'Cause I don't know
Who I am
When you're
Running circles in my head.
And I don't know
Who you are
When you're
Sleeping in someone elses bed.'
- YMA6
Fireworks
"I feel like if I ask where you've been you're gonna lie to me." Austin said as I walked into my house, seeing him and my brothers in my living room. No James. No Tyler.
I shrugged and turned to go upstairs. "Hey!" He called me down in surprise. "What are you doing? What's wrong?"
Dammit, can't a girl feel bad about herself and not be questioned about it...
"Nothing, I'm fine."
"Well we've been meeting here almost every day for a while now. You haven't even been staying here." He said accusingly.
"Okay." I continued up the stairs again and went to bed after finishing my homework, still not shedding a tear- because my heart was in my throat.
...
"You really do seem excited about this." I giggled when Andy sat me on his lap and scrolled on his laptop, helping me look for colleges.
"College is exciting." He said, moving my hair back from my shoulders and kissing me. "But kinda stressful, too."
I suppressed a shiver at how good it felt to have him near me.
It was a week after I ended things with Charlie and we haven't said anything to each other. And... He changed.
He was no longer my Charlie anymore. He was back to that scary and distant Mr. Grant who was mean. I say scary, when really I was done being afraid of him.
But either way, that teacher was back.
As we kept looking I letting out sighs of uncertainty at each college I saw. "You know," Andy said. "It's okay to go the same college one of your brothers went to."
"I know, but I just don't know."
He chuckled at me and shut his laptop, flipping me over onto the couch and hovering over me. "I guess we can do that later then." He said, giving me a kiss and playing with the necklace around my neck.
I slept over at his house and the next morning drove myself to school. Mr. Grant's door was shut, like it had been for the past week.
I ate lunch with my friends now, and we usually met up in the back of Connor's truck. He usually parked in the same side of the school that faced Mr. Grant's window, and I had to face away from it to hold back the urge to look every five seconds. God I missed him.
"You know what's different?" Cole began.
"Our seating arrangements for lunch?" I said, having Erin roll her eyes.
Cole ignored my comment. "Mr. Grant is suddenly an asshole again." He said in frustration.
Connor groaned, throwing a dark piece of lettuce out of his truck in anger. "I fucking know. He yells so much now. He's getting scarier than he was before." He shivered. "I didn't even think that was possible."
Erin nodded in agreement. "Yeah, he suddenly just... changed. What do you think happened?" She asked the guys, and I felt sick at thinking about how it was my fault.
"The other day, Zach asked him what his problem was and was like, 'Did your girl dump you or something?' and Mr. Grant was so pissed, he kicked him out of the classroom."
I squeezed my eyes shut tight and tried to get it out of my mind. Broken Charlie, Angry Mr. Grant. What killed me was the reminder. Zachary was an idiot for saying that to him, and I hated myself for the impact it obviously left on him.
"He had a girlfriend?" Erin asked with a gasp.
I couldn't take it anymore and gathered my things, hopping out of the back of Connor's truck. "Diana where are you going?" Connor asked.
"Just remembered I have a book to return." I said and gave them a wave.
Books. God I missed him.
I suddenly felt a throbbing need in my heart for Andy and I stuffed my things in my locker, noticing how Mr. Grant's classroom was shut and the light was off. I turned to head to the library and as I kept walking, I heard the tapping of shiny Italian shoes on the floor and wanted to cry. I wished so badly he loved me back. I wished I had never loved him, and I wished he had hated me all at the same time. I wished we never had that beautiful relationship.
I turned into K-hall and heard him opening his door, and I succeeded in escaping.
I called Andy and told him I just wanted to see how he was. He was happy I called, and told me he was fine. And for some reason, that small conversation soothed me. His voice felt so comforting through the speaker and I couldn't help but hate myself more. I needed to tell Andy. He deserved the truth.
"I never stopped seeing Andy."
Oh the look on Charlie's miserable face.
