Hey everybody!!!
I know... It's been... a while, but I've been crazy busy all summer, and very much distracted. I probably use that excuse a lot, but I know I haven't been back for a while, so I owe it to all of you to give you all a chapter! I see it's pretty short, so I'll go ahead and post the chapter after this one and hope that'll be enough. Thanks for the support and let me know what you think!
- cilla
ps. I've missed all of you
I didn't want to finish my project, but I knew I was going to have to start with it soon or else I'd never get it done. Months previous to then I'd already have it finished, but I had turned lazy and was living in the unrealistic life with a famous man who tried to get me whatever I wanted. Sure, it was nice. It was actually amazing and I loved it, but at the same time I was hoping it would soon stop before any of it got to my head. I didn't want to turn into a brat and I didn't want him buying me things all the time. Sometimes he'd even get mad at me for buying myself things. Like clothes, and groceries for my house...
I found it incredibly sweet that he wanted to provide for me but I had to remind him that I was capable of getting these things myself. My parents saved plenty of money for us, their kids, and only us.
I had stayed after school to finish my project because I knew if I was at Andy's doing it, I wouldn't be doing it at all. I was almost finished, having only a few notes to write down and remembered half my random notes were in my English folder. After opening that I stared at it long and hard, goosebumps attacking me and heat clawing its way to my face.
"Oh." I said quietly to myself.
My teacher called my name and said she was leaving. I looked up at her and nodded, stuffing everything but my English folder in my bag. I left as my teacher was and immediately began walking to my calculus teacher.
The door was cracked, which was rare. I opened it and saw him sitting there, glasses on and narrowing those once-warm eyes down at people's homework. As soon as I walked in he looked up, meeting my eyes with wide and surprised ones. "What do you-"
"What the hell is this?" I shut the door and dropped my things, opening my folder and taking out a couple papers with both our names signed, titled Maven. I held it up to show it to him.
He looked back at me in irritation, "You obviously know what it is."
"Why is it in here?"
"Because it's yours." He said, looking back down at his papers and continued grading.
I sighed, feeling even worse inside. I didn't deserve the garden, after being the terrible person I was. "I can't take this, you know that."
He clenched his jaw as he met my eyes once again. I held in the nerves that overflowed me at his scary expression. After all we did together, I asked myself why I was still afraid of him. "You can and you will."
I approached him, trying to ignore how I noticed how nervous and uncomfortable he suddenly became. I set the papers in front of him and he glared at me. "It's not like I'm gonna go anymore." I said, trying to sound as nice and normal as possible.
His eyes softened in confusion and it hurt to see him look at me like he was, "I thought you liked it?"
I held in my frustration and turned around to walk back to my desk, squeezing my eyes shut. I told myself he would be fine, and so would I. We both had someone for us.
"I do." I said, trying to hold back the longing and softness in my voice. It was difficult, but I felt it somewhat worked.
"Then why-"
"I don't deserve it." I thought of what else to say and opened my mouth speak, but he cut me off.
"Yes you do. It's already yours, stop being so difficult and just take it." He stood and held out the papers.
I actually contemplated taking them and ending the discussion then and there, but knew it was wrong. I didn't move a muscle and stayed where I was. "Thanks, but you'd just be wasting it. Give it to someone else."
He rubbed his jaw with closed eyes and looked incredibly frustrated. He was probably holding himself back from strangling me. "I don't want anyone else to have it, it's yours. We made a deal." He said with a loud voice.
I felt my heart rushing faster by hearing him say such things. I wanted to yell at him and tell him to stop saying stuff like that. He had Claire, he should at least give it to her. I had too sweet of memories to go back and not think of him. "I'm not taking it." I grabbed my bag and turned to leave, but he spoke again.
"You do realize these are just copies of the ownership forms, right? It's already in your name, these are only for proof."
I stared at him. I was shocked. No, I didn't realize that, and felt incredibly stupid. He looked at me with an unreadable expression and I realized I couldn't win in that conversation, so I left, escaping to Andy's house. Where I forgot all about Maven and Mr. Grant.
...
