Hey everyone, I just wanted to apologize for the posting on and off without reason, I've been so busy lately. You know, the helping out with track meets, running, my time consuming internship, my brother had a birthday yesterday and turned 21 and today my other brother is turning 6, so.
Thank you all for being so patient with me, and please enjoy!
- cilla
"Bravo, Diana." Andy admired, eating the chocolate chip waffles I made at his place. We were sitting together on his couch, eating the breakfast I made.
I smiled proudly, sitting back while watching Fight Club. When we finished eating we drank wine. I sat back, staring at him. He was so into the movie, the man who only a few hours ago wore a fancy suit was in pajama pants and a tshirt, his hair messied and his face careless. He looked so relaxed, and I loved it.
When we stopped drinking, I leaned onto him, feeling as he rested his arms around me, still so into the movie.
It was a busy night. Well, busy as in we kept each other quite occupied after the movie was over. We lied together on the couch the same morning, tangled in the tiny space of his couch in his large loft, clothes deposited all over the floor. My phone buzzed and I grabbed it, not waking Andy.
It showed a message from Charlie and my heart dropped. There I was with another man...
You forgot something at my place
I frowned at the bright screen, not being able to remember what it was I forgot and texted back.
What's that?
He replied:
Me
I smiled to myself, then feeling of shame overwhelmed me. I was spending a very romantic night with someone else, sleeping with him afterwards and texting Charlie, reading his sweet jokes he sent. He knew I didn't like mornings, so he often tried to give me very stupid jokes to lighten me up. Half the time it worked, the other half it pissed me off even more. But he tried, and it was something that made me fall in love with him even more.
I didn't know what to say back, but suddenly I missed him. Did I really lack dignity to the point to where I'd up and go after being with Andy straight to Charlie's? Yes. Yes I was a terrible person, and it was getting worse. I needed to start making up my mind, like who was the one I wasn't going to hurt? Well all that was happening at this point was me hurting myself.
I woke Andy up and told him I was leaving. He was a little disappointed but completely understood. He always did. "See you soon, Diana." He told me suggestively and I laughed, kissing him and agreeing.
I went home first. I showered and then layed in bed with my towel on for about an hour fighting with my own mind.
Just don't think about it.
There. I switched my conscience off and now I would do terrible things without thinking terribly about myself!
No, idiot, it's not that simple.
Either way I got up and headed to Charlie's.
New Years was up and me and Charlie were going to his house for Savannah's party. He seemed down. "Don't pout." I told him.
He huffed. "I know, I'm gonna end up enjoying it, but thinking about it is just putting me off."
I gave him the simple advice I took from myself. "Then just don't think about it."
He shrugged, giving it a try and we were on our way.
"Diana, Chance, you're here." Savannah said happily, walking over to us. She hugged me tightly. "Thanks so much, it means a lot." She told me.
"Thanks for inviting me." I said back.
"Hey baby brother." She teased, hugging Charlie tightly.
He tensed, "Get off me." But she caught his joking tone in there and squeezed him tighter. "Happy birthday Sav." He said when she pulled back.
"Thanks, come on, everyone is excited and everyone is here!" She squealed, pulled us along behind her into the living room. Yes, everyone was definitely there.
I met a lot of people that night, and was introduced as his friend, and nothing more. Somehow, the pang in my chest when he spoke the words wasn't as prominent as it had been, and I wondered to myself if that was a good thing. I felt they thought otherwise, as Charlie wasn't helping when he'd grab my hand or look at me with something that seemed like more than friendship. I met his aunts, his uncles, his five other cousins, his grandmother, his grandfather, the gardener again...
"Mr. Grant, it's so good to see you again." She said, patting his cheeks affectionately.
He cleared his throat. "Uh, you too, Mrs. Johnson."
She looked at me, "Miss Apollo?"
I nodded and she clapped for herself.
"Oh I may be ancient, but I have a damn good memory!" She chuckled, shaking my hand again.
"You've met before?" Charlie's mother came by and he groaned uncomfortably.
I flushed as Mrs. Johnson began speaking. "Yes, just the other day I came by to do my daily tendings to the garden and I saw these two curled up on a blanket sleeping like two beautiful babies." She laughed again and Charlie pulled me closer to him.
"Sorry." He grumbled.
I shrugged at him, giving up on having his family believing we were truly friends. I could just feel them passing around the newly thrown info about Charlie and I's garden sleepover. I blushed again, remembering how nice that was.
His mother, Karla, looked at Charlie in a little shock, "You took her to the garden?" She asked, sounding a bit impressed.
