Chapter 51: Safe Keeping

Oh.

Is this what a heart attack feels like?

I stared back at Charlie who had just said the words I never thought I'd ever hear from him. I didn't know what to do. I knew one thing, though, I felt so good saying it all. I felt so good hearing those words from him.

Then I thought deeply. He wanted me, but did he truly love me? Or was he just saying that?

As if reading my thoughts, he laced his fingers through mine as he used to, and spoke like he had when we were together. "I'm not just saying it."

I looked at him in surprise, and he suddenly gave me that gentle smile of his. "I'm in love with you, Diana."

He said it again.

"I love you," He whispered, saying it for the third time, before capturing my lips in his.

I wasn't even sure what to think as I awkwardly sat there and allowed him to kiss me. I then kissed him back, not thinking of anything for the next minute, then I remembered. I wasn't going to allow him to do this to Claire. I pulled back, "I- uh-" I had no idea what to say.

"What is it?"

"I don't want you to hurt her." I said shyly, feeling the honesty leak out by a sudden habit.

"You have the warmest heart on earth, you know that?" He sighed, pleading me with his eyes. "I'll take care of that, please don't over think things-"

His front door was swung open and Charlie and I turned to face his sister, who froze seeing us. Charlie's hands fell to his sides, and I wasn't prepared to hear that man's mean voice. Savannah looked around, as if searching for something.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" The man at my side demanded.

Savannah seemed to not worry the slightest about him talking, and looked at him as if he hadn't said a word. "Where are they?" She asked.

Charlie and I looked at each other, me probably looking incredibly clueless. He looked back at his sister and furrowed his brows. "Who?"

"Mom and Claire!" She answered in frustration, shutting the door and stepping in, looking around again.

"What?" He asked her like that would be the stupidest thing to ask. "How the fuck should I know?"

Savannah stopped walking and turned to him in a serious manner, "Because they're supposed to be here?"

"No they aren't, what are you-"

"Their cars are parked up front."

I froze completely in worry. This probably made me look worse to his mother, kissing a man who was in a relationship. Charlie only clenched his fist and said again, "What?" In venom, in anger.

"They're supposed to-"

She stopped talking and we all heard the sound of someone's worried voice back from Charlie's room. He strode with that hard and scary face and Savannah and I peaked from the corner. He pulled open the door to his room, and revealed Claire and Karla, Claire speaking worriedly, and Karla looking stern. They froze and turned. Claire gasped, "Chance, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to eavesdrop, we only came to surprise you. I was going to leave, but Karla-"

Charlie didn't listen and had his mean face on. "What the fuck do you not know about privacy?" He shouted, causing me to jump. Savannah put her hand on my shoulder soothingly.

"Chance," His mother began,

"No, get out." He bellowed, and Claire seemed to shy back, but his mother almost seemed used to it.

"I want to talk with you about all of this," Karla said, and I felt Charlie's hostile aura take place.

Claire squeezed past Karla and past Charlie at the door way, "I'm sorry, Chance." She apologized quickly and began to leave, "Karla, let's go." She pleaded, being sweet and obviously not wanting to make him angry. She was so damn nice.

Karla ignored her and Claire turned to take her leave, looking at me before going. "I'm sorry, Diana."

Me. She was apologizing to me.

Then she escaped. I just stood there like an idiot. "But- She- I should be sorry." I said quietly, and Savannah wrapped her arm around me.

"I want you to understand that when you got with Claire you started a relationship. And you lied to me about Diana, who's still in high school."

Savannah gasped beside me, and gave me shocked look. I blushed.

"Yeah? Well I'm her teacher too, what are you going to do, call the police? Forbid me from seeing her? You selfish bitch, I can take care of myself." He shouted, louder this time.

Karla gasped this time and Savannah retreated her arm from my shoulders to cover her mouth in shock. I crossed my arms uncomfortably.

"Get out." He demanded again, turning to walk like he did when he was mad.

They were in the living room, and Karla didn't yet look at me. "I'm not going to do any of that-" She started to speak softly, and he just kept getting even more angry.

"I want you to leave my house." He spoke, his voice directing around, sounding like he spoke to everyone else in the room.

My ears rang at the volume of his voice, and I stepped back uncomfortably, seeing as Savannah began to leave as well. Karla was about to call her, and I spoke quietly, "Well, I should get going..." I said, grabbing my keys.

