"Miss?" I asked, wiping away the last of my falling tears. I looked over to my governess, who was taking the kettle off the fire.
She finished pouring the water into the tea cups before glancing over to where I lay on the bed. "Yes, Amelia?"
I sat up as she handed me the cup, wincing and shifting slightly as I sat upon the horrid sting in my backside from where she had liberally applied the switch for being late for my bath. I was now at the age where each thrashing I got was assumed to be my last, but then I always did something else foolish soon after. "Do you think I am childish?"
Miss Lancing smiled, sitting in the chair beside my bed and placing her own cup and saucer on her lap. She took note of my squirming, raising her eyebrows as if that answered my question. "Well, you certainly are after a good lashing, but don't worry, my Darling- that can stay between us."
Using some real effort, I managed to be still, though I could not help but sit stiffly. Despite her sternness, Miss Lancing was one of the people I loved most in the world- while my parents were good people, they were also nobles. They had not been the ones to dress me, or teach me, or read to me. That had always been the role of my governess. Though I never could have admitted it aloud, I did truly think I may have cared for her more than anyone else in the world.
I found myself trying to hold back tears, though these ones were not as a result of my punishment. I missed the years of my childhood, when I had simply been able to be seated upon the lap of my governess after a whipping, or when I was hurt or anxious or...
Or frightened. Undeniably, I was terrified. Everything was changing, when so little had since the day I was adopted by the Baldwins. But no more could I simply hide in the arms of my governess. They could not protect me from the change that was coming.
Miss Lancing saw my tears, and placed her cup and saucer down on the bedtable. She reached to take my cup, as well, and I realized that it was shaking in my grip as my tears broke through. Once my cup was placed beside hers, Miss Lancing reached for my hands. "Now, what are these tears about, then?"
As my tears fell harder, my governess pulled me from my seat on the bed, and brought me to kneel between her legs as she embraced me. I hugged her around her waist, and found that even though I was now too big to sit on her lap, I still felt safe in her hold. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to believe, just for a moment, that she would be able to fix everything.
"They want me to be presented publicly," I mumbled after taking a moment to compose myself. I kept my face hidden as I spoke, and hoped that my voice was not muffled beyond comprehension. "First at the wedding, but then they want me to begin attending late-night balls as a debutante."
Miss Lancing was quiet for a moment, and I could almost picture the thoughtful frown upon her face. Finally, she spoke. "And that frightens you?"
I nodded shamefully, embarrassed by my weeping over something that every girl of my status had gone through. Elizabeth had transitioned into womanhood so easily, so gracefully.
But I was not my sister. Despite all of my efforts and education, I was hardly a real noble. Despite being adopted by nobles as a child, I had undeniably always been a bit of a black sheep, even if many of the white sheep around me had come to care for me as I was.
Miss Lancing put her hand under my chin, lifting my eyes to meet hers. "Amelia, you are a beautiful, sharp, compassionate young lady. You misstep from time to time, but your heart is good. That is what is most important in this world. That is how I know you will go on to thrive, even when I am gone."
There was a sinking feeling in my stomach. "When you are gone?"
My governess- the woman whom had nurtured me for a whole decade now- smiled down at me, though I thought I saw a bit of sadness in her face. "Amelia, Darling, once you are recognized as a debutante, you become a woman. Adults do not require governesses."
"But-" I did not know what to say. Somehow, Miss Lancing leaving had never crossed my mind. She was the most constant presence in my life, and the idea of her leaving seemed just as foreign as my own Mother walking out of her home and never returning. "But you will still stay in the household, of course?"
Miss Lancing exhaled slowly, looking very thoughtful. She gripped both of her hands in mine, helping me off my knees and to my feet. "I see no reason for your parents to keep me on within the household if I am not in their employ. Don't fret over it now, my love. It is nearing your bedtime."
I was silent as I washed, and as Miss Lancing handed me a towel as I stepped out of the tub. She held my nightgown up for me, helping me into it and allowing me to climb into bed. "Would you like me to read a chapter from the book you were assigned to read in your lessons today?"
Though I did not truly care for the book- simply a boring and monotone telling of the history of France, which I knew meant it would not be interesting until we reached the Revolution which had taken place fairly recently in history- I still agreed. It seemed that it was time I began to appreciate my governess a bit more, and spend all the time with her that I could.
It was only a matter of time before she was left behind in my childhood, as well, it seemed. Coming of age was truly a terrifying thing.
I would need to re-read the chapter of the book before my lessons the next day, because I hardly paid attention to the words she read. I simply focused on the sound of her voice, remembering all of the times that same voice had read to me or sang to me or scolded me throughout my childhood. How would I possibly live without her? Without her guidance and direction and nurturing?
