"It- it's been so long." He spoke.
"It has." I replied quietly, the situation overwhelming me greatly.
"I apologize for Julian, he knows better than to run off like that, and to go bothering people." Andy suddenly said, turning me a little cold at his sudden switch from plain to business mode. Was Andy acting business-like... to me? Never in my life had he ever talked to me like that. Not even when we first met. Then I told myself I had to expect that from him, it's been years.
"It's alright, really." I replied quietly, not sure what to say next.
"How is he? Is he hungry? What all did he bring? I don't even know how long he's been gone, I've been out of town and the keeper didn't realize he was gone until yesterday." Towards the end of his speech he seemed a little angry at himself, and I felt the old urge to hang off of him in a hug and tell him he could never do a thing wrong in the world. Phoning Andy, I was brought back to when he was gone off to Japan, and I was alone in my room, trying to go to sleep, and he called. He went on to tell me what his day was, and talked me to sleep. I had never felt so close to that man, and it hurt to think about how he and I were... distant. I never wished for that to happen- but I guess it had to.
"He's fine, he was hungry but I fed him. Um- I'm not sure of everything he brought, but he did pack light."
He sighed on the other end, and then his tone changed, as if his business-mode was too exhausting to hold up with me. "Thank you, Diana. Thank you so much for taking care of him, I- god- I never meant for this to happen."
"It really isn't a problem. He's a sweet boy I'm glad to have met him." I said, again, quietly.
Andy was quiet on the other end, and I felt we both had no idea what to say. Finally he spoke, "Diana?" He said my name so tenderly. The affection... It still existed. The admiration in his voice, the softness, the vulnerability.
"Yes, Andy?" I was still shaking.
"Would you mind me going over there and picking him up?"
My heart raced, and I shook my head, then realized he couldn't see me, so I spoke instead, "No, not at all."
Andy Carl coming to my house after so long?
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure."
"I'm in California right now, so I should be over there early tomorrow."
"Okay." Was all I could say.
And we were quiet again. Then he said in a soft sigh, "How've you been?" His voice was like how I last heard it, soft, caring, and... loving.
I held the phone away and took a deep breath, "I've been good." I swallowed. "What about you?"
"I've been good, busy as always, but good." We were quiet again, but then he spoke again, and my heart was melting quickly after his words. His quiet words, "Diana... could you say my name again?"
My face flushed, my body flushed, I felt warm all over. I couldn't resist bringing my hand to my face and tried to keep my breathing under control. He missed me. Lord how I missed him, too. And how I once hated myself for it, but not anymore. I could no longer try to stop it. Now and then, always, I will miss Andy. But that was okay. Charlie told me that. "Andy," I said.
He sighed, and the phone muffled. I could just picture him rubbing his forehead, covering his eyes, doing something with his hands to his face as if he'd been so tired. "It's just been so long since I've heard your sweet voice."
"Andy, I know we're not allowed to say it anymore... but, you know, right?" I said, feeling stupid.
"Are we on the subject of feelings?"
"You know they haven't changed, right? Just like I told you."
"I... I wasn't sure what you'd feel anymore. That's what I was afraid of."
I sighed, "Andy, I've told you before, they'll never change. They never have." Never will.
"Sweet Diana," he breathed, and I longed to be in this man's arms again, as if nothing had changed. "I'll always love you. You don't know what it does to me to hear you say you will, too."
"I'll always love you, too, Andy." I said softly, quietly, holding in the tears. I didn't cry, because I really didn't want to.
There was a shuffle on his line, and a voice said, "Mr. Carl, you have your online conference in five minutes."
"Cancel it." He said, but softly. As if he could not put on his business mode at the time.
"No, Andy," I said, "It's fine, really. Go have your meeting, Julian and I aren't going anywhere." I said.
Andy sighed on the other end. "I can't believe I'm talking to you, if I hang up it's like it never happened. I want it to happen."
"It's happening," I laughed lightly, loving hearing that familiar child in him. Andy Carl was almost forty, and he was still acting like a child in front of me. I thought there had been a drastic- painful change in the beginning of our conversation, but now I know nothing's changed. Sure, he fell in love with his wife- that's supposed to happen- and he had a child, that was inevitable, too. But I knew- as for me- he always would have a special place for me in his heart. No matter how much has changed. Our feelings wouldn't.
"Now I remember that laugh." He spoke sweetly. "That's always been my favorite sound."
"You're an idiot."
I said quietly, and he laughed as well.