"What?" Charlie turned to face me, "Why?'

I froze. What the hell was I supposed to say? "I need to go home...-"

"I don't want you to leave." He said with that pleading voice again, and I knew he was about to start begging. I internally cringed at him again, feeling bad at the thought of him doing that in front of his family.

"Really, I-"

"Please, don't leave, Diana."

I noticed as Karla and Savannah both froze before the door, looking back at him and I. He was only looking at me, his eyes warming mine. I didn't know what to do, what to say. Of course I wanted to stay, but I needed some time alone as well. He had said he loved me, he had said he was in love with me. "I'll be back." I promised, seeing as his face fell. "It's just so much right now," I admitted, trying to remind him that I was trying to understand that my father wasn't coming back. Trying to understand what he looked like, and how he smiled at me. How he told me he loved me, and said I looked like my mother. "I want to be alone." I said softly, seeing his expression still hadn't changed.

Savannah whispered to her mother that they should leave, and finally Karla listened. It was just Charlie and me. I was a little thankful, at the same time uneasy. "Please." He said again. "You left me before, please don't leave me again."

My heart broke, and I remembered how before I'd not been able to stand the clingy-ness he showed. I wouldn't look twice when walking away, but this was Charlie. Apparently he loved me, and I loved him as well. It was so hard to leave with him needy, desperate, and I hated how scared he suddenly looked. This grown man who lived with a glare, strong and mean. He looked so frightened. "I'll be back." I swore.

He just looked back at me, not saying anything for a while.

"I promise." I said, meaning it, too.

"When?" He asked me quietly, looking down at me, but looking so small.

"Tomorrow."

Charlie squeezed his eyes shut, suddenly looking like a little boy. I found some sort of relief at not being the only one who seemed like a child. It was just a terrible day for everyone. "Not tonight?" He whispered.

"It's already late." I sighed.

When he opened his eyes, he looked so sad, "You promise you'll be back?"

I wrapped my arms around him tightly before releasing and leaving. "I promise." I swore, when letting go, seeing he reached out for me, but knew better of it and kept his hands to himself.

When I gathered my things, and left his apartment and shut the door, I felt suddenly so free. I felt the freedom of aching, and pain, I felt how it was okay to hurt. The crying was okay, because people needed to cry sometimes. I was a human, and I felt what I never thought I'd feel when my dad died. I felt like I was surrounded. Loneliness just hadn't exactly stayed with me that day, and I wasn't sure why. Either way, I was satisfied. Sad, heartbroken, but thankful I was able to feel like a human being.

...

Friday was there. I wanted to sleep in, but of course I couldn't do that. I had done it enough already. I had to face the day, with a hurt heart and a tough mind for him. My dad wouldn't be happy if he saw me on the floor throwing a fit like a child, but he would hold me and tell me it was okay. He'll be at peace. I felt like shit, honestly.

I guess some people heard that my father was going to be back, because I got some notes in my locker that said they were happy for me. I knew right away that it was Connor's handwriting. When I read it, of course I secretly released a tear, but I told myself that was it. This was school, the place where emotions shouldn't matter, and the only thing that did matter was education. For some reason I felt I had been slacking with that. Luckily, my calculus grade started spiking a few weeks prior, thanks to Mr. Joseph.

At my locker, I knew my calculus teacher was in the room behind me. I wanted to stop by, I wanted to tell him I was fine, and see if he was, too. Claire was still in his life, and after that afternoon I felt like I had ruined it all. She looked so apologetic, and I didn't like it because I didn't deserve it. If anything, I should've been the one to apologize.

The bell rang and I was able to pretend like I was fine and learn.

Lunch came, and I was debating on whether or not to go to his classroom. I felt like he would text me or something, but he didn't. Part of me was disappointed, part of me was thankful he saved me from that confusion. The library. Of course, since that was my escape route. I couldn't find it in me to eat yet, and I knew my father wouldn't be happy about that. I just felt so sick.

On my way down the main hall, Connor turned a corner and bumped right into me. We stood and stared at each other. "Hey," He smiled, as if I had never treated him terribly. It was a while since I saw a real friend in front of me.

"Hey," I smiled back. But it was coming, and how was I supposed to respond to that?

