"Toby?" I answered the door in shock, seeing him standing at my doorway and looking uncomfortable.
The chatters of people from behind me were distracting me from proper concentration, and I felt a pang of pain and longing for this guy's brother. I missed him terribly, and I hated that. Especially when I had Charlie.
The house was filled with people. My brothers, my brothers' wives, my brothers' wives' families. James, Tyler, and Charlie. My grandparents. Unknown aunts and uncles. People from my mom's side of the family. Strangers, basically. Cousins. I had so many cousins. Some my age, others younger, others a couple years older. Erin was there. Cole and Connor, too. But Toby stood there right in front of me giving me the perfect excuse to hide away from being a good host to all these people I didn't know. To all these people who felt bad for me, and terrible about themselves.
"Hey." He got out, clearing his throat and peeking behind me in curiosity. "Full house?"
I sighed, widening the door as he entered. "You could say that." I looked up and froze, seeing a familiar and incredibly beautiful- beautiful and sad business man. His eyes were so painful. What hurt was the fact that he stood there, looking tired and worn.
"Andy." I whispered, his eyes staring back into mine.
Toby turned and groaned. "I thought you were gonna stay in the car?"
"You seriously expected me to do that?" Andy snapped. I was scared.
Why I was scared, I have no idea, but I was. It was a feeling of fear from the changed man in front of me, fear from it being my fault, and a sharp reminder that Charlie was just in the kitchen. If he was aware of the fact that this man was here, I didn't know what he'd do. Not that he'd cause a scene or anything, but I was afraid for his temper.
"Well don't just fucking stand there." Toby shot back, making Andy grit his teeth and straighten out his suit, then walk towards me.
When he was in front of me, everything seemed to wash away. His eyes looked suddenly so warm and familiar. It was opposite of Charlie. For Charlie, the cold meanness was once usual.
It was terrifyingly alien coming from Andy.
"I'm so sorry about your dad." He said, standing there. His fingers twitched, and I was expecting him to touch my face. To brush back my hair and invite the butterflies to live in my stomach again. He and I knew it wasn't allowed.
He stepped inside.
Daphne was the first to notice him, Bailey's wife. Her gasp wasn't as quiet as she thought it was, and the same applied to when she whispered Andy's full name in shock. That's when the house went hushed in shock and excitement. I prayed Charlie would leave it alone.
"It's... o-"
"It's not okay, Diana." He let out a sigh, keeping his distance. He was so far, it hurt. But it seemed to hurt him more, and that's why he reached for me and wound his arms tightly in desperation. For a second I didn't care about anything, and held him back, feeling as he breathed me in.
"I'm sorry." I suddenly whispered as we hugged.
"I told you to stop saying that." He sadly reminded me.
I pulled back, feeling all too cold suddenly. His eyes were the saddest I'd ever seen them. "You know you shouldn't be here." I said. His eyes reflected inner agony.
"Excuse me, Andy Carl?" Someone- I think she was my aunt- called in excitement, and he looked to her. She smiled. "I just wanted to say hello."
"What the hell is Andy Carl doing here?" My grandfather's voice sounded from the kitchen, and I painfully followed Toby in the living room after Andy politely greeted and followed as well, and it bothered the hell out of me considering the kitchen and living room were both connected. Charlie's face watched Andy in shock. But it matched everyone else's, so that didn't matter much.
"Mr. Carl." Austin came around and shook his hand kindly. "Thanks so much for coming by. And thanks so much for thinking about Diana." He said in honesty, obviously seeing the pain in Andy's eyes and probably hating me for it. I wondered if my brothers saw me as a heartless whore for ending things with Andy, since they seemed not too hesitant to welcome him in my life.
Andy shook his hand back, gripping the elbow in an automatic political-professional handshake. Andy shined even in sadness. "I always think about Diana." He said, and I turned red as the heat of his words took over. The house adored him, and the women who barely knew me fawned in surprise.
I was irritated with him.
Andy spotted Erin as she approached. "Hello Erin." He said. "How are you?"
She seemed to show a flood of sympathy and hugged him in a friendly way. I loved her for making things less uncomfortable. "I'm doing great. How are you?" She made the mistake of asking.
