Once Eliyas finished talking about his struggle of living as a "restrained male" with his wife I had no comment to make, it was inappropriate to praise him for being so professional in this aspect to the point where I had started to question my womanhood, and it was inappropriate as well to say:
" keep the good work! You were doing just excellent! I can't promise you though to make things easier for you because this woman will remain tempting even wearing a large hijab!"
So I ended up spending a long time trying to suppress my laughter and unexplainable joy just to say in the end:
_"oh.. I see"
I headed towards the kitchen to cook right after I said this short sentence leaving Eliyas staring at me dumbfounded, I had the widest grin on my face the moment I gave him my back, needless to say it, this attractive woman - of course I mean me- had suddenly gained back her appetite and energy, and decided to lead the life of a healthy eating person.
I opened the fridge to see what I should make, unlike the poor view I used to see in the past .. My current fridge was full of all sorts of vegetables, cheese, sauces .. You name it. Of course it wasn't me who bought all of this, it was the victim of this attractive woman namely Eliyas who did, although I didn't cook for days.. Yet the fridge was constantly filled and what was expired or rotten was constantly cleaned. Speaking about this, I almost swear that some secret housekeeper is actually coming to the house in the time when I go to work, this housekeeper must be doing her job so professionally that when I come back home I find it just the way I left it, still the furniture is magically industed, the floor is magically clean and shining and the glass of the windows as transparent as the air.
The fridge too.. It's always filled and cleaned although I never witnessed that man walking inside the house holding a bag of groceries.
Being on the receiving end with lots of benefits, I decided to play the role of a naive oblivious girl who can't even make the difference between kiwi and potatoes, therefore I never commented on the matter.
I was in the mood to sing in the kitchen, somehow the woman inside me got an euphoric boost to her ego, I barely finished taking out the milk from the fridge when Eliyas followed me inside the kitchen and said in a rather displeased way:
_"Noursine! How can you just walk away when we haven't finished talking yet!"
I looked at him feeling very pleased in contrast with his bad mood and I said:
_" do I need to remind you that I haven't eaten anything since yesterday?.. I'm starving.. The brain needs energy to work too, so how do you expect me to have a serious discussion while starving? We eat first and talk later"
_" at least dry your hair first, you cook lunch later before essalat ( the prayer), Let's just order something for now and finish talking."
His line of thinking and acting was very appeasing to me that day, Since that man rarely gives me such vibe in which I feel treasured, admired.. And desired, I felt so overwhelmed with emotions.
I suddenly was reminded of those catastrophe movies where the whole world is literally falling apart and coming to an end yet your main leads are still very idle as to find time for hugs and kisses, if the one should learn one tip from that dramatic exacerbation then it is that the one should give up to the rush of his feelings before it's too late.
I was this kind of women who followed the wit of the moment and showed exactly what's in her heart for a long time, i was so carefree and bold around Eliyas when we married, back then if my article was successfully published I'd kiss him, if my manager praised me I'd go kiss my husband too, one day I opened our room's door.. I ran towards the sofa where he was sitting and working on his laptop, I threw my self on him and I rained his face with kisses, when he asked me what was making me in such a happy mood all at sudden I replied:
_" i just met your mother downstairs, she's having a very bad hair day, she looked very ugly.."
Although my logic seemed very corrupt and nonsensical, he still put aside his laptop and acted naughtily in response.
I always had not a single concern in this world .. No matter how hard things were in that villa i'd stroll around that man freely and act sincere.
And one day, all that about me just disappeared.. And now I want that back, Therefore, encouraged by the happiness of the moment, I decided to ignore the whole world for a bit and just follow my heart again.. And my heart just wanted to kiss that man.
So I did it..
For the second time ..
I was the shameless to start a kiss.
I followed the usual, I stepped closer to him.. Stood on the tips of my toes.. Circled his neck with my arms and I pecked his lips.
But my post reaction was very different from the first time.. I didn't let go of his neck, I didn't push him away.. I grinned widely while looking at his confused face, then I said:
_" are you satisfied now?"
_"No" he whispered.
Without hesitating not even for a second he lifted me up like I had no weight, put me on the kitchen counter and he pressed his lips against mine with passion.
Eliyas's kiss was not a peck .. Was not innocent, And was not something that he regretted.
It was so passionate as if he'd only get one chance in his lifetime to kiss a woman .. And that was it .. At that moment.
That familiar feeling of being tangled with him started to overwhelm all what was inside me.. The familiar twists of our tongues and the way his lips sought mine as if he found a treasure.. His familiar way of backing my neck with one hand and bringing my whole even closer to his .. To almost colliding with his other hand on my back.
I missed Eliyas in this way too.. So much that I held him so close to me fearing he'd back away or that his desire would fade.
What was different from the past though.. Was that somehow .. His kisses and his strength were not lacking emotions like they used to before, I could feel with every tiny movement he made that he was shouting : "get back with me.. I will be different this time".
I didn't try to resist him nor I thought of that.. I kissed him back with all the burning yearning that I kept for so long, my hands moved under his shirt and started touching his solid body.. To feel his warmth and strength, I wanted all of him so bad.
As if my lips were not enough to satisfy his desire.. His kisses and bites soon invaded my neck and shoulders, But when his hands started wondering under my shirt and trying to take off my clothes, it was like a moment of wake up.
Like I was high on a rollercoaster and then I dropped all at sudden.