Mrs. Johnson then snickered a secret laugh and leaned in, though not lowering her voice the slightest. "Well apparently the garden will soon be in the name of Diana Apollo." She said with a hint of mischief.
I felt embarrassment fill me and Charlie who had an arm around me shook his head in embarrassment, too.
Karla's jaw dropped and I was afraid of what she might think. Did she think I was using him or something? Luckily, it was all the opposite and she fawned. "Oh I'm so glad someone is gonna put it to use. That's so sweet of you, Chance."
I blushed even more.
"We're gonna- uh, be over here." Charlie grumbled awkwardly, pulling me along beside him.
We got into the kitchen and we still hadn't escaped everyone, but most people. "I don't know what I'm supposed to tell you now." I told him honestly.
He sighed and reached out to pinch my chin. "Tell me to be nice to them."
"Be nice, Charlie." I said and he suddenly smiled softly, leaning down to kiss my forehead, ignoring the fact that he had eyes looking extremely shocked or confused at the sight of Charlie lacking hostility.
His cousin Harry saw us and laughed, "Chance, you brought your friend again, huh?" He elbowed the other man next to him and they snickered.
Charlie seemed to sort of joke back, holding up his middle finger and hold my hand with the other. His cousin's laughed and approached us. "We gotta go fishing soon," Harry began. "Remember when we were kids and we'd gather around Pop's lake and steal my dads beer?" He laughed and Charlie joined in, making me feel comfortable that he was now comfortable.
I turned and spotted Savannah, making eye contact with her and she waved me over. I was about to go to her when Charlie pulled me closer. I nudged him, "Hey-"
"Don't leave me." He mumbled to me, making sure his cousin's wouldn't hear.
I sighed and looked at his sister, who gave me a look saying, I got it. And she walked over to us and casually pulled me along away from her brother who unknowingly began to pout.
Savannah laughed, "Who woulda' thought my brother would be the clingy one?" She crossed her arms casually and we walked to the living room.
I chuckled, thinking she had no idea.
"So how are you liking the party? Are you comfortable, do you need anything?" She said with an arm around my own.
Her eyes looked into mine intently like she was desperate to please. The smile that hung on her lips was soft and natural, something that made me easy like I had known them my whole life.
I chuckled, patting the arm she had wrapped around mine, "I'm great, thank you. The customer service here is fantastic." I joked, and she laughed a laugh that mimicked Charlie's, with her head thrown back and teeth dazzling. The only difference being I could tell she was used to laughing more than her brother.
"I'm glad you think so. I expect a five star rating on Yelp, by the way."
I laughed back at her. "No, seriously, though. I love it here."
"I know we can be loud. We're a lot of family to take in, are you sure it's not too much for you? It was a lot for Ricky when he first met my family." She explained, and I assumed Ricky was her husband.
"No, I love large families." I said, watching as the handful of kids sprinted around the house, and feeling as a toddler ran into me and kept running, sliding in front of the television next to the other- their childish laughter like a record echoing though the house. I smiled.
She released my arm, clapping at the toddler, "Gavin, slow down, you nearly knocked over Diana."
The cute little boy muttered a word that sounded like an apology and continued babbling about to his cousins.
Savannah turned to me eventually, a smile hanging on her lips once more. "I take it you don't have a large family? I can only imagine that's why you like them." She paused, turned quickly and set a hand on my shoulder, "I'm sorry, was that rude?"
"No, not at all. I do come from a smaller family. I think." I added quietly, wondering what my grandparents were doing and how many cousins I had.
"What do you mean?"
I shook my head, and she seemed to catch on, trying to change the subject. "So, then, what are your parents like?"
I froze at the question, not exactly knowing how to answer it. "Uh-"
"I mean, you've met my mom, but I was just wondering, since Chance has daddy issues. Shit, you probably didn't-"
"No, he told me." I said casually and she looked at me, seeming impressed also.
"He sure does tell you a lot." Her dark brows knitted thoughtfully, "And he sure does like you a lot. How long have you guys been together? I mean, uh-" She smirked, "Friends."
I blushed and shrugged, realizing it had almost been more than a full month. I didn't really know when we first started this... this thing going in between us, but I loved it nonetheless. "Yeah, my mom is already falling in love with you. You're all she's been talking about lately, actually, you've been the highlight of our family's gossip." She said fake-dramatically.
I blushed harder, wondering if she was trying to turn me into a tomato on purpose. "I'm happy to be a part of someone's family." I chuckled shyly and she laughed.