"How was it?" He grinned, and I felt bad for him. I knew he'd feel bad, and I felt like he'd also be upset about it. It was a big slap in the face, so I couldn't imagine if he stayed still.

Could I tell him now? Or should I make a preamble? I began walking, and he followed beside me like I expected. "Uh, well..." It was so awkward to say the words. Charlie had said them before, but I never did. I already felt the bile build up in even thinking about saying it. "He didn't show."

The florescent lights got brighter as we headed down the main hall, and I suddenly felt insecure. I ended up not caring, and thought if he saw my sorrow, then he saw it. Fuck it, I shouldn't care in the first place. "What?" Connor stopped, and looked at me. Then under those bright lights he set his hands on my shoulders, examining my face with those wide eyes of his. "Diana..." He began, already seeming to understand something.

"He, uh... Didn't exactly make it." I added with a breath of air, "Alive."

Connor's face looked speechless.

I had to say it again. I had to be more clear. "He's dead."

God this is fucking awkward.

Connor embraced me, a friendly hug that I took in casually. To tell him I was fine? I didn't even bring up my condition. My mental state. It had to be perfectly normal to want to go to sleep and live in the dark for the rest of your life after someone close to you... Dies.

"I'm so sorry."

Then like bam! the world spun around. I thought I was the one having to give out apologies, and after one day all the sudden I felt I had been getting them left and right. I told myself to shrug it off, the darkness I felt. The pain that I could feel, and I was partly thankful I was no longer the emotionless whore Charlie accused me of being. Even if he says he didn't mean it, I labeled that act as exactly those words. I could feel openly, now. A heartless whore I thought of myself as, and I remembered when Charlie looked at me with those eyes and said I had a warm heart.

He loves me.

I sighed against Connor's shoulder and felt a small amount of tears take over.

Just let them come.

I did. It was only a few, and I allowed myself that. I was allowed to cry, I told myself that. "I know." I said.

He gave me a friendly squeeze before releasing me. "I don't know what to do." He said in apology. He sounded like such a friend, when I had been the worse one of all. I told myself I needed Erin.

I wanted to tell her everything.

"Me neither." I said with a sad chuckle, wiping the tears away casually. Connor really didn't know what to do. He just stood there with his hands at his sides and looked at me.

"How did you sleep?" He suddenly blurted.

I smiled at him. "I slept like a baby who cried all day." I said in some embarrassment.

He seemed to blush, and I took his hand. "I'm sorry I've been a shitty friend."

Then Connor's eyebrows shot up in surprise. Yeah, I was apologizing once more, but I knew it was over quite yet. "Have you seen Erin anywhere?"

"She left this morning to go to some spa with her mom."

I nodded.

"Do you want me to call her?"

I shook my head, "Don't worry about it, I'll talk to her tomorrow."

I wanted to get out of that conversation, so I pat his shoulder as I walked off. He just stood there, like a statue. "Will you be okay?"

I stopped, turned to face him before walking away. I said, "I'll live."

It was true.

My library lunch was decent. I thought to myself throughout the day. I couldn't read, I just sat there and thought. I knew I wasn't supposed to do that, because I'd just end up making things worse by overthinking, but I welcomed it. I felt safe for some reason even though I was swimming in a pit of needles, I felt safe knowing I was still feeling something.

When calculus came up, I wondered how Charlie would be. How Mr. Grant suddenly turned back to Charlie for me. That sweet man was back. But I felt like it was all in my head, since it was just the previous night he grabbed my face and told me he loved me. I replayed that throughout my walk to his classroom. He was up already, writing on the board when I came in.

He turned after he finished, and I was already seated in my seat. He stopped for a split second after our eyes met, then kept walking. He didn't look pissed off, but he wasn't all smiles either.

Mr. Grant seemed a little off on his teaching that day. He couldn't quite stay straight on one subject, and ended up getting frustrated and grumbled towards the last thirty minutes of class, "Just do whatever and keep your voices down." He walked back to his desk with that stern face. I avoided his eyes, not sure how I'd feel if I caught it.

I saw Toby and my heart throbbed. Just the previous day I had said goodbye to his brother for good. I hated how sad I became by remembering how he was no longer there to sweet talk me to sleep. Andy was getting married, like he was supposed to.

