"Charlie?" I said early in the morning, us lying together in his bed with clothes thrown across the floor.
He grunted in response.
"Do you know why your father left?" I asked shyly, curiosity taking over.
His eyes fluttered open and he looked right at me. "No."
He seemed blunt, so I just held in my questions, knowing it indeed was not the best topic for him.
He reached out and brushed a finger against my eyelashes. "What is it?" He asked with a sad sigh, and I shook my head.
No, I didn't want to bring him down with my questions. He was just so happy, and I didn't want to ruin that. "It's okay, talk to me." He said softly and I felt terrible because I gave into my dangerous curiosity.
"Do you think it's because he didn't love your mom?" I asked quietly.
Suddenly he smirked a little, but it seemed bitter. "I think it's because that jackass didn't believe in love."
I sighed out, thinking of my parents, then he asked. "Do you think your parents did?"
I grinned, "Oh yes. My father was in complete utter and helpless love with my mother. He'd tell me all the time, 'Diana, you're beautiful, just like your beautiful mother.' and 'I still can't believe it was me she loved back.'" I giggled. "They loved each other so much. That's what my brothers would tell me."
He smiled softly at me, touching my hair and I admired his face once more; running my fingers over his stubble. I loved this man, wow.
"Do you think your mother loved him?"
He thought. "I'm sure she thought she did." Then he shrugged, "And maybe she realized it was pointless."
What was?
"What was?" I asked aloud.
"Their relationship."
My insides calmed in relief. Maybe I'd tell him. Maybe he'd love me back. I'm so confident. It was a giddy and happy feeling that came to me, and I was ready to finally hear him say it back. But maybe he wouldn't. I panicked, then backed out.
No, if he didn't then I'd make him. And after all, I was in love with him. That would have to open his eyes to something.
"Do you think she believes?"
"In love? I don't know." He said nonchalantly.
"Do you?"
"Do I what?"
"Believe in love?" I blushed in the dark, feeling embarrassed at the cliché line I'd never thought I'd ever repeat.
"No." He scoffed as if it were the most obvious answer in the world.
It was like my whole world collapsed, and my hope vanished into thin air. It shot up with the fireworks and exploded into tiny pieces that would never come back. It felt like he had rejected me, and it's because even if he didn't notice... He had.
What kind of person was I if I believed he'd loved me back? I was a fool. He didn't even believe in the concept, so how on earth could he ever look at me like I looked at him?
No stop, he'll know if you start crying.
I held it in and switched to the most casual subject I could, holding my heavy heart in shaking hands. "Thanks for taking me again." I laughed quietly, knowing how he'd either see through me completely or be oblivious to the pain I so suddenly felt all within two seconds.
He grinned back, taking the latter and believing I was as fine as I sounded. And I sounded pretty damn happy. "Thanks for coming. I didn't realize how good it'd feel to be around my family again." He said.
We ended up rambling even more about pointless stuff, and soon he fell asleep again. I remained awake. The pain never subsiding.
...
"You'll look hot in that." Erin said, pointing to the shirt I dragged my finger on through the hangers at the mall.
I rolled my eyes. "You've said that about everything I've looked at."
"Well fuck you, that's because you look good in anything."
I sighed, poking through the clothes again and looking at her, "When can we leave?" I said tiredly.
She pouted at me. "You are no fun at all to shop with." She huffed, sitting down out a store. I joined her and she looked at me suspiciously. "What's going on with you?" She asked.
"What do you mean?"
"You look so sad."
Well I feel so sad.
"I'm just tired."
Erin didn't believe me, and I hated how well she knew me. But not enough to know I'm having an affair with my teacher. I completely forgot he was my teacher, too. I've become so used to him just being... I wasn't sure anymore. Someone I couldn't love, that sounds about right.
School was starting up again, and I was feeling nervous about it for some reason. I no longer knew how to act around Charlie. What was normal? Kissing and screwing someone who didn't and wouldn't ever love me. Just thinking about that made me want to cry. Where was my dad? Lord I missed that man. He'd tell me what to do.
"Really, I wanna know what's wrong. Is it Andy?"
I shook my head. No, it wasn't. It was another man. "I miss my dad." I said instead. I wasn't lying- I did miss him. But he wasn't the reason I felt I had just gotten my heart ripped out of my chest.
I never thought it would actually physically hurt to be... Could I say heartbroken? I didn't even know about these things. "I'm sorry." She told me. "But he'll be here soon, right? That's what he said?"
"Yeah, that's what he wrote."
"Well, you'll see him soon."
