Chapter 59: Chapter 59: Sleep

“Right now, all we have is time to kill. Sierra is a couple of days before we even know how much

recovery she’s going to need. It may be weeks before either of you are unbound. For now, we need

to spread this among the pack and let them decide whose side they are on. Hybrids have always

been a secret, and now their leaders are mixes of the enemies they hold within them. The pack

needs to know everything, and after, those who are still here, and choose to stay, they can't ever

hold it against any of us again.... we are who we are.” Meadow gets up and stands beside Colton,

turning to the rest of the pack and drawing my eve back across the room at them from my

horizontal position. What she says makes perfect sense and yet it's utterly terrifying.

Outing everything to the rest of the pack. Telling them what I am, what he is, what they are, and

opening all out and laying it bare for them to choose which side they want to follow. We may lose

everyone. There has never been an outpouring of such honesty among this pack for decades under

Juan's rule. Some may not want to accept the truth.

“We give them a choice and until my mom wakes up, to make a decision. Stay and accept me and

Alora or go back to the mountain to my dad, whom they might deem their true alpha if they think

I'm impure. From now on, no more secrets. We let the Shaman teach what he knows to be true in

the school hall, and whoever wants to know can join in.” Colton’s voice is hoarse, a husky undertone

of fatigue, and he rubs his hand over the back of his neck, rolling his shoulders before exhaling

heavily. A sign he's stressing about this choice, but he knows it's inevitable. His intentions are the

right thing, but much like me, theres apprehension in him and a fear the pack will up and leave

when they know what he is. What I am.

“Let's get to it at first light. We can split up and project on small groups at a time, let them pass it

on. Won't take long to cover the whole pack and spread the memories. That gives us the whole day

to get through all of them, but right now, we should all sleep. We've had a long night and the new

patrols are out doing the walks already. We need rest.” Meadow claps her hands to get everyone up,

and the air of heavy mood and simmering anger at the lies they were drip fed their whole life is

evident in the smog around them. It's thick, and dense, like I could cut it with a knife.

The subs are angry, hurt, confused, but one thing is clear. It didn't change the loyalty, or love, within

any one of them and through all of the emotions swirling in this room, one stands out the

strongest. The unity and devotion they have for one another. The sense of solidarity, that any one of

them are one hundred percent behind Colton with whatever he wants to do. That's a real pack,

that's the bond of family, and I know I'm not officially one of them, but they make me feel as

though I am. They're my pack, no matter what happens with Colton, they're not going to lose me

for a second time. I need these people.

One by one they stand and begin to shuffle out of the room, some of the boys stopping to fist

bump Colton on the way by in that very bro way they have with one another, they wave my way,

and I sit up properly, pulling myself to the edge of the bed to stand ,and find out where I'm meant

to go, but Colton’s voice in my head stills me.

Stay put. You look beat and need the rest. This room is fine, and no one will come in here without

my say so. His voice inside my head, always that aching wave of intimacy, and yet sorrow, and all I

can do is nod his way and avoid direct eye contact. I'm too fatigued for more emotional head mess

and his lips are still lingering on mine from his kiss earlier, tingling softly, reminding me that when it

comes to him, I'm stupidly weak, especially when I'm this tired.

I flop back down, glad I don't have to now find the energy to go anywhere, but at the same time, I

feel a little disorientated at the thought of staying here by myself. I've been alone for weeks,

knowing only the solitude, and sounds of nature, and the wilds. Now here I am, thrust back into

civilization and tossed around for the last twenty-four hours in a bizarre and noisy manner and I

haven't really had a moment to reacclimatize, or even catch my breathe. It's all a muddled mess of

crazy, and now with the opportunity to lie back and let it sink in, it seems terrifying. I'm sort of

depending on their company to keep me sane, and stop my mind from wandering, and I'm not sure

I want to be alone anymore. I think I had my fill of it in the forests, the reminder of the never-ending

loneliness I experienced, and I stop him as he goes to leave.

"Where will you be?” I sound as desperate as I feel, blurting out a delaying tactic and I scold myself

for the neediness. I guess I feel out of whack and set adrift now all my plans were upended, and life

got completely side-tracked. And having no answers, and no direction, other than just waiting, is

like having the rug pulled out from under you. It feels awful and he’s been the constant, stable, wise

words, knows what he's doing, in all of this. Right from day one that in this moment, I need it.

"Across the hall in the infirmary with my mom. You can have this room until we figure things out. If

you need me, then link me, and I'll come back.” He throws me that sexy, genuine smile, his voice

low, and fading, because he too is exhausted.