His eyes met mine when he made an obvious answer, "I've been better."
"You're getting married, I hear." Tyler casually said while Toby shifted restlessly on his feet, nodding familiarly to Cole and Connor.
Andy's eyes turned cold and hurt again. "I am."
Then I began hurting as well.
"You're not wearing your ring?" Tyler boldly pointed out.
"Tyler." I groaned, seeing he shut up, realizing too late his mistake.
"The wedding isn't exactly something I look forward to." Andy got out.
I felt so much negative emotion hit me as I stood beside him, and had to escape outside, away from Andy's familiar side to breathe. I didn't want it to hurt, I didn't want Andy to hurt.
But what I hated the most was how I was thankful. Thankful for the fact that Andy didn't want to get married, thankful that he loved only me. I hated so much how fucking selfish I was for that, I hated myself.
As I stood outside, I heaved, and that was when I realized I was crying.
His warm hand touched my shoulder and I squeazed my eyes shut, wondering if the tears would disappear that way. They didn't. "Please don't cry, Diana." Andy said to me, miserably. But he was a hypocrite, because I knew he was about to cry as well. I knew this because I was the bitch who had been making him cry.
I couldn't answer back, so he pulled me to him. I once had contemplated introducing him to my dad. Oh my dad would have adored Andy. He would have had every reason to.
"I'm sorry, Andy." I cried when he hugged me. I knew he told me to stop saying that, but I couldn't help it. The way he just said it in front of everyone. How he always thought about me, how he didn't want to get married.
"I know, my love." He smoothed my hair with his large warm hand. "I know."
And he forgives me.
He really shouldn't.
I had a sudden crying fit in his arms, and knew that as wrong as it was, it was what I needed.
Soon I calmed, and he was there comforting me in a way that made me love him more.
This was just so wrong.
I wasn't supposed to love him at all. I loved Charlie. I wasn't supposed to love someone else.
"I know I shouldn't be here, but I couldn't just stay home knowing your father died."
I sniffled.
"I can't believe it, Diana."
I forced a smile, resting my cheek on his chest. "I can't either."
He let a silence pass.
"Are you with the other guy?"
A knife twisted inside of me.
I pulled away, but he held my arms still, gently. "Andy," I groaned. "We can't talk about this..."
"I want to know. You can't be alone at this time. Whether you believe it or not, you need to be loved and held. Since I can't do that-" His throat seemed to close up again as he choked on his words, and I shushed him, shaking my head with more tears wanting to spill.
"Please, Andy." I begged in a hoarse whisper.
He touched my lips with gentle fingers, "Is he good to you?"
I began to cry again, and he hugged me once more in apology. "Does he love you?"
I silently sobbed, but nodded, feeling his arms tighten. "Good." He choked out, and his tears wet my hair.
When we knew we had to pull away, he returned his hands to himself. I did the same, and missed him immediately. "Who are these people?" He asked, nodded to the closed front door that blocked out the chatters of the strangers in my house.
I sighed in exhaustion, wiping my face. "I honestly don't know myself."
"His family?"
His was my father. Andy knew me as well as my dad. I nodded.
"I'm guessing the service is tomorrow?"
I silently nodded.
He silently thought to himself, and I knew what he was thinking, so I sighed deeply. "Andy-"
"I know, I know." He said softly, looking down. "I wouldn't be able to go anyway. I have a meeting in Berlin."
I sighed again. Sweet reminders of his soothing flights replayed in my selfish mind. I resisted the urge to hug him. "I wish I could be there." He told me in honesty, eyes bravely meeting mine again.
The door opened from behind me and I turned, seeing Charlie look at me to Andy with furrowed brows. His eyes met mine as I felt the heat surround me. "You should come inside."
I can't leave things like this.
"In a second." I said to him, seeing him look unhappy. He stood there at the threshold, and I felt irritation at his perfect presence.
"Now." He said.
"Hold on." I said sternly, and his temper rose.
"Come inside." He repeated lowly.
"Charlie," I scolded quietly in surprise at his attitude. "Will you hold on?" I muttered to him in irritation.