I was walking through the halls, reading the flyers. A girl in the dance committee, Sky Rodgers, had asked me to look over all them that informed people of the upcoming dance. I personally thought it was stupid, but then again I didn't like any dances and so my negativity was cruel. And I'd never express that toward anyone who had enough spirit to join the committee and dedicate so much of their time just to create a stupid dance.
They looked nice, and I told Sky that. It was after that drove me crazy. She wouldn't leave me alone, and followed me all over during lunch. I secretly prayed Erin would come along and find me because she feared Erin for some strange unknown reason.
After it didn't end, I went looking for her, after realizing she wasn't outside in Connor's truck. Neither was Connor. Or Cole. Then I came to the conclusion that they all went to her house for lunch and I felt frustrated, giving up and escaping to the library so she would at least shut up. She did.
When lunch ended I rushed to Erin's locker, waiting until she got back to glare at her. She gave me a sly grin. "You bitch." I groaned, giving her a one-armed shove after realizing she did it on purpose. "How did you know?"
"I saw you looking at the flyers. Come on, Diana, you hate dances, why else would you be doing that?"
I glared harder at her, making her laugh. "That's not cool. She followed me all throughout lunch."
"Aw, you have a little admirer."
"I hate you." I grumbled and she rolled her eyes, throwing an arm around me.
"I'll make it up to you."
"Well yeah, you have to."
She walked me to class, and the both of us parted ways longingly. After a dreadfully long and painful calculus class, Erin and I went over to my house just cause.
Calc was terrible. As always these days... All Mr. Grant did was glare and grumble and tell us how stupid we were. I felt he began hating me more and more each day. It was to the point to where he didn't look at me, didn't even acknowledge me being around. I also thought... Maybe he didn't hate me. Maybe he stopped thinking about me.
No one was home when we got there, and we just stood around talking casually. I found myself catching onto something she said and gripping onto it desperately. I started to wonder about him again; him and her.
Just the way she was so casually sitting on his couch, looking so perfect beside his mother. It was like she was made to be in his presence. She was made to sit on his couch, to be his girlfriend. To be his future.
I had to stop thinking about it. That's how things were gonna be and I had to except it or I'd just be screwing myself over. I had Andy for godsake.
"Hey," Erin snapped, making me dramatically flinch out of my mind and I looked at her. "What the hell?" She seemed angry all the sudden, the sign of frustration just pinned to her forehead.
"What?" I asked back.
"Alright." She said authoritatively, sitting down at my dinner table and looking completely serious. "What's going on," She asked lowly.
I stared at her in confusion.
"Oh cut the shit, and tell me why you've been acting like this!"
"Acting like what?"
"So distant, so fucking sad. Tell me."
I shook my head as if that were the stupidest thing in the world. "I'm fine, what are you talking about?" I chuckled.
She stood up and stepped forward in an intimidating way, but I'd be damned if I let her do that. It was actually quite amusing. "I'm your best friend. You're supposed to tell me things, and I know for a fact your keeping a whole lot of shit from me." She said loudly.
I wanted to collapse in frustration. This girl knew me so well, but I couldn't tell her. It wasn't one of those things I could just openly talk about because I couldn't even think of how she'd react. It was honestly something... It was bad. It was illegal.
Leave it to me to be cliche and call it love.
"Erin," I took her shoulders and looked her in the eye, hoping she'd see the truth in my lie. I just wanted things to go back to normal. "I feel like shit because I miss my father who still isn't here. It's nothing more than that, and I'm sorry that I've been acting like a downer."
She just glared at me, hard and mean but not nearly as mean as my calc teacher's. She grabbed her jacket angrily and stormed out of the house, and it was clear she didn't believe me.
I let my legs give out and I slid to the floor, laying my cheek against my knee and staring at the ground, hearing the sounds of silence in my house. The washing machine, the dishwasher, the heater. All the sounds I completely forgot about at his mother's house. And that was because it was filled, there were so many people who filled in that empty sound of pain and isolation that it made me less lonely. And I knew it made him less lonely, too.
I closed my eyes and relaxed, reminding myself of how this was once my entire life. This was normal. I once never heard the heater, or the washing machine, or the dishwasher. I didn't hurt in my own house- I certainly never have craved anybody.
As I thought this over, I fell asleep against my knees to the sound of silence.