"I love you, too, Diana." He whispered knowingly, and we hung up.
I walked back to Julian, and gave him his phone. Julian only stared at me. "Do you want to borrow that book?" I said, nodding over to the Stephen King book by his side.
"Oh, yes please- if you don't mind."
I smiled. "Take it, I don't mind." I sat on the couch beside him. "So your dad is coming tomorrow to pick you up."
"So I can stay here?"
I chuckled, "Yeah, you're gonna have to. We have a guest room in the back you can stay in."
"We?"
"My boyfriend also lives here."
Julian went quiet, staring at the coffee table in wonder. "Can I ask why you and my dad... broke up?"
Oh nooo.
"I don't know if your dad would like me telling the story...-"
"I won't tell him, please, I just really want to know about you two."
I breathed out. "Okay. Well, I uh- I was very... indecisive as a teenager. Your father and I always had, like, some connection, I guess. But when I was with your dad... I was," My face was probably so red, "I was also with someone else."
Julian said nothing, just watched and listened.
"This guy that I was with... I loved him, and I thought he didn't love me so I broke up with him. Then, as I came to realize that I loved your dad, too, he told me he loved me. So I was with your dad for a while. Julian, do you know how your mom and dad got together?"
"Mom always told me they didn't love each other at first, because they had an arranged marriage. Then she said they fell in love when they decided to have me."
I sighed in relief, I wouldn't have to say anything to hurt this kid, at least. "Well, I didn't know about the marriage, so when I did, I told your dad it was best for him, and he knew it was, too."
"Then you got with the other guy."
"Not yet." I said. "But that's another story. What I just told you was how Andy and I ended things."
"So... dad was okay with it?"
I sighed, "We argued on it at first, but eventually he knew it was the best."
Julian stared at me again, then out of nowhere he gave me a hug. A tight one, one that said thank you. Because maybe if I had decided to stay with Andy, maybe Julian wouldn't have been born. Andy still would have been rich, but now he was even more so as he and his wife managed two busy and booming companies.
I hugged the kid back.
Letting go, he opened up the shoe box again, and asked me to tell him the story of each picture, of each ticket, and of each little letter or note or scribbled napkin that was in the box. Andy even had my perfume in there, and it made me laugh, because I still wore the same kind.
I told, him about the day he surprised me with helping me make cupcakes, and bringing over Toby. Julian asked how I knew Toby and I told him I knew Toby before I knew Andy. Then Toby began to dislike me, because I was no longer with his brother, and because my bestfriend hurt his feelings.
"How is your Uncle Toby doing, anyway?"
"He's good, I think he's engaged."
I smiled. "Good for him."
"Yeah, he stopped talking about you when my dad threatened to keep him out of the house. He never said very nice things about you; dad couldn't stand it."
I smiled. "Yeah, he was like that to my face, too."
"But you're so much better than I thought you would be. You're nice. Uncle Toby never said that."
I told him about when he went off to Japan after I told him I was unfaithful, and how he was still the sweetest man I knew, and didn't hate me for it.
I told him about that time at Del Frisco's where we waited for our food and played hangman. I told him about our last good bye. I told him about our trips out of the country. I told him about everything he asked, keeping it rated PG, of course. And we laughed, sometimes I teared up, but Julian never rushed me, only asked his questions and looked totally understanding when I had to pause. He'd grown so comfortable with me when I told him stories, he leaned on me as I spoke to him.
Eventually, I allowed him to read the book, and he got really into it. I worked on my projects for the book company I worked for.
Charlie came home.
"Hey." I said, and he embraced me tightly, like always, kissing my cheek, then my lips with so much love.
"Hey, is he still here?" Was the first thing he asked.
"Yeah, he's sitting on the couch, reading a book."
Charlie walked in with me, and Julian looked up. "Hello, sir." Julian said, standing to shake Charlie's hand. I saw his father in him so much. "I'm Julian."
"Nice to meet you, Julian. I'm Chance."
"Julian's gonna stay the night with us." I told him.
Charlie just nodded, and he seemed okay with it. "How was your trip?" He asked the kid.
Julian nodded. "It was okay. I ordered my own plane tickets for the first time. I almost got on the wrong plane a couple times."
Charlie actually smiled. "You're a brave kid."
Coming from Charlie, I was surprised, and also couldn't help but admire him greatly. Charlie praising Andy Carl's son? It made Julian smile, and I told him that he could go back to his book as I pulled Charlie away to talk to him.
