was sorry. I want to be on good terms with my best student and I realized it was my fault that I'm not."
He just called me his best student.
He was out of no where being... I didn't know how to describe it. He spoke to me with an even tone. It was low, but it was the best I've ever heard him use. With me especially. I was confused, but still had the urge to smile at how I was proclaimed as his best by him. "I'm your best student?" I asked.
"Oh stop acting as if you didn't know already."
"But you forced tutoring on me, I assumed that made me one of the worst."
He said nothing, looking at a loss for words and just shook his head. "Let's talk about this some other time, and begin." He said boredly and grabbed a piece of paper from his desk drawer and clicked his pen multiple times.
We began, and he took it slow for me. I could've sworn to god that he changed over night, but I wasn't complaining.
And I certainly didn't complain when he took off his suit jacket and exposed his longsleeve button down. He tugged at his tie as if it was strangling him and he made a low growling noise that freaked me out. He didn't even realize he was doing it either. "Are you okay...?" I asked cautiously.
He looked at me with his hand at his collar and nodded. "This thing just bothers me." He said lowly and tugged more.
When he continued on I could only watch where his hands went, to the paper when he pointed and his veins effortlessly showed, or when they went to his stubbled jaw, or to his tie, or when he took his pen and weaved it in and out around his fingers. I began to wonder why I couldn't concentrate and everytime he stopped to ask me something I had to shake my head and tell him I didn't understand.
The end of the lessons he set his pen down and set his elbows on the desk. "Are we done?" I asked.
"Yes." He answered.
"So now you can tell me why you made me do tutoring?"
He groaned lowly and his eyes fluttered shut in stress. "No."
"Why not?"
"Because," He backed up and stood up, gathering his things together. "I have to get home."
Why?
"Okay." I simply replied and gathered my stuff too.
It kind of went through my mind really hard at the time. Why did he have to get home? His mother? Sister? Girlfriend? That was probably why he was acting so... normal. He had a girlfriend. It made sense. He was calm to me, not nice, but calm and normal. He eased up on the class, being in a relstionship can cause that.
It made sense.
"And tomorrow." He said.
"Sorry, what?"
He stopped putting his jacket back on and looked at me strangely. "Why have you been dazing off so much today?" He asked.
What was I supposed to say to that? "I wasn't."
"Well, I said that we'll do tutoring starting tomorrow throughout the week."
"Was this not tutoring?" I asked sarcastically and he narrowed his eyes at me. "Okay, sounds great." I said bluntly and rushed out of his class room quickly.
...
"Sh-sh-sh! She's here!" I heard one of my brothers whisper loudly when I got to the front door.
I opened it up and saw them sitting on the couch looking serious and I felt myself getting anxious. Everyone was just acting so weird. "Uh, hi." I said.
"How was school?" Bailey asked.
"Good."
"Did you sleep good?" Chris asked.
"Sure."
I walked around and into the living room where they sat, dropping my bag lazily onto the floor and dropping myself onto the couch in exhaustion.
"Can we talk to you about something important?" Austin asked me, the most serious of all.
"What?" I sighed.
"If dad-"
"Let me stop you there." I said, sticking my hand up stubbornly. "I refuse to talk about our father until he gets back. So don't bother." I told him, sitting up getting ready to escape to my room.
"But..." I could hear Austin was both angry and frustrated and when he planted his feet onto the ground and his elbows on his knees, he meant business. "Our father is dead Diana. He's not coming back!" He said loudly, almost yelling.
Chris and Bailey looked at him in shock, then at me as if I may blow up. And I might've, but I kept my cool and brushed myself off. "We'll have this discussion when he's back." I repeated and made my way to my room.
"Goddammit, Diana, stop being a child!" He shouted as I walked up the stairs.
"Austin, calm down, we told you she wasn't going to listen." I heard Bailey tell him.
I wasn't going to listen either. I refused. But it did assure me that not everyone changed. My brothers still lacked their faith in my dad, but it didn't matter.
And I didn't want to let them know that their words got to my head and I didn't once stop thinking about the possibility that he might be dead. My dad might not come back, and I don't even remember being able to say goodbye to him.
There was always a dark side when it came to facts. Good things happen, Mr. Grant made me feel like a normal person today. But the dark side of things: my brother's can really screw with my mood.
And Mr. Grant's girlfriend. Why had that suddenly popped into my head? "Oh great." I sighed, realizing I had awkwardly become attracted to him like another one of his female students. I shrugged because it didn't really matter. I just had to stop thinking about his voice and his face and his arms and his hands, and just concentrate on the fact that he was willing to be on good terms with me. And he had a girlfriend, so that helped reminding myself he'd always have his shirt on in my presence.
Wow that was a very interesting thought...
I allowed my mind to trail off into the wonders of what lied behind his shirts and more.
Then I got a call, and it made me wonder why I was thinking of that rude teacher when I had someone else who liked to talk to me. "Hey." I answered.
"Have you had dinner yet?"
"No, I haven't."
"Let me take you out." Andy said.
"Are you sure about that?" I asked cautiously. "What if we-"
"I know a place." He said. "When can I pick you up?"
I bit my lip with a leaked smile. "Seven is fine."
"Alright, see you then." He said and hung up.
This was obviously a date, and I was excited for it... But I didn't want to go to a dinner. It sounds spoiled and stupid, since I was more a stay-home-and-cook person or ordering pizza. Or someone who likes to go out for breakfast. It's weird, but going to fancy places for dinner wasn't something I liked for a date.
But of course, I went anyway.