He hesitated, standing and eyeing Andy. Then looking at me with unhappy eyes, he went inside.
"That was him." Andy suddenly said.
I stared back at him. He got that quick.
"Isn't he that teacher from your school?"
I blushed furiously and had to look away. Andy rubbed his head in uncomfort. "Oh."
Silence.
"Well he seems protective over you." He said, always thinking on the positive side. I knew I couldn't throw my arms around him like I wanted to.
He ignored the feeling and held my face. "I want you to tell me..." he began. "Does he make you feel loved?"
Oh yes.
I didn't want to answer. Andy made me feel loved. So loved. I hated the comparison. I couldn't stand hurting them, and loving both. Or them loving me. I loved them for loving me, but did I deserve it?
You certainly do not deserve it the slightest.
"Diana," He woke me. "I want to hear you say it."
"He makes me feel loved." I said sadly.
He lifted my chin, meeting my eyes. His eyes were so soft, so sweet, so understanding. He gave me a painfully sweet smile. "I'm glad he does."
He was so perfect.
"And he makes you happy?"
My lip quivered.
"No, no, no, don't cry, my love. This is a good thing. You deserve to be happy."
I didn't.
"So do you." Was all I could choke out.
He sighed, brushing through my hair. "I'd give my life for your happiness."
Too damn extreme but so damn perfect.
"I need to know one more thing." He softly said, and I reached to hold the hand that he had placed on my cheek. "Were you happy with me?"
I held my breath, trying to keep my beating heart under control.
"Did I make you happy?"
I squeazed his hand in mine, taking in his worried and suspenseful face that was full of concern. I finally broke into a smile. "You made me so happy. More than you'll know."
He finally smiled as well, relief showered over his saddened eyes. He embraced me again, but I couldn't stand to enjoy it, because I was almost being blinded by flashes that suddenly surrounded he two of us.
"God dammit." He cursed in anger, taking a hold of my hand, "Come on, inside, inside." He rushed, and I opened the door as the people called Andy's name, shouting, questioning.
I shut the door and the guests in the house worriedly peaked through windows to see what the commotion was coming from.
"Dammit, Andy." Toby snapped. "I told you not to come." He groaned.
Of all the times Andy and I remained safe from photographers, of all the days... this one inparticular they just had to come by. Especially when he was supposed to be with someone else.
"Where the hell is your ring?" Toby demanded, and I was taken back by his tone towards his brother.
"Toby." Andy calmly said, but in a warning tone. "Stop talking to me like that." He smoothely demanded, serious-Andy taking over. I didn't really like serious Andy.
Toby shut up, and Andy relectantly dug out his ring from his back pocket. He only held it, then looked at me.
I sighed, "Just put it on, Andy."
He did, looking shamed.
The door was pounded on, and the house went restless. "We need to leave." Toby sighed, embracing me. "I'm sorry for your loss." He said in meaning.
I nodded and thanked him quietly.
Andy stood, staring at me. I saw the way he wanted to reach out as I did, but he didn't out of respect for Charlie, seeing he was in the same house. I wanted to hug him terribly.
Instead, he leaned down and kissed my cheek, and whispered in my ear with his sweet voice, "You made me happy as well. The happiest I've ever been. I love you." Then he pulled away, his fingers gently brushing through my hair as he pulled back and walked to my front door.
I knew then for sure that it would be the last time I'd talk to him. "Andy." I called just before he left, not caring that the entire house was watching. "You too." I loved him, too.
He smiled for me. A happy and sad smile, and then he was gone.
I wanted to collapse in sorrow, but instead escaped up the stairs.
Because that was the last time I spoke to Andy Carl.
...
My door opened while I sat on the floor, knees to chest against my bed, picking at my nails and replaying every painful thing that's happened in my life. I was being ridiculous.
"You've been up here for hours." Chris said.
I only nodded.
Before knew it the things on my desk were thrown off by him, his sudden livid expression taking me by pure surprise. "Cut this shit out, Diana." He suddenly shouted, making me jump.
Has he ever yelled at me before?
The answer was no.