"You always have a place here, Diana. No matter what." She turned serious and I suddenly wished I had stayed beside Charlie.
"I love this house, by the way." I suddenly said, looking around and smelling cinnamon bunt cake. It was just so cozy. "It feels homey."
"Homey," She said thoughtfully. "I never really thought about that. Where are you from?" She asked curiously.
"Here." I sighed. "I've never moved."
"Oh, then you know how it is to not be able to escape family." She joked.
Did I? I mean, I guess I could agree. My brothers liked to keep track of me as if I were their property, but now I had Charlie who began to... He sort of began to take care of me. That thought made me flush. "Well, as you already know, we just have our clingy mom." She said with a sad sigh. "What's your mom like?"
"I don't know." I said, as calmly as I could manage. I tried not to make it sound overly-nonchalant, too, and maybe a little curious. I didn't want to come off as sad about it, because I knew she'd feel bad about mentioning it. There was a feeling in me- irritation? Anger? It was hard because I knew she wasn't trying to pry, I knew she just cared about Charlie's life and wanted to be as much a part of it as she could, but I grew uncomfortable with the more she questioned.
Her eyes studied me. "Oh, I'm sorry... Can- Is it alright if I ask why?"
"She died when I was six." I said awkwardly.
"I'm so sorry." She said again. "Can I ask about your dad?"
I smiled at the thought of him, remembering how he said he'd be with me soon. He'd be upset with me about Charlie, and Andy too... But he'd tell me what to do, and he'd help. God I missed him. "He's in the military." I said with a content sigh.
"Do you see him often?"
I shook my head.
Her face fell more and more as I spoke and she suddenly hugged me. "I shouldn't have brought it up..."
I laughed, aware it sounded forced. She was right, she shouldn't have. Though there was something in being honest with her about part of my life that suddenly made me feel normal around her. "No, it's fine. I'm glad I've met your mom, actually. She seems..." I didn't know what came to my mind when I was speaking, but it slipped out. "Perfect."
Savannah smiled. "Yeah, we're lucky." She said as if realizing it for the first time.
"You are."
"And I think you're helping Chance realize it, too. Do you know him? Your dad?"
I nodded, the sorrow within me being lifted the slightest. "Yes, I do." I laughed, "we've always been close."
She hugged me again. "That's so sweet. Do you want Chance to meet him?"
"Diana," I heard Charlie's voice.
I looked up at him and he grabbed my hand. "Is she being annoying?" He asked me.
I rolled my eyes at him and he narrowed his own. "No, you are." I teased and he nudged me, making me nudge him back.
Savannah laughed, "Oh you two are cute."
He furrowed his brows at her, "Were you talking about me?" He demanded, causing her to laugh a familiar beautiful laugh.
"Get over yourself, Charles." Savannah scoffed.
I saw a joking argument about to come up, but his mother came by with a kick in her step and grinned at us three. "Come, there's someone here for you." Karla said with excitement to Charlie and he pulled me along.
Standing there before the front door was a young woman, her blonde hair cut short to her shoulders, her skin even golden in the winter, she smiled a bright smile. She wore a yellow dress that seemed to stand out in the cool winter-like atmosphere. It made me question my choice of wearing jeans with black heeled boots and a simple maroon sweater.
She looked at Charlie and her eyes lit up. "Chance, as you know, it's been a while." Karla said, going over to grab the gorgeous woman's hand and drag her before Charlie. "But-"
"Claire?" Charlie's confused voice came from beside me and he inched a bit closer to me.
She smiled. "Hey Chance," And she stepped forward to wrap her arms around him casually, having him let go of me to pat her back awkwardly.
"Hey." He simply said when she stepped back.
"I'm remembering the old teen relationship." Karla fawned, "Chance's first and only girlfriend." She said to her sister standing against the wall with a drink in her hand, and I felt as he shifted toward me once more, as if telling Karla to stop whatever she was doing, but she seemed delusional.
"How are you?" Claire asked him, making him look extremely uncomfortable.
"Good." He simply said, and I felt the intense stare of his mother, almost pleading for him to end his curtness and say something else.
I elbowed him and he let out a breath. "How are you?" He grumbled, making me and the people around me relax by him being a little less rude.
"I've been doing well." She said, "I actually got my PhD this year, so," She laughed a harmonic laugh and it sounded so beautiful. "I guess you can call me doctor." She said playfully as if it was some childish joke between the two of them.