I wished my daddy was with me. I thought that over and over again, wishing he'd hurry up and come soon to tell me I needed to tell Andy, and get this heavy planet off my shoulders. And so he'd tell me I really wasn't that bad of a person, but instead made bad choices. I knew that's what he'd say, but it meant absolutely nothing coming from myself.
Calculus was coming up and my heart was a nervous wreck. I dreaded that class more than I did before. Charlie had a reason to hate me now, so I couldn't ignore the feeling when I walked in and saw him glaring at his computer screen.
"Things are back to normal now, huh." Ryan murmured to me.
I nodded in agreement.
Sure. If you could call cheating on your calculus teacher and having him loathe you again normal...
The bell rang and he stood up, not saying a word as everyone else silenced immediately. Finally he straightened his handsome self out and began writing things down on the board, speaking lowly and explaining quickly what it was without knowing how difficult it was to understand him.
I realized when he was angry he taught fast, not even noticing when he did.
Everyone stopped raising their hands, and when the classwork was handed out- he no longer passed it out individually- I knew for a fact I wasn't the only one who stared at the paper in utter confusion.
I had no idea what I was doing, but I tried.
When the bell rang I stood up and got my stuff together, feeling hurt and hateful eyes burning me. Everyone left the classroom and Toby walked past me, "Nice necklace." He winked, obviously knowing it was from Andy.
My face turned red.
Everyone was out sooner than I thought and hated myself for being so slow and shakey with my things.
"Did he get it for you?" I heard his quiet and menacing voice ask.
He was talking to me.
Goosebumps erupted on my arms and I snuck a look at him, seeing his eyes met mine. Those once-warm brown eyes were so cold. So sad. "Yeah." I said after looking away, and heard as a stack of papers were shoved off his desk in anger.
"And you're with him now." It wasn't a question.
"Charlie, are you with Claire?" I asked, hoping he'd say yes. I loved him so much I had to let him go. I was only holding him back.
"Don't call me that." He snapped.
"It's what's good for you-"
"Get out." He shouted. "You don't tell me what's good for me. Fuck you, Diana." He said, sounding terribly scary.
I let out a breath and nodded, escaping quickly while I could and driving home.
My brothers were there. "Let's go out to eat." James suggested.
They looked hopeful and I stared back at them, wishing the pain I felt would subside. I watched their expressions change to concern and Chris stepped forward, "What's wrong?"
I swallowed my feelings once more and smiled, masking the indescribable pain I felt and shook my head, "Nothing, I'm fine. Yeah, let's go out to eat."
...
I was at Andy's house, making a sandwich and I got a flashback. One that made me fall forward in sorrow and hold onto the counter top for support.
"What do you want?" I remembered Charlie's casual face ask in his rolling chair in his classroom, and remembered how a smile took over.
"What do I always want?"
"Me."
I wanted to cry so bad I wanted to just curl up in a ball and feel sorry for myself.
"Diana?"
But I couldn't.
"Are you alright?" Andy asked me worriedly, and I straightened out.
"Sorry, I'm fine. Just a headache." Partly that was true. I was on my period, and earlier when we were making out things were about to be taken too far and I had to tell him. He laughed in understanding and told me I didn't have to be embarrassed.
"I got you something." He said, arms wound around my waist and he held a small box of chocolate cake. My mouth watered.
I found myself squealing like a little girl and threw my arms around him. "I love you." I said happily- randomly. And he grinned, knowing I meant it and kissed me.
"I love you, too."
Chocolate cake. That perfect man bought me chocolate cake because I was on my period. No one had ever done that before.
Another flash back.
When Charlie casually asked me what kind of ice cream I wanted and my heart warmed up. I remember when we'd be cuddling at night and I'd always say something about how I wanted candy, or pancakes, and sure enough he'd go out and get them for me. I wanted to cry again.
"Diana?" Andy looked into my eyes and pulled me back onto earth.
"Thanks." I smiled at him, and turned as he let me go to eat my cake. That perfect man.