"I'm sad, too! But that doesn't give you the right to tear up that man's feelings and then come in here feeling bad about yourself." He bellowed, "You did this to yourself, stop being so damn selfish."
I stood, confusion clouding over me. Chris looked different. He looked terrified, not angry. His shouting didn't exactly seem directed towards me like he tried to make it. I had a feeling he was needing to release the emotion inside of him, but didn't know how. I waited for him to continue.
"I thought you were better than this, Diana. I thought you were nice," he shouted, loud and out of control. "You're terrible, you know that?" His shouting turned shakey, and he threw down my chair, making a very loud thud that echoed throughout the almost emptied house. "You're terribly terrible." He barked, and I saw him weaken and wrapped my arms around him, hugging him tightly as he began to sob. He wasn't crying because he hated me, he didn't even know half the things he was saying, he was crying for my father. Finally letting it out and he miserably cried out in pain and hugged me tighter.
My door cracked open and I saw Bailey, Austin, and Charlie in the hallway, looking worriedly.
They turned confused when seeing my other brother crying in my arms, and stood there as I waved them off. Chris didn't notice as he sobbed.
...
I jumped at the sound of my ringing phone and reached over the nightstand to answer it. I had already been awake in my room. Eyes used to the pitch black darkness and the house already emptied completely at three in the morning. "Hello?" I answered.
"Sorry, were you asleep?" Charlie asked.
"Not really." I answered honestly, picking at my comforters boredly.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"Laying down. Thinking."
He was quiet for a little while. "What are you doing?" I asked him back.
"Can you come over?" He suddenly asked, sounding sweet and vulnerable, desperate.
I closed my eyes and suddenly felt relief. I would sleep tonight. Not, alone.
"Yes." I was already up, getting my things together and rushing out to my jeep, telling him I'd be over there soon and hung up.
I was there in less than five minutes. It was empty, so of course I made it there in short time.
I opened the door, seeing him sitting on the couch boredly, the television off and him looking terribly tired.
He jumped up when seeing me, rushing over and hugging me so tightly my feet left the ground in his arms. I hugged him back.
"I miss you." He said lowly.
Miss. That's present tense.
"I miss you too." I told him back when he set me down and kissed me longingly.
He switched off the lights and we layed together in bed.
I don't know why it was such a weak day for me, and I remembered everything. I started to cry as he stroked my hair.
He pulled me close. "Oh, baby," he sighed and shushed me. "Sweetheart, it'll be okay." He promised, and he was right. I just really hurt.
"Everything hurts, Charlie." I sobbed.
His fingers made light circles on my back and arms, making me shiver.
"I know." He consoled. "I'm sorry."
I felt I owed him an apology as well. One for seeing Andy. One for crying. One for hugging Andy, and another one for loving him. I'm sure he sensed it, too, because he said, "What did you talk about?"
He obviously meant me and Andy.
I buried my face in his chest, smelling his shirt and taking in the warm familiarity. He always smelled so good.
"Tell me." He said softly.
"You."
"What about me?"
I held my breath, not wanting to speak. Charlie pulled me back and instead brought our bodies together so he could look at me. I wiped my face. "What about me?" He repeated softly, and he really impressed me then. This man used to be so impatient. Now he was waiting so calmly, so sweetly. He used to hate me. Now he loved me.
"He asked if you love me. And if you make me happy."
His brows furrowed lightly. "What did you say?"
I suddenly laughed and pressed my forehead to his. "What do you think I said?"
He gave me a flat look, but I could tell he wanted to smile.
I laughed again, quieter this time, "I told him yes."
"Yes?"
"Yes, you love me. Yes, you make me happy. Yes, you're good to me."
"Is that it?"
No.
"Diana." He slowly said, a knowing tone.
I released him from my hold and just snuggled beside him. "He asked if he made me happy when we were together. And he told me he was glad that you make me happy. And that he loves me."
He was silent for a while.
"Say something." I sighed.
"I don't understand." Was his choice of words.
I looked up at him in question.
He brushed my hair back and met my eyes. Those warm and cozy coffee orbs made me so intent. They made me sleepy. They made me happy. "I just... I don't understand." He repeated dumbly, and I saw then that he indeed, did not understand. I don't know what, but he looked incredibly confused. "Why- why... Why not him?"