For the first time in years, I reached for my doll- most often, the doll I had clung to throughout my childhood just sat on the far-end of the bed, safely kept preserved as a reminder of the importance she had once held to me. Now, though, I brought her under my chin, holding her close to me as Miss Lancing moved the candle to the center table. After all these years, she still feared I may start a fire in the night if it was left just beside my bed.
As she did each night, my governess leaned down to kiss my forehead. "Goodnight, Amelia. Your sister will be in shortly."
Though Elizabeth was no more than perhaps two or three years older than me- having been born to the streets, I did not know exactly how old I was- she had already been recognized as a young lady in high society during the ball for her 18th birthday. While she was still very close to Miss Lancing, she was no longer under her care. She had chamber maids now, who simply did as she asked. She was still quick to obey any requests that Miss Lancing asked of her, though, having been trained to obey her so well in childhood that the instincts remained.
I caught my governess' sleeve as she turned to leave. "I love you."
Miss Lancing smiled down at me, pulling my blanket up just a bit higher. "I love you, too, Amelia. Goodnight."
And with that she was gone, leaving me alone in the dim candlelight with nothing but my fears to keep me company.
******************************
The days passed by in a whirl. Too soon, Thomas and Susanna's wedding was just a week away. I had been measured for a brand new dress, and Miss Lancing had already discussed with me how she thought my hair should be done. She had decided upon falling ringlets, with only the back part of my hair pulled up.
I knew that ringlets meant I would have to sit still for upwards of an hour as Miss Lancing heated a rod over the fire to curl my hair. Though I wanted to object, I knew I truly did have to look my best- even had this not been my first appearance as a 'young lady' in society, I was one of the bridesmaids, as was required given I was the groom's sister. Elizabeth, being the oldest sister, was to be the Maid of Honor, because Susanna had no sisters herself. She was an only-child.
All of the preparations were complete by the day of the wedding. Being a member of the female wedding party, I ended up at Susanna's house with Elizabeth several hours before the wedding was to start. Not only did my sister and I need to be tended to by the maids to be dressed for the occasion, but we needed to oversee Susanna's preparations and make certain that the servants overlooked nothing.
Elizabeth had many opinions. Unlike my sister, though, I knew very little of weddings and had very few opinions on the dress or hairstyle Susanna should have. So I settled for just smiling and telling her she looked wonderful when asked.
Myself, Elizabeth, and the other bridesmaids all arrived at the church together. Thomas was already inside, waiting for Susanna to walk down the isle, but the groomsmen were all outside, waiting to escort us in. Clara and Cordelia were bickering over which boy they wanted to accompany them, but Elizabeth cut them off, stating that she had already used her Maid of Honor powers to assign escorts.
Cordelia was assigned to Michael, my youngest brother. Michael and I were very close, seeing as he was just a couple years older than me, and we had been close playmates in childhood. It made me uncomfortable, though, to see the way Cordelia drooled over him as she took his arm. She had despised his childlike nature and goofy grin in childhood, and it rather infuriated me that she thought those same attributes were attractive now that he was tall and strong.
Luckily, I knew that Michael did not care at all for Cordelia or her twin sister. The last thing I needed was to fret over one of those horrid girls marrying into my family.
Though I had been aware that as a member of the wedding party I would be expected to stand throughout the wedding, I had not understood how long a wedding dragged on for. Somehow, both Thomas and Susanna kept smiles on their faces the entire time, all the way up until they were declared legally wed. They kissed, said a prayer with the minister, and then everyone was sent to gather for a meal and cake.
I had never stayed for the meal after a wedding. That was only for those who were considered adults rather than children. So I saw the eyes on me when I was not escorted away as the cake was cut.
"Amelia, is your governess running late to pick you up?" Cordelia asked, hidden condescension in her voice.
Elizabeth spoke up for me. "Actually, Amelia will be staying for cake and tea."
Cordelia glanced back at her twin, clear judgment in her gaze. "Oh. How lovely. You must be so excited, Amelia."
I forced a smile, though truly I was just frightened. While most eyes would be on Susanna and my brother today, this was just the first step- a foreshadowing of the debutante events I would soon be attending.
And of the governess who would soon be leaving me all alone to face such a world.
Surprisingly, there was minimal stress in the party following the wedding ceremony. It felt similar to a dinnerparty, which I had attended plenty of. People ate and chatted and laughed, and my older sister stayed close to me the entire time.
Or, at least, the entire time until Mother came strolling up with a young man on her arm. I nudged Elizabeth, who turned away from her conversation with Susanna as our Mother began speaking, gesturing to the man beside her. "Elizabeth, Amelia, this is the Count Robert Beckhem, Earl of Richmond."