He cleared his throat and only nodded, and I felt weird for this poor glowing woman, fearing she would notice me. Maybe she already had, considering he was almost touching my shoulder he had inched so close. He began to frustrate me. Why the sudden clinging? He called me his friend all this time, now if he changed his mind my brain was going to explode. I just wanted to mean something to him.
"Congrats." He said and Karla suddenly clapped her hands, causing us to jump.
"Claire's just being modest, she's a medical doctor now."
Wow. Here I am in high school.
I wished at that moment for nothing more but to be saved from that terribly awkward situation, and prayed Charlie would let me walk away.
"That's great, good job." He said, again seeming genuine yet distant.
"Thanks, how's your job?"
"Fine. The usual." He was being so simple, I had to put my hand on his back to make him realize he needed to lighten up.
He looked down in apology and loosened the slightest. Then Claire looked at me. "I'm Claire." She smiled so politely, reaching her hand out and making me suddenly want to praise her for being so perfect. Her grey eyes met mine and I felt flushed as her hand engulfed mine with warmth. I couldn't get over how beautiful she was.
"This is Diana," Charlie said with a hand on my back as I retrieved my hand. "My girlfriend."
I felt goosebumps erupt, "Uh- friend." I corrected, not knowing why I did. He was obviously showing her he was mine, and I just rejected that? I immediately regretted it because Charlie suddenly looked pissed off. I felt the heat of his anger defuse beside me and I wished it was possible to go back in time so I'd keep my mouth shut.
She seemed so sweet, and the look on her face seemed to say she was very much infatuated with Charlie as me. Maybe more? No, I hoped not. Either way he liked me, I loved him for that.
"Nice to meet you." She said with a nod and I said the same back like I would to any other person.
"Guys, let's watch New York!" Savannah said from the living room and I worshipped her in that second as we turned around to go back. "Even though their New Year already started..." She muttered.
"I'm glad you're doing well, Chance." Claire said, placing a delicate hand on his shoulder, walking past us like a model would.
"You too," He grunted, stopping until we were alone. But I knew our missing presence was obvious and it made my nerves tangle up more. He looked at me. "What's your problem?" He suddenly asked.
"What do you-"
"I told her you were my girlfriend for a reason, why'd you have to go and make things awkward?" He hisses accusingly.
"I didn't make things awkward," I defended. "Things were already awkward."
He stood up straight and rubbed his head stressfully. "We did introduce me as your friend to everyone else." I crossed my arms and spoke with a little sarcastic tone, hoping he'd lighten up.
He just stared at me.
I reached for his face and smiled, "Hey, stop being a grump," His eyes softened. "And let's go in there with everyone else and watch New York have a bunch of fun, and watch the ball drop again so you can be cliché and kiss me at midnight." I told him, seeing him smile at me. His rare shy-boy smile that looked so soft and innocent.
He kissed me and I laughed at him, "I like that idea." Then he took my hand and we went into the living room.
It was quite obvious when we got back, and it made me uncomfortable. But soon I recovered when Savannah sat by me, her husband at her side and her kids playing on the floor. "You seriously look too young to be a mother." I blurted with a laugh, and finally saw how I had flattered her and watched her blush.
"Let me remind you, I'm three years older than Chance. As of today."
"Happy birthday by the way." I said and Charlie leaned over me with his arm around my shoulders.
"Yeah, happy birthday." He said.
She gave us a smile in thanks and I don't remember what all we talked about but his cousins reminded me of my brothers, so young and happy. And successful.
Claire and Karla seemed really close, and I felt something in me shake my insides. Why? Why did I feel like this when I knew he only liked me? Karla obviously wanted them back together, that's why.
No, that just wouldn't work. She didn't seem right for him, she was just too... She was a doctor... And-
"It's almost time." Charlie said, pulling me from my thoughts and growled my ear with excitement.
He was excited. I dropped my negative thinking and turned to see his excited smile directed at me, then in realization he shared a surprised look with Savannah. They both seemed to remember something and sprinted outside, Charlie's grip pulling me along behind him.
We heard the cheering countdown while Charlie and his cousins and sister came out to stare up at the sky, waiting. "What-" I began, but he hugged my waist from behind tightly.
"Just wait." He said, his voice this time sounding gentle and adoring.
If he knew what he did to me...
Five
Oh there was cheering throughout the entire neighborhood.
Four
A neighbor came out of their house, waving familiarly at the Grant and Stirling family.
Three
It was chilly, oh god so chilly, but I felt cozy and warm with him leaning over and resting his chin on my shoulder, watching the sky in front of us.
Two
Now everyone was out of their house, sparklers lit up and causing a glint in Charlie's eyes. I noticed Claire lived just directly across from them, and she stood opposite to us on her front lawn.