Now I was the one who didn't understand.
"Why me? He's... he's everything. Rich, charming, caring, nice, such a fucking good sport. He would make his world revolve around you if you wanted, Diana. He even has the ability. Why not him?"
A good sport. That was accurate as hell. But why not Andy? He loved me, that was why I was going to be with him. Because I loved him as well, but... Why not Andy?
I looked up back in his eyes. He seemed to have some sudden worry in them, and I saw he was probably thinking he was giving me all these suggestions to why I should be with Andy, but I wasn't thinking twice on being with the man I was laying beside. "I love you." I simply said, but had to bow my head in shame when saying, "I mean, I love him, too..." I took his hands. "But you're the one I want to be with. I love you more than anyone else, and you know that. I've told you before, I don't care about Andy's title or money. Why you? Charlie, because you're the only one I constantly think about, you're the one I get scared would start thinking why Diana?" I admitted in embarrassment. "Why not Claire?" His brows furrowed at the sound of her name, and he looked unpleased.
"Everything about you is better than Claire."
I flushed. "That's not really what I mean..."
"I don't care about her fucking job, Diana. You know, you are twenty times smarter than Claire. Trust me, I know."
I didn't really know what to say.
"Other than you being so fucking weird for choosing me over a handsome millionare," I laughed, "You're perfect. You don't care about how I don't have a lot of money-"
"I'm not perfect." I laughed again. "You're the one who told me perfection was impossible, remember?"
He smiled sweetly, "That was before I knew you." He reached down and dragged his hand up my leg lightly. "You're beautiful."
I suddenly needed more.
"What about me is beautiful?" I whispered in embarrassment, and he seemed to understand.
"Your smile, your eyes." He kissed my nose, "That cute nose of yours. Your skin." He kissed down my neck, "Your shoulder dimples," I smiled, feeling his familiar lips on my shoulders. "Your chest," We pulled off my shirt, and he stared down at me. "Your soft belly." His kisses traveled down and tugged at my shorts. "Your hips, your legs-"
I tugged him up to kiss me, and he pulled back. "I'm not finished." He said, his eyes speaking in seriousness. "I love your lips, and how red they turn when I kiss you. And how magically wide your mouth can open," My eyes flew wide in shock and I let out a laugh, ignoring my major blush. "I love when your cheeks turn red." He hovered over me, laying a kiss on each of my cheeks, and I tugged away his shirt afterwards so we were both shirtless. "I love it when your under me." He said in my neck, and my body heated up more at his words. "I love it when you're on top of me." He nibbled at my neck, the part he knew tickled and I giggled like a little girl. "I love being against you," He inhaled slowly, "And around you, and inside you," My face was burning at this point. "I love feeling your legs around me," he dragged my legs up to link around him. "I love hearing you moan." And as if on cue he pressed into me in such a way I let out a moan in comfort. "I love making you moan."
He shed his pants and I felt part of him touching me. I was suddenly desperate for him. "I love you, baby." He growled into my ear as we began to move.
I could only sigh out in response.
...
"Charlie?" I said quietly, trying to nudge him awake.
He didn't move.
"Hey," I softly said, "I have to go."
His eyes opened, and he pulled me into an unbreakable embrace. "I don't want you to go." He said, snuggling into me, his naked self rising as his hands traveled along my body.
"I...have to...oh," I moaned out because of him, and he won at that moment because we had one more condom to dispose for that morning.
We breathed heavily beside eachother. "I need to shower." I was going to get up, but he only tugged me closer.
"Don't leave yet."
"I'm not, I'm not." I showered in his shower while he was laying in bed, still asleep.
When I came out, I jumped onto him with my wet hair and he was startled awake.
"Holy shit." He breathed out as I rolled him on top of me. "Well good morning." He gave me a kiss.
"Sure." I said back.
"Why do you have to go?" He asked with a small frown.
"The service is today, Charlie." I said in a soft sigh. He gave me a look of apology and was about to say something, but that was when his mother came in, knocking on his bedroom door right after she had already entered.
"What the fuck, mom?" He borderline-bellowed.