"Charlie," I began with a sigh, setting my hand on his firm chest. "Andy is coming tomorrow to pick Julian up."
"Coming here?"
I nodded, and he took a deep breath, drawing me close and pressing his lips to my head. "I'm not sure the exact time, but he said early-"
"You talked to him?" Charlie asked in surprise, and I felt a pang of guilt. A guilt of having betrayed Charlie once more by sharing my love with another man- with the man who first made love to me, the man who was so many firsts for me.
"I told Julian to call him to tell him that he was safe, and he wanted to talk to me."
Charlie released me, running his hands through my hair, staring into my eyes. "I love you, Diana." He said as if needing reassurance.
I tugged his head down to press my forehead to his, "I love you, too, Charlie." We kissed. "So much."
We had dinner together, the three of us, and Charlie and Julian got along surprisingly well. We watched a movie afterwards, and I showed Julian to his room when it got late. I tucked him in, as if it felt normal. "You need anything?"
"No thank you. I'm good."
I released a breath. "Alright. You're dad is coming tomorrow, but not til later. What do you like to eat in the morning?"
His handsome young face gave me a smile. "I like anything."
"Okay, well Charlie's favorite thing in the morning is blueberry pancakes. Is that okay?"
"That's great."
"Goodnight, Julian."
I stood about to walk out when he called, "Diana?"
I looked at him. "What's up."
"Thank you so much for being so nice to me."
"Of course."
"And thank you for telling me stories about you and my dad."
"No problem, bud. Thank you for wanting to meet me."
We shared a smile, and he sunk deeper into the bed, and I left the boy sleeping. Seeing Charlie standing there and looking uncertainly at himself in the mirror. I jumped into him, hearing him grunt. "Dammit, Diana, I'm old now, you can't do that anymore."
I pulled us onto the bed and he hovered over me. I gave him a kiss. "You're not old, dumby."
"Yes I am. I'm not like you, I'm not active and young and beautiful."
I tilted my head at him, running my hands through his hair. I didn't say anything as I attempted to figure something to say to make him feel better.
"Baby," he began thoughtfully, "Am I getting grays?"
I stared at him for a second, then wrapped my legs around him and hugged him tight. "Oh I love you so much, Charlie. I wish you knew." I laughed as his hands traveled all over me.
"I asked you a question." he said bluntly, but I knew he was trying not to laugh along with me.
"You're such a grump." I told him.
He held my eyes for a while and kissed my nose. "But I'm your grump." then he kissed my forehead. "And I'm in love with you."
He's said it so many times. But it was always the way he said it that made me feel like it was the first time all over again. And I always went crazy with these butterflies he still gave me. It was funny. All these years with living with him, and every night he told me he loved me. And every time he did it left me heated all over. It left me feeling like a teenager.
"Charlie, you're dumb." I simply said.
He pulled me closer, and we layed together in each others arms. It was so warm. It was so comfortable. "I love you." I said quietly. We went to sleep.
...
"It had to be you." I sang awfully, raising up the volume of the speakers in our kitchen while Julian sang with me, and Charlie just stood there glaring at me.
I flipped some pancakes and sang louder, hearing as Julian laughed brightly. "You're a terrible singer, you know." Charlie told me, crossing his arms as he leaned against the bar.
Julian drank his orange juice.
"How good are you?" Julian challenged jokingly, and Charlie raised an eyebrow.
"He's worse." I said to him, and Charlie agreed, but still sang along with me.
"And even be glad, just to be sad. Thinking of you," We sang Frank Sinatra together, terrible and off key. Julian's laughter filled the apartment. We finished with Charlie in my face singing this beautiful song in horrible voices.
When we were done being goofy, Julian asked how we had met, and Charlie and I shared a look of discomfort and I laughed, watching as his ears tinted pink again. I wasn't exactly sure if I should tell him, but I did anyway. I didn't go into too much detail, but I was very embarrassed when telling him. Charlie was too.
"So... So, he was- you were- you two- what?" he asked in confusion, but I stopped him and explained aloud.
"Yeah, he was my teacher."
Julian simply sat there and said, "I've never heard of that before."
"Yeah it's not allowed." Charlie muttered lowly, rubbing his jaw uncomfortably.
"Then why'd you still do it?" Julian asked in genuine question. I didn't know how answer that question- but Charlie did.
"I was in love with her. I didn't care about anything. I still don't." He drank his water quietly after that and I looked at him. He avoided my eyes, after just saying he didn't care about anything but being with me. I felt the same way.