I went to bed alone that night, in my own bed. I felt like it had been forever since I'd actually been home. Home? Yes, I had to remember this was my home and Charlie couldn't be, because he didn't believe loving me. He said it with such... Such honesty.
I told myself I wasn't going to cry over him. I'd just lie back and sleep.
It also meant pretending like he wasn't texting me and probably asking why I hadn't come over.
I'd tell him in the morning that I was exhausted and fell asleep. And that's what I did.
In the morning I drove to school, deep in thought. Claire? I wondered why my mind had suddenly stopped on her. No, I wasn't worried about her, but something that exact moment told me she was right.
Right?
Just right.
What did that mean?
I didn't have time to think about it, instead getting out of my car and going to art before I was late. I made eye contact with Charlie when at my locker and he gave me a wink, which I returned, seeing him smile lightly. My hurt heart fluttered. He had been smiling more lately, and I loved that I was the cause, and tried not to think about the fact that he didn't-
Goddammit I'm thinking about it again.
In art Mrs. Rain sat and talked to me the entire time, catching up and watching me paint. "How are you? I haven't talked to you in so long."
"I know, I've been occupied." I said with a shrug and she narrowed joking eyes at me.
"It wouldn't happen to be Mr. Andy Carl keeping you busy, would it?"
I tensed and noticed a few others freeze to listen in on our conversation. I blushed deeply. "Uh- What-"
"I assume so, considering you've suddenly become a tomato."
I laughed awkwardly, wondering how in the world this woman knew. She smiled at me. "Teachers listen to the gossip, Diana. You're all this school talks about these days."
I blushed even more and looked down at my work, seeing I needed more cool colors to go with the sudden emotion I felt. Lame. I felt lame and sad. Ugh, it fucking sucked to hurt like this. "Uh, I guess... We've gotten closer." I chuckled nervously and smiled.
"Your secret is safe with me."
"Well it's not much of a secret." I muttered to myself, feeling her touch my shoulder gently.
"This is nice." She admired, looking at my painting.
But no. It wasn't. It looked terrible, and partly because I hadn't painted in what seemed like months. Then I also couldn't quite pinpoint how I wanted to feel when looking at it. That's because I didn't know how to choose one emotion over the other. I felt sad, angry, thankful, in love, hurt all together and so much more. I set down my paintbrush in frustration. "It's not what I want." I grumbled.
"Take it slow," She told me with her soothing voice. "I know it's hard now, but make your decision and you'll be happy."
Make my decision. She obviously had no idea how relevant that was to my situation. Who to choose?
Hell, I wasn't even sure if Andy believed in love.
"But how do I choose?" I sighed, having her think I was only talking about the painting. But it was so much more than that.
"What do you see making you satisfied?"
Both of them.
"Everything."
"What do you feel the most?"
"Tired. Love. Frustration. Sad." I said boredly and she leaned against the table, looking up at me.
"What do you like feeling the most?"
I smiled, "Well I love feeling sad." I said with sarcasm and she jokingly hit my knee.
"Smart ass." She muttered and I gave her a look.
"Love. I love feeling love." I said with the typical teenage girl laugh. I never felt like that before.
She looked at me in shock. "I've never seen you like this, Diana."
I blushed again.
Yeah, love can do that to a person.
"Okay, start by closing your eyes." She said.
I obeyed.
"Love." She simply said. "What comes to mind?"
Charlie.
"Do you see him loving you back?" And I knew she was talking about Andy.
But I was talking about Charlie, and the answer was no.
"I think the choice is obvious." She chuckled.
She had no idea what she was talking about. The obvious choice in painting about love. Yeah, that was simple enough.
But who? Andy was a possibility. But what did Charlie think of me?
Lunch rolled on by and I went into his room. "I expected a lot of work when I got back," He said.
"Mhm." I said distractedly, reading a library book.
"And that's exactly what I got." He huffed, typing vigorously on his keyboard.
"Hey nerd." He whistled and I looked up at him with a dry expression, amusing him. "What do you want?" He asked, opening his cabinets that had his fridge.
"What do I always want?" I asked boredly, since it was a stupid question. Every time, I'd eat a PB&J and the idiot knew that.
He smirked, "Me."
Ugh, that damn look got me every time and inside I melted. Outside, though, I rolled my eyes, not being able to hold back the amused smile on my face. "Aren't we cocky?" I joked and he looked up me, spinning a pen around his fingers once more.
"Come here." He said.
It seemed like it had been a while since I heard him tell me that and he also seemed to forget because when I blushed he looked a little confused, then it seemed to hit him.