She held up a familiar key, and I turned him to face me. "You still leave your key under the mat?"
He glared at me. "Idiot." I breathed out, and he detached himself from me, reaching for his boxers while I stood up.
"Hello, Diana."
"Hi, Karla." I said, hating how shy I sounded.
"How are you doing, honey?" She asked genuinely, as if she truly wanted to know my emotional condition. I wasn't sure why she sounded like that, but either way I answered the same.
"I'm fine, how are you?"
"Just fine." She looked at Charlie, who was now half dressed, lazily sitting back and looking unhappy. "I came by because I got something in the mail. For you."
He looked boredly at her as she reached into her purse and took out an envelope. It was half opened. "I was going to read it. I really wanted to, but I realized it wasn't any of my business. But if you're willing to share, that would feed my curiosity."
When she handed it to him, he looked at the address and the name. The name he didn't seem to recognize as well as the address. He then ripped open the envelope and took out a postcard, and it was quite obvious it was from Africa. He seemed to have spotted something-a name I presume. Which is why Karla put her hand on my back and escourted me out of the room with her. "It's best to leave him to himself for this." She whispered.
"Who is it from?" I asked when we were in the living room.
She had a glass of water, took a sip, then held it in her hands. "His father."
The mention of Charlie's dad threw me off. He was one who left, as was I. Me and this man had something common. Only, I came back.
You bitch, he was already paranoid about abandonment before you came along.
The voice in my head snarled.
"You talk to him?"
She kept the same expression."Actually, I don't."
Oh.
"Don't feel bad, honey. And don't you feel bad if Chance doesn't want to share right away, it's only normal."
"Did he send something to Savannah?" I asked, ignoring her last comment. I knew he'd tell me what it said, I was in no rush for him to do so, but I knew he'd tell me after Karla was gone.
"He did. But it didn't say much. He only asked how she was, and that he was doing fine, thinking about her."
There was something in her distant tone that hurt me the way she spoke. There was something that made me want to cry. It was hidden pain, heartbreak. Abandonment. I truly did not want to go through whatever it was this poor woman had to go through. I had to say something. "I'm sorry, Karla." I told her.
She gave me a smile, a real one. It make me feel relieved that she was able to be genuine with her happiness as well as pain. I admired her. "Thank you. I'll be fine." After a beat, "So where are you leaving to?" She asked curiously, seeing I had grabbed my bag.
"I'm just going home."
"I'll admit in shame that I was eavesdropping," she chuckled uncomfortably. "But I just love hearing my son so happy. Especially when I remember most of his life being sad and angry. I heard you saying you needed to go somewhere."
"A service." I cleared my throat awkwardly.
"What for?"
"My father."
"Oh, is he back?" She asked in interest, and I assumed that her daughter or Charlie told her about my dad.
"He's dead."
I rubbed my wrist uncomfortably, needing to do something with my hands. Her face froze for a second, and I knew she felt the same uncomfort as I did. Luckily that was when Charlie came in, looking deep in thought. He stood in the hallway. "Mom, can I talk to Diana for a second," He asked, focused eyes trained on the ground.
She continued to look at me and nodded.
I looked at him, desperate to hug him, desperate to console him like he did me. I went to him and he scratched his neck, not meeting my eyes as I turned him to face me. "Are you okay?" I asked.
He nodded to his room and I went in, waiting for him. When he came in, he shut the door and leaned against it. Taking a deep breath. I didn't know what would happen.
"Can I hug you?" I asked softly, needing to touch him.
He suddenly smiled, and gave me a nod. "Come here." He said.
A wash of nostalgia hit me, and I felt another burst of love for this man. When he used to growl those words to me before I knew him. When he used to say them to me because he knew what they'd do. I went to him.
I felt his arms wrap around me, and as he leaned down to rest his head in my shoulder. I squeazed him as he shook. Round two of Charlie's tears, and I was beginning to feel what he meant when he said it hurt to see me hurt. I needed to cry, because I hated knowing he was crying as well. I hated it when he hurt.
I brushed through his hair, repeating what I had said before when he was first crying on me. "I'm here, Charlie. I'm here."