Julian nodded. "I guess it's not that bad then."
He really sounded so casual about it all. Not at all affected by Charlie and I's coming together. Not judgemental. But he was, after all, Andy Carl's son. And Andy was the least judgemental person I've ever met.
Julian gave us a smile. "I'm happy for you two."
I smiled back at him, and the morning went on.
Julian was reading in the living room while Charlie was getting out of the shower and changing in our room when there was a knock on our door. My heart skipped. I was so nervous, wasn't that ridiculous? Nervous to see someone I had once loved when I had someone else. No, I still loved him.
I walked over, opening the door and seeing that handsome aged face once more. He hadn't aged too much now. A few grays here and there. Soft laughter lines, and tiny crinkles next to his eyes. He still looked young. Just not as young. I had expected all his stressful work to age him eventually.
"Hi." I said, and he just stared at me.
I waited for him to respond. He hadn't. "Andy?"
And his trance left, and he stepped forward and hugged me tightly. "Diana, how are you?" he asked with so much emotion and care.
I tightly hugged him back, hearing the way his heart beat raced again. Like mine. He smelled the same.
We pulled away, and I smiled. "Good since the last time I talked to you."
Julian's voice sounded from the living room and echoed into the hall way, "Is that my dad??" and he ran over, stopping in front of Andy and looking a little scared.
Andy looked down at him. "Julian," He spoke authoritatively, and Julian stiffened. "You scared the life out of me, boy." and he embraced his son with so much affection I had to step back and admire it.
They shared a moment, and soon when they released each other Julian apologized and said a little teasingly, "I didn't know could get scared, dad."
Andy just laughed. Charlie stepped out then, and I smiled at him. Andy cleared his throat and shook Charlie's hand, "Chance, right?"
Charlie nodded and took his hand.
"Good to see you again, glad you're keeping Diana happy."
I flushed like a teenager, and Charlie actually smiled a little bit. It was pride, I saw. He looked so sweet and kind, I felt that pit of guilt again for loving someone else. "Always. Glad to see you're doing well also. You have good kid." he said, pointing to Julian.
Andy then smiled a little with pride as well, "He can be." He lightly joked.
Charlie stepped back and touched my back, wanting to speak privately. I excused myself for a second to talk to him. "I'm, uh- I'm gonna head out." he told me.
"Why?"
"Because- I." He released a breath. "I think you need to have some time with him alone."
My eyes widened. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Charlie, no, I don't want you leave." I told him.
Andy must've heard, because he stepped out and jumped in. "Really, Chance, I didn't mean to intrude, we're leaving anyway."
"No, really," He looked at Andy when speaking, but then at me. "I'm gonna go Austin's house anyway. I'll be back later." then he looked at Andy. "Have good one, Andy." then Julian, "You too, kiddo." And then kissing my cheek he escaped the apartment after Julian gave him a high five.
"I'm sorry Diana, he didn't have to leave."
"No it'll be okay." I assured Andy.
Julian went back to read his book, while Andy and I stood there and stared at each other. He brushed back my hair. "You're even more beautiful than remember." He said.
I took his hand and smiled. "You're getting old, Andy." making him laugh.
"I am old, Diana. But you don't look like you've aged at all." he said, which was untrue. I was getting lines under my eyes now. And veins on my legs. I was getting pretty old.
"That's not true. Soon I'll get grays."
"Like me?"
I laughed, too happy for words, and embraced him tightly. "I'm really glad you're happy." I said to him.
He moved back and held my face. "I was going to say the same thing to you."
Our affection never became too strong, and we talked over coffee. He told me about his work and I told him about mine, then we talked about our family and our relationship. Things were different now- they weren't hard to hear. They were comforting, assuring. We laughed, we teared up, we held hands, we were in love all over again. And it felt good, because this was the best kind of closure to get. This was our official goodbye.
When the third hour passed, we knew he had to go. We reluctantly rose from our seats, and locked eyes.
"I should go."He said.
I nodded.
"It's been a dream come true seeing again." he told me.
"Even more for me." I told him.
His smile hurt my heart, and when his eyes lit up in reminder I watched as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a box. He opened it in front of me and I laughed. It was the necklace he had gotten for me all those years ago. I had given it back.
"It never belonged me." He said sweetly.
"Andy-"
"I don't care if you won't wear it. I just need you to have it. It was only meant for you."
I waited- not sure what for- but when the moment passed, I took it from him.
"Thank you, Andy." I had tears in my eyes.
