Chapter 16: Chapter Fifteen

It’s been really hard staying focused in school today. The tips of my thumb and index fingers are tender from how I’ve been nibbling on them. I’m nervous. I’m nervous for him and I’m scared for him. He’s been through a lot and I don’t know how much more he can take. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all and he’ll be semi-okay after seeing his sister. I hope so. Maybe that’s exactly what the solution is.

My fingers moved on their own accord, tapping fiercely on the steering wheel as I waited for Seth. I sighed with relief when I saw him crossing the street from Starbucks. For a second I thought he had changed his mind.

“Hey,” he greeted.

“Ready?” I asked. He nodded and I drove off. I had already put the address in the GPS.

“What if Vince is there?”

I laughed, but it is one of those angry laughs. Just hearing that man’s name makes me want to beat the shit out of him. “I hope he’s not,” I said in a singing voice then turn to look at Seth. “Because if I see him I’m going to break his fucking leg.” I don’t know what his expression was. I’m driving here so I can’t exactly stare at him. Vince is a pathetic excuse for a human being and a waste of space.

I turned the radio up to distract my thoughts. Seth appreciated that, I think. Seth was watching the GPS as much as I was and the closer we got to the hospital the more nervous he got. The way he shook his bumped his legs and kept his hand folded over his knee gave it away. I’d be nervous too. I am nervous. And like I said, I’m scared for him.

We reached the hospital and I found the visitors parking lot. Both of us just sat in the car staring ahead when I turned the engine off. Turning slightly, I looked at Seth. He had his right elbow resting on the bar on the door and the thumb of said hand was messing with the stubbles on his chin.

“We’re here,” I said, just incase he hadn’t noticed.

“I know,” he responded. “I…I. Hmm. I just need a few minutes to get my nerves together if that’s okay with you”

“Take your time,” I told him and got out the car. The wind had picked up, I closed my jacket without zipping it and folded my arms across my chest the second I realized this. Seth exited the car and I met him at the back. He took a deep breath and smile. His smile was so sad, though that it made me sad. “I’m right here, you know,” I offered. “You don’t have to be so scared”

“I was just telling myself that,” he said and laughed. Seemed like that was all he needed and that sad look was replaced with a determined look. I walked next to him all the way to the front desk, not wanting him to get lost in his own head like he always does and forgot that he’s not alone.

“Hi,” Seth greeted the smiling lady. “I’m here to see Amelia Winters”

She typed something in the computer, Amelia’s name, I’m guessing then asked, “What’s your relationship?”

“I’m her brother”

“Seth?”

“Yes”

“And you are?” She asked, nodding her head to me.

“Moral support,” I answered. She had no further questions after my answer and handed us two visitors passes and told us her room number. We waited for the elevator in silence, rode it in silence until it stopped on the seventh floor where she was. Seth was keeping it together so far.

I was busy staring at Seth who was staring ahead, just making sure he was okay that I was caught off guard when he grabbed me by my jacket collar and pulled me against his body as he backed up against the wall. I was surprised too when I felt his lips against mine but obviously I wasn’t surprised enough because I kissed him back without a second thought.

I was quickly reminded what it was like to kiss him, the taste of his soft pink lips and how good he was at it. It awakened things I forgot was there, things I wasn’t sure I wanted to feel, and yet I couldn’t pull away. Instead I felt myself wanting more, using my right hand to slid down his back and pulled his body closer to me so that he arched off the wall.

Suddenly our tongues were dandling fiercely and his hands were on both side of my face kissing me harder. Somehow we pulled away and got untangled from each other and that’s when I realized what the fuck just happened. Shit.

“I’m sorry,” he said quickly. “It’s-my-I saw-and—” He grabbed my face and turned it to the left and quickly removed his hand. I focused my gaze right on time to see back of the familiar tall, brown haired man. Vince. “I freaked. I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to do something stupid and I didn’t want him to see me because he’s crazy and I didn’t know what he would do. I’m so sorry. Just forget that I did that. Just forget that it happened. Travis I’m so sor—”

“SETH!” Jesus Christ. “It’s fine. Alright?” No, it’s not. It’s far from it.

“Okay,” he breathed. “Her room is that way.” I nodded and follow him.

When we were two doors away I grabbed his elbow so he stopped, turned and looked at me. “Pull yourself together.” It’s so hard to look at him right now it’s painful. I know he hadn’t meant to but he have no idea what kind of mess he just created inside my head. They’re my thoughts and feelings and I’m fucking afraid of them.

Seth took deep breaths and I saw from the corner of my eyes his body relaxing as his shoulders slumped. He nodded and I followed him to the room. Seth stepped inside, frozen in place immediately. On the bed was slightly pale girl. I never asked him her age but she looked to be around eleven. Her hair was jet black and it lay in an organized pool around her. She was like Sleeping Beauty in the form of Snow White. She had Seth’s nose and I imagined her with his eyes too. She looked tired.

Seth looked about ready to fall over and cry his eyes out at the same time. As hard as it was I shoved my emotions aside, reached for his hand and intertwined our fingers together. Moral support, that’s what I’m here for. Despite every fearful thought fighting me and telling me to run, I stayed rooted. He needs me right now. “I’m right here,” I told him.

I’m not sure if he heard me. The only thing telling me that he’s alive right now is the pulsing vein in his neck. Adding to that are the tears leaking out of his eyes. I had to look away. It was so painful to watch him a trance of nothing except for pain. Regret, maybe? I’ll never know unless he was to tell me.

“How can they keep her alive?” His trembling voice asked. “This is cruel, selfish and painful,” he cried. “Look at her,” he said to me, still crying. “She looks tired and she looks like she’s dying slowly. This is so wrong. I can’t,” he said and turned to leave but I held his hand firmly.

“You need this,” I told him. I know he does. “She’s innocent. It’s not her choice to be here still. She didn’t ask for this. Don’t let your anger get the best of you. It’s not fair for both of you to suffer because you’re upset.” When he didn’t say anything or moved I tugged his hand and asked, “Do you hear me?” He nodded. “I’m going to give you some time with her, I’ll be in the family lounge if you need me.” He nodded again and I let go off his hand.

I put my hands in my pocket as I walked to the lounge. Once there it was as if I had had a wall holding back my emotions and thoughts and it crumbled once I was alone. Emotions—feelings and need that I thought were buried or gone came back stronger than before with a vengeance. I don’t want to feel this way. I can’t go there again. I can’t-I just can’t do it.

Suddenly I felt like my body was on fire. I pulled my jacket off and hurried to the bathroom across the hall. There, I splashed my face with cold water and breathed deeply to calm my trembling hands.

This is not good.

I finally got myself to calm down a little and made my way back to the lounge. I got my phone out and started playing Temple Run to distract myself from…well, from myself. It worked a little.

I don’t how long I was playing for but I stopped when Seth knocked on the glass and I got up from where I was sitting.

“Are you okay?”

He nodded. “You were right, I needed that.”

“Are you staying longer or you’re ready to go”

“I’m ready to go.” I nodded and we went to the car. I paid the fee and we drove home with the music playing a little louder than usual, for my benefit mostly. Having Seth near me was not helping anything.

When we got the condo I sat in the living room for his benefit this time. If he needed me I want to be there for him but otherwise I really need some space. I was relieved when he told me he was going to shower and call it an early night because I was seconds away from saying the exact same words.

When I finally laid my head on my pillows, I tossed, I turned, and I cried. I knew what I had to do so picked up the phone and dialed the number.

“Travis?” He answered.

“Hey, Wyatt, can you come over tomorrow?”

….

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN

So yeah, I'm going to go hide now. Cool. Alright.