I went to him, sitting down next to him. "Aw, Diana, you still blush." He said, pinching my cheeks and I slapped him away. "Here." He said, throwing me the sandwich.
We ate comfortably beside each other and when I had to go back in his classroom to actually learn I was not excited.
"Mr. Grant, did you miss us?" Ryan asked, plopping down in his usual seat.
For some reason I looked down at my book and blushed, forgetting that he was still Mr. Grant to me.
Mr. Grant Mr. Grant Mr. Grant
I repeated his formal name in my mind until I thought I could be confident about it.
"No." Mr. Grant said boredly, making me smile.
Ryan just shrugged it off. "Aight, to be fair, I didn't miss calculus."
I looked at him and gasped dramatically, "Oh my god, someone who didn't miss calculus? I've never met anyone like that." I said, hurting him with heavy sarcasm. And, "I for one, just love calculus, like everybody else in this room."
Toby laughed, "By that she means you're not alone, Ryan."
Ryan rolled his eyes. "Yeah but she didn't have to be mean about it."
I just laughed, seeing how Charlie glared at me for insulting the most important subject ever. Honestly, why the hell choose to teach calculus? I told myself I needed to ask him soon.
He taught us a little quickly and I had to raise my hand, calling him Mr. Grant and secretly seeing how he was turned on by it. I knew him well enough to know that look, but it took me a while.
During quiet work, I caught Toby's eye and suddenly panic rose in me. Oh lord Toby had a huge mouth. He always said something about me and his brother, if would so easily say something and Mr. Grant would hear and he would hate me forever. Would he?
I suddenly could no longer picture hateful Charlie. He was just so... fun now.
When class ended and Toby no longer spoke to me I felt my skin freeze in relief. I needed to talk to him so he would keep his mouth shut.
Especially since I had a very romantic break with his beautiful brother.
Oh god I was thinking about him again, and I was with Charlie.
"Did you understand today?" He asked distractedly, organizing and reading some files in his drawers.
I did, and that meant no tutoring. "Yes." I said happily and I backed up slowly, needing to finish his bookshelf I was getting close to fixing completely.
"What are you doing?" He asked curiously, catching me as I was about to leave his room.
"Leaving." I said.
He frowned. "Where?"
"Where do you think?"
He glared. "Stop answering my questions with questions." he demanded, making me laugh at his childish vibe.
"I have a certain bookshelf to attend to, have a good night." I waved flirtatiously and slipped out before be could say anything else and went straight to his place. It was strange, and standing there at his door made me realize how crazy it was that I had a key to my teacher's home.
But I loved him- So.
My heart dropped and I shut the door behind me. He didn't love me. He wouldn't love me.
I worked on his bookshelf before I worked myself up even more.
I kept the usual pattern. Turning, grabbing a book, slipping in it's proper spot. One by one, my mind cleared for that good amount of time. I heard Charlie come in and he knew not to bother me or else I'd snap at him. As I worked and turned to grab a book, I was probably an hour or two into the placing when I froze, staring at the ground.
I looked around in confusion; it was empty. The carpet was clear, nothing there but... but carpet.
Oh my god.
I screamed.
Charlie ran in, looking at me in shock. "What is it??" He asked worriedly.
I screamed again, jumping onto him as I squealed, "I finished!!" I wrapped myself around him and he froze, looking around with me latched onto him, the suddenly hugged me tightly, swinging me around.
He swung me while shouting, "Holy shit, you did!"
I felt so giddy, excited, and proud, holding onto him holding onto me. I screamed again.
"You finished!" He shouted, stopping his spinning and we turned dizzy, falling to the floor in laughter. He flipped over me and grabbed my face.
Why was this such a big deal?
"Never. Do you cease to amaze me, Diana Apollo." He said with his becoming-less-rare-grin.
I hugged him. "Oh my god. Charlie?" I said he pulled back, looking at me, "You know what this means." I said with a smile probably as wide as his.
"Yes, I do." He said against my lips. "It means you've gotta sign some papers."
Oh my god he was really giving me his garden.
I held his face as he held my waist. "I can really have it?" I whispered, his warm brown eyes making me shiver in heat. How was that possible?
He kissed me, then looked at me again. "I made you a promise. It's yours now."
I grinned again and tightened around him. "Oh Charlie, I don't know what to say." I laughed into his neck.
"Say you're mine." He growled.
Oh?
I pushed him back to stare back at his melting eyes. "I'm yours." I said, feeling like I was his and only his at that moment.
Then we made love on his floor.
Only... It wasn't love.