Chapter 32: 32. To All The Boys I've Loved Before

To All the Boys I've Loved Before is a 2018 American teen romantic comedy film based on Jenny Han's 2014 novel of the same name. The movie follows Lara Jean Lara who writes secret, soul-baring letters to her five crushes, but never meant to send them. When her secret love letters somehow get mailed to each of her five crushes, Lara Jean finds her quiet high school existence turned upside down. [Source: Wikipedia, IMDb, Netflix]

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Fact: Emily had only ever loved one boy.

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Chapter Thirty Two: To All The Boys I've Loved Before

Life goes on, that was what I was telling myself, sitting on my chemistry stool. As soon as Wong came in, there would be a quiz.

I really wished my life were like the books. The protagonists never had to deal with something as insignificant as a chemistry quiz when they were going through a rough time.

The protagonists also didn’t have to sit next to the guy who had rejected them, that one they were also hopelessly in love with, I thought, sliding my eyes sideways to where Nathan Callahan sat, facing the front.

I wanted to hate him so much. But I never could. I knew where he was coming from. I knew what he thought about himself. I wished I could somehow make him see himself.

The past week had been excruciating, sitting beside him almost every day. I remember that one time I accidentally knocked my elbow with him, and he jumped like I had electrocuted him.

Now Nathan sat on his stool like a puppet, stiff and lifeless.

He had gone back to his default settings; moody, detached, unfriendly, alone. But I knew, somewhere beneath those facades, lived the guy whom I had fallen for; kind, sarcastic, charming. Someone who could do better than this, someone who needed to come back to his senses, fast.

My chest started to ache for that guy, that Nathan Callahan. I missed him so terribly that I could feel it in my bones.

He had put up an impenetrable wall that I couldn’t see through. But I wanted so desperately to take it down. I wanted so badly for him to turn to me, smirk, and—

I looked down at my knee. Nathan’s palm was wrapped over it. He was pressing down my foot. I realized why. I had been tapping it unconsciously this whole time.

But he was touching me. My knee. His palm was wrapped over me, and I traveled back in time to my bedroom, to some dreams I had had about his hands, to that time when he hovered over me and almost made me beg, in an instant.

I tried to stop myself. But it was no fucking use because he squeezed my knee.

I felt that shock travel up my body, shooting over from my knee to my thigh, directly to my center. My stomach jumped, and I shuddered. I turned to him sharply.

Nathan was looking down at his own hand on me like it was some foreign artifact, like he had no control over his own limb, like it had a mind of its own.

He blinked, and then blinked again.

Then his eyes met mine. We sat there with his hand on my knee, like there was a bomb between us. Everything turned into a blur, and only his eyes were the focus of my universe, like it always had been. He breathed out shakily, like he was equally affected, and it twisted my heart on itself.

“Sorry,” He whispered.

My eyes burned. My heart ached. My breath seized.

I could feel the sound around us dying. I knew in the back of my mind Wong had walked in, and he was distributing the papers for the quiz.

“W-what for?” I swallowed.

He looked down at my knee.

“Oh,” I said.

When had he gone from jabbing my sides without a warning and giving me tickles, tugging my ponytails and ruffling my hair any chance he got to saying sorry for touching my knee?

My throat hurt.

Wong knocked on our desks, setting down the quiz papers.

We both jerked away at the same time. Nathan removed his hand and shoved it into his pocket just as our teacher walked away.

I felt my skin heat up, the blood rushing to my cheeks, and his handprints still lingering on my knee.

I stared, slack-jawed, at nowhere in particular. Nathan leaned over me, and I realized he was reaching for the quiz.

Right. A quiz. We still had a quiz to take.

He took his paper. He was gripping it too tight. I took my own and then stared at the space labeled Name.

I blinked away my confusion as I remembered what my name was, still feeling the ghost of his hand on my knee.

So much for being strangers.

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It had been raining. It had rained the whole morning.

“Gosh,” Leanna frowned, “It has to rain today. It’s Theo’s birthday.”

“The weather won’t stop because you have a boyfriend now,” Azra said as we headed toward our geography class. I tried to smile.

Leanna bumped into Azra as she rolled her eyes. “I have so much to do.”

I turned to her after taking our seats, “Party planning?”

Leanna narrowed her eyes at me. She paused, and looked outside, and then back at me, “Yup, party planning.”

We stopped talking as our teacher started his lecture. Nathan was sitting in the back row. I knew that even though I hadn’t checked his seat.