One
He spun me around and kissed me with so much passion I was a little shy about it, feeling him hold me closer. It was a millisecond after the shout: Happy New Year! when I heard a crash and crackling sound, but I was so into our kiss I ignored it.
Soon there came a boom! and I jumped, pulling away and hearing him laugh at me when I turned to see they were fireworks.
They were so beautiful.
"Happy new year, Diana." He said mischievously in my ear. But I was too into the fireworks. I had never seen anything like them.
Actually, I had never seen fireworks at all.
When one got louder I jumped again, feeling eyes on me and seeing Charlie was just looking right at me. I remember thinking then, why are you staring at me when there are fireworks in there air??!?
"They're fireworks!" I couldn't help the surprised shout over the loud screaming and crackle in the sky.
He laughed one of those laughs that made me believe that he was the happiest man on earth. "Yes, Diana, they fireworks." He sighed. "Not the good kind, though. Obviously."
"What do you mean? They're beautiful!" I said, embarrassed at how giddy and childish I probably sounded.
He pushed hair out of my face and I blushed at the intensity in his eyes. "These are the cheap kind. They light them up every year, ever since I was a kid." He looked up. "They never changed."
"You got to see these every year?" I asked in surprise, wishing I was as lucky as he was to watch these every year.
He looked at me funny and I had to look away, watching the fireworks explode in the air. I couldn't look away from those. "Diana, they're lit up for a lot of things. You know, Independence day, New Years, sometimes Valentines day."
"No- I don't know." I said distractedly, ignoring how he stared at me so much and just watched the color explode in front of my eyes, watching them sparkle and fly down with smoke behind.
"What do you mean you don't know?" He asked.
I didn't want to look away, so I kept my eyes locked on the explosion of beauty, each one loud and colorful. "I've never seen fireworks before." I said, still not looking back at him.
"You- what?"
I resisted the sudden urge to roll my eyes. It wasn't that big of a deal. "This is your-"
"Yes, Charlie, this is my first time seeing fireworks- please stop talking and let me enjoy them." I laughed and I felt him grin against my neck, then rest his chin on my shoulder again, watching me watch the fireworks.
I didn't notice until the very end of the show that there were eyes staring at me and Charlie. I didn't make eye contact, I knew she was looking at us. I suddenly felt bad, or ashamed that I was with this beautiful man when I was also with another beautiful man.
Not now don't think about it
I sighed when they were over.
"Come on, let's go now." He said, grabbing my hand and about to walk us to the car.
Savannah stopped us, "Hey, you can't just leave and not let her say bye to us." She joked, reaching for me. "I'm glad you enjoyed them." She said, and I blushed realizing she had heard me talking to him about the fireworks.
"It was nice being over again." I said shyly when Karla came to embrace me.
"Drive safe, and be nice to people." Karla said to Charlie as we were leaving.
In the car I sighed and stretched out, about to fall asleep when his deep voice alerted me.
"Claire was a junior high girlfriend. That's it." He grumbled awkwardly, looking at me looking at him. "I didn't know she was gonna be there, I had no idea. Honestly, I completely forgot about her until-"
"Charlie," I groaned with a laugh, reaching over and clasping his hand. "You don't owe me an explanation." I told him in amusement, secretly glad that's all she was to him.
He looked at me with the eyes of a frightened deer and again looked from the road to me in a double take. "Sure I do-"
"You really don't." I chuckled sleepily and he squeezed my hand.
"I don't?"
"No, of course not. That's none of my business." I said truthfully, mostly because I truly did not want to know since I knew it would hurt.
I sensed the sudden furrow in his brows. "Sure it is."
"No?" I said in irritation.
"You're a part of my life now, Diana."
Oh. Like, in a friend way?
"I mean, I don't want to keep things from you." He said a little shyly, and even with me falling asleep the guilt still ate at me, telling me to end it. Either him or Andy.
But I love them both.
"It's not like you did it intentionally." I said softly.
"I didn't. Have you ever had a boyfriend?" He asked curiously.
I sat back more and thought about it. "No."
"So Andy Carl is the only one you've ever had an intimate relationship with?"
My heartbeat quickened at his mention of Andy. Past tense... I hated how he thought me and Andy no longer saw each other. I hated how Andy had no idea I was seeing someone else. I hated myself for doing it. I hated myself-
"Diana?"
"Hm?" I flinched, realizing I was falling asleep.
"Sorry, Sweetheart, go to sleep, we'll talk later."