“This is your room?” I blanche, wondering why the alpha of the pack isn't upstairs in a grand suite

like is normal within a pack manor. Now I also feel guilty, that I'm taking his bed when he needs it,

and also a little worried that he’s setting me up in his room because he might think he can wear me

down and start something in time.

"Yeah, space is at a premium with a lot of families needing bigger rooms. It wouldn't have been

right to monopolize one when I can put a bed in here and double up the communal and my room.

It's not like I sleep in here much, plus, with all the building work out back as they construct small

homes, we'll soon move a lot of the pack out into the forest we're clearing behind us. This is all

temporary while we get this place capable of being our permanent home. You need it more than I

do.” It all sounds so plausible and logical, and I can't help gazing at who he's become, seeing him

somehow in a new light.

In just a few weeks he’s grown so much, and the needs of his people have taken the forefront of his

priorities, as they should. There's a new level of serious, and commanding, to him, a hint of mature

beyond his years, and all it does is weigh me down heavily. Liking this about him, and all that does

is make it hurt more. Colton really is everything I would ever want in a mate, and it just kills me,

ripping my insides apart that he gave up on me.

I glance at the window as though trying to see out into the darkness at the building work being

carried out, but really, it's an excuse to break away from the way his eyes are holding me hostage

and I'm suddenly on the verge of stupid tears. The burning intensity of them pooling in my eyes and

I have to swallow hard and blink them away to regain control. That same lingering need coming

from him that gnaws at my soul constantly, and I lose my courage, sounding feeble, and weak, as I

utter a few words breathlessly.

“I could use something to sleep in.” I hesitate, knowing fine well it's a lie and I could strip off, but

something in me just doesn’t want him to leave yet, even if it's just prolonging the agony and

making me feel worse. Since I came back, we haven't really separated properly for any length of

time, and now I'm experiencing some crazy anxiety about him leaving when I feel like there's so

much still left unsaid, unresolved. He's the anchor in my boat, and I'm on a stormy sea. I need to

break this dependency on him if I'm to survive here from now on.

The whole Carmen thing, his saying he still wants us, his kissing me outside, Sierra, the doctor... the

future. It's all too big for me to handle, or think about, and my brain is scared that letting him leave

will open a damn in my brain I have no energy to deal with. He already has me teetering on

emotional break down with tears threatening to push out.

“The middle cupboard has everything you need. I wasn't about to leave any part of you behind

because I wasn't going to rest until we found you. Sweet dreams, baby.” What he says confuses me

enough to distract me completely; screwing my face up in confusion and as he walks out the door.

Too focused on discovery and already climbing off the bed to open the center oversized wooden

cabinet to see what he meant by that.

Much to my shock, every single belonging I left in my room in the manor is in here, folded neatly,

stacked up, and waiting for me to reclaim it. From clothing, to shoes, to my boxes of sentimental

items, and keepsakes. All has its place and fits neatly in here, taking over an entire cupboard in

Colton’s room.

A lump forms in my throat that almost chokes me half to death, and tears sting my eyes with

venom, so that I know I won't be able to hold them back for long. My emotions take a sudden

nosedive, and I cough on a sob trying to escape my throat. My hands tremble as I reach out and

touch the first of my sweaters, my legs turning to Jell-O and a wave of lightheadedness because of

my extreme reaction to something so basic.

I don't know why this gets to me so badly, but it does. The fact he took the time to pack up

everything that was mine, so carefully, and brought it when they all left the manor together. Sure

they were limited in time to pack, considering they were leaving under hostile terms and had to get

out, yet he made sure he left nothing of me in that place. It's all here. Every single little thing that I

never knew I missed until now. All clean, and pressed, and set in here in almost military precision.

He took care of my things in the hopes he would bring me back here one day.

I try and not to ponder on it, to push it out of my head and focus on a task of doing, instead of

thinking. It's all I can do if I don't want to succumb to these overwhelming feelings, and all the

questions about Carmen, about us. Starting to doubt myself and what I felt in the forest, but there's

nothing else to explain what that was. It had to be him marking her or betraying our bond in

another way. Nothing can compare to the level of pain, and heartbreak, and betrayal I felt, and I

should remind myself of that and not get lost in him as he tries to win me round. I need to stay true

to the fact and ignore how much I still love him. How every sense, and fiber in my soul, aches to be

reunited with him in even the smallest ways. AMANAANAANANAA