I didn't want us to go further.. So I withdrew my hands and held his to stop them from touching me, noticing my resistance Eliyas stopped his kisses and reluctantly withdrew him self, I leaned my head on his shoulder gasping for air.. He kissed my head gently while I was doing that.. And then he whispered while panting:
_" i'll wait Noursine.. Until you're ready"
Hearing that, a small part of me wanted to shout :" who said i'll ever be ready! Today was just an exception.. I still want a divorce!"
But the major part of me still wondered: "do i really still want to get a divorce?"
_"Eliyas" i called his name whispering.
_"hmm"
_" this doesn't mean that we're back.. I don't want you to misunderstand."
He suddenly put his hand gently on my chin, raised my face to look at his as if he needed to look inside my eyes to speak with me, he said:
_"i know that Noursine, but this isn't nothing as well.. Is it?"
I shook my head, so he smiled widely and then he pecked my forehead gently.
He lifted me from my waist to put me back on the floor as if I was a little baby, and then he ordered like his bossy usual self:
_" you dry your hair before you catch a cold, I'll go have a shower so quick and we'll eat together when I finish"
I nodded, On my way to my room I heard his phone ringing again, he took the call in the balcony so I naturally didn't feel curious about it.
In the end I didn't cook at all that day, the reason for that being simple: I was just lazy.
As for Nadir's issue, I let Eliyas take care of that as well, I did not want to get involved with my mother in any way again, Even if this urgent matter of his was my mother lying on her death bed and asking desperately to see me I wouldn't care.. even if this matter was attending her funeral I wouldn't care, only allah knows how much I was forgiving towards this woman for long years, but ever since she dared to shamelessly say that her decision of leaving me was correct she was no longer a mother to me, just a stranger.
That night Eliyas just came to my room when it was time to sleep, and he squeezed him self under the quilt on my bed. That brat avoided looking at me next.. He just worked on his phone as if his life depended on it, in simple words.. He invited himself to sleep on my bed without my consent.
I casted him a look, then I just gave up, I said sighing:
_" just bring your laptop and work on it, it's torture even to me to see you working on your phone"
_" thank you" he smiled.
I left the lights on by courtesy and I lied beside him and started using my phone as well, he didn't leave the bed to go bring his laptop ultimately, he put his phone aside as well.. And he did something very strange, under the bright neon light Eliyas just turned to my side and kept staring at me.
One minute .. Two minutes.. Three..
I was constantly checking the time on my phone while trying to pretend that I didn't notice him.
At some moment I lost my patience and I asked:
_"why are you looking at me?"
_"because i missed you"
He replied bluntly to my surprise.
In case you think this is an average thing to hear from him then you're totally mistaken, that man led a life of a strict emotionless person before.. I had to do extreme procedures such as faking sleep just to hear him saying something he wouldn't dare to utter in my wake!
Although I heard him saying it before, I still was extremely surprised to hear that again.. In my wake! I turned to look at him with a confused face.
He only kept staring at me innocently as if he didn't say anything, yet he continued:
_" After you left I always wondered why I failed to say such words when I had you although I felt them, at that time I smugly thought you'd naturally know things.. You'd naturally trust me.. And you'd naturally forgive me, but I was wrong.. I understood how silence can be hurting and misleading only when I lived with the silent you."
I put my phone aside.. And I didn't know what to say, I couldn't look at him as well because it hurts to hear him speak like this.
You see, back when Eliyas tried to force him self into my life although I didn't want him I was harsh with him, during my recovery and even in that month and so of living together after that I blamed him silently for everything, I had considered him as my ultimate enemy in silence, maybe if I yelled and threw tantrums he would have known better that he should just give up and go, instead I gave him silence as a punishment.. And the constant ignoring, so he didn't know what to do.
He even lost his patient temper one night and he desperately begged:
_" speak to me Noursine.. please speak to me, blame me.. Or yell like you used to, because I don't know you anymore."
Actually.. thinking about it again, why haven't I ever tried to see things from Eliyas's perspective before? .. The me who always spoke her mind like a chatter box suddenly stopped speaking with him, why haven't I guessed that a straight minded person such as Eliyas simply had absolutely no idea what I was thinking about? I simply remained silent.. I haven't said not a single word to him for a whole two months, then One day I just disappeared without a notice when he thought I was just going to the doctor, wasn't it confusing to him?
After that, we lived together for a whole month and so.. Still I never spoke to him not even for the trivial daily stuff, then one day I stood in front of him pointing a knife to my neck and threatening to kill my self in front of him. Wasn't he genuinely shocked?
Now I wonder, when his face turned ghostly pale seeing me attempting suicide, and he asked:
_" is it that hard to stay with me?"
Was he asking that because he genuinely had no idea?
That stupid man, he really left me for real that day when I replied:
_"yes.. Seeing you is torture, I just want you out of my life.."
So that man just stupidly stayed by my side until I told him it was torture for me to see him.. Then he left.
When I thought about this possibility, which meant that I had misunderstood him for so long, my heart hurt loads more..
I'm not a monster, I wouldn't want to treat people cruelly because it's just inhuman and wrong.
_"Noursine" Eliyas called my name sleeping beside me on the bed.
I really didn't want to look at him at that moment ..it was hard, So I just stared at the ceiling and replied:
_"hmm"
_" I was not brought up in a place where people naturally speak about their feelings.. I thought my actions were enough to show you how important you were to me.. I came to realize very lately that you in fact never saw that __"
He paused for a moment .. Taking a deep breath, he continued:
_"__ that i really.. Really love you."