Elizabeth rose to curtsy, and I followed suit as she spoke. "How do you do, Count Robert?"
The Earl smiled at her, bowing respectfully before taking both our hands in his own to kiss them. Once he dropped mine, he turned back to my sister. "Well, Lady Elizabeth. Thank you. Would you like to dance?"
I breathed a silent sigh of relief at not being the one asked- though, from the look on Mother's face, I knew full well that she had orchestrated this. Now that I was also coming out as a debutante, she was eager to marry Elizabeth off, thinking it would be an embarrassment if the youngest daughter was married before the elder one.
It seemed I was not safe yet, though. Once Elizabeth had been swept away, Mother immediately began looking about at the other people in attendance. "Now, Amelia, we must find you your own dance partner. We musn't waste away time now that you are formally eligible. I shall return, so prepare yourself."
She was gone before I could object, and return she did. With a Duke, first, and then with a Baron and then a Marquis. They all danced well, and spoke just as exceptionally. The issue was more so that the smart, educated words they spoke were incredibly tedious and monotone. What did I care if the Duke had so many servants that he couldn't even name a single one, or if the Marquis found pleasure in the blood of a good fox hunt? And the Baron was certainly my least favorite- all he could speak of was all of the money he had, and repeatedly asserted that dowrys meant nothing to him- though he inquired about the amount in my own several times.
Thankfully, a childhood friend- Eli, though most everyone but me called him 'Felix' rather than his childhood nickname- came out of nowhere, swooping in to save me as he requested a dance. He sent a sly grin my way as the Baron stalked off, seeming unreasonably angry at the very polite and socially allowable request for Eli to step in.
"Thank you," I breathed to Eli, watching as the Baron glared at us from near the hors d'oeuvre table. "I had no idea how to get out of that."
Eli winked. "I am nothing if not a knight in shining armor."
I rolled my eyes at him. As most of my childhood friends were, Eli had also been an orphaned street-child, taken out of the squalor of inner-City London and put into the charity school my father had formed after adopting me and seeing the conditions so many children lived in. In childhood, Eli had been a thin, gangly thing. And though he was still thin, it worked to his favor now, giving him sharp and attractive features.
Perhaps I would have married him had I not known what a stubborn, pigheaded annoyance he could be at times.
We only danced for a few moments before Eli declared that he now needed to be off to save other 'damsels in distress', and as I retreated over to the cake table, I watched him step in between Elizabeth and the Earl. I couldn't help but chuckle- Eli had always been one of the boldest boys I knew. He was like me in that sense, but society was far more accepting when it was a man behaving in such a way.
John was standing over near the table, speaking with Michael. While I still considered John to be my very dearest friend, he got on just as well with my brother. Michael and John had been close since the day they had met, and while I was always glad to have my brother and friend get on so well, it was often bothersome when Michael distracted John as we spoke.
Deciding that it was only fair I do the same, I came to stand beside them. "Hello, John. Michael."
John grinned at me, and I saw his hand twitch at his side. He wanted to pull me into a hug, but knew it would be improper in such a setting. I was an eligible debutante, and he was an unwed young man. Despite our closeness, we had to be formal with each other for the day. "Hello, Amelia. Are you aware that Michael can eat five slices of cake?"
My brother grinned at me. "This is my sixth. I'd wager I can make it to nine."
I groaned. "Please do not vomit. Thomas and Susanna will never forgive you."
But Michael just grinned at me, and John looked far too amused as another forkful of cake was lifted to my brother's mouth. I just shook my head at them, trying to hide the fact that I, myself, was a bit curious as to if Michael could make it to nine slices.
"Excuse me," A voice interjected from just behind us. I turned, and so did the boys, as we faced the Count whom had asked my sister to dance earlier. "Lady Amelia, is it?"
"It is," I responded automatically. Then I remembered that I was supposed to curtsy, and I did so hastily. "I mean, yes, My Lord. A pleasure."
He had caught my mistake, but other than the slight twinkle of amusement in his gaze as the edges of his lips twitched upwards, he showed no reaction as he held out a hand. "Would you care for a dance?"
John turned to look at me, and I knew that if I sent him any signal that I did not wish to, he would interject on my behalf and take me out to dance himself to offer me an excuse to say no. But just behind the Count, hovering near Thomas and Susanna, my Mother stood watching me. And I knew the lecture that would follow such a rejection was not worth avoiding a single dance.
"Of course," I responded, allowing him to take my hand in his own and lead me out to the centerfloor.
Being a debutante would be difficult, indeed.