The day went on like that, classes after classes, mundane activities, appetite-less lunch, more classes. My friends kept up the conversation for my sake. They made me laugh with their terrible stories. Through all of that, I stared out the windows, looking at the never-ending shower of rain as it kept on pouring steadily.

Then school was finally over. Students were hurrying all around, trying to get to their cars before the rain turned too heavy. I leaned against my locker, calling Leanna.

When she appeared, I almost did a double take. She was pulling Nathan Callahan by the sleeve towards me.

I straightened up. My gaze jumped from her to him. He was looking at the ground, watching his steps. Leanna was beaming. I glared at her.

“Okay,” Leanna stopped in front of me, “I got us a ride.”

“A ride?” I frowned at her.

“Didn’t I tell you we are decorating for Theo and Fletcher’s birthday party?” She said. “And since I’m afraid to drive in the rain, Nathan is giving us a ride.”

Nathan rubbed his neck, avoiding my eyes.

Leanna might be afraid to drive in the rain, but she had driven me to school in the morning. I narrowed my eyes at her. She was up to something.

Leanna beamed at him, then back at me, avoiding my visual cues. “It’ll be fun.”

Then she strutted away, leaving us both behind. I hurried to catch up with her. As I reached her, I grabbed her arm, “What the hell are you doing?”

“Umm, planning a birthday party?” She smiled at me.

“This is not–”

“Do you have your umbrella?” Leanna cut me off. I opened my backpack and pulled it out. She snatched it from my hands and opened it. Then she ran out the entrance towards the parking lot.

“Leanna!” I yelled after her, nearly slipping on the wet stairs.

Nathan grabbed my elbow, steadying me. I was breathing hard, looking out at the lot. Leanna waved at us, gesturing to come near, as she stood beside Nathan’s car.

When I got near her, I was going to murder her.

Nathan opened his umbrella and held it over us. There was no way we could both walk in the rain with that. He waited.

I had two choices, either to walk in the rain or walk with him under his umbrella.

Give me Nathan and everything else in a multiple choice, I’d forget I had other options.

He walked slowly, matching my pace, making sure none of the raindrops touched me. I glanced over at him discreetly, and sure enough, he hadn’t been able to cover both of his shoulders. The one away from me was drenching in the rain.

And yet, he would say he was the bad guy.

Anger flared up inside me, and I stomped until I reached his car. My blood rushed to my head. I wanted to grab him and scream in his face. I wanted to knock some sense into him.

Leanna was smiling. Nathan opened the door to the backseat, and she climbed in before I even had a chance to think. Then he opened the door to the passenger seat.

I was going to throw Leanna from the nearest skyscraper. Best friend, my ass.

All of us settled into our seats, and Nathan started driving. Leanna was typing furiously. I turned back to her, but she was sitting directly behind my seat. Like she knew, I would be throwing daggers with my eyes.

The silence between Nathan and me was palpable. It was like a slow simmer of a pressure cooker before the whistle went off. I had never heard silence quite this loud and pressing.

Leanna sat in the backseat, acting clueless.

I pressed my temple against the window, hoping the cold glass would distract me from my thoughts. The sound of the blinkers filled the uncomfortable silence until Leanna said the worst thing imaginable.

“Hey, Em,” she started, “Landon is asking for your number.”

I blinked and turned around sharply, “What?”

My eyes trailed to Nathan. I could see his knuckles gripping the steering wheel.

“Yeah,” Leanna said nonchalantly, “Did I tell you he recently broke up with his girlfriend?”

I closed my eyes and rubbed the bridge of my nose, “Why would I need to know that?”

“I dunno, girl,” Leanna shrugged, “He breaks up with his girlfriend and asks for your number. Weird, right?”

I opened my eyes. Nathan was clutching the steering wheel so tightly, he might dislodge it from the dashboard.

“He is probably asking that for debate,” I mumbled and looked out the window. The rainwater sloshed down, making everything blurry.

“I don’t know,” Leanna said, “What if—”

“We are here,” Nathan interrupted sharply.

All of us looked out the window to the outline of Nathan’s house.

There was no way I was going back in there. I looked from Nathan to Leanna, both of them was getting ready to get out of the car.

They had definitely talked about this party-planning thing. They were decorating Nathan’s house for the twins. Of course, they were.

I dragged in a shaky breath. I wanted to talk to Leanna, but she was avoiding me deliberately.

“Let’s get out of the car!” Leanna said cheerfully, opening the door and vanishing once again with my umbrella, leaving me behind with Nathan.

I knew what she was doing. She was trying to throw Nathan and me together, forcing us to interact. I sighed as Nathan opened his door and walked around the car to open mine.