Toby stayed in his seat and stared down at his phone, scrolling bored. He seemed to be moping. I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to talk to anyone, but when I turned to get out a book, these girls began to talk to me. "What happened with you and Andy Carl?"

This was the fucking perfect subject for me. I just stared at them.

"It's none of your damn business." I heard Toby snap.

"Keep your voices down." Mr. Grant said distractedly, and I heard him typing rapidly on his computer. He at least sounded normal, that made me feel somewhat better.

The girls turned back around in embarrassment. I folded my hands together and looked up, meeting Toby's eyes. He was sad, too. But he gave me a small nod, one that seemed the slightest bit forgiving. No doubt Andy told him not to be so hostile toward me. I know Toby didn't like me as much as he had before.

It wasn't supposed to matter anymore.

Thirty minutes seemed longer than it should've been, and the bell rang. I didn't know where to place my feet. I didn't know if I should leave or stay to see what was going on between Charlie and I.

The classroom emptied out, and I stayed behind.

I couldn't yet look at him. "Tell me your feelings haven't changed." His voice said after a beat of the school went quiet.

"They haven't." I assured, then found it in me to turn and look at him. Needless to say I was so relieved to look back into those beautifully comforting eyes. "Tell me yours haven't changed either." I said, and he got up from his chair and kneeled in front of me, staying between my legs and looking up at me like I was something to him. Just the way he looked at me made me feel like I was worth everything.

He set his hand on my knee and his other hand at the back of my neck. "My feelings won't ever change for you." He promised. "I'll say it as many times as you need." He brought his forehead to mine once more, "I love you."

I didn't say anything, instead taking in the feeling of him loving me. I had once thought it was never possible. Then there he was, making me feel like a princess, the way he looked up at me.

"I'll say it again," He pulled back and looked me in the eyes. It took me everything to keep that strong loving gaze. "I love you, Diana."

"I love you, too, Charlie."

He brought me to him for a kiss, and I still hesitated. "It's over with her and I," He told me. "Claire understands."

I know that he didn't have feelings for her, but it still bothered me that they were together in the first place, when it was a stupid reason because it was literally my doing. It made me wonder how he felt about Andy and I, and I felt awful again. We were looking back at each other like the first time we kissed, and I felt the tension ease up like it should've been. I missed joking around with that man, and the mushy lovey-dovey stuff was making me embarrassed and a little timid. He gave me a grin.

"Oh, you idiot." I sighed dreamily, wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him. Charlie suddenly smiled into me and I squeezed him tighter, feeling so much better and relaxed. My crazy and self-beaten mind was so relieved of that mean voice in my head that kept speaking to me. The voice that shut up after telling me how sad I deserved to be. In that moment, even if it didn't fix much, I just felt so much better.

While we were kissing, the sound of his classroom door clicking startled the two of us apart, and I turned in my chair to see Mr. Joseph looking at us in surprise. I felt nothing but relief then.

A silence passed over the three of us, Charlie probably just standing there frozen like an idiot. I wasn't sure, because I was too busy watching Mr. Joseph to see what he would say. I was never disappointed with that old man. "It's about time." He said loudly, with a big grin on his lips.

I rolled my eyes and turned to see Charlie look confused, so confused and I held in an uncomfortable laugh. I had to stand, because I felt strange just sitting there between Jo and Charlie.

"Charles, don't act so surprised." Mr. Joseph chuckled out as I casually set my things in my bag once more.

Charlie narrowed his eyes. "What?"

"He knew." I said flattly.

The attractive man gave me a look. "You... didn't-?"

"I already knew, son, she didn't have to say a thing." Mr. Joseph laughed.

Charlie just turned his expression into an almost-pout. "Well, you could've told me." He muttered to me.

"You weren't exactly on speaking terms with me at the time." I said back, and his expression soften in regret. I wanted to hug him and tell him he was forgiven, but the old man was still in the room.

"So everything's fixed I hope?"

I wasn't sure anymore. There still felt like there was something missing. Something to be fixed between Charlie and I.

"Yes." Charlie answered for me, and took my hand boldly in front of Mr. Joseph. I only felt embarrassed at how open he could be.

Mr. Joseph just nodded with that sneaky smile of his, and he exited with a whisper, "Your secret is safe with me."