Chapter 17: Chapter Sixteen

Hellooo xoxo

Surprisingly, waking up Thursday morning the first thing I did was smile. I saw Amelia yesterday, and even though I was upset that she’s suffering by being kept alive on only a feeding tube. Hunter and my father are being selfish and that’s not fair. Some may think it’s wrong of me to feel this way or say what I feel but I’m sure it would be a different conversation if I were to ask them if they would like to be kept alive for a year after being in a vegetative state where they can’t even think, just waiting for death to come and take them. I’m sure they would have a different answer. I would not want to be kept alive and the second I die I would haunt everyone responsible.

Regardless, I was happy to see her. I brushed her hair and I told her everything about what’s been going on with me whether she could hear me or not. I told her that I kissed Travis, who is the love of my life, and that it was on impulse. I also told her that it reminded me of my feelings and how very much in love with him I am, even deeper now than I was. I know it shouldn’t have happened like it did. Our kiss should have happened on it’s own without any incentive than our own need and our own feelings for each other. I told her that too.

As I showered I thought about how I felt when Travis kissed me back. I never expected that to happened. I thought he would pull away and yell at me, which is why I held on to his jacket. It was like my heart was on overdrive when his lips began moving with mine. We got lost in the kiss. It was like the world disappeared and I forgot why I had kissed him in the first place. When he held me closer and kissed me harder I had to shut my eyes tighter to prevent the tears from folding over like a tsunami.

I went into my room to get dressed. My closet is a lot fuller than when I had just moved here, thanks to Travis. Travis said sometimes it’s easier to pick out an outfit when I pick out jeans first, that way I can find a shirt that goes well with it instead of seeing a shirt that I like then change umpteen jeans that looks right with it. Shirts are easier and less aggravating to change than jeans are. He’s so gay. I giggled at my thought.

The only downside about having a lot of clothes is not I spend twice as much time picking out something to wear. After much contemplation, I put on black skinny jeans (not the kind that prevents blood flow), black long sleeve shirt, a black letterman jacket with leather sleeves and black TOMS. Travis would approve of this outfit. He likes the all black thing. He says its badass.

I walked pass his door, wanting so desperately to knock so that I could just get a glimpse of him. No matter how bad I’m feeling I always feel a little better after seeing him. That rarely happens on Thursdays though because he sleeps in, being that he only has one class at 2 P.M so he watch movies until late on Wednesday and sleep most of the day.

Usually I would make a proper breakfast but today I felt for some fruits. Travis’ healthy habits are brushing off on me. I picked out: pineapple (already sliced), cantaloupe, green and purple grapes, strawberries, an orange, watermelon, kiwi, and mango. That’s all we had. I cut what needed to be cut up in squares. Next I squeezed a lime over the fruits and sprinkled some granulated sugar. I put Travis’ share in a bowl, placed it in the fridge, put mine in a disposable cup and I was on my way with my book bag on my shoulder.

I ate while walking to the bus stop, enjoying how the flavors from the fruits exploded and combined in my mouth. Moaning as I chewed, I ignored the stares of people waiting for the bus.

Some point in the day, my mind decided to be an asshole and had me wondering if Travis was mad at me. He hadn’t acted differently but still. I hope he’s not mad at me; I wouldn’t be able to handle it.

During 11 o’clock class my phone went off. I apologized to the professor and excused myself to go answer it. Knowing it was Hunter. He was the only person my phone rings for when it’s on vibrate.

“Hello?”

“Seth,” he said in a trembling voice. He had been crying.

“Hunter?” I asked, sitting on the wall they built for a place to sit as students waited for their classes. “What’s wrong?”

“Vince—”

“What happened? What did he do?” Just hearing the man’s name sent fear through my body.

“Yesterday he had the doctors remove the feeding tube from Amelia. She died this morning.” I barely even made out what he was saying because he was crying but thank God I was sitting down.

“Are you sure? I-I-just saw her yesterday and he was leaving when I got there”

“I’m sure.”

“Hunter.” I might get punched in the future for what I’m about to say. “She was suffering. He did the right thing”

“I know that. I fucking know that. That’s not the bad part, Seth.” The way he said made my body feel like someone had just dumped a bucket of ice water on me. I gulped, waiting for him to continue. “Mom found out. Vince told her—” Fuck. “Apparently she wasn’t swallowing her medication and had had them hidden in her room. She used them to overdose, Seth.” I froze. I’m incapable of understanding what I’m feeling or thinking at this moment. That is if I’m feeling or thinking anything. My mom and I weren’t close and she didn’t particularly have any feelings towards me. But she’s my mom. I love her. I don’t want her to be dead. “I’m so sorry, Seth,” Hunter said. Why is he sorry? What is there to apologize about? This is not his fault.

“It’s not your fault.”

“I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry I can’t be there for you and I’m sorry you have to go through this. You don’t deserve this.”