He hugged me, taking a deep breath, and when we looked at each other we shared a small, secretive smile. One that would seal the rest our relationship. We were done. This is the end. We would love each other forever, and this was the last of our memories until who-knows-when. Most likely never, and that was okay.
"I'm glad you're happy."
"Same to you," we whispered.
"Julian, we're leaving."
Julian came out with the book I gave him, and hugged me. "Thank you for everything. It was really nice meeting you."
"It was nice meeting you too."
Julian took his backpack and Andy's eyebrows crossed slightly. "I almost forgot," He said. "I never got to pay respects to your father. Could you tell me where he was buried? If you don't mind, of course." Andy said kindly. "I have to thank the man who made you so happy."
He had then fed my every feeling of love that I had for him, and I was so touched. "He's buried in Hilltop Cemetery. Near Carrollton." Then he turned and put an arm around Julian.
We didn't say goodbye. We would never say goodbye.
He left while the sun was up high.
...
"Hello?" Charlie's voice answered the phone.
I was laying on the couch in the living room, reading a book.
"Hey. Andy and Julian left a while ago, when are you coming home?"
"Whenever you want."
"Well I didn't want you to leave in the first place." I sighed.
He released a breath on the other line. "I know, baby, I'm sorry. I just couldn't take being around him and I called the guys and they got mad."
"Mad about what?"
"They were just mad that he was there. But I understand. I'm coming home now."
"Charlie you really didn't have to leave."
"I know, Diana, but you love him. I get that now, but I felt you needed some time alone."
"I love you more."
He chuckled. "I know that too."
"Come home quick." I rushed him. "I miss you."
He laughed on the other line, "I've been gone for five hours."
"Exactly. You've been gone."
"I'll be there soon, sweetheart. I love you."
When he came home, he surprised me with daisies. "I know you probably had an emotional day." he said. "I'm sorry for leaving."
I took the daisies and put them on the counter, then jumping into him and hearing him groan, I kissed him repetitively, wanting only for us to be couped up in his bed for hours and forget about the rest of humanity. He kissed me back, but then released me and said, "But flowers need water-"
"Shut up, Charlie," I told him and he laughed, taking me back to our bedroom.
We had closed all the windows like we usually did, and it was so dark in our room, but cool, and warm at the same time. We made love and he held me close. Then rising, he left me in bed, coming back a moment later with my flowers in a vase and setting them on the dresser in our room.
"They need light." I said.
"What light?"
"Sunlight dummy. To stay alive."
He shrugged. "They have you." and he plopped down next to me.
I turned warm under his deep stare and kind words. And he whispered, "I'm so lucky I get to be with you."
...
It was a party at his mothers house, and my brothers were there with their families. It always made me emotional. It always got to me, because this was exactly what I wanted when I was younger. I wanted family parties, happiness, laughter. I wanted that familiar homey feeling when stepping into his mother's house. I was a part of their family now, and I loved every second of it.
"Aunt Ana," My niece Lily called. She was almost fifteen, and she was still hanging off me like a baby. "I've missed you." she squeezed me tight and I squeezed her back.
In that moment she was lifted off the floor and I watched as Charlie spun her around. "Uncle Charlie I'm too big!" she giggled.
"You are," he said, setting her down, "And I'm too old."
She laughed, kissing me on the cheek and escaping elsewhere. Karla saw me and kidnapped me immediately, and we talked like we usually do of books and work and how things have been going. She was like my mother now. It as exactly what I wanted.
When it got later I found my brothers, James, Tyler, and Charlie in the backyard completely drunk and pushing each other in the pool. I laughed at them immediately. "You're all grown men and still playing like children." I called to them, and Charlie swam up near me.
"Baby, wanna help me out?" He reached his hand up toward me and I shook my head.
"I'm not an idiot, I know what you're doing."
He got out just then, the playfulness taking over in is warm coffee eyes, and wrapped his arms around me tightly, getting me soaked with pool water. I groaned in disgust, trying to shove him away from me but he held me closer. The heat of the night warmed me through the fire place Karla had set up behind her house. Her entire family was laughing at the guys. They laughed, too.
"Let go, Charlie." I couldn't help but laugh while his lips kissed all over my face.
"No, Diana." He said. And that's when I realized he wasn't drunk. We were surrounded by his family- which we now shared, and Charlie was completely sober. "No, I will never let go of you." he kissed my lips, boldly, sweetly. I melted while he spoke with hands touching my face. Words that I knew were true.
"Never."