Once again, he walked me under his umbrella, soaking himself while saving me from a single raindrop. There was no way to stop him unless I walked directly into the rain.

I might end up doing that.

We reached the screen door, where Leanna waited, texting once again.

“No one’s at home, right?” Leanna asked, her eyes glued to her phone.

Nathan unlocked the door, “Yeah. I talked to Mom.”

Leanna nodded. Nathan unlocked the door, pushed it open, and stood to the side, waiting for us to get in. I got flashbacks of every single time he had held the door for me.

Fucking memories. But it was only the start. His house was a minefield filled with them.

Walking into his house, my heart constricted, remembering the first day I had walked in here, and all those times after, for chemistry lessons.

Leanna walked away, assessing the living room already as I felt Nathan close the door behind me.

I swallowed thickly, pushing down my feelings. I was a stranger here. I didn’t know this place. I had never been here, I told myself. I was just here to help decorate for my friends.

“I guess we could put the banner in the living room?” Leanna suggested, “And I bought like a hundred balloons, so we’ll need to do all that. Oh, and the cake?”

“It’s in the fridge,” Nathan replied, passing by me into the living room.

I stared at his back, missing part of the conversation between him and Leanna.

Why was I even here?

Theo and Fletcher were Nathan’s friends. They’d been nice to me, but if not for Nathan, I wouldn’t have known them. If I knew them through Leanna alone, I didn’t think I’d be here now. None of the rest of my friends were here.

I cleared my throat. It hurt so bad. Leanna was leaning against the kitchen counter, talking to Nathan.

“So, then I’d call Theo and act like...”

I tuned her out as I watched Nathan. He was looking down at the kitchen counter. He glanced at me, as if he knew I was staring. We stared at each other.

I remembered how he had offered me the cookie he had baked, back then.

I remembered us having a staring contest at his desk, almost touching his forearm, and him lifting up his shirt to show me a scar from his childhood.

I remembered him lifting me up for basketball, a few feet away from this house, in the twins’ backyard.

Leanna clapped loudly, bringing me back to the present, “Guys, we need to start.”

Tears stung my eyes, and both of us looked away quickly.

Leanna didn’t notice anything. She turned over her backpack, emptying out all the balloons and papers she had inside. I stared at her as she shoved some balloons into my hand and walked away. Nathan was cleaning up the living room, putting away toys that probably belonged to his brother.

I slowly walked to the couch and perched on the edge, doing my assigned work. Leanna was talking loudly, running around. I could hear Nathan’s voice here and there. Leanna didn’t even sit down once beside me so I could catch her eyes.

“Do you have the birthday cones?” Leanna said, “The paper hats?”

“Yeah,” Nathan mumbled from somewhere in the back. “They’re in my room.”

“Can you grab them for me?” Leanna asked.

“Now?” Nathan replied.

“Yup, yup,” Leanna said. I glanced back and caught her tying up a balloon, “I am trying to imagine the whole vision here.”

“Okay,” Nathan muttered unsure, and left the living room.

I finally breathed in, like the oxygen was back in my lungs. I stood up and crossed my arms, “Leanna.”

I glared at her, but she wouldn’t even look at me. “Oh, shit, the scissors.”

I frowned, “What?”

“I need scissors!” she said, looking at the long string she was tying to the balloon.

“Just tie it tightly when Nathan comes back-”

“No, no, I need the scissors right now. The balloon is getting smaller,” she shook her head. “Go grab them, it must be in his room.”

I gritted my teeth, “Stop it. I’m not going to his room. Here, give me the string-”

I pulled it from her hand, but she said no and pulled back. I heard Nathan’s footsteps somewhere.

“Just give it to me, damnit!” I said, pulling the balloon back.

“What’s wrong with you?!” Leanna said.

I saw Nathan in my peripheral vision as I pulled the string.

Then there was a loud pop, and suddenly the balloon was gone. We had popped it.

“Great work!” Leanna waved her hands, “Thank you so much!”

I breathed hard. Nathan was standing near the stairs. I could feel his eyes on me.

“I-”

“I’m gonna go out and call their school friends because neither of you is of any use!” Leanna grabbed her phone, and then my umbrella, and stomped away.

I heard the door slam, and then it was just me and Nathan in his empty house.

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A/N: I'M DYING TO KNOW IF IT'S KILLING YOU LIKE IT'S KILLING ME YEAHHHH

one more chapter. one more Sunday. (If I put all the rest and make it one big chapter! What do you want?)