“I need,” I chocked out. What do I need? “I need Travis”

“Okay. I’ll call you later.” I hung and went to the classroom. I managed to tell the professor that there was a family emergency without breaking down. I managed to get on the bus without breaking down. I managed to smile at Vladimir without breaking down. And I managed to ride the elevator and open the door to the condo without breaking down. I knew Travis would still be asleep so I went right to his room.

When I opened the door completely shocked me. I felt completely disgusted with myself that after hearing that my mother killed herself didn’t hurt as much as what I’m looking at. That would be two male, one being Travis, the other…I don’t know. Both of them were getting dressed. Travis was putting one foot through his pants and whoever that guy was was buttoning up his. Both of them, frozen now, by the way. Travis mouth was moving but for the life of me I couldn’t hear a word he was saying.

Tears, hot, painful, stinging tears. That’s what I felt. How long has he been doing this? Smiling and acting all nice, and buying me things. And he’s been making me feel like shit for leaving him when it wasn’t my fucking fault and he’s been fucking screwing this guy or screwing guys this entire time. Jesus. I am so pathetic. I am so stupid. How could I have not realized this? How could I have fell for this? How could I have thought all this time that he still cared about me, even worst that there might be a possibility that he still loved me?

Run. That’s the only thing that made sense right now. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest and clawed at the tender flesh continuously. I finally thought my heart was healing, only to have it crumbled to nothing. I found myself on the rooftop, looking at the city. I stood still but everything around me was moving. Or maybe that was I moving, I don’t know.

There were iron railings surrounding the roof, about waist height. I went up it and looked down. It would be so easy to end all this pain in the blink of an eye. I wouldn’t feel anything anymore. I’d be fine. I’d find my mother and it would be our second chance, whether in hell or heaven. I didn’t care. Deciding that, I climbed over and looked down again.

The first foot went over then I heard Travis’ trembling voice. “Seth? What are you doing? Come back over!”

“Why should I?” I asked, using the shoulder of my shirt to wipe my running nose.

“Because I’m asking you to…please?”

“I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of feeling. Feeling gets me nowhere. I don’t want to have feelings anymore and have everything I’ve ever felt betrayed. Feelings made me believe one thing and none of it was real”

“That’s not true, Seth! You know it’s not true. What we felt in high school was real. That connection we had was real and you don’t know how much that meant to me. How much it means to me.”

I laughed bitterly. “Liar! Don’t lie to me! I’m sick and tired of people lying to me all the God. Damn. Time.  I’m sick and tired of people taking advantage of me and treating me like I’m nothing. I just walked in on you after you just finished fucking some guy! So don’t fucking tell about how much anything means to you”

“I’m not lying to you! And I didn’t do it! I wanted to because I felt what we had coming back to me and I didn’t want it because I’m terrified of losing you again. If I lose you again I won’t be able to handle it. I’d die if I lose you again, I know this now.”

“I’m so tired. I want it all to end. I can’t do this anymore!” I could feel myself just slowly losing all the strength I had that kept me going for years.

“Yes you can! You can do it, if not for yourself for me. I can’t lose you again. I love you! I loved you from the start I just didn’t understand what it meant and why I continued to feel that way”

It’s sad how that almost got me. I almost believed it. “You’re only saying that. You don’t love me. You never did.”

“I do love you! I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it. Please come over! Seth, babe, please!” I didn’t move at first but then I turned around to look at him. He’s crying. His crystal eyes are bloodshot red and his cheeks are stained from tears. They were red too and so was his nose. “We can get through this together and I won’t be mad or scared anymore. I promise”

“Promise?”

“I do. I promise with everything I have.” He breathed a sigh of relief when I started climbing over. But feet slipped on one of the bars and my hands were cold and dry so they didn’t hold me up. “Seth!”  I managed to catch on to the last railing and not even a second later Travis was pulling me over. My heart was beating so fast I could hear the blood pumping in my ears. Travis hugged me so tight I could hardly breathe. We crumbled to the ground and that’s when we really started crying. “You’re so stupid! What were you thinking?! I hate you! I hate you so much right now!”

“I’m sorry”

“God, you’re so stupid! I love you! I love you so much. Don’t do that to me again! Do you know what would have happened to me?! You scared the shit out of me, Seth! I was so scared,” he cried, rocking us back and forth. “I am so mad at you right now”

“I’m sorry.” I just kept saying it over and over again as we cried.

“Don’t be sorry. I love you so much. Don’t scare me like that again. I love you.” Neither of us could stop crying. I was cold and scared and Travis wasn’t wearing a shirt but I couldn’t find the strength to say anything.

A/N

I thought about letting you guys suffer and wait for the result but I decided I’ve been cruel enough and just gave it to you guys! You guys would have hunt me down and killed me if I had cut it off, right?